How do I stay pleasant and sane when living with in-laws?
My in-laws moved in with us last month when relocated across the country to raise our son in my hometown.
Previously, my in-laws lived close by in their own apartment, but we had to move them in with us when we moved cross-country. My husband didn't want to send them back to Italy where they have no one to help them besides paid caregivers, and the new town is car-dependent (my in-laws won't drive). So, we bought a huge house to deal with living with them while also working from home.
I have a lot of experience with them part-time living with us at our old vacation home (sold when we moved). In our cabin, they would constantly watch me or need to be in the kitchen at the very moment I would go in, and it drove me crazy. I figured if we bought a big enough house with their own section, they wouldn't constantly be underfoot. NOPE! The exact same thing is happening in our huge house.
I should mention, my father in-law can't/won't do anything for himself b/c he uses a walker, and a week after the move my mother in-law sprained her ankle, severely limiting her mobility beyond hobbling into the kitchen to make a coffee for her husband and then watch me cook, clean, etc. Two weeks after the move my father in-law fell and broke his ribs. Are we having fun yet? I know none of us are, but trust me, they didn't have this extra baggage when they were raising my husband and his brother. They have plenty of money to live on their own back in Italy where they still have a place, they just don't want to b/c then they would only see us when we visit them.
I now hide on the 3rd floor of my beautiful new house that I worked years to be able to buy, just to avoid them, I order dinner in most nights b/c I'm tired of being watched, and my husband stays in our basement where his office is. He's very busy with work, but I think he's also avoiding them.
My marriage couldn't be better. Eye roll. I know the stress of moving is time limited and will fade and my mother in-law will eventually heal and be semi helpful again one day. I say semi b/c she weaponizes incompetence to a level I haven't seen in a woman before. "I couldn't ice my ankle b/c I don't know where the ice is." "I couldn't do dishes/wash clothes b/c I don't know how to work the dishwasher/washer/dryer, etc." This helplessness has been an issue WAY before the ankle injury. She refuses to learn anything new around the house, yet otherwise, is whip smart. She was an impressive businesswoman until she was 70 and now, she can't figure out how to run a dishwasher (mind you, she figured it out in her prior apartments, like 3 various ones in our old town). She's totally bored and annoyed with her husband yet doesn't busy herself with simple tasks to avoid him and help the household, like putting dishes away, b/c to her point "I don't know where things go" (my kitchen cabinets are glass paned... you can see where nearly everything goes.
I go to my parents as often as I can to escape but I'm still living out of boxes. I need to spend more time settling my house instead of running away. I'm currently unemployed, but that will end soon, and work will be an outlet, so there's that, but then new issues arise (them creating distractions and needing me while I'm in meetings).
Mostly I'm just venting to an audience that is likely familiar with this situation, but I'd love to know what others have done to stay nice and sane during times when elderly in-laws or parents move in.
Listing this as relating to the topic of "new to caregiving" b/c I guess that's what I became without really signing up for it, a caregiver.
Don't even think of getting them their own house or apartment near you because it will be YOU who has to manage it, get the bills paid, make sure maintenance is done, and every other thing they think of to make your life miserable.
Good case of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."
At some point, you will need to deal with the fact that they bought round trip tickets. Rut roh. Maybe once they are there and settled back in, they will see how much they missed it and seeing her sister and dying husband could make them want to stay. Traveling is not easy either so maybe they won't be wanting to hop on a plane again. Maybe plan a trip to visit them to help keep them over there?!
Woohoo!
while they are gone, I will have a lot of discussions with my husband in the event that they find themselves wanting to return. The goal will be to keep them in Italy where my husband has to go for work (me as well bc I now work for him), and visit several times a year. My husband will have to lean on his brother to visit often as well.
If they need to come back to us, they will have to keep the visit short or get an apartment, or may buy a small house for them and have it as investment for later.
Thank you for reaching out!!
Stone, thanks for this update telling us that they are on their way back to Italy. I wish them and you well.
It’s time for you and your husband to take your house back and make it a pleasant place to enjoy with your family.
Even if their behaviors are due to health or they are ill, they are not your responsibility to house unless you want to. They could get assisted living near you or snf, 5hey could live in their own home and get care there. They may need help arranging travel back home..
Wishing you good luck and that hubby has the good sense to see this arrangement is clearly not working and that revised, separate living quarters are necessary.
Keep chiding your MIL for watching you. Tell her to go find something to do LOL. At least she is walking away with a smile on her face. Until you can get them to FL, stay as busy as you can in your big house. I would totally hide on the 3rd floor! Or get out of the house.
