Mom is 87 and has survived thyroid cancer. Although they saw something in her lungs before. It seemed to be a "scar." Long story short, last CT scan shows that she has stage 4 lung cancer. It kills me to have to deliver the bad news. She seems to be in good spirits and talks about traveling in the future, etc. Never had to deliver news to a parent before that they are slowly dying. I will ask her, but I know she doesn't want treatment. Doctor said would only add a few months... not really a good option. I keep thinking of all the different scenarios of how this will turn out. My sister and I decided to wait till after Christmas. That's all I've been thinking about since we heard the news 3 weeks ago. Any suggestions on how to go about this? I think we might need to give her Xanax when we tell her the news. Has anybody ever had something prescribed to their parent for devastating news such as this? My mother is a very emotional person like myself. I have a pretty good idea on how she's going to react.. She possibly could go into full denial about this as well.
That's how it went with my dad. He had NO idea he had cancer, and I went with him to his appointment to hear the results of an MRI from his doctor. He walked in and said, "Well, I'm sorry to say you have inoperable cancer in your liver. I'm afraid anything we could do for a younger person would kill you."
He then left us alone to process that for a few minutes, then he came back and answered Dad's questions. He sent Dad off to get an unnecessary X-ray so he could tell me that he had about a month, and that was that. We never saw the doctor again.
Your mom deserves to have her doctor tell her and to be there to answer her questions. You aren't qualified to answer them, and he should be there to do it.
The only thing you can do is let her cry, tell her that you will be there for her, and tell her that you will follow her directions, be certain she is medicated to keep her comfortable, get hospice care for her. You will have support of nursing, social workers and clergy if you wish it.
I am so dreadfully sorry. There is no happy way to receive this news. No matter how much drugging you do.
The doctors delivering this news will help with the denial but YOU must make it clear to him you believe she will go into denial so that he is HONEST. There is no good way for bad news. When I had breast cancer and said to my doctor "What do you think it is" He said "An occult breast cancer though it could be lymphoma". When I said "I never get sick; what can it be that is GOOD" he said "Cat scratch fever, but I don't think so". I could laugh about it later, but at the time it was shocking and brutal. There is no good way to hear very bad news. I just am so sorry.
As to the final way she reacts, that is something you have little control of. After getting the truth, you can live with how she chooses to handle it. If she never does accept it, then know that is one way to handle it and allow her the dignity of her reaction.
My mother didn’t even look up from her word search after I told her. She just questioned “how do they possibly know that??!?” And “they are wrong!”. Then went right back to circling words in total denial I had just given her bad news. The next day, I asked her what she would want for treatment and she asked “for what??!!!!”. Yup. She forgot. I didn’t mention any of the cancer stuff again until the PET scan. She kept asking what it was for and I would tell her but on the way home, she’d ask again. She is incapable of having bad news sink in.
Fast forward to the call from the doctor with PET scan results. The dr. told me that the suspected cancer was actually a huge 3 cm granuloma!!!!!!!!!! He and his colleagues were shocked and said this was very rare especially in a lifelong 2 pack a day smoker. She does have diffuse emphysema….but the bottom line….we weren’t looking at cancer.
I told mom the incredible news (although in some ways this was mixed news for me). I don’t want her to die a painful cancer death, but I also don’t want her to die a long drawn out death by complications of Alzheimer’s either. Mom reacted with “well of course I don’t have cancer!”. Lol. This is truly a classic story about my Mom….she has unbelievably good luck. She had Covid a year ago along with all 8 of us in our family. She is in several high risk categories, yet she had it the most mild. No fever, no big cough….just felt a bit under the weather for a day.
I’m telling this story because perhaps you don’t need to go into elaborate info or details about her disease if she is not going to be treated anyways. Keeping it simple to understand and telling her things on a “need to know” basis? I’m not sure how with it your mom is in terms of how she will remember anyways. I would wait until after the new year….but that’s just me. Good luck and I hope she takes the news well.
I never worried for a moment that he would 'drop dead on the spot' TChamp.
I broke the news to him that his brain tumor had grown and was causing him the droopiness on one side that he was experiencing lately. I also told him that there was no treatment available for him due to his age, and that surgery was way too invasive a thing for him to endure. He said, "Are you sure?" I said yes. I told him that hospice would be on call for him but that people were known to live for 2 years or more under hospice care, and that he had me and mom to help him and care for him, too. He thanked me for everything, we both cried a bit, and he accepted the news with grace and dignity.
He had every right to know what was happening to him. Why should he have been prevented from knowing what was happening to his own body? I totally disagree with hiding the truth from your mother b/c the news may upset her.
My dad died 19 days after he went to the ER for an MRI. The brain tumor was very aggressive. He died peacefully and with no pain and I'm grateful for that.
I'm sorry you are faced with this situation and the sad fact of losing your mom to lung cancer. If you feel the doctor should tell her, then have him do it. If you feel she'd take the news better coming from you, then you should tell her. But she is entitled to know her fate. Ask the doctor to prescribe some Ativan for her as well.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
My thoughts are with you.
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