I still have to work part time as a private music instructor and I have to take him with me. He has a catheter and he will not let anyone else drain the leg bag. His brother comes once a week to help, but even he has to bring my husband to the place where I teach.
If so is it possible that his brother can drain the leg bag while he is napping?
Would it be possible for his brother to try to convince him that it needs to be done right away and you could not be disturbed and "just this one time" would he let his brother drain the bag? Do this "just one time" a few times and your husband may be come comfortable with it.
But you are right. There are strains and each person has their own. I was lucky in that when my Husband was diagnosed I had retired from working full time and had a part time job. Shortly after the diagnosis the business closed down so I was able to be home when I was needed.
But I have to admit that my Husband was VERY easy to care for he was easy going, I never had a problem with him being non compliant with what I needed to do. And he was never agitated to the point where it was a danger for either of us.
I learned that since he could not adapt to the changes that were happening I had to learn how to adapt. That mental flip of the switch makes all the difference.
HOWEVER, it was always clear to me that I could NEVER attempt to do in home care for an elder, and I had the very best two parents in the entire world. I simply could not have done it. The 24/7 of it. I could NOT have done it and I knew that limitation all my life, would not have tried. Luckily I did not need to come to be "called" to do it, but I would have had to decline.
When my brother became ill with early Lewy's he asked me to take over his bills, his finances, basically everything as POA and Trustee of his Trust. I did it. But I would never do that again. I was anxious as the proverbial cat on the hot tin roof for a year it took me to set everything up. Often on the phone for entire days. Trying to set everything up when not even in the same city was a crucible. I was already in late 70s and knew almost nothing about doing such a thing. The learning curve was steep and I still have the shelf of books to prove it. I am thrilled I did it. I am happy to have learned what I did learn. It may have even been "good for me", but wow, the anxiety had my blood pressure on a roller coaster.
So to answer you, I don't know how. My partner is 82. I am 80. I know that neither of us could care for the other. We both know it. And accept it. With sadness, but accept it.
You may have hard decisions in the future. But the things I know is that those decisions, if hard, will not mean you love him less.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.