My parents currently live with my husband and me. My dad has lived with us for 4 1/2 years and my mother has lived with us for 14 months. After my dad was living with us for about 3 years, I asked my mother to start giving us $100 per month. Then when she moved in, I told her she needed to give us more. Now they give us $200/month. I use their debit card to purchase things that only they use, but we pay for everything else. They do not feel they cost us any more than the $200/month they give us. I figured out all our household expenses (gas, electric, water, property taxes, homeowners insurance, food, etc.) and figured out that each person in the household costs $561.50. I want my parents to start giving us $1100/month. They feel that is excessive and don't want to give it to us. They still have their house - my mother goes there every day to pay her bills, go through paperwork, eat lunch and nap. She does not want to empty it and sell it. Their income is $3300/month - 2 social security checks and a tiny pension check. My husband is retired and only has social security. He does work a part-time job delivering pizzas. He is home with my parents all day. I work full-time but don't make a ton of money. After caring for them for all this time with such little compensation, we are really struggling financially, not to mention emotionally. There is no way they could live in an AL facility for $1100/month and get the kind of care they get living with us. Are we unreasonable to want them to give us more money?
Your mother is not going to give you more money just because you ask.
Forget about the facts and figures.
You can charge whatever you like just like she can pay whatever she likes if you are willing to put up with it.
So far she wins because you put up with it.
You have not given her a compelling reason to give you more money.
For her, a compelling reason is because she HAS to give you money or else something worse will happen. Something will cost her more.
Something like you are going to move or you are going to evict her/them. Some threat that is here and now.
She is saving her money for her old age. For when she has worked you and your husband into the ground and wants to make sure she can still take care of herself.
Since you mention that she goes home and pays her bills, I assume that means that dad has never in the near five years, changed his address?
I suppose that their SS checks and pension (whose pension is it anyway? ) are directly deposited into an account where the statement goes to next door?
Could you even prove (on paper) that they live with you?
On paper it probably looks like she’s a very nice mother who gives you $200 each month out of the kindness of her heart.
I think you need an attorney.
Your mother holds all the cards. If she were giving you the money you requested, without a legal document, it would look like gifting. Gifting could keep them from being eligible for Medicaid. They will have an event that requires greater care. The proper documents could protect you and them.
And they can pay for the attorney.
They go home, you don’t need an attorney. They are the ones with the problem. They are the ones asking for help and deciding what your time is worth. What your life is worth.
You and your husband are the ones allowing it to happen.
Are you on the bank account? Are you in the will? Do you have a financial or medical POA for either of them? What visible signs do you have to show that she values your and your family’s sacrifice?
Personally I wouldn’t want her to sell her house. I would want her in it.
Robin. The tail is wagging the dog. Your parents need help. This is their responsibility. Not yours. Why else would they be living in your home if theirs sits next door?! They must pay their own way.
I’m just being silly here but what if you just went to her house each evening? Ate her food, took your bath, did your laundry, watched a little tv and went to bed? Less crowded over there. A little quieter. Next morning get up and have breakfast for one or you could invite hubby over. Oh and be sure to let her know that you are out of eggs so she can pick some up for you.
If their income is $3300 and they paid you $1100, is the remaining $2200 enough for them to maintain their bills and upkeep on the home they still have? If it is, then they have probably been creating quite a savings account over the years. It may be time to use it.
Perhaps they can return home and start paying for in home health care. If your mom goes there all the time to pay bills, etc, she seems to be doing ok as far as getting to the house, managing paperwork, etc. If there is a reason they don't need to be living there, even with the help, then try the conversation that you/your husband will be working more hours to make ends meet and they will need to start paying someone to come to your house each day to help with their care. Then hire a temp to see how it goes. They might realize how much caregiving workers get paid.
Robin 316's mother sounds like a bullying "bi**h". Perhaps your FIL has always been good to you and to your husband. Perhaps he has given you and your husband money through the years or has even helped send your children through college. Perhaps your FIL is wealthy. (You did say that he has a good pension). You probably will be paid one way or another---whatever he is not giving you now, you will get at least 1/3 back when your FIL dies Perhaps you and your husband are wealthy, you are a stay at home wife and you are a spiritual woman. But you could also be trying to take care of FIL so that there will be more money in his estate which he will live to your husband and your husband's siblings. The old saying: you can pay me now or you can pay me later" Sounds like you could be paid later.(I've seen everything).
Do really think that it is any of your business to tell this poor woman that "asking for $1,100 a month is excessive"? This woman's poor husband is retired at reduced SS benefits and having to deliver pizzas to make ends meet and you 're talking about the sacrifice you've had to make by giving up soaking in the bathtub which you enjoyed so much? "Boo Hoo"!!! You say that you would not dare "ask for a financial contribution". Again, maybe your husband is a businessman and is not on regular SS and certainly not on reduced benefits. Or maybe your husband is retired and gets a good pension.
You may or may not have noticed that you are the only poster who had such a "cavalier" attitude about this poor woman's struggle. And you say "I hope I'm setting a good example for our children"? Good luck on that one. Based on conversations with my friends, if you think that your children will be taking care of you as you say you are taking care of your FIL, you will be sadly disappointed.
however because my husband gets a pension we put everything in his name and get a discounted rate
water
electricity
gas
landline
rates
insurance
The thing that really stuck out to me is that she is not only using you for care, but she is basically using you as a babysitter for your dad, who she doesn’t want to deal with. This is her HUSBAND. Meh marriage or not, she doesn’t get to farm him out to you and your very kind husband while she enjoys quiet time in her little nest.
Did anyone else notice the sudden (and dragged out) need for cataract surgeries in order to get Dad to your house and keep him there? I hate to say it, but this sounds more like a plan she hatched than the normal landing unexpectedly in need.
Not cool. At all.
I hope you can take care of you and protect your health and marriage and that you and hubby can help each other be strong and deal with this... wishing you the best.
By the way, since my original post, she has fallen twice at our house. The first time she fell on our 10 lb. bichon and they both had to go the ER. Ten days later she fell and hit her nose 15 minutes after my husband left to go the grocery store. My dad called me at work and I had to come home (I work 10 mins from home, thankfully) and was able to patch her up OK. She has since seen her primary dr and a neurologist and they both told her she can no longer drive and cannot stay at her house alone (even during the day). This infuriates her, but she has no choice in the matter. She has delirium and extremely poor short-term memory as well difficulty walking.
She is a very mean and nasty person and my husband and I hate her living with us. Even my dad doesn't like her living here. I am an only child and they really don't have very much money. At this point in time, none of us see any other options at this point in time. As her physical & mental health decline, I foresee moving her somewhere else eventually. Thank you very much, everyone!
Please be sure to keep proper records. I don’t mean to cause more trouble for you but I do want to mention that a visit to a certified elder attorney would be a good idea. Since it sounds like your mom will need outside care at some point and your dad will be a community spouse there are steps to be taken that can insure your dad is not left impoverished if and when your mom needs Medicaid for her care. There are many right steps to be taken that can’t be recitified after the fact. Good job on having them pay their own way. They should also pay for the attorney. We don’t know all of the ends and outs of their situation and yours but with the help of an attorney who is well versed in Medicaid law in your state you will be able to manage their care. Come back and let us know how things are going.