My so-called brother is 6 years older than me. Now that our parents are both gone, he is creating a lot of havoc regarding their estate. Mind you, I am the listed executor in the will. That aside, he has been insulting, rude and plain old rotten to me on and off for several years now. Why? Truly, I don't really know, and I don't care anymore. The relationship is a like a roller coaster ride, lots of ups & downs over & over again. We will get along, things are fine, more or less then something will happen, I stand up for myself, and then he retreats and stops communicating with me until months have passed. Then little by little we are talking again & getting along, until the next incident occurs. Very cyclical and predictable. I am not the one who has a problem with him, but he certainly has one with me. Just recently we were going thru my parents' house, deciding to sell furniture, have an estate sale, he was helping me, and we were getting along great for once. I thought it was weird he was being so nice to me to be honest. But, when it came time to sign a waiver for a hearing for me to be appointed as executor, communication ceased. He has hired a lawyer and is delaying the probate process, demanding bank statements otherwise he will not sign the waiver, not to mention incurring additional legal fees that we don't need. I have been so distressed over this, that I was severely depressed for about a week, crying for days on end. I am very emotional and sensitive. My mother passed away 2 months ago so I am very sad and vulnerable emotionally as it is. So, I have decided that going forward I don't want to have any relationship with him. I want to permanently sever the ties. I don't want him to have so much power over me that I crumble and fall apart from his actions. I do care about him, but I just can't continue in any relationship with him. Of course, he isn't talking to me now anyway, since he got a lawyer involved. And more than likely will continue to cause problems with probate. Our relationship will probably be over anyway, but I don't want him to have such a hold on me. It is sad, because I lost both my parents and now I have to lose him too. But, I have decided it is necessary. Any thoughts on how you stop caring about someone and disconnect emotionally? Thank you.
Just let him be, and grieve the loss of this relationship as well. It doesn't sound like you had anything to work with in this on and off game called a relationship. You don't need the toxicity.
I am very sorry for your loss of your parents.
My situation is somewhat familiar: a toxic sibling wreaking probate havoc.
We lost Dad 2 yrs ago and I foresee my own emotional collapse once Mom also dies and my job of being devoted to her care and quality of life comes to an end; I don't know what I'll do without them both. I lost my only brother 22 yrs ago and have 1 surviving sibling who is toxic beyond description.
We 3 sibs were from Mom's early 1st marriage to a violent, abusive NPD and we all struggled as kids. My Bro and I ended up decent people, but TS (Twisted Sibling) never did the emotional work to get out of her soul-killing role of the Golden Child and is an NPD herself.
I can't advise on how you can let go of this toxic sibling, But I let go of all toxic ppl in my life by doing work with a couple psychologists and a counselor over the course of decades. My spiritual practice is also key.
I hadn't laid eyes on nor communicated with TS for 22 yrs. None of us had, my parents (Dad was step of 44 yrs), my brother's family, my adult daughter, and my grandchildren had zip to do with her; as though she didn't exist. You learn to turn away from greed, pain and ugly once you recognize that the snake will wait for any opportunity to strike.
My Bro was worth 1.5 million at the time of his death at age 45 and TS teamed up with our bio-father and initiated a probate contest that we fought, along with his family. TS tried to have him declared incompetent, posthumously, and have his 11 yr marriage annulled and the transfer of 30% shares in his business to his wife and daughter overturned in order to access his estate, to which she was not a named heir. She didn't succeed but ended up costing his estate over 350k in legal expenses and an eventual settlement to stop the insanity. None of us have had a dam* thing to do with her since.
My parents appointed me as alternative to one another in all matters and it's been a lot of work, a ton of work. TS was long-disinherited and in efforts to avert another debacle like over my Bro's estate, my Dad explained her disinheritance in a Letter to Survivors. She had been scheming for 1.5 yrs and then this spring, right after I sold the last property and estate matters were settling down, she filed to have my Mom declared incompetent. The language she used was "a mental defective." So cruel. She wanted a non-profit appointed as Mom's Guardian and a law firm as Conservator of her estate. She didn't win this time either, but cost Mom's estate over 15k in fees.
I'm now my Mom's G&C and I rewrote the legal filing to more gentle language and placed into the court record all evidence of her NPD proclivities, the past filing and her sick communications. Mom is 87 and in a MC unit (refuses her visits) and I've been managing everything fine. Now I have to do reporting to the court and she is made privy to estate matters that have nothing to do with her. She just can't stand being ignored and left out of Wills and estate plans; she needs to be relevant and is too sick of mind to recognize why she is ignored or she simply doesn't care. Twisted.
