Follow
Share

When I first started to notice her forgetting things over a year ago, I would just try to jog her memory. Didn't take long to find out that was not appreciated. That has advanced to remembering things incorrectly and asking the same thing repeatedly. I've learned to just roll with it unless it's something important. I don't call attention to it. She is aware because she mentions it occasionally. But also tries to downplay it and laugh it off. When she mentions it I say " You might want to talk to your doctor about that". I've been working on getting her to a doctor. After hearing less than impressive things she had been telling me about her primary doctor over the years I decided I wanted to try to get her to a new one that was also closer to where both of us live. She agreed. Finally found an office. Her first appointment was supposed to be last month. Despite reminders the day before, when I checked on her she was on her way to the store. It's rescheduled for tomorrow. I've spoken to them in advance about the issues she is having. She doesn't know that. I'm pretty certain she would resist going if she did. I told her yesterday that since I am going to be off for an appointment too, I would come by and take her to her appointment and then we can go to lunch. I have never taken her to an appointment before so she seemed a little suspicious about it. She said "They're going to think I must be a real basket case needing my daughter to come with me." I'm not sure how this is going to go. I don't think she will want me to go in the exam room with her. So I won't know what kind of answers she gives the doctor. She apparently hasn't listed me as someone who can have access to her medical info yet. So I'll probably have to try to convince her to do that while we're there. I'm her only child and she's divorced so, there's no one else. I'm afraid she is going to fight getting help all the way because she fears finding out what might be happening to her. I would be scared too. I'm really worried about her. Right now she is still able to take care of herself. But I keep thinking what if she leaves the house one day and forgets where she lives. She told me I was born in 1994 the other day which is about 20 years off. Any thoughts or tips about this are greatly appreciated!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Right a note to the doctor on what you have seen. Do it in short sentences.

Notices she has memory loss

Forgot appointment even though I reminded her the day before

I did mine in 14 font and only one sided page. Ask reception to give it to him before he sees her. This helps him/her in asking Mom the correct questions. If its found Mom is showing signs of Dementia, next step is a Neurologist. IMO, a PCP knows a little bit about ecerything and alot about nothing. Mom is going to need to know what type of Dementia she has. He helps with giving the correct medication.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

For certain you need a POA in place before diagnosis, and while she can do one. Guardianship will be done after diagnosis if you want it, with help of attorney and or social worker, but is more difficult and costly.

If you are planning on being POA for an uncooperative senior you are biting off years of utter misery. Often in early diagnosis, the refusal to recognize and accept dementia is profound. The more rage involved, often the more certain that the diagnosis is dire, as generally someone with normal aging issues is will to do testing to see what level they are at. I have two friends, hubby and wife, now being followed by memory institute WILLINGLY to assess where they are at. Long family history. They are in a program.

Again, I caution you to know both are you capable of being POA and do you want to take this on. I suggest an honest talk with your Mom, her doc and yourself. This needs to be met head on and with honesty.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi Emptynesting,
Sounds like you're doing a good job at shepherding her. The link below is to a great read which helped me understand some of my mom's early behaviors. There are other things that the doctor will need to rule out before concluding that her issues are due to cognitive impairment.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

I liked these videos too...
Teepa-10 early: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg
5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY
Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
Stage 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI
Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Careblazers-How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI
Talking to a person w/ dementia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

Sometimes it's better to NOT discuss the concerns with your loved one, since they are unaware of them...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

That's how I got my MIL in for a cogntive exam. I told her it was a follow-up appointment for something else. You can tell your Mom any therapeutic fib that you think will keep her calm and cooperative ("new doctor needs to do an new patient exam, which is required").

Yes to JoAnn's strategy of discretely handing the staff a pre-written note (that's what I did with my MIL). They are happy to accommodate you. Also request a test for a UTI.

I'm an only child to a single mother (94 yrs old). I remind her the day of her appointment, in just enough in advance so that if she forgot, there is still plenty of time for her to get dressed and ready.

