So I posted a few days ago about all my mom’s issues and feeling guilty about putting her in a SNF. The comments I got were so helpful. I feel sad she’s in a home, but I know this is where she has to be for all the issues she has.
Mom, in the last month, broke her hip twice (2 falls) and had a major stroke while in the hospital due to long term smoking. She now has sepsis and is on 6 weeks of antibiotics. She is addicted to opioids, alcohol, and cigarettes. She has a personality disorder of some kind it’s in diagnosed but she doesn’t t manipulative, and a narcissist. We are not close, but I am an only child so I’m left dealing with this. Extended family had helped.
She has only been out of the hospital and at the SNF for 3 days now. Yesterday she had PT and the therapist had her sitting in a wheelchair. She said she was dizzy and needed pain meds. She’s not been eating which I’ll get into in a sec. The therapist was trying to get through the therapy lesson, but my mom pitched a fit and he said fine, I’ll get the nurse to help you back in bed. When he came back she had thrown her oatmeal across the room. She said she got angry. She’s worse than a child.
Today she kept texting me SOS. I finally was able to speak to her over the phone and she said no one in the facility was helping, the nurse was In There with her and said she had been in there several times. My mom said she was trying to call for someone for hours. But no one came and that my husband and I should be doing random walk through to make sure she’s being attended to. I told her I did do that before picking the facility and that she had the same problem while I. The hospital and that they have other patients and my mom needs to be patient. She said not I don’t I expect my needs to be met as soon as I ask. I said that will never happen mom, that’s unrealistic.
She is refusing to eat, like anything. Even though we have pleaded with her. I asked her why she won’t eat and she said because she was sick of people telling her to eat. I told her it was just to help her and her body needs it. She said she didn’t care she will eat when she wants to.
There’s so much more, this is just the surface of it. She wants me to drop what I am doing and wait on her hand and foot. She wants me to come to her whenever she asks. I simply can’t. She’s driving me crazy, I hate visiting her but I make myself do it. When she calls I get extremely anxious talking to her. It’s such a mess and I’m trying to teach myself to keep it separate from my life because I have very trying kids who need me and I’m putting them first, by all means, but my anxiety is through the roof.
I am not on anxiety pills I don’t think I want to be. This is all situational. I did have some postpartum anxiety but it was manageable before all this. I feel bad saying this but I just want this to end. I'm mentally exhausted.
I don’t think I have an exact question m, just seeing who else has been through this with a narcissist parent. How did you keep it from getting to you and upsetting you?
Thanks for reading!
It’s your responsibility to take care of your children and your spouse and yourself.
Many residential care facilities prefer that families go silent for a period of time so that a newly admitted patient adjust to relying on their care staff.
Whether you have been formally told to stay away or not, it would sound as though it would be good for BOTH you and your mother to do that.
Stop answering the phone calls, don’t respond to texts, and above all, don’t visit. If you feel it’s necessary, inform her residence what you’re doing and why.
You cannot make your mother happy, and trying to do so can make you feel MUCH worse yourself.
Just TRY this. Don’t allow your own anxiety to convince you that you need to be responsible for her life every second. That JUST ISN’T TRUE.
Good luck. It’s hard but not impossible. Put yourself first, and stay away.
I would talk to her nurse or better yet the DON about your situation. I would ask them what they suggest for how to get her to back off and you to regain your sanity and your life. And refocus on your life and family.
Has the doctor there seen her - you'll need to talk to her/him and find out what his plans are. She needs something to help her calm the F down.
Good luck.
I am definitely going to talk to the nurse. Thank you!
You mentioned postpartum, talk to your doctor about what medications are safe if you are breastfeeding.
when my marriage ended, I had a mental breakdown. It was a terrible time in my life. I needed medication to help me cope. I was resisting it, but I do not think I would have survived without it. The side effects of the first medication were worse than not taking it. The second, Ativan, once I started taking it was a life saver. I was on it as needed for 3 years. I have not needed it for 5.5 years.
Please talk to your doctor.
Now to Mum. She is in a care facility. There is nothing you can do to meet Mum’s needs that the staff cannot do for her.
But the staff will not be her punching bag. She wants you for that.
So, you stop taking her punches. You stop taking her calls and texts. You do not listen to messages she leaves you. Block her number.
Talk to the NH administration and let them know you will not be taking her calls. They can call you if there is an emergency.
Will Mum be happy? Of course not. But her happiness is not your responsibility.