Do the emotional work now to let go of your brother, whatever it takes. He is abusive and you are grieving; he's kicking you while you're down and he'll never stop being a coiled viper, waiting to strike. Communicate only through attorneys from now on and boot him from your life. Your family life is gone with your parents' deaths and you need to grieve that reality too. Don't allow any abuser into your life, no matter the relationship potential or what it's been in the past.
I'd suggest a good therapist to aid in grieving and in setting boundaries to absolutely block your abusive brother from any strikes reaching your core in future. Do some research on personality disorders and define him; this recognition will help to distance you from him emotionally.
Protect yourself while grieving your parents and the family that you no longer have.
Most people think they hold no responsibility for the issue, but the whole relationship is like a dance. He says A, you react B, then the C occurs. It's completely predictable because neither of you knows how to act differently. Learn how to react differently, and you might be able to salvage a relationship if you want one. Either way, therapy will help you sort it out.
As for the estate, just proceed as though he's not part of settling it. I'll bet you dollars to donuts he doesn't file whatever he needs to in a timely manner, and you'll be all wound up over nothing because the judge will recognize you as the executor anyway.
Just do your job, settle the estate, and refer all calls to the attorney. Be sure to pay yourself at least $20/hour for your time while doing the work. That'll help offset the damage any additional attorney fees might do to your share.
Yeah, I call BS on that.
I'm sorry you're in such a position to begin with. It sounds like a good idea to cut ties with this man, even though to do so is to suffer another loss. You have to protect yourself now, that's the most important thing. I don't think you ever stop caring about him, but you make a conscious decision to detach from him emotionally b/c of the pain he's causing you. Just as you'd make a conscious decision to step back from a rattlesnake b/c it will bite you, you're doing the same thing with your brother. Make that decision on a daily basis; don't say it's 'forever' b/c that's too overwhelming of a thought. Just say that for TODAY, you will not think about your brother or connect with him in any way. When you wake up tomorrow, repeat that mantra if you feel the same way.
In a month or a year from now, you may feel differently. Who knows? He may write you a letter of apology and tell you why he was acting like such a horse's azz for so long. Then you can rethink your options at that time. But for today, you're done being his doormat.
That's the best idea on how to approach a difficult situation such as this, in my opinion. Not with a 'forever' or 'never again' attitude, but with a For Today attitude only. For 24 hours, anything is doable and won't kill us. It's kind of like the "how do you eat an elephant?" analogy: one bite at a time. Otherwise, eating the whole elephant will choke you to death. You're best off taking this matter with your brother in small, manageable bites instead.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. And my deepest condolences for all the loss you've experienced in your life.
Although I’m on the outside looking in, what I’m seeing is jealousy. I’m sure it hurts but, you have to continue to “love yourself” enough to not allow his jealousy to make or even keep you depressed. Stay strong, continue growing what I call “ thick skin”
( laugh/ smile in his face so to speak) even if you have to bury your head and cry in your pillow at night.
Your mom made you executor so walk tall. Because he’s older he probably feels it should have been him.
Feelings don’t fade easily, only time and your perceptions make that decision. Until then, kill him with kindness and keep it moving!
Find a support team/ system and find your peace and keep your sanity. Guard your heart and keep your emotions neutral. It’s his choice to bring this chaos, confusion and division not yours. Not having a relationship with him is your choice and you have that right, family or not!
Wishing you the best outcome 💕
Mom asked me to sell the majority of all the furniture and take many trips to goodwill as she had to sell the house due to finances. I did everything just as she wished me to do. In 2020 after 5 years of NC, mom gets an email from her stating I had destroyed her and my dad's life and was stealing her money as she saw on line where I signed the closing documents on mom's home. The money is in an irrevocable trust and I have not touched it. Sadly, my sister was disinherited in 2008 long before they were dx with dementia when she previously went NC right after my daddy had 3 heart surgeries in 2005/06.
All of that said, no matter how hard you try (care giving 7 years and handling the estate), siblings will think what they want whether it is truth or not. I know it is easier said than done but self care and accept where the relationship is now and grieve. Big hugs to you. :D
Please be careful when it comes to tge estate sale. My experience is the main reason people seem so helpful and pleasant while taking in this job is because they are hoping to get more than their fair share of the proceeds of the estate sale. This happened to me. Unfortunately, greed is a horrible thing and sometimes it takes over in a person to the detriment of all else.
Good luck with dealing with all of this. I understand you are mourning your parents’ deaths and you have my condolences. I would suggest that it is likely a good thing that your parents are not alive to see how your sibling is treating you…I’m sure it would make them very sad.
