How do I transition to accepting my mom's inability to socialize anymore?

Hang in there Sabrina. First, your Mom is not mentally well enough to live on her own without someone checking up on her, at least by phone, daily. The fact that she is still driving is worrisome. At this stage, using a stove is also worrisome as she could leave it on by accident.

Your Mom is aware enough that she knows something is wrong. However, she doesn't get the feedback or can rationalize what is going on. Even if you told her, her defense mechanism will probably kick in and thwart any of your good intentions.

I would try and get some companionship and home health care for her. Maybe bring her to your house for a visit (and only a visit), or arrange for people to check in with her. She needs to get some feedback on her mental condition and right now, she is still unsure of what is going on.

When was her last complete physical (including dentist and eyes and hearing aid?) Did she go by herself?

For instance, my mother got cataract surgery at least 2 years after she should have had it. She didn't realize what her doctor was saying and he thought she was totally in control of her brain. By the time she had cataract surgery, she lost the ability to remember entire paragraphs because it was such a strain to read the individual words. She could do crossword puzzles and balance her checkbook without an issue. She could hold a conversation with the doctor just fine. Anything she didn't understand, she just nodded her head.

Another instance, my Mom's dentist, who also happens to be my cousin, took me aside and told me that I needed to brush her teeth. He showed me her mouth and I was horrified at the condition of her gums. I then watched how she brushed her teeth. Basically, she didn't and her gums had receded enough to trap food in it. I took over and within 3 days, she noticed a big difference and was a happier person because she didn't smell (she didn't know that the foul odor that she was smelling came from her own mouth).

Until your Mom gets comfortable with what is happening with her brain and is willing to trust her life to others, anything with multiple people is uncomfortable since she, herself, is unsure of her behavior. I believe the belligerence and aggressiveness is a sign that she lacks self confidence.

As for you, if you brought her to your house for a visit and interacted with her daily, you would get a sense of what she is and is not capable of doing. If this is not reasonable, I suggest that you go see her for about 2 weeks on your own.

There is not much you can do about the racist comments. However, you can make her feel more comfortable in living and interacting with others. Don't try to correct her. I found it better to say "Hmmm, I don't remember it that way." The good news is that as my Mom became more comfortable with her loss of memory, the racist comments lessened.

Go with small groups. I found that no more than 10 is a nice round number. In my case, my Mom was attempting to keep track of all the conversations, and of course, she couldn't. You and I would just decide on one conversation and partake. However, in my Mom's case, her brain couldn't even think that was an alternative. Hence, she hated large gatherings. This was also compounded by the fact she wore hearing aids.

Last, counselling for you really helps because it will help you to deal with her different outbursts. She will remember some things and she will promptly forget others. It helps for you to just remember, this is not a reflection on you. BTW, you never know what they are going to remember and what they are not going to remember.

Good luck. This is a tough stage for both you and her. Also ensure she has all of her documents like title to the house, trusts, POA, etc. up-to-date. She may not have much longer before she is considered unable to make "sound" decisions.

Counseling has helped me deal with my expectations. My mom has no attention span, can not really converse with depth and is not the mom I knew. I am changing me.Good luck.

Please 'try' to shift your feelings of "... I feel horrible not inviting her to birthdays, holidays and especially Christmas now... ' as you are doing what is right and necessary for her good and the good of all concerned.

* When you start to feel this way, reframe your thoughts (to shift your feelings).
Affirm (affirmations) that you are doing what is in her best interest and therefore, supporting her well-being" and her changing brain / chemistry. She can't help it and you can support her through these changes. And, you are.

* These decisions are not easy although they must be made.

* Support yourself as best you can and ask others to support you too. We can't get enough support in these situations.

* It is not unusual for some people to make racist remarks. You can google this and find out more - how the brain works / changes for these outbursts / inappropriate social behaviors, including profanity.

* It sounds to me that you are including her way too much and need to be very discerning in how / when / with who she is around / social situations. Limit to caregivers / volunteers / socialization visits (family / volunteer). I would recommend you do not take her out in public places as clearly she cannot handle it.