You just had a baby? Congrats! If you are breastfeeding you must keep calm. Even if not, babies feel the tension and react to it. Tell Mom, sorry I can't put my energy in you now. At 64 she should be able to figure things out on her own.
so yes, if she gets better she can go back to her apartment. But, she has done very little to get better. She says she’s putting in effort but she’s not. She can’t even sit in a wheelchair without complaining. Also she is not eating at all so that doesn’t help. Her choices are to get better and go back to her apartment or stay in SNF
Meds do not solve your problems or change a bad situation. They help
you handle problems without the problems swallowing you whole.
I would avoid contact until she has detoxed.
Get daily updates from staff daily if you like. Or not.
If you feel it would help you + her, add ONE phone call with Mom daily too. Maybe ONE weekly visit.
Her daily oatmeal issues etc are not your issues.
PS find some phrases you can say on automatic to stall eg;
You'll get used to the new place Mom. Give it time.
Gotta go now. Have a good day. Talk to you tomorrow.
Hope today is better for you. See you on Xday.
As far as a good response to mom, just repeat ( similar to the amount she calls on you with the same complaints) that she has to stay there until the doctor says she is better to go home. She can whine to the doctor.
As for your anxiety, have you ever tried mindfulness breathing? There are quite a few on YouTube that take 10 to 15 minutes. They are boring to listen to but the nature of them is to quiet your mind. Lay down, hands on chest and feel your breathing while listening to the speaker...no need to watch the video
I plan on reminding her our house is off limits.
mindful breathing was in a book I read last month, thank you, I will try that!
Other than that, there is nothing you can do to get an addict clean. Nothing. Realize that and tell her you're turning off your phone to calls and texts now. To please let you know if she decides to become a responsible adult at some point, otherwise you're done with her particular brand of B.S. You have a baby to care for and can't be taking anti anxiety meds or drinking booze to calm down from the huge amount of stress she is CHOOSING to cause you bc she's melting down for not getting her way. Sorry not sorry mom but MY child is more important than your hissy fits right now, so tell your troubles to someone else bc I will not be coming to rescue you.
In the meantime, what helps me thru times of acute stress and anxiety is to ask myself a question: "What is wrong at this very moment?"
And unless your arm is hanging off by a thread, there never IS anything wrong at any given moment. You are either projecting the future which is Anxiety, or dwelling on the past which is Depression. But at this very moment, nothing is wrong. Asking yourself that question may talk you down off the ledge as it does me. Helps you focus on the Now and the present moment instead of the past or the future.
In reality, this is your MOTHER'S LIFE not yours. Your life is lovely, with your baby and your children etc, and nothing is threatening that.
Your addicted mother has already stolen enough joy and PEACE from your life, dear lady. Vow to never let her steal another moment of it away from you.
My mother had histrionic personality traits, was passive-aggressive to the nth degree, and exhibited tons of NPD traits my whole life. I'm an only child. What helped me separate from her emotionally was reminding myself she was mentally ill and suffering from dementia. All the horrible things she said and did over the years caused me untold anxiety and stress, too. But I'd tell myself it was SHE who was ill and not me. I too wanted it all to end and it didn't until she was 95. Now peace has been restored to my life and my heart, now that she's with God at a level of new understanding for the pain she caused ME for 64 years.
Thats the best, most honest advice I can give you from someone who gets it.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for the courage to let go of trying to fix mom.
She did this to herself by her life choices, sucks but, you are not responsible to be her pizzing post and you don't have a miracle up your sleeve to fix it.
No doubt, none, that she is angry right now. All of her life choices have been taken away, except narcotics and those are being monitored and regulated, guarantee it sucks to be her right now. But, you didn't do any of this and you should refuse to be her kicking post.
It is completely okay for you to tell her that she treats you civil or don't call, write or expect visits. You are a grown woman, with a family that needs you healthy, you don't have to accept her BS anymore. That really is the great thing about being an adult, nobody gets to decide that you have to accept being abused in any way, shape or form. It is all up to you what you will or will not put up with.
Go be the best mom, spouse and friend you can be to your family. She is in care and gets to live with whatever she decides from this day forward.
It won't be easy, we love our parents, even if they tear us apart at every turn but, you will be stronger for setting and enforcing boundaries, no matter how hard. Besides, it's a skill you need to have raising kids. :-)
Literally after 3 years of solely taking care of my Mom I have decided to go out of state for Thanksgiving with my children and grandchildren. I am slowly learning that I have got to take care of myself so my husband, children and grandchildren can get the very best of me, not the anxiety, anxious depressed version of me. It will get better if you can just set and stick to some boundaries. Take care and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.
Have a very nice Thanksgiving and enjoy it. Do not worry about Mom, she is being taken care of.
Hopefully Mom has detoxed some & is adjusting to her new reality better.
Have you been able to extract yourself from her issues any?