Was he a spoiled brat who always got his own way growing up? My guess is he was. He very likely also bullied your parents too.
He can hire all the lawyers he wants. Your parents' estate is not obligated to pay for any of them.
DO NOT hand over any documents at all. No information either. If your parents made a Will and you are named as the Executor, you do not owe him an explanation for anything.
If you have a copy of your parents' Will, take it to the probate court and explain to them what is going on. Have them file the Will also. They will advise you.
His legal fees do not come out of the estate. He pays those himself. So if he wants to burn through his share of the inheritance trying to intimidate you with his lawyers, let him. Laugh right in his face. Then put him out of your life. Send him a card over the holidays once a year.
Also Dr Ramani and narcissists. Good info there too. All on youtube.
Make sure you get cameras and change locks on house. Keep checking the house. Dont bother to tell him you got cameras. Dont speak to him.
The lawyer is worth it, because you will be bullied by 2. You need to know your rights. Let the lawyer talk to other lawyer.
I would block his calls. They can send emails or letter. Court is not that big of a deal. I went thru it. Same deal as you. Dont go by what is seen on tv. Its nothing like real court. Wasnt scary at all. Don't answer door if he shows up. You don't need the stress. Death is stressful enough. So what if you have to go to court and lawyers are involved. That way your rights are taken care of. You dont know, what you dont know about the law and your rights. I was told all sorts of falsehoods and denied information I had a right to. Do not waste time. Get a lawyer right away. Mine said, i could have helped you, if you came to me sooner. Let a lawyer deal with him. Trust me, they will see right thru him. When they ask a question in court, answer that question. Do not elaborate. Stick to the answer and be very short with it. Do not get emotional.
He doesn't get to demand you turn over anything. That is for a court to decide. Even if his lawyer demands it. Wait for court and your lawyer. If you don't get one, you will be walked all over, because you don't know the law.
The relationship was never good to begin with. Deal in reality. Stop morning what was never there. I got caught up in that. I realize now it was never there and never will be there. All the way back to childhood, it was never good. Your parents allowed that. He was jealous of you then. That is why the hate and jealousy. It will never end and never stop. Give it up. A close relationship will never happen when someone is so jealous of your life. No matter how nice you are. It's a 4yr old tantrum in an adult body.
Same thing happened to me. No relationship means calm, peace, no fighting, no one trying to control me, and what information I'm allowed to know. The peace is worth it. Give up the dream of a happy relationship. It was never there, and never will be. Turn over whatever you must to your lawyer. Not to brother. Your lawyer protects you. I've been there. I know all about it. If you need to have a good cry, and then thats it. You are not alone in having a screwed up family. It happens more than you know. So your not the only one. Getting a lawyer is the best decision I ever made. Good luck.
Make sure you get cameras and change locks on house. The lawyer is worth it, because you will be bullied by 2. You need to know your rights. Let the lawyer talk to other lawyer.
I would block his calls. They can send emails or letter. Court is not that bog of a deal. I went thru it. Dont go by what is seen on tv. Its nothing like real court. Wasnt scary at all. Don't answer door if he shows up. You don't need the stress. Death is stressful enough. So what if you have to go to court and lawyers are involved. That way your rights are taken care of. You dont know, what you dont know. Let a lawyer deal with him. Trust me, they will see right thru him.
He doesn't get to demand you turn over anything. Tht is for a court to decide. Even if his lawyer demands it. Wait for court and your lawyer. If you don't get one, you will be walked all over, because you don't know the law.
The relationship was never good to begin with. All the way back to childhood. He was jealous of you then. That is why the hate and jealousy. It will never end and never stop. Give it up. A close relationship will never happen when someone is so jealous of your life. No matter how nice you are. It's a 4yr old tantrum in an adult.
Same thing happened to me. No relationship means calm, peace, no fighting, no one trying to control me, and what information I'm allowed to know. The peace is worth it. Give up the dream of a happyrelationship. It was never there, and never will be. Turn over whatever you must to your lawyer. Not to brother. Your lawyer protects you. I've been there. I know all about it. Good luck.
Phooey.
Do not respond any more. It drives me nuts when people especially women call the person they don't want to speak with just to tell them that they are not going to speak to them. Not classy. It screams maybe he'll be nice to me this time. Make me crazy.
Shut that door!!!
If you must make one last utterance, tell him - "Listen, when you're ready to stop wasting our money to your lawyer who will stretch this forever, not for you but for his own benefit, contact me". Or "Only call me when you are serious about not syphoning our parent's money into your lawyers bank". Or give him your lawyer's number and tell him, "In the interest of getting this over and done with as quickly as possible let's spend all our money on lawyers so if you want to talk with me, don't. Have a good life. I'm done".