Gena / Touch Matters

People with dementia have a lot of negative thoughts going on in their head. They know something is not right and are trying to figure it out, while also trying to hide what is happening. In the meantime, they become very defensive, angry, scared, and frustrated. Their world has changed and they have lost much of their control, so instead try to force everyone to see things their way. Until your mom feels “safe” with you she will continue in her behaviors. If you can approach your mom with an attitude of love and wanting to help, she will relax a little at a time. You might say, “Mom, I know you are feeling frustrated with all of us. We love you very much and want you to be happy.” This is the most difficult part because you are feeling just the opposite of what you’re saying. I know because I’ve done this. Unfortunately, I did not have any training and did not do a good job in many ways. But, I did do one thing right. My mom was a life-long worrier. With dementia she worried constantly about everything. One day I said, “Mom, I will take care of everything.” She asked if I would really do that and I simply replied yes. She immediately felt better. After she passed I found a sticky note on the end table in her bedroom. On it she had written, “Buffy will take care of everything.” I believe she read that everyday and was able to get through her remaining days relatively free of worry. I know its not that simple but I bet you can think of one simple phrase that you both can relate to and repeat regularly to your mom. The only reason I write this is to alleviate some of the guilt you might have after she is gone.

If you don't have POA, God help you. Trying to obtain that from her now is going to be very difficult. Even though I constantly talked to my mom about the need to make a will and health directives, it took me 5 years to get her to finally go to the attorney's office with me and make if official, and by then, it was also time to include POA.

Today, if I had not already gotten the POA and her health directive and will done, I would be S.O.L.! She gets harder to deal with by the day and is much, much worse than she was when we took care of the will and POA. No matter how demented someone gets, they usually feel that there is nothing wrong with them and that the problem is with everyone else. This is probably almost universal with dementia patients. Every day you, or she, puts off getting her will, health directive and POA done, the harder it will be to get it done and you might never get it done.

Bless those that work with a lot of dementia patients. I could not do it and when this ordeal with my mom is over, I don't ever want to be around anyone with dementia again as long as I live! That being said, I'll probably end up with it myself.

Sabrina52: As you state in your profile that your mother suffers from dementia, she should NEVER be in control of a motor vehicle in daylight OR nighttime hours. Disable the auto by any means possible.

The first thing you need to do is get her to the doctor (drag her if necessary) and get her behavior changes diagnosed. Start with your family physician, if only for a check to be sure there isn't something going on that is treatable and curable, and also for a referral to geriatric specialists and/or neurologists who deal with dementia.

Ask the family physician for referrals to groups/organizations/etc. that can help you deal with this problem. You need to learn how to cope with this without driving yourself to mental and physical exhaustion. You also will need people who can assist so you have some time off.

Her difficulty is due to an inability to comprehend all the changes and input around her with larger groups. She is having anxiety and manifests this in inappropriate behavior. Since she is having problems with short term memory and other Alzheimer/dementia type issues, an appointment to her doctor for evaluation and treatment is necessary. If need be, get referrals to a neurologist and a psychiatrist - preferable ones that are well-versed in caring for geriatric clients. One of them should be able to prescribe a mild anti-anxiety medication to help her relax in those larger group settings. It might also be time to take away the car keys. When she does become overwhelmed, provide a place that she can retreat to "for a bit of rest" with individuals "checking on her" (having one-on-one conversations) with her until her anxiety subsides.

Since there is no cure, we can only offer medication or isolation. I would make an appointment with the Geriatric Psychiatrist who can offer medications to help balance her................especially in social encounters. The alternative is that you throw away traditions and just take her one day at a time. You can move her close to you so that you don't need to travel and then you can spend time with her before and after holidays...................there are too many memories and emotions around holidays. Let it go.

I am so regretful that the truth of the matter is that YOU must bear the brunt of your Mom's anger, frustration, and outbursts. That 'might' change a bit for the better as her cognitive skills further decline (which they will) but there's a chance that she could become "more abusive", too. I won't repeat what others in posts before this have so succinctly stated. As you as daughter are her 'safe target for rancor', then I surmise that you personally might NOT be the best to convince her to assign (and sign!) a Power of Attorney both for medical decisions and for handling her finances. Try to think hard on 'who' is the person (other sibling, doctor, Minister) who can cajole your mother into giving POA to another family member or trusted professional. THIS you must tackle first, above all else. Things are most likely going to get worse with your mother, perhaps even more uncooperative and more abusive, so please at once decide with whom she might most likely agree, and get those POAs in place. Next, she has to be gotten off the road. Besides the moral guilt you will feel if she kills someone else with her night driving, the family of the people in the other car that are killed or impaired: will sue you. My elderly uncle hit a family of 4 when he crossed over the dividing line while driving at night (which he promised he would not do). All four in the car opposite him were killed, and he himself also was killed. The family of those he killed sued my uncle's substantial Estate (as well they should have) and completed drained his estate of resources. In court, uncle's grown children were asked, "Did you know that your father was not capable of driving safely at night and in dangerous conditions"? And of course, the honest answer was "Yes, we knew". As this happened over 2 decades ago, in today's times, the grown children would probably also face "civil suits against themselves personally", beside the financial award to the family from my uncle's Estate. I hope I have gotten your attention with this nightmare. Take the keys, take the distributor cap off the car, have a mechanic tell you how best to disable the car. Your mother might scream and rant, might call the police to report you damaging her property, etc., but steel yourself against the rage that is coming, as your mother must not drive. Finally, begin in earnest to seek out AL or MC, as without her car, your mother is going to need a place to live that's safe for her and protects the rest of the world from being killed by her late night, curvy mountain driving. Sell her home and property to pay for her new residence (but that's assuming that the POA has been obtained and is 'in place') My heart goes out to you, as there's a long road ahead, but immediately take measures to disable her driving, as you will be doing yourself and the world such a great kindness and safety measure.

