How do I say no?

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How do I say no?

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I have been getting mounting pressure from my mom and siblings to take my mother in my home and care for her. She lives alone now and does ok. I care for her as much as possible as I live an hour away and work full time. But I am seeing signs of mild dementia on and off. Her personality changes and incontinence issues are the biggest things. She has been pressuring me for some time but now my brother and sister are doing and saying little things that make me think they want me to take her. Mom is 93 and I am in my sixties. My brother is in his mid seventies and my sister has a disabled son. So they cannot do it. How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life. I have sacrificed for a long time. Working to put my kids through college. It was tough for years. Now I am finally on my feet and close to retirement. I’d like to have some leisure time for myself. I could still care for mom but just don’t want her in my house 24/7. She’s a handful. But it just doesn’t go down well with them.

Burnout Care Decisions Family Caregiver Mom

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Just say NO. Mean it. Do NOT take her in. You don't want to and you're entitled to NOT do it. Your siblings don't want to do it so they "should" understand. If they don't that's OK too.

Do NOT let anyone guilt you into taking care of her. It will be worse than you think it will be.

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My next birthday I will be 70 and I had a TMI about a year ago. My daughter called and wanted me to put her step dad in an institution, sell our home, put in an elevator at her residence, remodel the English Basement and I said "no." She didn't hear my "no" and even went a few days getting estimates. Very nicely, I said "no" we're good here but thank you.

In her heart she wanted to do what she felt was right and I knew that. I don't want to live with her. If I get to a point I need to move, I trust I will have my wits about me to do so. You are saving everyone from getting weary and exhausted. Look brightly up, you have so many options - just don't do like some and put their parents away and then never look back. You will have a rich relationship by making sure your Mom is somewhere where she can live happily.

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I just want to say please be careful with your decision. Something needs to be arranged for your mum but you must think of yourself too. I took my mum in three and a half years ago and it has completely ruined my mental and physical health. I am early sixties and was in good health but now I can't see me making it to my late sixties and having a life of my own. My daughter says that since I had my mum move in with me she has lost hers!! She is now 94 and in poor health but I know she will be here for a long time yet. Please think very carefully. I will Never Ever expect my children to look after me and I don't want them to as I don't ever want them to feel as unhappy as me!!!

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Just be honest, tell them that physically and mentally you are not prepared to take on such a challenge. Get in contact with an Elder Attorney and they will help you with your mother's assets, etc to see how best to protect them and when the time comes IF she needs to go into a nursing facility or other care facility how things can be handled. They are very good at what they do (the Elder Attorney). We got one for when my father went into a NH. And I can tell you that if she is showing signs now of dementia, it will only be in time when it will get rough and not everyone can take on this challenge. Do NOT feel guilty and don't let them make you feel guilty that you can and do not want to take her into your home. NOT everyone can do it. AND IF they get upset with you, well so be it.........better upset with you than you taking on a challenge that will only get harder physically but also mentally as time goes on.......then what.......it will create health issues for you. It's time to be a little selfish for yourself. Best of luck.

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I took my father in for 6 months during 2019. He had surgery for colon cancer in the spring, and later came to stay with us in October, as he was struggling to survive in his home due to health problems and the initial stages of dementia. It was a terrible strain on my marriage. He was finally placed in a senior care apartment in February of 2020. I agree with several of the other posts here, that you need to do what works best for you. Dementia changes the attitude of the person afflicted. Dad became much more sarcastic and was very angry that he lost his driving privileges. At one point in December, he came down with a viral infection that literally knocked him to his knees - he ended up hospitalized for 3 days and had to have breathing treatments. He slid to the floor and I was unable to lift him as he weighs about 190 lbs. Incontinence has been an issue as well. It was so much better when he finally got the apartment. I am 59, and I still see him at least 3 times a week to bring groceries, clean, and arrange entry for home care professionals. This is a part time job. We clashed often when he was staying with me, and it was very stressful. I know many suggested that you stick to your guns without explaining, but perhaps if you share information on dementia and how it progresses with them, as well as how it can alter their personality, that would help? I found that my siblings, who all live far from dad, were at varying degrees of understanding about his condition, and this also affected their analysis of the home options. A sister living in another state suggested using dads money to build on an addition. She was not thinking of future needs, if any, that might require more care. It is VERY hard to have an elder with dementia in your home. Three out of my 4 siblings hung up on me during conversations about events that occurred that were related to my dad, during this time! We still have very good communication, but the care has been such a challenge. My brother is handling the finances, as my parents did stipulate some things in their trust. Good luck - it’s no fun. Will be interested in hearing how it goes for you and Mom.

