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My widowed, 94-year-old dad is in Memory Care & driving me crazy! He doesn't have Alzheimer's & is fairly high functioning mentally compared to the other residents, but short-term memory is poor. He asks me periodically how old he is, and how I'm related to him. Anyway, I visit twice a week & he repeats how he isn't doing well, his eyes are bad (he has progressive macular degeneration for many years & can still see some), he's constipated, he's all by himself, I'm the only one he has, if it wasn't for me he doesn't know what he would do, etc, etc. He is on an antidepressant and an antianxiety med but they don't seem to be doing any good. He's always been a "half-empty" kind of guy but this is intolerable! I start to feel sorry for him & want to do something to help, but rationally I know his problems are not fixable. It's getting so I don't want to visit & I know that won't work. He would just get the staff to call me on his phone & he repeats the same things, plus, "I just need to hear your voice". I try to redirect him to no avail. The staff have told me he does well (whatever that means) & he is no trouble. I really don't want to visit for a while, but he would just call and ask when I'm coming over. He is unassertive, so won't ask the staff for help or to chat. Won't even ask for a glass of water! And the Covid restrictions haven't helped.


I repeatedly see on this forum how some caregivers' relatives are ungrateful & obstinate. My problem seems to be the opposite. Anyone else dealt with this? I haven't seen anything like this on this forum.

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My friend just sent her grandma 3 dozens cupcakes baked in the same town. The bakery delivered the treats to the facility for the residents and caretakers. Perhaps, yo can ask do that, for a snack time, and play some of dad's favorite music, and of cours 6 feet away...
Ask the faclility when their turn is for the vaccine...I think you may have to sign some release forms for it..
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You are dealing with age and memory and physical deterioration and it is only going to get worse. I am sure you love your father but you must realize your first obligation is to YOU. You are living your life now and your father already lived his. When you see or speak with him, be kind and loving but do not make yourself constantly available because it is upsetting you and harming you - and nothing is going to fix it. He won't remember how often you came or when - he will just do the same things over and over. If it bothers you, and it is normal that it would, you simply have to keep more distance and make the contacts short. YOU must think of YOU and the impact on YOU.
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When my dad started to repeat himself I would get annoyed until I thought this is something that is happening to him, not me. So, I just would give the same answer even if it was less than a few minutes ago, For me and my sanity it was better to stay lighthearted because I knew one day it would be over and I would miss him. Dig deep.
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How would you feel if you were in Memory Care (and 94 years old) and had no one to visit you except your adult child? I'm sure you would be complaining as well.

That said, accept your Dad and his condition (and age) and just keep agreeing with him or say "I understand Dad"...

My almost 95 year old Mom (alzheimer's / dementia) lives with me and she repeats the same words every day. I pretend I'm hearing them for the first time and respond with yes, I understand Mom, or something like that depending on what she says.

I also bought my Mom an Alexa which she loves and she listens to her favorite songs everyday. Most afternoons we play cards which really cheers her up.

My Mom's brain is broken and her memory is mostly gone so she can't help it. Hey, I'm in my 60's and forget things! Losing one's memory is part of getting older. Complaining is being human.

Spend as much time with your Dad as possible as you don't know how much longer he has on this earth.

