My older sister is 65. Five years older than I am. She is a "recovered" drug addict. Used drugs all her life. Possibly the use of Xanax for 20 years contributed to her present problems with her mind. She keeps asking me to help her. But, she will not go to her Dr. appointments and she will not do anything I suggest. The more I do to help her the less she does to help herself. She has always been this way. It's just more magnified now.
Tell THAT to every health professional that is involved, Doctor, hospital social worker, area of aging etc.
You have seen & lived it & you got it!
It took me a while to come to this realisation with MY sister - but that is exactly it! Now my eyes are open & while HER situation has not improved, I am doing so much better as the guilt is dissolving. I am no longer thinking "I have to do it all for her"... buy groceroes, drive where she needs to go, make her attend appointments - all the endless needs.
Now I am thinking "I will be her advocate" to speak up for her when her life crumbles ie boat starts sinking. Better for both of us if I am off the sinking boat. I can be on shore waving for help.
Llamalover47
If she complains repeatedly about "medical" symptoms but doesn't follow through with a doctor, tell her to "Either stop complaining or do something about it." That something meaning see a doctor.
I confess I have to tell MYSELF that sometimes.
This is MY sister EXACTLY. She has diagnosed cognitive problems.
Her "magical thinking", problems with planning, recall problems result in avoiding Doctor visits. Doesn't like what Doctor advices, can't plan what next steps to take, can't recall advice properly later.
It is maddening to watch our LOs decline because of their ignorance, stubbornness, etc. Most things do not just miraculously get better on their own. Living that one with my mom. She always thinks tomorrow will be better, but NOPE, it's not.
Your sister can now get Medicare. She needs to sign up if for it or there will be penalties. If she is low income, she can apply for Medicaid health insurance for her secondary. Dental, perscription and Vision are included. As is transportation help. So she will be good there. You then can call Office of Aging. Ask if they can help your sister find resources. O of A usually has buses that will take people to appts and shopping. They maybe able to help with the Medicaid application. Give sister phone numbers of doctors you feel she needs to see. Its up to her whether she calls or not.
Please, don't expect the person she lives with to do anything. At least your sister isn't homeless and living on the streets. Maybe this person recognizes that there is nothing she can do for ur sister. It is not easy caring for someone who fights u at every turn.
Good for your daughter. She has set a boundary. I would suspect sister is BiPolar too. She probably self medicated with drugs. My cousin its alcohol. And the years of using probably have fried her brain. Sorry to say, she has made her bed whether her fault or not. All you can do is be there when she crashes. At that time, let the state step in. Let them become her guardian. Things will go a lot better when they are in charge in finding what she needs. You are not responsible for her financially.
Also, I live in Missouri here we have doctor's that will go to a patient's home and do a visit. I wonder if that might be something she would be more open too?
65 is not old, I am 67 - maybe she just wants to be loved and hugged.
Personally, I do not wish to go to the doctor either - but I like to be hugged.
Feel free to give her doctor contact information and let her make her own appointments. When she brings up how ________ prevents her from doing so, remind her that she is responsible for her own life choices and their consequences.
If you are a person of faith, offer to pray for her.... then do so, on the spot.
i have a friend who has a sister about the age of yours. She’s not a recovering drug addict or bipolar but she is a lottery player and she suffers from a form of “learned helplessness”. That is what the therapist called it.
Her elderly husband died and she called her siblings to let them know. He was still working in his 80s. She had seen neither sibling in many years. To make a long story short, she was about to lose her home and my friend agreed to help her out financially in exchange for her going to therapy weekly. It’s been two years and she does seem better than she was because of the therapy. She does see her primary, is diabetic, keeps up with all of that fine. So she has a diff set of problems from your sister but the bottom line is if you are going to help her, figure out how she can contribute. You may need to go to a therapist yourself to work through this. My friend did. She could easily afford to pay all her sisters bills but she refuses to enable her to play the lottery and live under a bridge. Come here for support. Figure out what you are willing to do and then set that boundary that includes action on her part. That will help you to not give in when she puts the pressure on. Make sure she isn’t still using and playing you. Those old behaviors are hard to break. If no one else will tolerate her then I’m sure the pressure she puts on you is considerdablr.
"Lack of planning on your part does not mean an emergency on my part." So another's lack of action does NOT mean it has to become my problem/emergency. And it's not that one does not care about the other person. Encouraging a person to take control & responsibility for themself is a caring thing to do.
I acknowledge that it is personally painful to watch the other needy person struggle, but that is how that person can grow.
I should've NOT helped my mom move back into her home after her hospital/rehab stay: installing grab bars, removing rugs, auto-lights (for night-time), making the downstairs livable as one unit . .. and a myriad of other things I did for her in her house. No to mention I made seven 600 mile round trips in 2 months, and spent some of my $$ to get her back home. Looking back. BIG MISTAKE.
At first, she was extremely thankful and so happy to be back in her home! But then when she realized all the changes, OMG, the rath I got from her! Even her friends (the two she has left) are in shock at how she badmouth's me after seeing all that I did for her. Actually, I'm not sure she has those friends anymore, although I am in contact with them.
Cripes. Now, I can't even get near her. She's changed all the locks - yeah . can you believe that?? So, I'm just waiting for that phone call .
It hurts, but what else can I do?
I tried to get her to go to the doctor to get her brain evaluated. That failed. She hates doctors. Yet her distain for doctors is what made her end up with a $10K hospital bill and a $12k bill for in-home care. Medicare turned down her pay because her hospital episode was totally preventable. It was.
So, now I just wait. But everyday now is torture for me in a way. So, I feel your pain. But really, all you can do is sit back and wait for something to happen.
Next time my mom gets admitted to the hospital, I will make sure she won't be able to return to her unsafe home and way of life in her elderly stage of life.
She will have earned it.
If you don’t want to wait for an emergency, you can have Social Services look into your mom’s situation. We had this happen to my 90 something aunt and uncle 2 years ago. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t easy, but they ended up in a place where they could get meals (3 a day, plus snacks), their medicines, a bed and a non-leaking roof over their heads. The first placement was a horrible Assisted Living facility, but once their family complained and DSS found out there was still some savings in a savings account, they moved them to a nicer facility.
Many things in life are unexplainable, painful, and highly stressful. We can’t fix it all, but we can learn from it and we can make plans for our own care while we still have the “smarts” to do it!
Please take care of yourself. Go to bed at night, knowing you’ve done everything you could possibly do for your mom. It is her problem(s) now, and not yours. It’s tough, but sometimes love is tough.
You may have to take the advice of ML4444 and just step back until "it happens". You can imagine what "will happen" all you like, but when it happens it is always a different thing. Deal with it then. It is easier than dying 1,000 deathes now imagining it.
What about: what if I stop trying to deal with this person?
I'm assuming this is your sister that's worrying you. You have tried and tried and tried, and it has made no difference to her wellbeing.
Or rather, it's made no improvement: it may possibly even be that the attention she gets from your constant efforts reinforces her habit of self-sabotage.
Stop, and see what happens. You can always intervene if it's anything worse.
If and when he/she becomes a danger to self, and needs an ambulance, perhaps you can tell hospital social worker they need to be placed.