My father is 75 and has been suffering with Parkinson's Disease for at least 10 years now. He's a very kind and loving person. He worked most of his life working 2 jobs to provide the best for my mother and us kids.
My mother is healthy and loves to shop and spend money. She leaves my father alone by himself all the time. He falls all the time and broke his hip a couple years ago when she was gone all day. All of us kids want to help and be there for him. She won't let us in their home. She will only let us take him a day or 2 a month. And we can only keep him for a few hours, because he freezes up or loses his balance and can't walk. She wanted to kick him out of their house last year because she couldn't stand him anymore. I said I would take care of him, but, I need to be in charge of his health. I do not want any money. I just want to be sure he gets the best care. She blew up and threw me out of the house. She has become so unpredictable, controlling and paranoid. Over the years, she's verbally attacked my father horribly. She's yelled, You have dementia!! You have demnetia!! Even your brother's and kids do not want you!!! Dad was completely frozen from the Parkinson's when she did this. My 8 year old son heard and saw her do this to Dad, too. She has spoken like this to him on a dailey basis for years. Dad has told me he wants to leave there. But, when she gets in his face and yells at him and asks if he wants to go to the county nursing home, he will quietly say, No. She threatens all the time to put him in the county nursing home. My dad has worked hard and has the money to get at home help from nurses. HE is afraid of her. Everyone is afraid of her. She's always been a mean person. it's just gotten worse the older she gets. We want to help our Dad. But, everyone is so afraid of mother.
I hope someone can help!
Thanks!
I would advise your family to call the Elder Hotline in your state. They will be able to advise your Mom about how she can get the care your father needs.
Just last Sunday, Father's Day, my son and myself, caught my mother and her 89 year old mother, going into McDonald's for breakfast at 8:30 AM in the morning. It takes a couple hours or more for my father to unfreeze from the night before of rest. He's usually walking a little by 10:00 AM each morning. So, I know he was left there by himself that morning. Then I picked him up at 11:00 AM and asked him if he went to McDonald's in the morning? And he said, No your mother did. Ever since then my heart has been breaking. I told my sister's and everyone is afraid of what mother will do if we say anything. They think even the elderly abuse investigator didn't do or care to do anything, no one will listen or take the time to help. We do not know what else to do. Is there any other agencies that will investigate and take my father's quality of life seriously?
What state do you live in?
Also, does any of the family members take him on doctors appointments? If so, I would definitely report this to the doctor.
The other thing I could suggest is that you speak with his doctor about ordering Home Health Care. This way a R.N. could be coming into the home and may see some things that need to be reported. The doctor would need a reason to order the home health care.
I used to take my Dad to all his appointments for the first 4 years of his Parkinson's. When they tested him for dementia and they said he had the onset of it, they wanted him to get everything in order in appointing someone for his health, will and whatever else they needed done. My dad told me and my mother he wanted me for his health. Dad said Mom couldn't even take care of their dog when it was sick. Well, after he had that discussion with her, she wasn't very happy. I wasn't allowed to see my father for 2 years after that. This what she does. We won't be allowed to visit or see him. She didn't even call us when he had his stroke and was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
The laws here in Illinois with HEPA, I wouldn't be able to speak to his doctor, for privacy reasons. This is why everything is so messed up and difficult. If I am not on my Dad's health form, I do not think I can ask or order anything for him. Only my mother has all the rights to do and talk to medical officials about my Dad.
I am going to call again. I didn't know you could ask for a different social worker.
I would at least call them and speak to the nurse, once you have explained the situation to them, especially the abuse and neglect, they are obligated by law to report this.
If you are really serious about getting your father help, you are going to have to be the strong one and push these agencies to do their job.
The case worker last year told my mother I was the one who called the abuse in. So, she was going around telling everyone that the laugh was on me. They were going to arrest me for filing a false report. Now everyone's afraid to call for help for my Dad.
if your dad is still competant and agrees with your assessment that he is in a bad space, then have him sign a new durable power of attorney for healthcare. The reality is that if you want to help your dad, you will have to deal with the unpleasantness of your mom. But you should go and sit down with a counselor and ask for advice because it will be messy, unpleasant, cause a rift in the family and once you stat the process - you have to ask...where will my dad live?
I am not suggesting that you do nothing - but the reality is that you will have alot on your hands, and there are many unintended consequences....find a counselor at your local senior center who is connected and experienced in the system - sit down with her and ask her advice. Any other family members should be included - they will have to help too.
This is not an easy situation no matter what you do - I hope that you are able to stay strong and take care of yourself while you go to bat for your father.
one, get power of attorney. Your mom does not have to be there. Dad can say yes if you can get him alone.
two, get an elder lawyer. You dad has rights and she can't throw you out of the house is he wants help.
three, she needs to be evaluated. Sounds as if mom has a problem that may be medical and treatable with meds.
Jackie is right, a report of abuse can not go without being investigated !!
Linda
I did call and this is what's been going on. I was told that the case worker for my Dad would call me back. They said to call them if I didn't hear from him in 24 hours. I did NOT hear from this case worker in 24 hours the lady talked about. I called them back and left messages on July 3rd and July 6th, 2009.
A lady who I never heard of before, who is NOT the case worker, called me today, July 7th, and said that the case worker can NOT talk the family unless my MOTHER signs a release form for the them to talk about our father. He is supposed to be with their Elder Abuse department.
This is a nightmare. Why does is the perpatrater (my mother)being protected?
Linda
You get him a few hours a month? Take him to a elder lawyer and set the divorce and his care in motion. Now I am reading a year later that he is still with her?
Why did he have to live his last year like this in terror of her?
Well - after saying that I can say my dad is in the same position only it is a nursing home. He hates it there. They are not so bad but he would rather be dead and none of us kids were willing to take him into our house because we were afraid and we didn't know what we'd do when
he got so bad he could not use the restroom. And how do you later "kick them out" once they are living with you.
Plus my dad has NO money to pay for care so the VA nursing home was a good option other than he doesn't want to be there.
Now a year later I wish I had taken him in because now he is too ill for any of us to care for except professionals. And it is hard to determine if it is due to natural decline or if depression and weird medication changes are what has done it.
Life sucks it seems to me.