Best to you,
Jenna
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Dear nature73, the purpose of these forums is to support one another and brain-storm together so we can all do better for our elders so we feel better about ourselves. Not everyone posting seems to get that. So I'm going to offer what I do when I have to visit my narcissistic and emotionally abusive father: I have a bluetooth ear-thingy - not expensive, got it at Walmart, white cord with earplugs for the ears and a control thing on one end near the right ear. I put something pleasant on YouTube on my phone and put one ear thing in (cover with my hair) so I have that sound to calm me and help me, and he never knows the difference. With the other ear I can hear him and respond like normal, except with my ear thing, it's much less taxing on me. I put on the sound of thunder and rain, or music, or a talk show. Do whatever works. Be proud that you are trying, and remember you DO NOT have to just grit it out/suck it up or just magically feel different because you've been scolded, like some here have suggested or seem to think works. Sending you a hug.
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nature73 Dec 2020
Thank-you!
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Veronicva33 has good suggestions. Talking books, and Alexa. Good catch there Veronica : )
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Hmm. I'm not sure and lots of different people exist so hard to put someone in a category without knowing more, but I'm going to hazard speculation that your father has some dementia going on, which of course affects short term memory as well as mood - others here probably can offer more educated speculation And, whether he "means" it or not, his behavior and language look the same as someone making an intentional effort to manipulate you: to get you to feel a certain way, maybe so he can observe you scampering to appease or please him or trying to fix his problems. Whatever it is, thankfully for your sanity, you realize you can't fix his problems - and you want to keep visiting, so I recommend putting up a mental and emotional wall for yourself so you are insulated from his behavior and just allow his language and behavior to be whatever it is - and I would just agree with him, as in: "I know Dad, it must suck to not be able to see so well, I understand Dad", etc. Do not try to redirect him. Validate him, pat his hand, ask him what you can get for him, tell him you care about him, etc. but do not allow yourself to feel much, if anything, about what he says or how he acts. Insulate yourself so you can keep visiting AND celebrate your own existence. The moment you are out the door away from him, congratulate yourself for having logged another visit for him and also protected yourself - for you - and for the world you inhabit (if you are down, then that affects those around you, right?) Then quickly do something that brings you joy - get a cappuccino or something you like to eat or drink, watch a Youtube video on your phone that will make you laugh. You must do this immediately upon leaving him. If you protect yourself, and that includes your mood and thoughts - then you are doing the best for the both of you. He gets to continue to see you, and you do not get depleted from visiting him. Accept the obvious: If he has always been a "half-empty" type, he is wired that way. No changing it now.
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Imho, redirect to a positive topic. My own late mother would say - "No one REALLY wants to hear your problems." She had firsthand accounts of friends who talked and bemoaned about a host of different ailments. She must have known something as my mother lived alone till the age of 94 (when I had to move in with her). Prayers sent.
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Rather than trying to counter or divert from your dad's complaints, try acknowledging the things he is distressed about and expressing empathy for his feelings. You might say, "Yes, you are all alone here, That must feel very sad." or " Being constipated is uncomfortable and must make you miserable. Maybe he doctor can prescribe some medicine (like senna) to help out.

This will not alleviate all of his sadness or discomfort, but it will help.him to feel heard and that can be comforting in itself.
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My suggestion is that you keep visiting your father. Clients do better overall when they have visitors. Also join a support group. All caregivers need emotional support and encouragement.
He may need more activity to do. The recreation therapist should be able to put a plan together tailored with his likes and dislikes.
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I took care of my Mom in my home for 6 years. I learned that medicine will not "cure" depression or memory loss. There is a "loop" effect to how people verbalize when they have those difficulties and they cannot help it. You can try visiting just once a week and tell him you have extra work or are helping a friend, etc. The biggest thing is that you need to accept that he is who he is and try to find an activity to take with you each time you visit. Read to him or take a puzzle to work on or start asking him questions about his life and write or record what he says. Something more than just talking about the same things over and over. Start a scrapbook of real pictures (not digital) you take with him. Play cards or any kind of game that he can muster. Any of these things means "work" on your part and convincing him to participate and change the subject when he starts repeating. Somehow you need to let go of the resentment you obviously have towards him. Pray about it.
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acacia Dec 2020
Good idea to bring a puzzle or cards! A crossword puzzle takes time and collaboration. It can be a satisfying challenge for both of them.
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Sounds just like my mom. We were limited to one in person visit a week, so that was a relief. I would go prepared with a list of topics to bring up when she started on her gripes. I called it the Shiney game, whenever she turned dark I could distract her. Even it it was commenting on something in the room, outside the window, her clothing, etc. anything to distract her.

