How do you figure out what it costs to have your parent(s) live with you?

Gat it in writing and in a legitimate "Caregiver's Contract", that way your Parents will be covered if they ever need to apply for Medicaid. Keep good records of all expenses too!

Thank you all for your many very helpful answers. To give you all an update, I gave my parents the calculations (on paper) showing what it costs to have them live with us. I compromised and told them that starting May 1st, I wanted $800/month from them. My father absolutely agreed. He said there is no way they could live anywhere for that kind of money. My mother argued and complained, but I did not back down. I told her if she didn't give me a check that night, I was driving them both back to their house the next day.

By the way, since my original post, she has fallen twice at our house. The first time she fell on our 10 lb. bichon and they both had to go the ER. Ten days later she fell and hit her nose 15 minutes after my husband left to go the grocery store. My dad called me at work and I had to come home (I work 10 mins from home, thankfully) and was able to patch her up OK. She has since seen her primary dr and a neurologist and they both told her she can no longer drive and cannot stay at her house alone (even during the day). This infuriates her, but she has no choice in the matter. She has delirium and extremely poor short-term memory as well difficulty walking.

She is a very mean and nasty person and my husband and I hate her living with us. Even my dad doesn't like her living here. I am an only child and they really don't have very much money. At this point in time, none of us see any other options at this point in time. As her physical & mental health decline, I foresee moving her somewhere else eventually. Thank you very much, everyone!

Robin we are all wondering what you decided to do. Any decision after all our suggestions?

I charge my mother 350 dollars a month rent and 1/2 the utility bill to include cable and land line and I also charge her on a variable scale an average of 25 dollars a day for caregiving and I hire another caregiver to do the heavy lifting at times with me being the backup my mother is paralyzed from her arm pits down I took her out of the nursing home after my siblings decision to place her there without consulting ALL family members to determine the best for Mother going forward and now she has been living with me for 14 months already and one sister hasn’t bothered to call her or visit since I took her out of the nursing home. She lives two blocks from my house. She was fired and can not get over it.

I haven't read all the responses but my take on this is that trying to figure out what is the added cost to you is the wrong strategy, instead you need to base the amount on what they would be paying for room, board and care if they were on their own out in the community, and almost always family caregivers are a bargain in comparison. Why should anyone ever expect to get a free ride while they have enough to top up their savings account or blow money on non necessities?

True, that’s a bargain price! My mom should pay too but she doesn’t get a big social security check. It’s hard. I hope they eventually see that it’s a burden for you and hubby.

Well I have my mother living with me and I charge her 350 a month for room rent and I have a written agreement to backup rent and utilities I also make 25 dollars a day for caregiving as she is completely depending on me including meal preparation and changing her as needed but on average 4 times a day I also transport her to adult daycare three times a week to give her some social life.

I agree with the posters who said you are absolutely not being unreasonable. That being said, I would have them move back to their home... this does not sound like a good combo for you as they get worse, no matter how much they pay you.

The thing that really stuck out to me is that she is not only using you for care, but she is basically using you as a babysitter for your dad, who she doesn’t want to deal with. This is her HUSBAND. Meh marriage or not, she doesn’t get to farm him out to you and your very kind husband while she enjoys quiet time in her little nest.

Did anyone else notice the sudden (and dragged out) need for cataract surgeries in order to get Dad to your house and keep him there? I hate to say it, but this sounds more like a plan she hatched than the normal landing unexpectedly in need.

Not cool. At all.

I hope you can take care of you and protect your health and marriage and that you and hubby can help each other be strong and deal with this... wishing you the best.

Please try to move them back to their own home. Taking money from them now will only make things worse. I can't imagine parents not wanting to pay their own children who have generously taken them into a home with built-in caregiving. You and your husband do not owe them anything. Don't let them get a stronger foothold than they already have. Your mother is being totally unreasonable and selfish. I feel bad for your dad, but you're too young to be giving up your life to care for them. Consider telling them you've decided to not raise their rent because you are longer willing to have them in your home. Seriously, nip it in the bud. It's not going to get better. Only worse. Much much worse!

