My grandpa and I are estranged. For the last 5 years, we've spoken maybe a total of 10 words to each other. For the last 4 months, I've only said "hi" once. And he drives me nuts.
As a kid, I looked up to him, but he hardly ever tried to connect with me as a grandchild. He actively favors talking to my uncle (who kicked his own father out of his apartment, leaving my grandfather homeless) and my father while he ignores my mother and aunt who have done nothing but give their all to take care of him. They bathe him for God's sake, given him their finest meals. He's ruined a family business and has no money skills whatsoever, yet declared he makes the decisions as the man of the household. Those same decisions are what cost my family their original home and destroyed my grandmother's business, which he hated because it was blue-collar work. Yet he's hardly made a dime because he was too stubborn to demand his clients to give him his due money for the work he did, instead letting himself and his family get financially steamrolled. He hasn't had a single rational plan for his family's future because he's prioritized his non-existent pride. He has no social etiquette whatsoever and in his old age has lost any of it to cognitive decline.
His *delightful* personality is gone now. Instead, he's quietly letting himself decline.
And I'm not trying to be an a**hole about that. He allowed himself to sink into such a depression that he's avoided taking care of himself where it's now habits that we have to deal with. Never changes his clothes, never showers, makes active choices to keep his surroundings dirty.
Problem is, his surroundings are *my* surroundings since he's living with us! We don't have enough room or money, and he has to sleep on our living room couch. And with his cognitive decline, it's just getting worse.
He does not wash his hands. He puts used utensils back into the cutlery drawer. He does not eat on a plate or in a bowl, opting to eat over the floor with a napkin, resulting in crumbs that ants have now happily discovered and taken over despite sweeping. He picks at his feet and will then go to the kitchen to get food. He throws out way too much food. He yawns *so unbelievably loudly* in the middle of the morning, day, night, and I can't sleep. He has taken food from my family's "sides" of the table. He is destroying the microwave by using it every time he gets up (about every 45 minutes), where I will hear food and drink bubbling or popping and causing a mess. He will heat things already hot. He will microwave plastic dishes. He will sometimes attempt to wash his plate by running it under light water and then putting it back in a stack, only to get every other thing dirty because of the remaining stains. He will turn off the lights in a room while we're still in them. He will not get himself dressed, and that's not me being bratty, because he is physically capable of doing it himself but expects my mother and aunt to clothe him. And despite working in a field that achieves high finances, he would be homeless if it weren't for us housing him.
He has never made a single good decision on his own for himself or his family. And now I have to take care of him alongside my family who work full time, with me being at home during the day as I'm trying to take care of my college education and search for a job of my own. I'm 19 years old.
I want to be clear. I don't hate him. I just want absolutely nothing to do with him. I don't want to bond with him. I want nothing to do with a man that's never put in the effort to know me while hurting the ones I love most. He can reflect on that all he wants. He will not garner my sympathy.
I just need some support and I need to know I'm not alone in this feeling of just. Hating *everything* about this process. I just want to feel validated about my anger and exhaustion. How do I even go on with helping care for a man I don't like? I can't abandon my family. They need my extra hands.
So you're the daytime caregiving slave?
If your mother and your aunt choose to be his slaves at other times, that's on them. But you need to make arrangements to get out of that unhealthy living environment. Do you have a friend you can stay with? What kind of job are you looking for? Put your priorities there -- get a job and move out. Your grandfather's caregiving needs are NOT yours to solve!
Right now, I want a job for the sake of experience and to help my family financially (and to just, get started on living my own life), but with my grandpa at home, I don't know if I can leave him on his own for more than a few hours. Even though he sleeps most of the day and night, he just... Does things that need surveillance. And right now I'm the only one available while we can't afford a nurse.
In your case, YOU DON'T. I'm not even going to ask you the standard "caregiver" questions, because, quite frankly, THEY SHOULDN'T INVOLVE YOU! For Heaven's sake, you're 19! Your family is taking the coward's way out, appointing you the "adult" in the house - responsible for medication, meals, discipline, etc. when the ONLY thing you should be focusing on right at this moment in time is YOUR FUTURE!
Listen, there are people in this world who are your age who have had caregiving thrust upon them through no fault of anyone - parents who have cancer or some other terminal disease or something of that ilk. But there is absolutely no excuse when there are multiple able-bodied adults in the home that the minutiae of grandpa's care falls onto your shoulders! The only thing they should ever ask of you at this point is if you can "watch" gramps while they run a quick errand! And by "watching" they mean make sure gramps doesn't set the house on fire. I say shame on your parents for not only allowing you to go through this, but actively engaging in it!
