She got sick, didn’t want surgery, and her kids had her have the surgery anyway. They refused to listed to me, my husband, her son wouldn’t even let me talk. His siblings chose for her to have surgery, and now she’s suffering. They expect me to go to the hospital every other day and encourage her to get better and do physical therapy. This 90 year old woman needed to go to heaven, not be rescued by her children. I can’t stand to go to the hospital and watch them force her to do PT “to get better” when she isn’t going to get better. Had they not done the surgery, she could have been kept comfortable and passed away within about two weeks. I can’t sleep at night, I’m so angry. How do I forgive my husband and his siblings for not honoring mom’s wishes? I am afraid that after 40 years I am done with this family. I am so heart broken for what my Mom-in-law is having to go through. And so disappointed in my husband and his siblings.
This is a perfect example why your health directives need to be in writing. Another good reason why you need an advocate for you if you are being “railroaded” by family. Also why you should have a POLST or other directive if you can not speak for yourself. And this information needs to be shared with your doctors.
I can understand your anger but I also understand your husband and his siblings for “wanting to do everything they can” loosing a loved one is difficult and I am sure it is difficult for all of them.
If you can convince them to bring in Hospice or at least Palliative Care that will help keep your MIL comfortable.
((hugs for you and MIL))
Life journey begins and end it will happen to us all.
It sounds like 90 year old Mom is tired,and needs “Her” peace;if it is true that she wishes to pass on.
All involved should give Mom much respect. Continue to give much love to her🌹.
It’s her end of life decision.
God’s peace to you all!!🙏🏾
My mother was very clear that she had had enough and was ready to go when she starting failing and we ended up in the ER with the Drs. saying her #'s were so bad they didn't know how was still with us we moved her to comfort care and they helped her the last few weeks. While I wasn't ready to let her go she was ready and I honored her decision.
Responding to your most recent post. I would suggest your husband, siblings contact hospice.
Perhaps, at home hospice would be best for your MIL.
Best wishes to you and all the family.
How would you feel if YOUR CHILDREN (if you had any) take away your LAST choice in life?
Honoring last wishes is the most loving and caring thing that we can do for someone.
I just lost my dad in December and you only do 2 things in life once and that is lose your mom and dad. You just don't know what you will do or how it will hit you. You lost your mom, so you can understand what they are facing and you are the voice of reason. God bless all of you during this difficult time.
Please consider a hospice facility for her. You all will have 24/7 access and she will get the best care available for her pain. I bet she qualifies based on her condition.
I know that no matter what is decided that The Lord will hold all of you close and give you strength and peace and wisdom to get through. It is such a blessing to know that this is not really goodbye.
Great big warm hug!
One thing I will say to you that I don't think others have yet, is that you have to forgive yourself too. You're very upset inside, however calm you are outside. I read your angst and self blame between the lines. Forgive yourself. Then you may be able to forgive others. Life doesn't come with a play book. You made the best decision you could in the moment. God may using this whole situation for a growth in yourself and others that we cannot yet see. Please forgive yourself.
And visit your loved one but share the caregiving. I pray you can bring her home for her final days because dying in the hospital with only one person allowed at a time is awful for your MIL, you, your hubby, your children who have cared for her also, and all her family.
May God give you peace.
of that. We talked about options. And I’m looking into availability of nurses 24/7 at her own home, as well as a facility. I would love to have her come here, again, and I’m not sure that I am truly actually up for the emotional toll it might take on me. I cannot do it all
by myself, and, because of family circumstances, no other family member is in a position to have her in their home.
I understand how you feel. I adored my mother in law. She had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She suffered horribly. She was much younger than your mother in law and decided that she wanted to fight. She was sent to MD Anderson in Texas. She beat it, and was in remission for five years.
Sadly, the cancer returned with a vengeance. She had an advanced directive that said, ‘NO prolonging of life.’ We did not want her to continue suffering. She was ready to go. She was only 68 when she died.
My mom also had a living will. She died a week ago today. She was 95. I miss her terribly but the last thing that I would have wanted for her was more suffering. She had Parkinson’s disease.
She was in a hospice house shortly before her death and the care was amazing! I am happy to say that mom with dignity and free from her agonizing pain. I highly recommend hospice care for the dying. They are angels.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
If she is going to be on Hospice, ask about Hospice facilities, or doing hospice within a nursing home.
Attempting to care for a dementia patient who is bedbound with an ostomy bag is a job for 3 shifts of young, strong caregivers.
You will have extra sets of eyes with hospice.
Family may say they will "step up" but I guarantee they will drop off, leaving you holding the bag.
Also, if you and DH have this much difficulty with honest communication about hard subjects, please consider getting some professional help with that.
((((Hugs))))))
others.
May God grant you peace and strength during this difficult time. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and your MIL.
God bless you for caring enough to say the hard things to your family and advocating for your MIL.
feom the doctor about how each scenario would look, and I think that gave them pause and information they needed to understand. You are right, it wasn’t malicious, and I knew that before, I was the one who needed to be courageous and step up and have an uncomfortable conversation about it. As her caregiver, it was my place to take that stand.
So, you don't forgive and you do not forget, its been since 2016 and it is still rough. I rarely state my opinion but ehen I do, it brings up bad emotions.