Try to speak to the probate clerk first. Sometimes they're wonderfully helpful.
I’m sorry for your loss and to hear the way he’s acting. This is so common in families. I wish you the best of luck moving on
May your journey be filled with wonderful memories of happier times as you navigate this rite of passage.
You posed the question -
"Any thoughts on how you stop caring about someone and disconnect emotionally?"
There is a book about implementing "NO CONTACT" titled "But It's Your Family! Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath" by Sherrie Campbell. I believe I read about the book on this forum, bought one for myself and one for my husband because he is on this journey with me and also being adversely affected by my SIBLINGS actions. (Amazon)
Sounds like the typical scapegoating from an unconscious, toxic family member.
Unfortunately, we are not alone in this exclusive club of dysfunctional family members as evidenced by the replies.
It is said that "Money is the root of all evil..."
My interpretation is that it brings out the evil in humans who worship it.
Another unfortunate fact is that your SIBLING (not a loyal, loving brother but possibly a person you incarnated onto the planet with to work through your own issues) has brought the legal system into your family drama so you will be required to address that with your legal representative and a judge will ultimately decide how to close the estate and distribute to the heirs.
The legal system is not interested in the emotional aspect of the family drama, they are there to administer the law based on your mother's written directives in estate documents or the state laws where she passed if she didn't have estate planning directives.
Love is a word, feeling and action.
Does the actions of your SIBLING express or feel like love?
Elie Wiesel, prolific writer and Holocaust survivor famously said,
“the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.”
So the process and action of detaching from someone you have loved must eventually include indifference (to what they think, say or do.)
You can still love your sibling...but out of an abundance of caution in self preservation, it will most likely have to be from a distance with no contact.
The only caveat is "if" your sibling comes to you and acknowledges his actions that have deeply wounded you, sincerely apologizes for the wrongs he has committed, corrects what he can and stops doing them.
Then you must decide if he is sincere, can be trusted again and start afresh.
Sadder but wiser.
The book "But it's Your Family" gives you a roadmap to "NO CONTACT" and your freedom from toxic behavior.
Good luck on your journey...
Follow your heart, but don't forget to take your brain with you.
May you grow from the struggle of learning how to "let go" and "let God" figure out the messy bits.
Blessings.
i am so sorry for your loss, and praying for you to be comforted by the Comforter. God bless you.
Glad to see you are getting therapy. I have chuckled with others like me who have also sought therapy that isn't it peculiar people who are needing therapy about people who should be going to therapy?!
At 60 years old, I have experienced a similar relationship as you have--my brother is 16 months older than me. I think it started when I grew taller than him in the 10th grade and I went to college and he didn't....that is the tip of the issues. I have come to terms that my brother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I did not realize it until I read about it in another post in a private caregiver support group.
My values have always been to love and respect family. Be a role model for your own children. In result I have endured a very toxic relationship for most of my life with my brother. But after therapy, I came to the realization that the toxicity is too much to manage and is doing more damage than good. Therefore, I back away from him and only communicate through his wife for any care issues with my mom. He fought back many times with my decision to only communicate with my sister in law until he gave up and retreated. I must tell you---I have never felt so good. My mother still gets the best care we can give her (he is a local "caregiver" who really does not do much and I am a long distance caregiver).
My brother has made it clear to me he resents my parents made me POA, Health proxy, and executor. He has some mental issues for sure. He is toxic. These are facts. I have learned that they are not my issues. They are his. And if I see it clearly this way, then others do as well like his own kids who I hope to keep a good relationship with . Time will tell. But for now, my sanity is intact, I am very positive, and every day is a great day knowing I will not experience unwanted and dangerous toxicity.
I hope you will discover the same.
Thanks for sharing.
By know means, can I say words, to removed your pain but as I was reading your feed, something, kept popping up, in my mind. Forgiveness, is for her and not her brother. I truly don’t think, she’s ready, to move on and finally, gaining wealth, from other people worthy goods, will not resolve, their issues.
I learned, in my 66 years, that we can not control another person. The only thing, we can control is, the way we react and handle any given situation. Don’t allow another, to control, your life.
Disclaimer: cliche
What the mind believe and conceived, it will be achieve..