It would terrify me knowing that my mom was driving on a dark, mountainous road.

You certainly have your hands full. I don’t think she should be living at home anymore. Would she be willing to go tour facilities with you?

She could make friends and join in the activities at the assisted living or a memory care if that is necessary.

Best wishes to you.

With dementia she should NOT be driving particularly on mountain roads. No...no particularly about it she should not be diving period end of sentence!
Keep gatherings small.
A lot of people confuse things. It is difficult enough to keep track of 1 conversation let alone more and more people just add to the confusion.
You are the "bad guy" because you are a "safe person" for her. She knows that you will be there for her if she needs help. She knows that she can count on you. I know it is odd to be a "safe person" yet be the "bad guy" but it is like when you were a kid and did not get your way and you told mom.."you never let me do anything...I hate you!" You did not mean that...but you said it...and she still loved you.
At this point you need to get all paperwork in order so that you can make decision when the time comes.
You need to realize that she may not be safe alone and will need 24/7 supervision.
You may have to make decisions sooner rather than later about her safety.
And you can not let her dictate decisions about her safety and well being.

And now I’m reading further down into the comments, which I did for myself as well, I am so sorry that you have had the verbal and physical abuse! I have no idea what that is like to live with especially when you are the sole caretaker! I am the sole caretaker, but I have a very gentle and easy-going father. That’s not to say it’s not frustrating because he is at a point in his life where he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing or even consider it.
You mentioned, you weren’t sure how to find caretakers. I live in an area where we have a neighborhood Facebook page and I did a search on that page for caretakers and then I also posted that I was looking for a caretaker. As cruel as it sounds like she can be, there are people out there with experience with people such as your mother, and as long as they know ahead of time how she is, they are much better equipped to handle the situation than those of us who are related to them and have history with them. So anyway, that is how I found my caretakers. I wish you all the luck and love to get through this! It’s so hard!

Before reading any of the other comments, I wanted to reply, even though this may be repetitive to the other comments. I have definitely seen my father’s decline socially in groups as he is just not able to stay on topic and will insert a comment that has nothing to do with what people are talking about. He’s not abusive, but it brings the conversation to a halt and people just look at him like “what the hell is he talking about”? He is not interested or not able to be interested in what other people are talking about. He doesn’t ask them questions about them at all. My father lives in a Senior independent living facility but he is only able to do that because the VA is assisting us with caretakers (really, companions, and I know not everyone can afford that), but his companions  have become his best friends. Focusing on him, and listening to his repetitive stories is actually their job. Fortunately, I have found three very lovely ladies on my own, who have really bonded with him and him with them. He is so different when he’s around them versus me! He cuts up and makes jokes and overall is so much happier when he has them around than just me. I would like to think that I am as patient as a daughter can be in a situation like this. My father has lost a lot of his cognitive ability and most of his executive function. I no longer push him or invite him to be part of large groups. In larger groups he is awkward and mostly unsuccessful at participating. Even though he doesn’t get angry, at least that I can tell, he completely withdraws if the conversation is too active or not focused on him. He just cannot keep up. We don’t call his caretakers/companions “caretakers”. We call them “housekeepers” because he still has a bit of pride. But I will tell you that having someone (else) one-on-one to give her that focused attention, if you can find someone and afford it, may really be helpful!

Dementia is a disease that requires memory care. Sorry this is your mother's situation.

So sorry too that her driving must stop now for her safety and others on the road. Disable her car immediately and quietly report her condition to the DMV as an unsafe driver.