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Mounting pressure & saying little things... Arrange a group chat with siblings. So what is everyone's thoughts, feelings & expectations on what to do with Mother - once it's not safe for her to live alone.

Sometimes alot of *I wish..* comes out. I wish this or wish that. That's ok. (We all wish not to get old need & help).

After the wishes, then finding out what real options there are. Living with sib 1, 2 & 3 are out so what remains.

If sibs actually go so far as say Mother living with you is THEIR preferred option, kindly remind them that YOU decide YOUR life, not them. Just as they decide their lives.

I'm sure you can have a good chat & make a plan for the future. Remember to ask Mother what are her wishes as well. That may or may not be possible but will help shape the direction - what's important to her the most.

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This is a sad and all too common problem. There simply is no "nice" way to say no. I realize they have difficulties and problems but that does not mean that you have to sacrifice your life for someone who is going to be a most impossible situation for you with increasing dementia and physical problems. You must be tough and simply make it the law that she either has a caretaker or she will need to be placed. Once you have her, you will have no life ever again and you will be a prisoner. It is now your time to live. Do it.

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This us such a hard situation. My mom started signs of dementia about 8 years before she passed...which was 15 months ago. I will miss her forever, but I know she is now without pain, confusion, being scared and is peaceful! I did not know how heavy this weighed on me, till she was gone...and although I miss the mom I knew, my shoulders are lighter.
May I suggest that instead of saying "no"...you kindly explain the necessary care and you want her to be safe. Having dementia is a scary thing and their memory loss backs up. Although my mom didn't forget me or my 3 brothers, she was constantly calling for her Momma. This disease robs its victims of everything. About 1 year before my mom passed, she would choke on eating simple soft foods, every now and then. This is something to be aware of, as in the end she was aspirating her food. She was in the hospital as she started retaining water also, blood pressure was high, O2 was low. Her doctor knew not to resuscitate and we were told she would luve 1 to 4 weeks longer. I immediately called hospice to care for her at her memory care facility after she went back. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, she passed the next day and never made it back to that unfamiliar place. I did go to see her 3 to 4 times a week...it kept her grounded and the large residential home (8 residents) could learn more about her with me there. The photo album I made really helped also.
Good luck to you. This is so unfair but like everything else, it doesn't last long.

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Dearest momsgoto,
I haven’t read any of the other responses but I need to say this to you. Trust me, after I give you a reality check I’ll give you advise. Your mother gave up a lot to raise 3 children. I hope you are grateful for that. At 93 your mother doesn’t have much time left on this planet. Incontinence and dementia are signs that her body is giving out. I don’t know if she has any other medical issues that may hasten her demise. That’s a reality check. I’m guessing a few months to 2 or so years.

I’m not sure who you are trying to say no to, your mother, your siblings or yourself? You are her children and between the three of you you must find a solution. Little hints and nuances aren’t going to cut here. Be the adults that you are and sit with your siblings and discuss the situation, the options and everyone’s feelings.

The bottom line here is money. Does she have long term care insurance? Can she afford to go into a skilled nursing home? incontinence is very very difficult to deal with if your mom is in denial about it. But if you can’t/won’t take her you best start thinking about options. This is NOT about saying no, it’s about finding a solution. Try on some gratitude, put a warm coat of empathy over it and top it with a big brimmed hat full of love. I know that you will find a solution. Your mom needs you now. Find a way to help her.
with love and light
Sabrina

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Plenty of people with dementia live for years. My mother had mild dementia in her early 90s, is now 100. Your "guess" of a few months to 2 or so years to live is totally unwarranted.

The other kids have made it clear they wont help. OP should not drive herself to an early grave doing this on her own.

Mom will have to spend her money on a care facility, and when it runs out, rely on Medicaid. An eldercare attorney or a geriatric manager can help.

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From my experience, it's all about the money. Siblings want you to take care of your mother 24/7 so that she won't incur the steep costs of care in a facility. Then when your health is absolutely ruined and your mother dies, they will expect that what remaining money your mother has left in her estate be split equally with you but you have done all of the work. You only have one life, dear gentle lady, and you need to remember the lyrics to a song named "It's My Time". Sounds like your mother and your siblings have "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Get a copy of the book "Don't You Know Who I Am?" at the library and you will realize the number they're trying to do on you. I wish it had been already written when I was doing my care giving.

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You really should think long and hard about bringing your mom into your home to live with you.

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PLEASE do not let yourself be guilted into this. When your mother tries to pressure you, just say no, mom you cannot move in with me. Same to siblings. At most offer to help her look for a facility and get on a wait list. Do not feel guilty, they are not willing to do this either.