Much ❤️
This I don't understand. I went to Probate with Moms Will making me Executor. I was Okd right then and there. There was no hearing. I was given a Short Certificate to handle Moms finances, etc. Were you POA for Mom and that is why brother is asking for an accounting? Because, there is no estate accounting until Probate is coming to a close. You pay any outstanding bills. Sell what you need to. The lawyer will do an accounting. It will be sent to ur brother as a beneficiary, and he signs it. This is when he makes any contesting.
If you were handling Moms finances before her death why can't you provide the information he is requesting. I kept all Moms statements during the time I took over her checking account. I did nothing without writing a check. You saw the money coming in and the money going out. If I bought her anything out of pocket, I wrote myself a check once a month. I put the receipts in an envelope with the check # and month on the outside of the envelope.
Maybe he feels he should have been Executor. You can decline and allow him to do all the work. Just because its in the Will does not mean you have to accept the responsibility.
You may want your lawyer to write his lawyer telling him that because of brother holding up Probate it is costing the estate in Lawyer fees. You do not pay these fees, the estate does. Dear brother will get less inheritance. Maybe he thinks you are out of the money but your not. When the accounting is done lawyer fees come out of the estate. So letting this contesting to go on is costing him personally because he does have to pay his lawyer and costing him less in his inheritance. You as Executor should have no out of pocket when dealing with the estate. I had out of pocket for paying bills for Moms house once Mom was on Medicaid. My out of pocket was in the final accting.
At this point, I would not have him involved. Give him the bank statements. If brother has a key to moms house, change the locks. Ask him if there is anything he would like of your parents and have him pick it up by a certain date. Then have your estate sale. Get the house sold. Pay no taxes, they will be included in the final accting. If you need to leave the lights and water on to sell, those bills I would pay out of the estate. With my Mom there was no money so I paid and got it back in the accounting.
Once all is said and done, I would just let brother seek you out. I may send a Christmas card/Birthday card once a year but I would not try to mend fences. He tore those fences down, he can build them up. I don't know what you call people like your brother. It seems you doing or saying something they don't like sets them off. And it could be something you did or said innocently. Me, I stay away from these types of personalities. They are too unpredictable and I can't deal with that. He is mad that u were made Executor. He can't take it out on ur parents so he is taking it out on you.
While I've drawn up my boundaries I'm still sad and feel lonely. My mom died and my connection to any family also died. I feel like I have no family. Yeah, we may communicate at Christmas but that's about it. I sometimes think about offering an olive branch but then stop myself cause truly they should be offering me one and I'm not holding my breath for that to happen.
How do you stop caring about someone and disconnect emotionally? Very slowly and carefully. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. Don't close the door totally yet if you feel there is some hope left in salvaging the relationship but if it ever comes to that make sure it's on your terms so you don't get hurt again.
The last 2-1/2 years of her life he only 'allowed her' to go to BINGO at the Sr Center and only for 1 hr once a week (sometimes). He would take her grocery shopping but she had to remain in the car. If people came to visit he'd hover around and make sure they wore masks and didn't stay long. Long after she'd been vaxxed and life was kind of back to normal. He ruled with fear. And it worked!
He and I butted heads a LOT. Sometimes I'd just give up and give him 6+ months of zero help. Mom didn't miss me, but I know it was hard on YB to do all this caregiving alone. He just drove me insane so much of the time.
He DID take care of mom for 24 years and I am grateful for that. All us sibs are. But he made visiting mom in her apartment so unpleasant--you just didn't want to hang around. I don't think mom ever guessed.
I have absolutely no reason to talk to him or spend time with him if I don't choose. That is my reward to myself for putting up with his bullying and weird behaviors.
IDK. She was tired. She was ready to go and we were ready to let her. YB had her apartment completed gutted and all her things hauled away within 24 hrs. I know that's how he grieved, but it was really hard on the rest of us.
I'm not 'disowning' him. I'm just going to take a year off and not see him. He needs counseling in the worst way and won't get it.
Just as I predicted, my family is starting to fracture. I wouldn't be surprised if I never spoke to him or my YS again. It's not what I'd choose, but it's the reality of things.
Stop engaging with your brother. Recognize that you love him but don't like him and stop talking to him. Don't initiate contact - easy now that he's lawyered up - and don't answer his attempts at contact. Just have your lawyer do it for you.
Your brother sounds like a manipulative person who also has a need to control the other person in a relationship. It's unhealthy for you to be in any relationship with someone like him. So just stop and recognize that this is the pattern you have with him because you keep going back for more. He wouldn't be able to treat you the way he does if you don't engage.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with him. He's just not capable of it with you. Perhaps, it's also that way in his other relationships, but that's not your problem. Your problem is how he treats you. So, just consider him dead to you, mourn the loss, and move on with your life.