Hello everyone!
New here - looking for emotional support! Here's my story:
I lost my mom to breast cancer last year. My dad really struggled since and he often complained about being lonely as both I and my brother live in different countries. There are lots of details but, throughout the years, he contributed to his lack of social connections, including his long term heavy drinking, which, also impacted his relationship with my mom and with us, his kids.
7 weeks ago, I got a call that a neighbor found him unconscious and he was taken to the ER. Long story short, after some analysis including a TC (which was labeled as cerebral lacunarism), he was transferred to psychiatry and treated for alcohol withdrawal. He spend their less than 2 weeks. The few people who saw him while he was there kept telling me he was 'not there', seems to not have been eating (not at hospital, but before, while he was still living by himself), that he is lost and weak and does not register what is happening.
I traveled back home for his discharge and had to make a plan, knowing that he no longer can live by himself.
In our European country, AD is not a priority and there are no good facilities available, that you can trust to truly take care of the patients. More than that, recently, there was an outbreak of news about private facilities where patients were grossly mistreated or abused.
Also, this a society where there is the judgement for 'abandoning' your loved ones in a facility and not being the one doing the all-hands caring.
I searched a private facility and I set my eyes on one. I have to say, it looks extraordinary, but is super mega extra expensive. It is half of my current salary, without counting on any extra services or the medication which so far I had to purchase myself. & the more need for care he will need, the price will also continue to increase.
Anyway, in the 4 days I spend home with him after hospital discharge, I told him on different occasions my plan, but he always seems to forget it. I also saw he was totally confused, even in his own home.
Among one of the things that really shocked me was that he did not recall my mom's passing.
So, I took him there and he was 'admitted' to a separate unit, with people with AD or other types of psychiatric problems. This was a shock for me as I had this totally different image of him staying at this serene place, with so many amenities which it seems (?) he now cannot use, as they are not allowed to exit independently that part of the care. While I understand this is for their own good and I am aware of that many AD patients wander around, it was still a shock for me.
He is there for a month now, and 3 weeks ago a psychiatrist saw and diagnosed him with moderate AD.
He confuses some of his palls there with different relatives, including some that are no longer alive (my mom being one of them). I call him every day and usually he's telling me he's at the clinic with my mom as she is sick, or that his mom or dad are sick.
Due to my job, I already had some info about AD and I kind of know what to expect. I have also read several books & forums in these last weeks.
However, I am still struggling. With guilt for putting him there where is not close to family, where he is not visited (not that many would go). With frustration, with anxiety of me not being there. But - I simply cannot move back home to take care of him. I also struggle with the uncertainty and the fact that I know there is a long road ahead. This has already impacted my mood, my feelings, and my personal relationship with my partner and it has been only a few weeks. Not to mention the financials that I am covering after using his low pension.
This scares me.
I struggle with everything. I now feel not only alone and that people don’t understand my situation, I also feel abandoned. My brother is not involved and I don't think it will change.
My plan is to visit him every day 3-4 weeks.
How do I move forward?
In my own opinion your father is well on his way to death due to his alcoholism. There is no earthly reason for you to sink your money into an elder when you will need it for your own needs in old age.
I would allow the father to become as ward of the state just as though he had no children; the state will place him, because I can assure you that you will never find "good" placement for anyone in his condition in ANY country; he likely has alcoholic encephalopathy and likely will die of it. Sadly. As to what other culture and other countrie think or say or cultural have as norms I couldn't be less interest in that. There is culture and there is civilization. I greatly favor the latter.
Sorry you are met with this, but in crisis, children who have escaped abusive parents are often called back to give of their time, their money and their sanity. I simply would not do it.
Most of our parents brought us up with their expectations, that elders would be cared for in the family. It’s changing everywhere, at different rates, but in your ‘home’ country it will be changing too – even if you don’t realise it. The change comes because elders are living so much longer, families are smaller, financial needs have altered, and there are no longer women without jobs in the home to do the care. You can’t change this, and you too need to accept that these expectations don’t work for you or your father.
In the last year since your mother died, your father ‘often complained about being lonely’. He had largely brought it on himself by ‘long term heavy drinking’. Your mother propped him up, and the ‘kids’ moved away. The predictable end result was that ‘a neighbor found him unconscious’. He had made no plans for his old age, and you didn’t expect this.