My advice to you is this: when fall comes, enroll full time in college and get campus housing! If you are afraid you can't afford that, look into being an RA - you already have experience in crisis management and mediation. Make an appointment with an admissions advisor and tell him/her everything - hell, I would even show them this post you wrote - and see what they can offer you. If you've maintained a decent GPA throughout all of this, I think you'll find they'll be very willing to work with you to get you what you need.
This is not going to be an easy thing for you, to walk away from this entire mess your family has created, I understand that. But this mess is not of your making, and it is so not your responsibility to try and "fix" what is clearly, under these circumstances, unfixable. The only way the "adults" in your life are going to feel compelled to make any changes is when their collective backs are against the wall.
I wish you all the best!
Why? You have no validation from your family, only obligation. Why would the validation of strangers be of any use to you? Please don't mistake sympathy for validation.
The choices now are all your own for your own life. You have, yes, been raised and trained in a mess to STAY in that mess and continue the legacies of ruination and problems. You can't change others, but it is perfect timing for changing YOU.
I suggest you get a job, get a counselor, and work on ways to move on to a life that doesn't continue this legacy; that will likely take a whole lot of courage and work. Staying in habitual ways of doing things is the easier choice because it represents the "known".
Sorry, Emerald Bay. This is your choice for your life. All that we here can do is let you know that, and wish you luck in healthy decisions.
Every day people choose to stay in these situations. They get whining rights out of that, but very little else. To me, we have one life; best to make it the best life we can. I sure do wish you the very best of luck going forward.
Sorry to go so "tough love" on you, but I find sympathy doesn't work for people stuck in the mud. The wheels just keep spinning with sympathy and the tires keep sinking in deeper.
The truth is that they do NOT need your extra hands. There are other options besides caring for your GF at home. Their refusal to use those other options does not mean those options are illegitimate or unavailable. Your family is actively choosing to refuse to use them. That DOES NOT MEAN that you are obligated to facilitate their poor choices for them.
A nursing home IS a valid option. Nursing homes exist for the purpose of providing care to people who need more care than their families want to or can reasonably provide. Families can, if they choose, still participate in the care of a person who lives in a nursing home, advocating for that person, visiting, etc.
People who move to nursing homes do not just disappear off the face of the earth. They are right there for their families to help, as much or as little as the families want to/are able to.
Now, will your grandfather make an enormous fuss and outcry if the family decides to move him into a nursing home? Of course he will! That is how he has gotten away with abusing all of his kids, grandkids, and other relatives for all these years.
But here is the truth: HE NEEDS HIS FAMILY MORE THAN THEY NEED HIM. The care your family gives him is a GIFT. It is NOT an obligation. They can stop at any time they want. If all of you (God forbid) were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, your grandfather would become a ward of the state and would still get care--IN A NURSING HOME--for the rest of his life.
So the "a nursing home is out of the question" thing is FALSE. Your family is making a CHOICE not to use that perfectly reasonable option.
You do not have to make the choice to continue that farce by enslaving yourself. Get out and save yourself.
AND DO NOT TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT YOU ARE PLANNING TO DO. In their dysfunction they will almost certainly do everything in their power to stop you, including threatening you, telling you you are a bad person/ungrateful/a slacker/disrespectful/evil/whatever. FALSE. They may tell you there is no way you can succeed. FALSE. They might even threaten to disown you. Who cares? You are certainly already as miserable as you can possibly be. You don't need their approval or their resources to have an excellent life of your own.
You are currently "trapped," but the trap has a door, and only you can open it and get out and away.
- how old is your grandfather?
- who else is living in the home with you?
- who owns the home?
- is anyone the PoA for your grandfather?
- has you grandfather had an actual medical test for his cognitive/memory problems?
- Does he have a diagnosis? Does he have any other medical issues, like diabetes, high blood pressure, diagnosed w/depression, incontinence, etc?
- is he on any prescription medications? If so, does he in charge of giving them to himself?
- are you financially supporting your family, or is your support solely in the form of caregiving your grandfather and other tasks?
Every caregiving scenario is like a snowflake: each has its own unique circumstances that will require different suggestions. The "logical" response well be that you move out, but if you're providing financial support, this is a stickier situation and can (and should) happen, but in increments or not before a replacement support is figured out. Thank you for the extra info, it will be very helpful.
- My grandfather is 86 years old but should be in better health considering his lifestyle of traveling from his younger years.
- I live with my mother, father, aunt (maternal), and grandfather (maternal).
- My other aunt (maternal) owns the home we live in. We have been hoping to buy it from her since my parents have paid rent for 20+ years, but she recently told us in a letter that she sees us "only as renters," and implied that she wants us out in 5 years. It's been stressful for my parents, especially as my late grandmother (who it was bought for originally) wanted the property to be a sanctuary for the family.