It seems like you have to get your mom especially an ultimatum if she expects you to take care of her and live with you. If she still pays bills on her own house, why can’t she rent it out, and give your family the money you need?

Husband and I share a house with my son and his family we split all utilities 50/50
however because my husband gets a pension we put everything in his name and get a discounted rate
water
electricity
gas
landline
rates
insurance

They should be giving you more money. Good grief. Why did you agree to this? How are you even managing financially? Your poor DH has to deliver pizzas.

My god, you should have much, much more money coming to you. Why on earth did you allow them to live with you in the first place if they have a house. Obviously your mother seems quite capable. Think what you would get if an outside tenant lived with you. And you and your husband are struggling so much now and that is just wrong. Sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms - they have a house. Sell it and use the money for their care - if with you, you are going to charge them each $1,000 a month or whatever it would be for two of them. Tell them if they do not do this, they will be put out of your home and into a facility. I bet they will jump to pay you the rent.

I have my father in law living with us. We gave up our master bedroom with en suite bedroom so he doesn’t have to go up and downstairs everyday. With that, I gave up my bathtub since upstairs bath ha shower only. I’ve always enjoyed my tub since that was how I relaxed. I also gave up privacy of being a couple with my husband and I. We are shadowed all the time. With that said, I cook every night for FIL. I set table. Husband cleans up after dinner. Husband and I do all the housework. FIL only makes his own bed. That’s it. He has a good pension and he sends money each month to his daughter who is not financially secure although she owns her house and bought a new car. We bring FIL to church most weeks, bring him to all Dr appts, haircut appointments and bring him wherever he needs to go. I buy him clothes when needed. Once in a blue moon his other son will drop,by and bring him on an appointment but other than that he does not help,us at all. We take complete care of him. We do not charge him any money nor has he offered. When we go out to dinner sometimes he picks up the check. When we bring him to pharmacy he will pay for his own things. I mostly do groceries without him because it takes so long to go with him. But when we do, he pays for his own group,of things he likes. But most of the time I pay for all our groceries. When I start resenting my FIL it’s not bout the money but out of the principle that he doesn’t think about contributing financially or with things like setting the table. I have to remind myself he is 85 and without us he would not have the life he has. I hope I’m setting a good example to our children. It is not easy being a caregiver and you give up so much but I don’t think money would fix that. I wouldn’t dare ask for a financial contribution but you could track what you buy strictly for them. I do think asking 1,100 a month is excessive. Could 500 a month rent ( per couple, not each) work for you? That would be strictly rent which includes utilities. Then after that they would cover their own expenses for food and incidentals or you can break it out by charging a flat fee for the draining around you do, their food and incidentals they use each month. But put it out all on paper. Good luck.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. The questions are: Do you forsee if they be returning to their home and if not then you must have the talk preferably with a professional of having them accept that they need assistance in ADL or assisted living; then you may have to be their POA to get the funds needed to maintain their living expenses so you all will not be in a position of financial hardship as their medical needs are changing. I made the mistake and waited too late and when a tragic situation presented itself, I was not ready financially or emotionally. Sometimes you have to force the issue and let the chips fall where they may because it is now about their care and if they have 3300 p/m then they have to share the expenses equally for all so it is not on just you and your husband while trying to take care of them. It is obvious that they do not realize the ramifications of the level of care they are receiving so legally you have to put these systems in place. Your husband should not be delivering pizzas and taking care of your parents. That is too much and God bless him for helping out but that is unrealistic when your parents are home with you. Also you sound like a person who does not want to take their parents money but sometimes a fair a equitable share is for the good of everyone involved so take control and avoid these perceptions because the care factor is real and you have to think about your family as well as your parents.

Not unreasonable, but going from a couple hundred to over a grand a month is going to be a shocker to them. Dividing utilities and food by 4 sounds reasonable, but leave out the taxes and home insurance. Those you have to pay whether they are with you or not. You have the debit card, so figure out what utils/food is per person and use the debit card for that amount. Say these expenses are $400 per couple. Buy $400 of household groceries each month. And also buy the things only they use with the debit card, just as you've been doing. Doing it that way wouldn't be such a shocker and would probably be easier for both of them to see clearly that it is fair. Keep a record of this for them and if you have siblings who may not see you are being compensated for their items only -- some siblings will NEVER see what your time/work has been worth.

