My so-called brother is 6 years older than me. Now that our parents are both gone, he is creating a lot of havoc regarding their estate. Mind you, I am the listed executor in the will. That aside, he has been insulting, rude and plain old rotten to me on and off for several years now. Why? Truly, I don't really know, and I don't care anymore. The relationship is a like a roller coaster ride, lots of ups & downs over & over again. We will get along, things are fine, more or less then something will happen, I stand up for myself, and then he retreats and stops communicating with me until months have passed. Then little by little we are talking again & getting along, until the next incident occurs. Very cyclical and predictable. I am not the one who has a problem with him, but he certainly has one with me. Just recently we were going thru my parents' house, deciding to sell furniture, have an estate sale, he was helping me, and we were getting along great for once. I thought it was weird he was being so nice to me to be honest. But, when it came time to sign a waiver for a hearing for me to be appointed as executor, communication ceased. He has hired a lawyer and is delaying the probate process, demanding bank statements otherwise he will not sign the waiver, not to mention incurring additional legal fees that we don't need. I have been so distressed over this, that I was severely depressed for about a week, crying for days on end. I am very emotional and sensitive. My mother passed away 2 months ago so I am very sad and vulnerable emotionally as it is. So, I have decided that going forward I don't want to have any relationship with him. I want to permanently sever the ties. I don't want him to have so much power over me that I crumble and fall apart from his actions. I do care about him, but I just can't continue in any relationship with him. Of course, he isn't talking to me now anyway, since he got a lawyer involved. And more than likely will continue to cause problems with probate. Our relationship will probably be over anyway, but I don't want him to have such a hold on me. It is sad, because I lost both my parents and now I have to lose him too. But, I have decided it is necessary. Any thoughts on how you stop caring about someone and disconnect emotionally? Thank you.
I am very sorry for your loss of your parents.
My situation is somewhat familiar: a toxic sibling wreaking probate havoc.
We lost Dad 2 yrs ago and I foresee my own emotional collapse once Mom also dies and my job of being devoted to her care and quality of life comes to an end; I don't know what I'll do without them both. I lost my only brother 22 yrs ago and have 1 surviving sibling who is toxic beyond description.
We 3 sibs were from Mom's early 1st marriage to a violent, abusive NPD and we all struggled as kids. My Bro and I ended up decent people, but TS (Twisted Sibling) never did the emotional work to get out of her soul-killing role of the Golden Child and is an NPD herself.
I can't advise on how you can let go of this toxic sibling, But I let go of all toxic ppl in my life by doing work with a couple psychologists and a counselor over the course of decades. My spiritual practice is also key.
I hadn't laid eyes on nor communicated with TS for 22 yrs. None of us had, my parents (Dad was step of 44 yrs), my brother's family, my adult daughter, and my grandchildren had zip to do with her; as though she didn't exist. You learn to turn away from greed, pain and ugly once you recognize that the snake will wait for any opportunity to strike.
My Bro was worth 1.5 million at the time of his death at age 45 and TS teamed up with our bio-father and initiated a probate contest that we fought, along with his family. TS tried to have him declared incompetent, posthumously, and have his 11 yr marriage annulled and the transfer of 30% shares in his business to his wife and daughter overturned in order to access his estate, to which she was not a named heir. She didn't succeed but ended up costing his estate over 350k in legal expenses and an eventual settlement to stop the insanity. None of us have had a dam* thing to do with her since.
My parents appointed me as alternative to one another in all matters and it's been a lot of work, a ton of work. TS was long-disinherited and in efforts to avert another debacle like over my Bro's estate, my Dad explained her disinheritance in a Letter to Survivors. She had been scheming for 1.5 yrs and then this spring, right after I sold the last property and estate matters were settling down, she filed to have my Mom declared incompetent. The language she used was "a mental defective." So cruel. She wanted a non-profit appointed as Mom's Guardian and a law firm as Conservator of her estate. She didn't win this time either, but cost Mom's estate over 15k in fees.
I'm now my Mom's G&C and I rewrote the legal filing to more gentle language and placed into the court record all evidence of her NPD proclivities, the past filing and her sick communications. Mom is 87 and in a MC unit (refuses her visits) and I've been managing everything fine. Now I have to do reporting to the court and she is made privy to estate matters that have nothing to do with her. She just can't stand being ignored and left out of Wills and estate plans; she needs to be relevant and is too sick of mind to recognize why she is ignored or she simply doesn't care. Twisted.
Do the emotional work now to let go of your brother, whatever it takes. He is abusive and you are grieving; he's kicking you while you're down and he'll never stop being a coiled viper, waiting to strike. Communicate only through attorneys from now on and boot him from your life. Your family life is gone with your parents' deaths and you need to grieve that reality too. Don't allow any abuser into your life, no matter the relationship potential or what it's been in the past.
I'd suggest a good therapist to aid in grieving and in setting boundaries to absolutely block your abusive brother from any strikes reaching your core in future. Do some research on personality disorders and define him; this recognition will help to distance you from him emotionally.
Protect yourself while grieving your parents and the family that you no longer have.
Just let him be, and grieve the loss of this relationship as well. It doesn't sound like you had anything to work with in this on and off game called a relationship. You don't need the toxicity.