Maybe that question seems obvious, but it is harder than it seems. I am his older brother and most of his life he had leaned on me, like when he’s been unemployed, broke, recently broken up with someone, or facing some other personal crisis. Once the waters calm in his life, he reverts back to his typical purely self centred self.
Recently, our mom passed away. She was in the hospital for nearly a year before she passed. During that year he came and visited her once. He would tell me all of the time that he would be here helping me if he could (he lives 2 provinces over). In that same breath he also told me how excited he was to go on a trip for 2 weeks to Mexico; he also went to Montana and Banff during this time - so he could have helped if he really wanted to.
My mom left him out of the will completely, but had a direct disbursement from her life insurance allocated to him. I’m sure you can imagine how angry he was that he wasn’t given half of the life insurance and was left out of the estate. There’s good reason, he had tried to take over my mom’s finances a bit more than 5 years before she passed. He tried to sell her house and downsize her against her wishes, so he could pocket the equity. In turn she ensured he had no authority over her estate.
I have tried to foster a relationship with him but it’s all bout what he wants. I have flown out to help him with a surgery and to paint his house. When I flew out to help him paint, he spent the entire week at his new girlfriend’s place and I painted his whole house by myself - not even a thank you. He needed 12k for a down payment for a new house after a bad breakup. I lent it to him - not a thank you and I had to hound him to get paid back.
Just recently he asked for more money and I said no. In turn he told me he wasn’t coming back home for my mom’s celebration of life because of “the current status our relationship” really it is because I wouldn’t give him more money. The kicker is we planned this whole thing around his availability. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t want anything to do with him, he is toxic; but I can’t quite get him out of my mind - worrying about him. What can I do to stop being tempted to contact him?
As I've gotten older I've decided that I don't need to feel any attachment or obligation to family members just because they are kin. I've stopped communicating with my 2 BILs and their wives because I realized it was a 1-way street: only when I initiated a conversation or plan to meet up did anything happen. They obviously don't care so I'm going to invest my time and energies on people who I really enjoy being with, regardless if they are family or not.
"What can I do to stop being tempted to contact him?"
Find healthy boundaries and defend them. Block his number, don't check in on him on social media and stop caring. Stop being a Rescuer: it's been a thankless job this whole time and a waste of good intentions on him. Move on. See a therapist if necessary. Get a life of your own.
A therapist who specializes in toxic relationships can help you learn to disengage.
🙏
You are the life vest.
You know the answer to your question.
Tell him when he is not in crisis that he needs to "grow up" and begin solving his own problems.
He mentally holds you hostage to his wants.
I also think that you need to talk to a counselor, therapist so that you can get to the root of the "why" you do this to yourself.
NO is a powerful 2 letter word and you need to learn how to use it more and mean it. Plus some good therapy probably wouldn't hurt for you either, so you can better understand why you feel the need to be used and abused by your brother and anyone else who may have you caught in their dysfunctional web.
I had a brother with somewhat similar personality issues. He took with reckless abandon and expected all of us to shore him up.
He exhausted me. He actually frightened me, in some ways. Finally, about 2 years before he died, I made the decision to go 'no contact' with him. My DH was totally supportive of this and I was much calmer and better.
When he died, I had no reaction, b/c to me, he had been 'dead' for years. I sound awful to say that, I know, but he was such an emotion-suck. He took and took and then abused us all, financially and mentally.
Family or not, he was not a good influence in my life. I didn't hate him, but I hated how he made me feel.
He's playing you--and don't give in to his childish demands. If he doesn't want to come to his mother's celebration of life, tell him that's fine and don't let him manipulate you.
He knows you care and he's gotten in your brain. Sounds like he can do just fine without you. Remember all you've done for him and practice letting it all go.
It sounds like you have good boundaries, as did your mom, recognizing brother's nature and declining to continue giving money or help. It's just hard to let go of the idea of somehow fixing him and having him magically become appreciative and understanding.
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