If their income is $3300 and they paid you $1100, is the remaining $2200 enough for them to maintain their bills and upkeep on the home they still have? If it is, then they have probably been creating quite a savings account over the years. It may be time to use it.
Perhaps they can return home and start paying for in home health care. If your mom goes there all the time to pay bills, etc, she seems to be doing ok as far as getting to the house, managing paperwork, etc. If there is a reason they don't need to be living there, even with the help, then try the conversation that you/your husband will be working more hours to make ends meet and they will need to start paying someone to come to your house each day to help with their care. Then hire a temp to see how it goes. They might realize how much caregiving workers get paid.

Robin
Your mother is not going to give you more money just because you ask.
Forget about the facts and figures.
You can charge whatever you like just like she can pay whatever she likes if you are willing to put up with it.

So far she wins because you put up with it.

You have not given her a compelling reason to give you more money.

For her, a compelling reason is because she HAS to give you money or else something worse will happen. Something will cost her more.

Something like you are going to move or you are going to evict her/them. Some threat that is here and now.

She is saving her money for her old age. For when she has worked you and your husband into the ground and wants to make sure she can still take care of herself.

Since you mention that she goes home and pays her bills, I assume that means that dad has never in the near five years, changed his address?

I suppose that their SS checks and pension (whose pension is it anyway? ) are directly deposited into an account where the statement goes to next door?

Could you even prove (on paper) that they live with you?

On paper it probably looks like she’s a very nice mother who gives you $200 each month out of the kindness of her heart.

I think you need an attorney.

Your mother holds all the cards. If she were giving you the money you requested, without a legal document, it would look like gifting. Gifting could keep them from being eligible for Medicaid. They will have an event that requires greater care. The proper documents could protect you and them.

And they can pay for the attorney.

They go home, you don’t need an attorney. They are the ones with the problem. They are the ones asking for help and deciding what your time is worth. What your life is worth.

You and your husband are the ones allowing it to happen.

Are you on the bank account? Are you in the will? Do you have a financial or medical POA for either of them? What visible signs do you have to show that she values your and your family’s sacrifice?
Personally I wouldn’t want her to sell her house. I would want her in it.

Robin. The tail is wagging the dog. Your parents need help. This is their responsibility. Not yours. Why else would they be living in your home if theirs sits next door?! They must pay their own way.

I’m just being silly here but what if you just went to her house each evening? Ate her food, took your bath, did your laundry, watched a little tv and went to bed? Less crowded over there. A little quieter. Next morning get up and have breakfast for one or you could invite hubby over. Oh and be sure to let her know that you are out of eggs so she can pick some up for you.

No, you are not unreasonable to want them to give you more money. Their contribution to the family is not in line with either their income or their expenses. It sounds like they are taking advantage of you and your husband. Ask them to either pay or move back to their own house and see what happens. I personally wouldn't argue with them over the amount that is fair, or right. That will be a never-ending argument. It sounds like you are being quite reasonable. Either they agree to your request, or they don't.

My mother was going to move in with us, and I asked her what she wanted to contribute. She was willing to give us what she paid at her independent living facility. Ultimately she decided to stay there as she wanted her independence. Now she's an invalid, but she worked it out so that she has care and a bit of independence. She'll be 100 in 2 months. They can do it if they really want to.

How bout you give them the option to pay their way with you or move into an independent or assisted living facility where they will pay the whole tab?
Sorry but imo the present situation is ridiculous. They aren’t indigent and are costing you money.
I wouldn’t give them the option of moving back to their house. That needs to go unless they are willing to pay all expenses for it PLUS all lawn care, maintenance, weekly housekeeping , some kind of delivered meals. There was a reason they moved in with you, if they couldn’t meet their own needs then , they can’t meet them now and considering they don’t want to pay you now ,if you don’t step away from the train wreck now, you’ll get roped into doing it for free.