- I don't think anyone serves as PoA for my grandfather, as far as I know. He's a sensitive topic in my family. They don't like it when I try to bring things up about him that are "critical" yet important.
- We haven't been able to get to a neurologist, so there's no mental diagnosis for him. My parents are stressed about the cost, but I've been begging them to at least find out about an estimate, which they haven't even thought of trying despite my suggestion.
- My grandfather has incontinence, prostate cancer (caught too late), high blood pressure, and a UTI if I remember everything right. He's had a history of strokes before.
- He's on prescription medications, about 6-7 different ones each day. I'm in charge of filling them up. It's a lot to remember, but we have a little journal to keep track of when he's been given meds (and which ones) and when the refills happen. Aspirin, omeprazole, tamsulosin, and amlodipine, are the ones I know off the top of my head. There are 2 others, and he was on antibiotics for a week because of the UTI, while we stayed off of the antacids so it wouldn't reduce the effects.
- My father is the breadwinner of the house, and my mother also works to financially support the bills. My aunt is also full-time, but she doesn't pay anything for housing, much to the dismay of my father. It's caused a lot of family tension. My mother wants her to save the money so she can afford a downpayment on a house one day. My father doesn't listen to that.
- I do cleaning and cooking in the house, as well as general maintenance. I've been making dinners for my parents when they arrive home late at night (about 9-10 PM). I don't know many dinners, but I try to keep myself culinarily diverse and make an effort to write and shop for the things I need to make food for everyone. I of course feed my grandfather too, and try to keep things in mind for eating habits:
1) Don't serve too much or he'll throw it away.
2) Don't give him hard to bite foods, he doesn't have any dental hygiene and has lost teeth because he doesn't take care of his oral health.
3) Don't serve him "interesting" foods, or he'll also throw it away. I've seen pineapple and certain cheeses thrown down the sink.
4) Serve it as hot and fresh as you can, otherwise, he'll microwave it to hell and back. This is stressful when I'm trying to get things done in a timely manner and he's asleep long enough for the food to get cold and inevitably microwaved. There's a 5-minute window before he's back asleep.
5) Do not give him too much sodium, glucose, caffeine, or dairy, which my aunt and mother spoil him on constantly. I've warned them to not give him so many chips, cookies, or coffee (we do decaf), but they insist it will be fine. It's not. He's developed a butter addiction. He tried to hide two sticks of butter when we came back with groceries once, and we can't leave pastries in his line of sight for long or he'll finish the entire thing. What's worse is he's not hungry. He does no exercise and sleeps all day and night. He doesn't have the need for so much energy consumption. A trip to the bakery for the family and we end up with maybe 1 1/2 pastries left... We've been hiding foods forever now. It's exhausting and there's no room for it all.
This mess is not YOUR mess... it's unfair of your family to put this burden on you! You need to focus on YOUR future. IMO, they are using you as their slave just because they don't want to grow a back bone and place gramps in a facility. Next time gramps gets sick and goes to the hospital, best thing for your family to do is to tell his social worker that they refuse to take him home because they no longer can care for him. That forces the hospital to find a facility for him. If they refuse, you're going to have to get out to save yourself because your parents certainly don't have your best interest at heart! So.. find a job, and step by step rescue yourself from that unfair situation. Your family will be mad more than likely but oh well. Perhaps then they will be forced into making the decision that should have been made months or years ago. Your parents are in denial about a lot of things and they'd rather depend on you to fill in rather than open their eyes and educate themselves and to stop coddling this disasterous father of theirs. Stay strong and grow a strong spine and stand up for yourself. Otherwise you'll be deeper down the rabbit hole than you are now. Please keep us informed and always feel you can come to us. We care about you!
What I see is the Cinderella syndrome, in that some people work, slave away, and one person apparently does nothing except complicate life.
Your mother may have been inculcated in this type of relationship as she grew up, so it's probably difficult now to see that she's been used. And she may not have the courage or self confidence to break away.
I think you need to take a stand and start living your own life. You may never be able to change the family tolerance for this abuse, but you can address your own situation. And perhaps once you take a stand and become independent, it may help you parents make stronger decisions for their own welfare.
If you can't afford college (and who can w/o a well paying job), consider community college. There's no reason why you need to go to college if you don't have the funds. You'll learn a lot, ease into a different type of relationship with others and in a social situation in community college. Developing self confidence seems to be important as you're not able to focus on that in your current situation.
You absolutely need to get a start in an area in which GF doesn't dominate. When I was in college decades ago, there was a placement office that helped students get jobs. Start there. Just getting a paycheck, and developing responsibility as well as working with people outside your family can help build your own self esteem.