I would also add, that IME, whatever help your siblings promise you, either in terms of helping you or financial, they will actually do less They will have issues (everyone does) that means they cannot visit as much, or cannot pay an aid as much. They will never call you and say, heah, I got an extra bonus, could you use more time with an aid? Or my own kid will be at disabled camp, do you want me to come down and help? Nope, it will ALWAYS be THEY need a break or they need the money. You will be stuck. Do not be the patsy.

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In an Independent Living Facility-- she would not have to lift a finger-- eating downstairs... getting up for breakfast or not. Visitors welcome at meals. A balcony to sit on and listen to the birds. Activities ! And friends galore who sit with you at mealtime and share. Find a close-by independent living and get her a weekend respite. Even better, find one with a connected assisted living with memorycare so if it comes to it, she'll only have to change her mini-apartment to a room in the assisted living wing. Did her husband ever do military service, perhaps she could qualify for the VA Aid and Attendance program-- $1127 a month, enough to pay for a studio apt. JUST--- be assertive and let them all know your boundries.

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Also most facilities have Nursing help that will cost extra, but is invaluable ! The CNAs are a gift from God.

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obviously your siblings have reasons they cannot do it but you have reasons too.

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Do keep in mind that your mother will not likely stay in her current state of dementia and needs. This could and likely will get worse. You need to plan for this and make the best decision now to include this in your decision making re: placement. It would be more disruptive to her and you to have to move her acutely.
I share as have been there. Adjustment now is better for your mother and this does not mean not being involved.
My best to you and your mother.

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You've had a lot of good advice and need to go with your own gut instincts about taking on this herculean task. I chose not to. My brothers considered it when they found out what it costs, but never went beyond stating it once...

The best you can hope for is that they will work with you in finding the best solution for your mother's care. Just hinting or saying you should do it, what makes it better for you than them? Just because you might be a bit younger and almost done with full time employment? Not a good reason.

Do also work on getting everything needed in order - POAs, will, trust for assets, etc and research all the options. Every facility and every EC attorney will have different costs and offerings, so you'll have to research a lot while making plans! As noted in some of my responses to others, even the non-hands-on care takes a lot of time and effort, but you can remain your mother's daughter AND advocate for her without taking on the 24/7 care!

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I would not give too many reasons for your answer. No, that won't work for me. No, I can't. No, Mom, we'll have to think of something else.

Whenever I offer a reason for saying no, I end up having to justify the decision over and over. I have learned that No is a complete sentence. Say No.

My husband's family has a habit of speaking indirectly. I have found it helpful to restate what they are saying "Are you saying I should be doing more to help with Mom?" "Are you saying we should visit more often?" I find it very helpful to make sure that I am interpreting the indirect comments properly and not receiving the wrong messages. It also brings the issue front and center so I can clearly communicate with them. I don't understand talking in hints. So much miscommunication can go on.

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Absolutely love that! Continuing to explains keeps you stuck. No IS a complete sentence. When you know in your heart you are giving all you can with no reciprocal assistance, when you know sometimes you just have to save yourself....then it's no with no apologies.

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Momsgoto,
It seems to me that having Mom move in with you doesn't truly solve everything.
You say she does "ok" right now, however, you are seeing her mental decline.
You work fulltime. And sibs are unable to care for her.
Is Mom able to afford an in home caregiver?
Eventually Mom will reach the point that she is unable to safely be alone.
Most of us on this site understand how painful these decisions are.
You have to make the decision that you can live with!
You want Mom to be safe and well cared for, but you don't want to be resentful either.
Hang in there!
God bless!!

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This is an easy one. Say NO.

What's hard is the guilt you may feel about saying no. You need to recognize you are placing this pressure on yourself. If mom has assets or income to support it, it's time for assisted living. If she doesn't have the finances, contact your county's office on services for the aging. See what day programs are available for social engagement (once the covid nightmare is manageable). Are there waivers available for some daily home care? There are likely a lot of programs you don't know about. Explore them.

But, first decide that your mom is NOT going to move in with you. Your siblings 'can't' take her in and neither can you.

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Couldn't she stay with you and get caregivers?
I mean mom's sacrifice so much themselves raising kids.

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Moms choose to have children.

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Seems like it time for a family discussions about your mom and her future needs. It is a family issue, not just your issue, to deal with. With your siblings and their spouses, discuss what types of care you mom needs now and types of care that may be required in the future. Each person should decide what he or she is able and willing to complete - without pressure. Tasks that do not have a "taker" may need to be farmed out to a paid person - independent caretaker or home health car aide through an agency or a residential facility. Every person should help in researching options and finding out your mom's resources through insurance, social security, medicare...

Has mom been diagnosed with dementia? If not, a doctor visit is the next step.

