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Hello, I am curious how others deal with the merry-go-round of having an ill LO and the constant anxiety, stress, and fear. Mark will get fairly stable for a little bit and then another crisis hits. For example, he was going to dialysis yesterday and his blood pressure plummeted, which I have been made aware is fairly common. However, he also has a bad chest infection now which they are unsure what it is. Mark is back in the ICU right now because of the blood pressure and he was having to have three breathing treatments.



How do you deal with a LO seeming to get better for a little bit and another domino toppling and they have another crisis?

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Nobody knows, really. Everyone is different. People will always say to take care of yourself first, but that's a variable. For some, that might be a long walk. For me, it wouldn't. For others, it's going into a soundproof room and screaming, but who knows where to find one.

The impossible is expected of us. There's little caring for the caregiver. I suggest that you stop answering the phone. You don't need to know every little detail, do you? You were going to divorce Mark, right? You'll need to work on emotionally uninvesting. Since he hasn't been nice to you, you don't have to stay on the merry-go-round. Go no contact. His crises no longer have to be yours.

Or is the divorce off now?
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DoggieMom86 Apr 2, 2024
No, the divorce is still going to happen although it will take some time. Even with a so called "simple" divorce it will still take a couple months to go through the court. I am still the main contact since I am still legally married to him and I do care about him, but I am trying to juggle a lot here with needing to move and basically having to start my life anew after 15 years. I do take time to read and have been journaling a little. I play with my dogs and watch some TV shows. My mom and I are watching a series together called "We Were the Lucky Ones."

I have been leaning on my family a lot for emotional support and going to get more therapy to help out.
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It's hard that's for sure, and it's ups and downs, I get down for a few days , let myself wallow in my depression, then kick myself to get moving .

Everyone is different as for what helps them, me it's taking walks, keeping busy, try to keep a project of my own going, you have to do what you like to do and make that time. Which I've been slipping on that one. Sometimes we just can't get motivated to do things we enjoy, sometimes you have to force it. If you like to read , find a book and read, or craft projects. What ever helps
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Anxietynacy Apr 2, 2024
Also being greatfull what we do have, as you say you are leaning on your family, that's awesome, some people don't have that, some have lost most of there friends because of lack of time, and just always feeling stressed.

As for you still care, of course you do. I seriously probably would be there to help my ex husband as much as I could, if he wasn't capable of taking care of himself. Some wouldn't agree, but that's not my problem. I have 4 boys with him I wouldn't not be there for the father of my children. And I believe he would be there for me if I need help. We are family.

Weather or not you take care of him is your business, weather or not he treated you poorly and your still helping him is your business
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I’m not sure we deal with it, but instead hang on for dear life while waiting to see if we fall off or the merry-go-round stops. At the rate yours is spinning, it may fly off its axle and roll down a hill!

I was depressed and stress ate an extra 50lb. I was overly emotional, with anxiety. I shut down my emotions except resentment. Mostly I was numb and detached, going through the motions. Lousy options.

Screaming can be troublesome, so I switched to singing. I’m a force to be reckoned with at karaoke. I’ll swim, or just float with my eyes closed. Sit and stare at my bird feeder. It feels a bit more acceptable/productive than staring off into space.

You’re going through so very much. I hope you can soon regain yourself and your peace.
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Anxietynacy Apr 2, 2024
I will blare my favorite go to music, sing my heart out while I'm cleaning. It often helps. Johnny cash, Franky valley and the 4 seasons, and Meatloaf, are my go to bands when I need to just sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching. I probably look like a crazy person to people walking by but who cares
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I just roll with the punches, accept the setbacks and ongoing issues. My step-father was on dialysis for 6 years, now that was a real trip, one that I will never take again.

My 99 yo mother is suffering from renal failure level 4, so the doctors say "She needs dialysis" my brother and I are like No not going to happen.

We caregivers tend to over accept responsibility for another, we all have some codependent tendencies. It took me awhile to figure this out, now I get it, back off Dolly, you are not in charge of saving another or making them happy!
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DoggieMom86 Apr 2, 2024
I like your name MeDolly, btw. Wow, six years huh? I know some people do okay with dialysis, but in the month Mark has been on it his BP has crashed more often than not and they are removing fluid like crazy from his lungs. That seems a bit extreme to ask a 99 year-old women to go on dialysis. She would not be eligible for a transplant at her age and dialysis can be exhausting. I think you made the right call.
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I would be surprised if the infection is not the real problem here. The breathing treatments make me think, with the chest problem that you are facing down pneumonia here. If that is so, very serious for Mark, as you will know from the move to ICU. Their worst fear is sepsis, which often the falling BP can be indicative of. If that happens it will be very touch and go, and I would bet he is again on the heavy duty antibiotics.

You know that Mark is a very ill man, Doggiemom. I think that things may never be different from him. He has so many major systems now under attack. I understand he is young and want to fight, but he is already just using so many things in his battle; there's just not a lot more.

I think that the only way that you can face it is to expect the unexpected, to take it one day at a time. There honestly isn't any other answer.
In your post about your sweet therapy dogs you have told us that you yourself are beset not by one but by several anxiety disorders you have to deal with. This doesn't help. It is putting you in a constant state of adrenalin and cortisone feeds, and then collapse, and it's doing it over and over again.

I caution you--Mark is going to be sleeping a whole lot, and in ICU an amnesia sets in; he isn't going to even KNOW how often you are there--you MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You simply must. This is terrible for your own system. Mark is in good hands, and they are all doing their best for him. Please take care of yourself.
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DoggieMom86 Apr 2, 2024
I agree with you he is very sick and has a lot going on. He has had the problem with having radiation pnemonia for a while now so I guess it's making a return. He still has the plueral effusion going on but instead of using the chest tube to drain the dialysis is taking care of it. Yes, I realize I CANNOT let my autism and anxiety disorders keep spiraling which is another reason I am distancing myself from things a lot knowing there is not much I can really do other than keep praying. I don't know how much longer Mark has to live or could live.
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This is the same Mark who told you he wasn't going to assist with the house bills because he isn't living there right now and is in the hospital and moving in with his druggie nephew? I hope your merry go round with this man is over sooner rather than later.
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DoggieMom86 Apr 2, 2024
It is the same, yes. He is still in a SNF and was yesterday was taken back to ICU. I am not going to be married to him as I am getting the divorce process rolling and moving. Whether he will be able to move in with his nephew or not, I have no idea. He has not even been moved to rehab because of how bad his condition is.
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