Then we were restricted to one video call a week so I would be prepared with a Show and Tell item, old toys, photos, even my cat! I could move around the house and yard and turn the camera to show her things to talk about.

The main thing here is to head them off before they can start complaining or voicing their gloom and doom. Yes, the current situation sucks but only you can change your reaction to the circumstances.
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I read you visit 2x weekly try 1 weekly & limit your time so you dont get overwhelmed
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"He asks me periodically how old he is, and how I'm related to him.." This sounds like more than a short-term memory problem. Knowing that you are his child is long-term memory. If he can't remember that, it seems to me that he has dementia of some kind.
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I read the headline and didn't need to read anymore.

Try with all your might and patience to listen with understanding and compaction,try to find some empathy. It's not easy to do.
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This year is hard with pandemic restrictions. So the fact that your dad seems a little more depressed than usual is a reflection of his circumstances and his unique outlook on life. If he is Eyore (depressed donkey from Winnie the Poo), you won't be able to change his personality.

Don't let his perspective bring you down. Just keep redirecting the conversation to more upbeat topics. Also consider brining him things to do that will keep him busy. You may have to talk to the staff about prompting him: giving him drinks and snacks, engaging in conversation...

My grandfather had vision problem early in his senior years as well as hearing problems. We had to make sure to engage him in conversation to keep him for m getting isolated.
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Although your father's vision is poor, you might be able to make a sign in large letters saying "you are 94 years old", "this is 2020" (or soon 2021) and you were born mm/dd/yy" "here is my picture, I am your daughter (or son) named _____"

My mother had memory issues although she never had problems recognizing me or my sister and her vision was still reasonably good, so I typed up sheets having answers to her usual questions, and when visiting her I often just pointed to the appropriate answer when she asked one of these questions. She was very hard of hearing, so not having to give her the answer verbally each time was a big relief!
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I feel your pain. I’ve looked after my mother remotely but now she is near me and it’s the same questions every day. I thought bringing her to a home near me would make her happy but I now realize that is not possible. It is hard to cope and wrap my head around. The whole process is draining. I’m confronted with my own mortality every time I step in to that facility. This is not a future anyone wants.
The facility is in lockdown and I’m going every day right now. I can’t imagine keeping this up. I think I might be getting it through my head not to try to enlighten men reason or engage in meaningful conversation. I wish you strength!
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My dad is 96 and has Dementia, his short term memory is like 5 minutes.

He's always repeating himself and it's the Dementia, he can't help it.

Geeze, give your dad a break, he's 94 yrs old and most people don't live to be 80.

Why don't you try to put yourself in his shoes, he has no one to visit him but you and all you're thinking about is poor you and thinking you'd like to not visit, shame on you.

Be glad he didn't get tired of taking care of you and answering your repetitive questions when you were little.

You should call you Dad every day to see how he's doing even tho he'll tell you the same answer, so what.

Be nice to him, he deserves it.

I'm sure he's pretty lonely and depressed not being with loved ones and not around people who really care.
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nature73 Dec 2020
Believe me - I'm not proud of this. I DO understand how he must feel & that's what's so hard. He NEVER thought he would live this long. And I hate the idea that he is spending his last days so miserable. I do try to redirect him & sympathize with his losses. I just needed some ideas & space to vent a little bit. Also, I thought maybe there was some other tactic that I had not thought of to help him.