Don't be above taking a low-paying job, just to get started interacting with people outside of your immediate family. Social interaction is mandatory for success, and it doesn't seem as if your family is providing that.
You wrote: "She's been making excuses for *years* about not leaving her job despite *hating it* with everything in her, and now she's adding another year, if not more? Nothing here feels fair."
This says a lot. Your mother and even your father seem to be subordinated to the mandates of aunt and GF. That NEEDS to change. If your parents have been renters for years, they may not have a strong enough credit report to buy, but they can rent. Check with a county office that provide assistance to see what's available.
Personally, I think it's time that you, your mother and father find another place to live and leave aunt and GF on their own. You're not obligated to be responsible for them, especially give what I'd consider not just a rude but an abusive situation.
Do it now, today. Go to the community college and ask about employment assistance while working, and when you get these issues resolved, announce to aunt and GF that you're not Cinderella any more. Changes aren't going to happen overnight, but at least you'd be working toward them.
And remember: your mother's situation should be a reminder of what could be in store for you if changes aren't made. In 5, 10, or more years, is this how you want to live your life?
"I just need some support and I need to know I'm not alone in this feeling of just. Hating *everything* about this process. I just want to feel validated about my anger and exhaustion. How do I even go on with helping care for a man I don't like? I can't abandon my family. They need my extra hands."
Perhaps you could benefit from thinking through this whole situation again, benefitting as well from the response you've gotten to your queries. Do you really want to spend more years in "anger and exhaustion"?
I don't mean to be cruel, or critical, but seeking validation for an intolerable situation isn't going to be a healthy attitude going forward.
If you haven't already been applying to colleges (which it sounds like you have not been encouraged to do or assisted to do by your family), that's okay. Community colleges are a WONDERFUL option. Admittance to community college is WAY easier than admittance to a 4-year college. You basically have to have your high school transcript (get that from your high school office), your driver license, and your required vaccinations. The vaccination required by the colleges in my state (Texas) is the meningitis vaccine. Vaccinations can happen now, if you are behind on any required ones. I was in line in the Admissions Office and the person ahead of me didn't have his meningitis vaccine, so he left, went to the closest pharmacy, got the shot, and then came back and finished his Admissions paperwork. It took him less than an hour to get that requirement met.
By going away (even a little way away--within your own county) to school, you can get:
1. Housing in a dorm or a student apartment.
2. A job (RA = Resident Assistant. This is a GREAT job to have on campus because you get free/reduced cost housing in a dorm, you get training for the job, you get to meet and interact with LOTS of people and make friends quickly on campus, and you get excellent job experience for the resume you will be building toward your future employment opportunities.) There are LOTS of other campus jobs, too, any of which will give you work experience and income. (My son got a job as a fire extinguisher inspector on his campus. Yes, you read that right. His job was to go and inspect every single fire extinguisher in the buildings assigned to him to make sure they were where they were supposed to be and that they were not expired/requiring service.) Ask your admissions counselor and/or financial aid office for all the information about getting a campus job.
3. An education. Even if you aren't sure what you want to do as a future career, a community college is a VERY reasonably-priced way to take all of your basic "core" courses that will apply to whatever degree you eventually decide you want to pursue. Or you can get an Associates Degree (usually in 2 years, at the community college) that will help you get a good job as an excellent stepping stone to your future. Or you can learn a trade. Lots of community colleges include excellent trade schools. Start googling. And then pick up the phone and take a deep breath and start calling and making appointments with admissions advisors. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO STUDY IN ORDER TO GET STARTED AT COLLEGE--ESPECIALLY AT A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
4. Counseling. Counseling is available to all students of a college or community college for FREE. You won't have to pay an extra penny to access a counselor to begin working through the mess your family has put you in.
NOW is the time to develop your own voice and begin asking EVERYONE (NOT YOUR FAMILY) who is in a position to help you for the help you need. TALK TO THE PEOPLE EMPLOYED AT THE COLLEGE TO HELP YOU. THEIR JOB IS TO PROVIDE INFORMATION AND GUIDANCE. You probably have very low expectations for help from adults because of how you have been raised. But hear this: The people who work in the Admissions Office and the Financial Aid Office, along with all the professors, teachers, counselors, medical personnel, etc., etc., etc. at a college work for YOU. Take a deep breath and ask for what you need help with. And keep on asking until you find the right person and get it. This is HARD when you have been raised to "have no needs" and to be "obligated" to just suck it up and not ask for anything. But asking is your RIGHT and it, along with hard work, which you have already proven you can do, is THE WAY OUT of your current situation. YOU CAN DO THIS.
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