I wish you well.
Discharge to Hospice seems appropriate. You are right. They should have left this poor woman to pass in peace.
Is your MIL on Hospice care going forward?
I wrote this when I had just returned from spending a 12 hour day with Mominlaw, and no one else had seen what I had seen happen to her. I was in agony. We talked Sunday morning. My husband was also very torn, but because is a person who avoids contention at all costs, including with me, he wasn’t sure what way to go or what to choose. When we talked, he agreed with me. We’ve been praying that the family would recognize that she needs to be released from this. I told him I needed him to communicate his feelings to me not keep them in so I could at least know that we are on the same page. He is an introvert and a peacemaker the majority of the time. Watching me agonize over this, he still wasn’t sure how to approach it. We also work in a family business. It’s a complicated situation. This family’s tradition is “No news is good news.” They just don’t communicate very well. He wanted his Mom to go in a less painful way than what the surgeon said would be a horrible way to die, with her bowel rupturing. I found out he was also in agony, not know how to communicate it to his siblings.
I am so very sorry that she is going through this. I would never want surgery at her age. I am surprised that her doctor even considered surgery.
My mom had issues that if she were younger she would have done surgery but her doctor said no surgery ever for a woman in her 90’s.
I know someone whose daughter had her father have resuscitation in the hospital. He didn’t want his life prolonged in any way. It was horrible. He only lived one hour afterwards and was in great pain.
I agree that most people are ready to go when they are that age with health issues.
Why would your husband and his family expect you to be her caregiver in this situation? They caused the situation. You are absolutely justified for feeling as you do.
PT is effective in certain circumstances but is extremely hard work and isn’t appropriate in every situation.
I hope your mother in law can find relief soon. I wish her children would have respected her wishes.
I remember my 90-year-old aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and her kids where so horrified at the thought their always-healthy mother was dying, they insisted she try chemotherapy. She agree, and did it for two weeks before stopping because it made her so sick. Now, seven years after her death, my cousins beat themselves up for having put her through that pain and agony in her last days.
I think you should go to the hospital and visit, because your MIL needs someone there who understands and is there for her. Honestly, I doubt she'll last long in spite of the surgery, because she's in such bad condition.
In time her children will understand they squandered valuable time with her by putting her in this situation. It'll be after the fact, but some of them may eventually realize the mistake they made. It's too late now to point out to your husband and his family that just because a doctor lays out options for treatment doesn't mean they're what you should do, but that's the reality. Some doctors just won't tell people if a treatment is really a good idea or not when they give them treatment options.
I know, I should have had them notarized, I should have fought for her wishes. I did a soft fight before surgery, hoping they would com to the same conclusion I did. They did not. I immediately regretted not doing that. Come to find out, she had previously signed a medical POA with a different son, which she did not remember and he did not say anything about until it came to the time to decide about surgery. But as the daughter-in-law, I wouldn’t have wanted to give my husband the choice over my own mother’s end of life care, and I felt I needed to have them feel peace about that decision. It was my own fault I didn’t speak up sooner and lo them what she needed. I am disappointed in myself and angry at myself for not doing that . I think that disappointment and anger is what pushed me to finally speak today, and talk about what I have felt this week and what I know she would have wanted to do. I am grateful that her dementia is such that she doesn’t even remember why she is in the hospital or that she’s been there for a week. I’m grateful that I love her and she’s knows it, and that she loves me, and I know it, and I know she would forgive me and want me to forgive myself and her children. They do love her. I think it was their misunderstanding the gravity of her situation and the painful results of the surgery she had. They are each spending time in the hospital this week as she is given comfort care instead of pushing for recovery. The dDr. Thinks it will be a matter of days, and maybe a few weeks before she passes. But at least we are on the same path now.
I would visit her, but I wouldn't force the PT issue.
Ask about better pain relief.
Has anyone talked about Hospice? Hospice would be all over her pain.
I think I would step away from the caregiving role when/if she comes home.
Be the loving DIL who gives backrubs and treats. Let the others do the caregiving, or let them arrange in-home caregivers.
I think I might arrange to go on a vacation for when she is released from the hospital.
As for forgiveness, consider marital therapy.
With lotion an calming essential oils every time I go in there. I always lotioned her feet and calves and shins along with her back after her showers. So that isn’t a new thing for me to be doing. I agree about the vacation. I’ve never been to Hawaii, that sounds good to me right now! Thank you for your encouragement. I truly appreciate it.
now expected to fulfill their wishes to get her well.
I think each of them needs to go sit with her for a day and see exactly what choice they have made for their mother. I cannot in good conscience force her to exercise and be in so much pain just so her children can feel like they did the right thing. My husband wouldn’t even let me participate in the conversation yet another sister-in-law was there. I feel so disappointed and abandoned by him. They have abandoned their mother when she needed someone to let her go and be finished with this existence! Her husband died 12 years ago and she wanted to go and be where he is! I am having trouble sleeping and am so angry at this family.
I agree with your comment. It is time for your hubs, sister in law etc, to be the ones sitting with her in the hospital. They need to face the consequences of their decision.
What kind of surgery? What is the prognosis?
It sounds like you are mominlaw's main caregiver. When she gets out of the hospital, can she come home on hospice?