Yesterday was a bad day visiting my dad in his nursing home. There aren't a lot of bad days, but when they happen they can really knock me down. And I never know quite how to react or handle things.
He generally seems very content there. He has favorite aides and favorite nurses (though I'm realizing now this may be part of the problem... that nobody can measure up to the favorites) and likes the activities.
But yesterday... it was like a 'got up on the wrong side of the bed' situation.
He was mad that nobody got him up until 10:05, which is not uncommon for bath/shower days (even when his favorite daytime aide is there), and even phrased it as "I didn't see another living soul until 10:05." Then he complained that the aide asked him at 11:05 if he wanted to go to the exercise, which seemed to offend him greatly because they would be almost over. Then he told my mom and I that "Nurse Ratched" blew him off when he asked about why he hadn't gotten anything for his hand (which the doctor had looked at), told him he needs to wear his hand brace type thing more (he has contracture of his left hand), and walked away before he could say anything more. Then he both complained that the "subpar staff" doesn't know how to put the brace on (except for his favorite aide) and said that he doesn't want to wear it much because it's uncomfortable.
It turned out that everything he'd told us the doctor had said she was going to do for his hand (ointment for an ingrown nail, which the first nurse had told him it might be) was actually what he assumed she'd do. Because yesterday he said she hadn't said ointment at all, that she had said something about fungus and wearing his brace.
So it's like he decide what the problem is and how to fix it and is now upset that it is not being fixed that way, probably because it's not actually the problem, and he wants my mom and I to do something about that. And what are we even supposed to do?
I'm sorry to go on so long like that but... if anybody has advice for enduring the bad days and keeping patient and calm and doing the right thing... I'm all ears!
If Dad has a Dementia, I would take what he says with a grain of salt. This is what "he" believes. Don't disagree with him.
Then try to meet with the staff to discuss what happened or what didn't, and how the issues can be addressed in the future. He does have certain rights, and sometimes staff can work out problems when he feels those rights have been denied.
It may also be that it was a bad day for him, in which case I would spend more time with him, change the subject to something positive, and try to leave on that tone, with his knowing as well that you'll see what you can do.
That's what I did - try to resolve the problem that day, and present the solutions to Dad so he didn't end the day anticipating more problems.
On a really REALLY bad day, I usually say that one of the grandkids needs to go somewhere so I have to go. She loves them, so I usually get a reasonably peaceful exit. Doesn’t make me feel any better but I pretend I’m a grown up and try to look brave.
you will have these bad days with him and if it’s something you can actually help solve, then do so. But if you know it’s something you can’t, just acknowledge what they say and don’t argue or reason. My stock saying is "I'm looking into it' or "I'll check on it for you" and then I change the subject to divert. That seems to satisfy him. Once you get used to doing that it gets easier and you will see that it works. When my dad is in a bad mood, I make up an excuse so I can leave.
When my Mom is having a bad day, I try to distract her with things she enjoys talking about like the grandkids or the dogs. I come up with funny stories that she will laugh at and that seems to help dissipate the agitation or anxiety. I also try to time my visits with a meal so I can eat with her. That is usually enough of a distraction to move her beyond whatever is bothering her.
It's easy to get caught up in the issue(s) of the day and difficult to decide which ones are real and which ones aren't. I try to independently figure that out but am not always successful. I know the facility will call me if there's something I really need to know about so if I haven't received a call, it's probably not as bad as it sounds.
You are obviously a caring child and that's what really matters. I've learned from Mom that she won't remember the conversations or words but she always remembers how she feels. Continue to be there with a hug and sympathetic ear then hope tomorrow will be a better day!
What I then thought was I put him there to help him; not hurt him. I would do anything for my father. I think deep down inside he knows that but, it's so hard seeing him like this. It tears me up completely and I totally understand your feelings.
I would say just hang in there...know he's there for all the right reasons and support and love him as much as you are doing. That's all we can do at this point, right?
I'll be praying for you.
I often think about what the guy who managed my dad's IRA told me when all this started, that he had a client who told him that he was going to try to get his mother out of the NH she was in because she kept telling how unhappy and miserable she was. He told the client to try and remember that nobody 'wants' to be there, but that they wouldn't let a person be there if they didn't 'need' to be there.
And my dad needs to be there, and right now yours does too.
Maybe this is us taking care of them the best we can, just like they took care of us the best they could.
Of course, certain things that are perhaps not all that important, apparently are important to him, including his favorite people.
Don’t we all have favorites once in awhile? I am not overly picky but I have to say there was one particular person who was very good at drawing my blood in the hospital when I needed continual lab work.
She told me to ask for her. We clicked. She had enormous compassion for me going through fertility issues because her sister went through issues too. She understood and I felt comfortable with her. So, I would cut your dad some slack on this, especially since he rarely complains.
We all have off days periodically. If something isn’t a pattern I can handle it. It’s the chronic day to day annoyances that gets to me.
You are very considerate of his feelings to care about how he feels. Yes, it is disturbing to see him upset.
Truly sorry.
But you're absolutely fine in what you said. Someone pointed out I didn't have a bio written in my profile and I know the story I told sounds like possible dementia things, so it was a perfectly fair assumption to make. Please don't be sorry.
My Dad complained about everything in his facility.
At first I believed it but quickly found most of it not true. He was refusing to get up. The staff left him to sleep longer , then he said they did not wake him. The next time he would say he was made to get up at 6am which was untrue. He managed to do fairly good in dementia tests.
One GP said he may have frontal lobal dementia!! which occurs in early onset. Fast forward he got brain scan. Established brain damage due to 2 fairly major strokes in the past. Damage at front lobe. So he has vascular dementia.
iMoods still up and down. Now leave if bad day. I don’t take up any of complaints. Just say I will check with nurse on way out. He forgets by next time. It’s not easy. I prepare for worst at visits. If good day it’s a bonus. Stay strong.
But at the same time -- or, actually, before that -- I take these hurts to God--I rely on my faith a lot. I know that I can't always be in the facility to watch over my dear one, so I ask God to do it. I am a Christian, so I believe that God hears and cares, and can do ALL things. I pray for the patient ("Lord, please give them the right care, please give them your protection, please give them your peace and contentment, let them know they are in good hands, and in Your hands") I also pray for the staff -- that God give them tender hearts, willing hands, a sense of true compassion.
Having a loved one in a facility -- or BEING a loved one in a facility -- can be so hard, in my opinion, only my faith in God's ability to intercede gives me hope and peace about it all. May God bless you.
OH-- and one more thing! I suggest that you take comfort in knowing that YOU are doing all that you can do to ensure that your dear dad is in good hands. You are visiting, and listening, and caring, and advocating -- and these are HUGE works of mercy and goodness. You can take peace in knowing that you are walking alongside of him in this hard time.