You need to let yourself off the hook. It is not your responsibility to make up for years of alcoholism, bad choices in relationships, and lack of planning. You can’t change the past, and it is impossible to give your father the retirement he might have had if he had lived his life differently.
Your father is now in care in his home country. It may not be what you want, or as good as you would like, but he is getting the care available locally to people like him. Accept it, just as you accepted the care that was available for your mother, and visit when you are able. This is not 'abandoning him'. You don’t have a magic wand to change the system.
Best wishes, Margaret
For anyone who dares judge you for not doing the hands on care giving for your father, tell them to kiss it where the sun don't shine. It's none of their business.
Visiting him every 3 -4 weeks seems excessive and expensive. Can you really afford to take time off work every month or so? What if you get fired from your job? You have to take care of yourself first and that includes finding a solution for dad to be in a facility without you paying 50% plus of your income.
It sounds like dad has dementia with all the memory loss, etc. He will not be recovering from this and if you are lucky his decline will be quick and not drag on for decades (I know it sounds terrible but the alternative to him living a long time is worse for him and for you).
I am painfully aware that this can drag out for many years to come and I feel I don't have an option or alternative. At least not yet :(
Visit, call, do, get as much info as you can. Until this acute stage settles. Your Father is presently safe & cared for.
Once the initial shock subsides (& your stress levels) you will start to adjust to the situation. This can bring much sadness/grief, but also acceptance of where things are at.
Then you can make the longer term plans.
Your Brother could also be in shock/denial & hopefully he adjusts & steps in to make a team with you. If not, you will do it. You have the strength & will gather others to help you. (((Hugs)))
If I were you, I wouldn't visit him so often. He's not going to remember things and may not even remember you. I've been through it with a LO who didn't know who I was, and it is so stressful. I don't think you'd be doing either of you any favors in visiting every month or so. How about visiting every eight weeks? Or ten or twelve? Let him make friends where he is, which will be easier to do if you're not there disrupting his schedule.
What you could do is employ someone near him to be your "boots on the ground." Pay them to check in with him in his facility every week or three weeks or whatever. That person can help dad communicate with you by Zoom or Facetime or some other platform. That way you can be reassured and not have to go there. The person you hire could be a personal assistant, a neighbor, a college student who is looking for extra work. It doesn't have to be a medical professional, just someone who is social and willing to chat with your dad about his day, and then put you on the phone or computer live-talk feature with him.
I just don't see traveling back and forth frequently to see him as a viable option. You need to keep your partner happy, remain employed, and have a life of your own rather than squander your time and money on dad, who after all brought this all upon himself and left you to pick up the broken pieces. Not nice of him.
At the moment, he does know (99% of the time) who I am. Also, when I am calling he know who he is speaking with.
Over the last few days / weeks I've seen a bit of an improvement, but I know more than to have hopes - I know it was just a good moment or good day.
Thank you all for your replies - for some reason I didn't see many of them only until recently, despite me checking the website and having email alerts!
I wish you all and me too - much strength, patience and health!
Not all medical people would know the difference. Sadly, so many don't know all that much about different types of dementia & lump it all under Alzheimer's Disease.
Your only other option is move him here and that won't work because he would not be entitled to benefits. He has to set up residency status and then its 5 yrs before he could get Medicaid to help with his care. Medicare and Social Security is based on your earnings made in the US.
We had Weary who did this because in India the care for her Mom with Dementia was so bad and Weary was it. Mom lived with her. Weary had to pay for Moms health insurance and her needs. Something to do with not being able to touch her money in India. Weary had a p/t job and an understanding husband. Her Mom passed after 3 yrs in the US.
I would ask about this Wernicke-Korsakoff that Beatty talks about. If caught early by giving the thiamine needed, it can be reversed.
"If you catch and treat it early, you can make a full recovery, but it could take up to a year. Confusion and issues related to it are often the last symptoms to go away.Sep 27, 2022"
I never really considered moving him here (even thought my DH suggested it), and I don't want to move back home either.
But also, I cannot just NOT be involved because there is simply no other person willing to do that, and also because my conscience would not let me sleep at night.