I have gotten some good ideas from others who were not critical & I appreciate that.
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See if the doctor will re-evaluate his depression/anxiety meds, this could make a difference. My FIL had the same eye disease so we contacted the government concerning free equipment and a catalog of audible books for the blind. All of this is free and your father can choose the books he might be interested in ‘reading’. When your father complains acknowledge his issues, “I’m so sorry Dad that you are dealing with ___, what do you want me to do to help? He may just need to complain and know someone hears him. You could even write down his complaints so he knows someone is hearing his concerns. Also maybe he would respond to you keeping a diary for him, one that captures his youthful life for future generations. One more thing, there are numerous products you can get for the blind that he might like and make him feel more in control like a talking watch or clock. Look into any related items you think might help enhance his daily life. Can you set up an Alexa device he can talk to? It is important for you to know that there are things you can do to help him that will also help you. Good luck.
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Frances73 Dec 2020
That’s a good idea, often those with dementia have better recall of early events in their lives.
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Oh sounds like my mother. I try to always bring a treat or a meal she likes and redirect the conversation. Call attention to how well she is walking and how much better she is doing. Mom always forgets when I last visited or talked to her and I see her each week since she is in her own apartment. We talk everyday. It is what it is and will not change. Like with small children use distraction of any kind. Talk about what the rest of the family is doing. May be time to try a different anxiety medication.
I know he misses you, take a moment to pray before heading to his room. Just do the best you can.
I wish you peace.
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I agree with others here that say just expect that behavior and talk. I don't think there is anything you can do to make it better. This sounds terrible, but I think you just have to bite the bullet and visit, knowing it is going to be the same stuff over and over. Trying to change things or make them better is not going to work. You do what you can, and let go of thinking you are not doing something that would help.
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i think we all experience this as caregivers to elderly people. put yourself in their shoes ie in a facilty, not feeling well, not much to look forward to etc....you are his only piece of sunshine.....i think you need to do the best you can - when you go 2x per week - is it far from where you live? how long do you stay? maybe try going at differant times during the day etc.....these places are depressing to visit but can you imagine living there - its kind of a lose lose situation...all we can do is make the best of it.....i have been staying with my 89 yr old mom for 2.5 yrs since my father died(I rarely go back to my apartment in manhattan)....its very challenging...but we have to remember they need us and we are their children.....one day we will be in the same place - its not easy...good luck
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He is 94...
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Are there activities in Memory Care that your father may be interested in? You mentioned his eyes aren't good, would he be interested in audible books or listening to NPR perhaps? You can always ask, "What can I do to help?"
What did your father used to enjoy doing before MC? My dad is 88yo and very high functioning and has great cognitive skills but has been a lifelong reader his entire life. If my dad couldn't read, he's not the type to find bingo or or art enjoyable, (no offense to anyone that would). I would bring books that I could read to him or bring someone (a friend of his or mine) to visit.

I am a private caregiver, I make a point to bring a little something special for my clients. My husband is retired, he loves to cook & bake (lucky me) my clients some of their favorite dishes. I can appreciate where you are coming from, even with activities, I've heard the same thing too many times.

Lastly, maybe you could talk with the staff about your talking with his Dr about a medication change. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Good luck to you!
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I just said to DH tonight that I think I would faint dead away if even ONCE my 94 year old (next month) mother who lives in Memory Care would say she's FINE. Just pretend she's okay, even, that would be great. But no. She's so so so so sick and in so so so so much pain and she doesn't sleep at all, not even ONE MINUTE, at night, and on and on. The doctor who sees her weekly is an idiot and half nuts, so are all the other "stupid moron" residents she lives with, yada yada. She doesn't have Alzheimer's either, and is higher functioning than lots of the others, but make no mistake: she belongs there. And so do ALL residents of Memory Care who can't reside there without a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer's, etc.

We feel helpless with this kind of talk. We can't fix it. Yet it's all we hear about, over And over again day in and day out. My mother takes enough anti depressants to knock out a horse, but it doesn't change her talk about how horrrrrible she feels 24/7. It's like a broken record.

It's hard for us to deal with them, we back away and dread the interactions more and more.