Where in Gods name could the parents live for that low amount?
They are moochers, I live with my son and his wife, have my own space, am independent except for transporting to doctors. They are loving and concerned. I give my total so check to my son, ( 1400) a month, he gives me a
generous allowance with a debit card of my own.
I am so grateful, it’s time for a reality check, why are they still using their home? Taxes, utilities, no way!
The stress you are enduring is not worth taking care of parents that are not grateful and at least paying their own way, never mind using your frugal means to pad their income.
This is not a matter of abuse on your side, they are abusing you. You need intervention to explain the situation to them. Good luck!

I would find a good housekeeper/aid and move them back to their own home.

No wonder no one can deal with mom, she is a classic narcissist and you do not have to give them a relatively free place to live.

Forget about getting paid, get them out, she will only get worse and if it's hard now imagine her believing that she is the mistress of your house.

So, in home care, they pay for and you visit when you choose.

You are a grown woman and the time of her telling you how to live your life has long since passed. Get her out, should be easy, load everything up when she goes home for the day and make a delivery while someone is at your house re-keying locks.

Sometimes dealing with this type of person it requires extreme measures and it sounds like you are there.

What we did when Mom moved in with me:
Kept her condo, updated it and rented it out
I manage all the finances, which means I pay her condo expenses (taxes, common charges) out of her accounts. I pay my co-op maintenance out of my account.
Things that are just for her: commode, shower chair, home aides, etc. come out of her account/credit card (which I pay for from her accounts)
Things that are just for me, I pay for.
Things we both use: food, electricity, phone, cable, etc., I split.

Works well for us.
Periodically I go over her finances with her, and luckily, because of what she has coming in, we've been able to maintain a status quo, but by all means they should be paying more than $100/month, although not necessarily a full "roommate" share if they can't afford. More if they can.

I can go both ways on this... my mother lives with me, and I pay all the bills, she pays monthly electric bill. I can’t tell you how much food she wastes too. BUT...she saves almost every penny of my father’s pension and socks it away in a savings account that she wants to “give to you kids”. She also sold her condo, and finally let me downsize her “stuff” down to where I know where everything is..every paper, every account, every last piece of furniture, which she basically kept her bedroom furniture. I am content to do this because I know NH time is coming, and she does not have insurance, and will have to go private pay. I rather pay a bit extra monthly now on my living expenses, and not have to pay exorbitant NH rates, which I have gotten a reality check on since my father had to go to a full care facility. However, for the OP: You must set boundaries. Your mother needs to sell her home and you put that money into an account to pay her bills and rent to you. What’s happening isn’t fair to you or hubby, and you are going to have to be fierce about it. If they refuse, they have to find new living arrangements, and you can help them with that. Be strong! Best wishes.

No they must accept reality and be willing to help you out you have done way to much already for nothing but you must get it in writing as to what they will pay you or else it could be contested down the road later.

So many parents of adult children living at home face this same situation – how much “rent” to charge them, what will it cover, & just how cushy do you want to make it for them. The very 1st thing you should acknowledge in your mind is that it is YOUR home – you & your husband’s – and you have graciously opened it up to your parents. Your mother has made up her mind to keep her options open & have a place to escape. Yeah, well, that ain’t working for you anymore. Time to make changes. This must be awful for your husband who is home with them so much more than you are. 

Before you do anything regarding finances, you & your husband need to agree upon whether you want your parents to stay living there or not. Again, it is YOUR home & you 2 get to make the decision, not your parents. If you’re not sure, waffling back & forth between the 2 options, writing down the pros & cons of each scenario might help you. Being a list maker, it always helped me. Would you be able to financially afford the house if they weren’t there? Would you downsize if they moved? Those are 2 big questions couples our age are starting to ask ourselves. And this decision regarding your parents impacts your retirement life as well. 

Regardless of whether you decide to let them stay or not, an elder care lawyer is a must. They will help you navigate this and come up with a fair solution. It might be suggested the past money spent is just that – gone & done with – a bad decision – move on from it. Yeah, it’s hard, especially since you wouldn’t have done it on your own. Don’t waste time or emotion on it anymore. Use that for what is next. 