Does mom have have will, Powers of Attorney (medical and financial), and living will or Do Not Resuscitate documents? If not, then a trip to a family lawyer is required.

It is initially a lot of work, but eventually it becomes more manageable.

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Just say no. Hold your ground. If your heart and mind are unwilling to care for your mother full time, then it would be a mistake for you to do so because of pressure. Why can't your siblings care for her? How come you were nominated? You live an hour away. Moving your mother in with you would necessiitate a change in physicians, hospitals, hairdressers,churches, friends,family- all things familiar and comforting to her. So not only would you be dealing with a possible cognitive decline; you would be dealing with a definite adjustment. In my area, there is a program through the Y called s3nior shared housing. A senior is paired with a younger senior who needs housing. In return, the roommate helps with household chores. Maybe that would work for you. Or if your mother has funds, a caregiver could be hired. Or you all can chip in and hire a caregiver. Guilt is never a good motivator.

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One of my friends had to relocate in 2019 from CA to NV. She had done distance POA for her 96-year-old mother for one year until she died at her CA facility.

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I almost thought that I wrote this post because I am in a very similar situation, so I wish you much luck!! My mother IS with me now and wants to go home, but with her mild dementia and this virus, it isnt possible yet. Her psych evaluations are on hold. I contacted an assisted living specialist and we talked about sending her to a facility because I am burnt out and my siblings are useless. I will have an uphill battle as they either want her at her home or with me as I dont "work." I do have a life, however, and this situation is making me angry and resentful. Mom is getting more and more impatient with the quarantine and sleeps and sulks a lot. I hope you can say "no" and not feel guilty and get hassled by your siblings and anyone else. I'm finding it harder and harder to control my emotions with her and I feel a confrontation coming on with family. I do not have POA, so I hope I can convince my siblings to see my perspective. Good luck to you! I feel your anguish. Apparently, there are a lot of people in our predicament.

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Set mom up in a nice senior apt or assisted living facility. It was a lifesaver for me.

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Simple: "NO." The more you try to explain and support your answer the less convincing it is. There will never be enough reasons for your sibs to take it on themselves as long as they think they might be able to bully you into it. If your reasons are enough for you, they are enough.

I am currently doing very little for my mother as my sisters and I decided that only one should go to Mom's during this crisis. Until I was completely free to do my gardening and run my life without those commitments, I had no idea how much stress a day or two with Mom each week added to my life. All of my sisters agree with me that we are glad we did not let Mom come and live with any of us. We are all in our late 60's/70's and it is more than enough stress to spend a day or two per week at Mom's house. At this point, I wish I had never been willing to "care" for my mother at all. I love visiting her, talking to her on the phone. I simply do not want the responsibility of her inabilities and her constantly deteriorating mind, body, and house. I wish that I had taken a few years between work and my own old age to do some travel, have some fun.

Be assured, if your Mom needs 24/7 care it is not possible for you or anyone else to do it alone. If she needs that kind of care she needs residential care, not an enslaved daughter. Say "No" and mean it.

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You have a meeting with the siblings to discuss the best options for your mom. Could she moved to assisted living nearer to you and them? Just kids visiting is a plus when done on a regular basis. See who can offer what in the way of taking care of her if she was in a reasonable distance to all of you. If neither of them can offer any kind of help, then find a place close to you and tell them you cannot do the 24/7 job alone.

If finances allow, could 24/7 care be paid for if she did live in your home? That could be an option and you would be free to carry on with things you planned for retirement life. Financial situation is going to determine what kind of paid help you could get or type of facility she could live in. You might start the conversation there.

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Just say No. Do not take her into your home. I know how awful this becomes with your parent not trusting help who comes daily to help. She was so nice to the caretaker until the caretaker went home then there was a total personality change. Your mom took care of you as a child and I know the guilty feeling of not being there 24/7 but you will regret bringing her into your home unless you are totally prepared for a different lifestyle and becoming the caretaker.

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Could you and your siblings help your Mom find an ALF that has higher levels of care as well? I do not recommended having your Mom live with you, and I strongly disagree with comments others have made about “guilt”. I would never want to guilt my kids into taking me in! I do not ever want to be a burden to them!

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Please, just say "No, I am not able to" or "It is not possible for me to care for mom at this time". You do not need to explain why; it is your business. If she comes into your home she will never go to MC or a NH, and you may live the rest of your years being her staff, and/or die before she does. Do not feel guilty! You have your own life to live! Best wishes.

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Do not let her live with you if you can avoid it. I wish someone had told me how difficult it would be before my Mom came to live with me 7 1/2 years ago. She is 91 years old now with dementia and it keeps getting more difficult.She has never appreciated the scarifice my family has made to have her live with us. Keep your Mom where she is if you can.

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