It's hard for them because their world has shrunk down to a list of aches and pains and miseries. The dementia amps up the OCD and they dwell on the misery and make it worse than it actually is. I fact check my mother's chronic claims of sleeplessness and daily vomiting, and it's all untrue. If things were as bad as she portrayed them to be, we'd be at the hospital on a weekly basis. But this is HER reality, as she sees it in her diseased brain. All I can do is try to listen to her with as much sympathy as I can possibly muster. Some days are harder than others.

I hate dementia and what it's reduced our folks to. And they do too, I suspect, which is the worst part. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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nature73 Dec 2020
Thanks!
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Expect the conversation to be boring, that's what I tell my sister when mom goes to visit her. Same stuff, over and over. Just nod and smile and change the subject. Have a bunch of topics ready to talk about instead of being stuck on what he says over and over and over again (which is really tough to listen to!). Talk about the weather, about relatives, anything! I would make a list of things to tell him about, even if they are recycled. He probably won't remember you've told him.

Is he mobile? Take him for a walk (or probably not during covid times?). Put on some music.
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ArtistDaughter Dec 2020
This is good advice. I do that for my mom and it really brightens her day to hear the "news", which I sometimes even make up, but always I retell things that she responded positively to before. She doesn't remember the last time I said it, so it's new to her. I also try to remember anything that happens that will make her laugh. I've known all my life what will make her angry, so I avoid those topics. She likes to hear about cats and dogs and children. She has no interests any longer because she can't follow what she reads and can't remember how to knit. Lack of things to do is what causes her sadness. The thing I've noticed about her assisted living is the caregivers have so many chores that they don't have time to just sit with her and talk, as the caregivers and I did at her home years ago. I asked that they talk with her more often and they started taking her into the kitchen while they worked and it made her happy to watch them and listen to their conversations. Then they had a covid case and she was quarantined for 2 weeks, but now I will remind them that she needs more companionship. She also, as nature73, will not ask anyone for what she needs because she does not know what she needs. And sometimes antidepressants work the opposite way than intended. Certainly the meds need to be looked into. Music almost always works to cheer people.
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I was listening to Billy Joel yesterday. I just love this line in 'My Life': You can speak your mind but not on my time…

He may be telling everyone the same half empty glass story - I'm old, alone, going blind. The staff will acknowledge his feelings, be kind, then move on.

I get the same pity party speech from my Mum when she has run out of other news to tell. Then it's rerun time.

I do like the staff do, keep it short & sweet. Otherwise I fear this could become an attention forming habit.

Acknowledge (yes it's hard)
Be kind (pat hand)
Add a word or two (just have to make the best of it - or you are doing well with XYZ)
Change the scenery (go for a walk, move rooms).

Visit the bottom of the well - briefly - don't live there.
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nature73 Dec 2020
Thanks for the helpful tips. I get so enmeshed in the moment I forget to follow thru. Will give it a go.
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Hello nature73, elders repeating themselves is a pretty common issue. Your LO may not have ALZ but he certainly has cognitive decline and short-term memory loss and this is what causes him to repeat. He can't help it, his brain is breaking. A common tactic is to redirect the conversation and basically ignore something he's said and you've already answered. Tell him family news (even if it's something you've already told him before he may not remember it). Get a book of jokes and tell him some or read a funny story off the internet, etc. If the staff is calling you on his behalf too often, you have every right to ask them to not do this so frequently. Life does suck when you can't see, can't remember and are dependent on others. I think you may find it helpful to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She educates people on dementia and memory loss and she makes a tough topic as entertaining as it can be made. I know there are greeting cards where you can record your own personal message. Maybe record a personalized, reassuring one for your dad and have the staff play that for him instead when he wants to call you. Others will soon post their suggestions and I hope you find much help here. Let us know how it goes.
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nature73 Dec 2020
I forgot about Teepa Snow! Her videos should be able to help. Also I like the idea of a joke book. I'll try that & maybe reading the newspaper. I think part of the problem is that I DO feel bad for him & know it's frightening to deal with all his problems of aging. I want to FIX it but I can't! But the broken record gets to me.
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