I feel so bad for your crappy situation. Are you going to have to sell the big house when they leave? If so, maybe say you can't afford it and put it on the market sooner rather than later? Then move into a one bedroom apartment - sorry no room here my dear in laws!!
They came to the US to be with their son and family for "some time" and it is very clear, that you - their daughter-in-law - cannot stand them.
From what I understand they are elderly, also probably close to having dementia.
So they were first parked in a place "close-by" until they were shippped to the "huge house" where they are also not welcome.
Where their son lives in the basement, the daughter-in-law retreats to the 3rd floor;
Does anybody talk to each other in your happy home ?
Do you all sit down for breakfast ? Probably not,
How about lunch, you -from your perch up high - order your own lunch.
What about your guests ?
Whatever sonny #1 "down there" is doing you don't specify.
These "guests to your house", you in-laws, are left by themselves, to fend for themselves.
Basically alone in your new mausoleum.
Good Show !!
So much for your hospitality and your son's upbringing
As for your MIL staring at you: she is probably waiting for you to say something nice, and indeed she may NOT know how to handle a dishwasher or coffee maker, and maybe is terrified of doing the wrong things in YOUR strange house (where they are NOT WANTED anyway)
Have you ever thought about THEIR feelings, their unhappyness ?
Maybe you, your husband and his parents can sit down together and have a friendly talk.
And I mean: friendly from the heart, because these people deserve respect and and a whole lot better than you have given them and rest assured, they won't come back.
My advise to you and your husband is:
1) Let your father and mother/inlaw know that you have made comfortable arrangements for them to travel and see sonny #2 in Florida, who is looking forward to welcome them.
2) Assure them also that (you and) sonny #2 will arrange the return to their own home in Italy,where people are warm and friendly, where they also can freely speak their own language.
3) The same family members are also seeing to it that they get assistance to have their old- age needs met.
4) And please, see yourself for what you are; you certainly are not a caregiver
in any way
After my father died, my mother “ stayed with us “ , sort of on a trial basis. She drove us crazy . I decided I wasn’t going to change what goes on in my house to my mothers liking . We just did our normal routine and started ignoring her complaints . She then decided to go back to her own house . She said she couldn’t live with our “ habits “.
Just stopping by to wish you well.
Isn't weird she uses language like instigate this without waging war. Doesn't this imply the family or Husband are not ready?
I do agree she can put her foot down, but this long term plan seems like something she is trying to force instead of working with the husband.
I love it, too! Paints a vivid picture of what life is like in your house!
"Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March."
Your BIL WANTS them with him???? There's your chance! (What does SIL think about it?) When it becomes unbearable for SIL, then it's time for next steps.
Do they pay anything towards the mortgage? Utilities? Food? Do they drive? (If not, who takes them to medical appointments?) Are they Italian citizens? How long have they lived in the U.S.?
Shouldn't the compromise be a middle ground both parties can live with? As you said you do not want wage war with your husband, so don't but honest and open and come up with a plan / compromise that works for both parties not just one.
Re: my situation, the in-laws really do need to move out, at least for a good portion of the year and I'm working on a way to instigate this without waging a war with my DH. We may be able to ship them off to Florida to stay with my BIL!!! Crossing fingers!
That said, if they have enough money and your house is big enough, would it be possible to completely separate their section from yours, install a kitchen or kitchenette, and a separate entrance?
But, you need to put on your big girl pants and be honest with your in-laws that living with them is too stressful for you and since it's your house, they are the ones who have to accept that change is coming.
"I figured if we bought a big enough house with their own section, they wouldn't constantly be underfoot." Really DH should tell them that you bought the house with their own section so he and you could have some alone time with each other and your son. That because you both work u need time together.
Again me, but if my parents watched me work and had their own section, I would ask them, would you mind going to your section. I can clean a lot better when no ones under foot. Maybe DH should tell them this arrangement will not work if you are together continuously. There needs to be time that they are alone as a couple and time your alone as a couple.
Just this morning I caught my MIL staring at me while I was making breakfast and packing my DH's lunch. She knows it bugs me so I playfully, yet loudly, tell her to stop watching me. She laughed and did it again minutes later (she really can't seem to help herself), and I yelled again and she left the room with a smile on her face. I'm sure she's a little offended, but eventually, she will learn the kitchen is my space.
You have an Italian MIL. There's no living sanely with that. I'm Italian and I know that my grandmother could never have lived with any of her DIL's (even the ones she liked).
Find them some senior housing and move them too it before your happy marriages becomes a misery and heads for the divorce court.