Hello, I took my mom into my home 3 yrs ago upon her request after her breast cancer diagnosis. About a year after the move, she started to become very angry over political/religious issues and would have terrible yelling/screaming outburst. Over time it has become unbearable, an every day occurrence that has gotten worse to the point of her being hateful most of the time towards me bringing up things from the past, ridiculing me, etc.
I feel your pain....I to am at the point of wanting no contact with my mother. I only speak to her when it's necessary.
My advice for you would be to distance yourself as much as possible, if she does want to start some thing - walk away. Definately tak

Excellent answers here - I will add just one piece of advice: do NOT tolerate any abuse of any kind. Let her know you will leave whenever she targets you!

Has she been tested for a stroke or aneurysm? She sounds just like a lady I used to take care of years ago, especially with the inappropriate language (in your mom's case, racism)! She sounds as if she might be overwhelmed with too many people around! If there's nothing wrong with her, I would not put up with her behavior! Has she always been this way?

Your mother is likely suffering from dementia, as her behavior is indicating. She should NOT be driving, meaning, you need to incapacitate her car stat. Take the spark plugs out, the battery, hide the keys, whatever, just so long as she cannot drive it. Otherwise, chances are good she'll kill herself or OTHERS while driving on dark mountain roads late at night!

When an elder has dementia, they lose their filters and appear racist. Correcting them doesn't get you anywhere, really, because their brains aren't working properly anymore. She's paranoid and you're the bad guy, which is typical dementia behavior; the one who does the MOST for the elder is the 'bad guy' most often. Naturally we're not 'doing anything' to warrant the angst, it's just the nature of the beast known as dementia. My mother was SO angry & said some of THE ugliest things to me, it was horrible.

The best thing you can do, aside from getting mom to her PCP for testing, is to educate yourself about dementia so you'll be aware of what's going on. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

If she's living alone, now is a good time to figure out how to get her in-home caregivers or placed in Assisted Living/Memory Care AL. It's just too dangerous for her to be living alone as any number of things can go wrong now, unfortunately.

Best of luck.

Please do what you can to help the grandchildren understand that this grandmother is very different from the grandmother that was theirs when they were children.

Sounds like you’re approaching the point where you’ll need to take away the car.

Physically, has she been tested for UTIs and cognitive status?

Hi,
Your mom likely has limited short term memory at this point, if any. While externally she may be able to carry on a conversation, internally she has lost the ability to timestamp and retain conversations or events--that's why there's a continual loop of neediness-she can't recall what's recently transpired.
She should see her provider, with the provider receiving a heads up about the behavioral changes. Your concerns regarding the driving should be included. You may have to tell white lies or fiblets to get your mom to see the doctor-sometimes telling them it's needed as part of a medicare wellness check helps.
At this point she should not be driving, and she should have additional care to ensure that she's safe, however that looks like. There are also some helpful forums over here: https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151

This may help you:
https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5QMeQpkPhA

You've already learned a lot about how mom is now. What you know is that she can no longer operate as the person she once was. That person is gone.

How do you accept this? Well, if she has inability to socialize even with her family, don't expect her to socialize. Leave her out. It seems cruel from your perspective, but it's actually kinder than what you're doing now. Don't participate in planning the outings she's going to cancel. Don't encourage them. Don't invite her to be with you and husband at gatherings. That doesn't make her happy and it puts you in a bad position. You feel bad about yourself afterward, and that's not good for anyone.

What's clear is that she is telling you by her behavior what she can handle and what she can't. What she says is irrelevant now. What she DOES is who she is, and that's what informs YOU.

About her driving: Your mother is my worst nightmare, a demented elderly person who shouldn't be driving and has the capability to kill me and my loved ones as we come around the curve of that dark road. Her driving needs to stop immediately.

I hope you are looking at memory care homes. She'd be safer there and so would everyone else.

Good luck with this difficult problem!

Your Mom should not be on her own. Everything you describe is someone suffering from a form of Dementia. And yes, as the daughter you get the brunt of her anger. She has short-term memory loss, she can't be reasoned with, she has lost her filter, she is self-centered and lacks empathy. And this will get worse as time goes on. If she has family where she is, she needs to see a Neurologist to determine that she has a Dementia and to declare her incompetent to make informed decisions. I hope she has assigned someone as POA for financial and medical it helps in getting her the help she needs. No one should consider taking her into their home. Eventually her care will be too much for any one person. It would be better, if she can afford it, to go to an AL or more so a MC facility. The earlier in their Dementia they are placed the easier it is for them in the longrun. They will except the MC as home.

Do not wait because Dementia is unpredictable. You never know what they will do. There is no rhyme or reason to it. She also should not be driving.