Whatever the decision, “Mom & Dad, we can no longer support you financially and physically. Changes have to be made and these are them.” Of course there will be wailing & whatnot – and why shouldn’t there be? Their cushy life AT YOUR EXPENSE is coming to an end. “We can’t afford that because we have our own house to pay bills on.” Well, then, LIVE there or sell it & live elsewhere (or here). Would an ALF take that excuse as to why they can’t pay their expected monthly expense? Would paid caregivers? Heck, would a restaurant after eating there? Time to buckle up, Buttercup. A therapist can help you with that – you have every right to your expectations. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Mom is a bully, always has been, and knows she can wear you down. You can’t change her; you can only change your reaction. I don’t care how old your parents are & how much time they have or don’t have left. Your time left & life now matter, too. 

I’m truly sorry if this comes across terrible. I have faced the same decision with my in-laws and I understand the frustration. No, they didn’t live with us, but they certainly expected us to stop our lives so they could continue living their lives in the way they were accustomed to living them. I felt disloyal and like a bad person because I didn’t feel comfortable setting boundaries and putting our lives first. This forum gave me the strength to set those boundaries and push back in order to keep them. Again, YOU MATTER. 

P.S. I’m in the “they pay half of all household expenses” camp (well maybe not the property tax but everything else) AND for paid caregivers.  You can negotiate your way down from there if you are willing. This is reality; time for everyone to face it.

I agree with JoAnn, and maybe more.  Can't read them all right now, as I soon have to take hubby to his Cancer Doc an hour and 20 min. away.

When my aunt was still able to think and make decisions, she went with us to an Elder Lawyer who knew state law, and federal.  First, the lawyer took Rose alone to make decision that Rose was competent, then together they rewrote her will.  Next, they rejoined us and she asked if we were all willing for Rose to pay us one third of our  groceries, and utilities bills. That got put in writing.  If not, then we should get paid more and use it as income, and pay taxes on it.  We all agreed, and it was WAY more than $100 a month.  She did not pay any of our property tax, as that wouldn't change if she lived with us or not.  Good luck, and make the decision fair, written and witnessed.

Robin, my understanding is that your financial situation has changed since your husband was forced to retire early. You can no longer afford the costs of maintaining your home regardless of whether your parents live there or not. This is why you need them to pay their share of the total costs, not just the additional expenses.

If my understanding is correct, perhaps you need to explain to your mother that you and your husband are now faced with a difficult financial decision. You may need to decide to sell your home and find something less expensive just for the two of you. Another option would be for your parents to contribute their share of the total living expenses. This way you are making adult financial decisions and not asking for a bail out. Give them a deadline, they would need to be out before the house goes on the market.

You should also be receiving an hourly wage from the state for taking care of your parents. Have you checked with the state. It’s costing me 5,000 a month in Seattle for my mom’s care out of her home. People can apply at the state to get paid for taking care of a elderly family member. They could also get food stamps. Etc I’d check into it.

No you and not unreasonable in wanting more than they currently give. You could be considered unreasonable in wanting them to pay the same as you when you would have the costs whether they were there or not. Living with my mother who pays a very nominal amount I know how difficult this can be - we find that she is unable to understand that a) she has never been so well off - as she still has her flat which is rented out so she gets income from that as well as pension. b) That she can afford to spend what she gets on an ongoing basis e.g. pension, attendance allowance, and rent because she is actually saving each month. The difficulty seems to be that she sees only what is in the bank and worries that this won't be enough if she has to go into care. Perhaps a solution to your situation is to rent out your mother's house and the income from that come to you - she will save on the bills and you will get additional "payment" without it apparently affecting what she sees she has. Hope you can find a solution for you all.

No you are not being unreasonable. Living costs money. Have you showed your mother the figures? Does she have a better idea of somewhere they could get this quality of accommodation and support cheaper?

I know it feels cold and hard-nosed, and I know a cynic "is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing," but bills are bills and facts are facts. Even if you and your husband could afford to subsidise them, could your mother give you reasons why you should?

Money is an emotional subject, as your mother shows by her adherence to maintaining a house she doesn't need and - by her own logic, seeing as she feels the amount you're asking for is excessive - can't afford. So try to keep your temper, your sense of humour, and your aim of providing them with good care in mind; but push ahead. This issue needs resolving.