Believe me, my friend. It will happen. There can only be one woman in a house. An old-country Italian MIL? Move them out now before it's too late.
They have money, they need to move back to Italy.
You do understand that they can live for another 20 years or more, my mother is 98!
Why you would agree to this is beyond me, it has no chance of working.
Time to make a change, visit them a couple of times a year in Italy and be done with it.
I am glad that you have a good sense of humor because unless you do something now you will need it, or you will end up in the looney bin and they will be living in your house!
Good Luck!
Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March. One or both sons will fly with them and leave them "for a few months" (wink wink). Hoping they decide they are happier there and want to stay. I think they will breath a sigh of relief in their own, familiar place.
Plan B is to pull my hair out. I have a lot of it. Ha!
This was a bad idea in the first place, there are cultural differences, getting the care they need will be difficult as they age (no Medicare), and you don't like having them in YOUR house.
Good intentions pave the road to misery. In your case, it's fixable, though not without a lot of tears and gnashing of teeth.
We learn from our mistakes. You've learned a lot from this one. Good luck!
You are so right. There are cultural differences that make this really hard.
We never know how the down turn happens, whether it's sudden or slow or how in-tune they will be with regards to their situation. I think I will offload my IL's to Italy where they can have a caregiver live in. My parents wouldn't move it, but likely have to downsize to a condo and have a caregiver. The conversation hasn't been had yet but I plan to bring it up to understand what they want. They can see what doesn't work, so I know they won't want to live in with us. They have the means for paid support thankfully.
My grandma lived with us for 20 years. She died when she was 94 give or take a year or 2. Neither of my parents thought she would live with them that long but she did. Guilt is a powerful force. And grandma was physically and mentally in good health the entire 20 years. No medications and healthy as a horse.
Unlike your inlaws who are already seriously declining and not doing anything to help around the house but be underfoot ALL the time.
Believe me even if they were doing the dishes or small chores I don't think you are going to be happy having them in your house for the next 5, 10 or 20 years.
I personally would have a sit down with husband and admit moving them in was a mistake and it's not going to work out. But good luck getting him to admit that too since they are his parents.
Unfortunately you are probably not going to go there just yet wit hubby about his parents so all you can do is set firm boundaries and stick to them.
This will cause hurt feelings by the in-laws but better that then you living like the heroine in some god awful gothic novel in the 3rd floor of your house while your husband hides out in the basement like a hermit.
Good luck. You are going to need it.
You are right. Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March. One or both sons will fly with them and leave them "for a few months" (wink wink). Hoping they decide they are happier there and want to stay. I think they will breath a sigh of relief in their own, familiar place.
If I can get them to Italy, and I know I can, they won't come back until my FIL dies. Then my MIL will come back and I will work on survival plan B.
she can do the dishes
she can prep things for dinner. Or let her do dinner 2 or 3 nights a week.
I don't know your In Laws but as soon as you said they were from Italy I coulda told you that she will most likely plant herself in the kitchen.
If you don't want her in "your" kitchen (and I totally get that I like to keep people out of my kitchen) give her other things to do that will help you but keep her occupied and she is contributing to the household.
If it is not to late in the season get a little "Kitchen Garden" started and let her tend that. Some herbs, some quick growing lettuces and since you are in California some other things just might come up before the growing season is over.
If none of these work then the solution is a small apartment or condo that they can live in and if they need help you can either help or they can have caregivers some in to help
Have you and your husband talked about the elephant in the room?
Why did you "have to" move them in? What is wrong with living in Italy with paid care?
I just don't see where "have to" comes into play.
We've spoken and the two infirm elephants in the room. He is very resistant to sending them back to Italy b/c in his words "They will never come back." I'm ok with that idea, he is not. I have to ease him into it or we will have major issues in our marriage.
Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March. One or both sons will fly with them and leave them "for a few months" (wink wink). Hoping they decide they are happier there and want to stay. I think they will breath a sigh of relief in their own, familiar place and my DH will also be happier. He just feels so much responsibility right now he can't see that it's the only solution. His parents need to go back to Italy.
You might have to choose between staying pleasant and INSANE. Or staying unpleasant and SANE.
:(
Your humor made me laugh several times. I understand it’s not a funny situation at all.
As you know, living together with ANY adult is hard. And then with in-laws?? I don’t know of any successful, happy story.
The closest to “OK”, was my friend. She and her husband allowed her mom to move in. At first the two houses were connected (no door). The mom entered all the time. It was too much. They built a wall, to separare the two houses. Things got better. Privacy.