At the end of the appointment, stand with her at the reception desk and ask for the Medical Representative form. Stand there while confirming with the receptionist that unless your Mom assigns you as her MR, the doctor will NOT be able to discuss any of her medical info with you, even if you get into an accident or something where she cannot communicate. Then fill the form out for her and have her sign it, hand it in right then and there.

You will have to eventually have a gentle conversation with your Mom about being willing to help her, but she needs to be willing to allow you to help. This means going with her to appointments so that you can keep on top of her care, driving her places, etc. Your Mom needs to keep being reminded that it's not a flaw if she needs help: many elders need help. All eventually need help. It's the same for everyone in the world.

FYI stubbornness is an ever increasing feature of dementia. Please remember not to "react" to it, instead you will need strategies to work around it. Also remember that your Mom can't help how she is becoming. Don't take it personally.

Please watch Teepa Snow videos recommended by ElizabethY. I've watched them -- they're very helpful.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you to each of you that responded! All of your advice and suggestions about material to read and watch is so appreciated! I will be looking into those. I will probably drop by the doctor's office before I pick mom up so I can give them a list of specific things I've seen/heard. Thank you JoAnn29. I also like the idea for approaching the question of being listed as her Medical Representative, Geaton777. Thanks so much for everyone's help and support!
Mom has always been very independent and hates to ask for help with anything. One of the most important things to her is being able to drive wherever she wants to go. So I know that needing my help is not something she would be happy about. And she will probably fight it. I'm sure I will be back with many more questions! Thanks again!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Rather than stopping by the doctors office maybe you can set up a "Patient portal" that way you can communicate with the office. This should work well if mom does not use a computer much. If she does you can tell her that you will help her set up the Patient Portal.
Until or unless mom puts you down on the HIPAA form the office can take information from you but can not give you any info. So stopping by first might not do much good unless it is to drop off a note that you have written indicating some of the problems you have noticed.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi again. Well mom's appointment didn't go exactly like I'd hoped. She did sign for me to have access to her medical info. Apparently she brought the subject of her memory loss up on her own. I had also brought a note by before her appointment. She saw a nurse practitioner who did several memory tests with her that she apparently passed with flying colors! 😦 I called later to find out how things went and that's what they told me! Meanwhile she had been sitting in the waiting room before her appointment trying to remember why she was there. After her appointment she called a friend back who was calling to correct her on which day they were meeting for lunch and she still had a hard time keeping it straight after the conversation. Later she saw the same call on her phone from her friend from earlier and called her back again! And they are trying to tell me she's in Normal Range for her age!! I just can't!! Has anyone else run into this? Mom was originally supposed to see a doctor but apparently when she rescheduled she made an appointment with the nurse practitioner instead. She said she didn't know she was a NP. I don't have anything against an NP. I see them myself. But I had hoped that for this she would see an MD first.
The nurse that called me back said that they would see mom again in 6 months and do a more extensive memory evaluation at that time. So meanwhile mom thinks everything is hunky dory. Trying to get her to see anyone else will be about impossible. I'm so frustrated 😠
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Geaton777 Sep 2023
My friend hid a monitoring device in her Mom's car. My friend found out that her Mom was going incredible speeds down small side roads and making sudden and illegal u-turns in the middle of some highways.

Sounds like your Mom needs something like this but mostly in case she gets lost (Apple Air Tag, just put it in her glove box).

In terms of her memory test, I'd ask what type of test exactly did they perform on her? My Mom was told 3 words that she was going to be asked to recall 10 minutes later (she got 1). Then she had to draw the clock face with a specific time (couldn't really complete it, got the number placement wrong).

"She saw a nurse practitioner who did several memory tests with her that she apparently passed with flying colors!" ... is this what your Mom reported to you? Or did the NP actually say this to you? If you got this info from your Mom I would doubt it highly.
(1)
Report
I think this is a good start.

They have initiated a trusting relationship. She'll go back in 6 months and they will dig a little deeper. This is a marathon, not a sprint, sadly
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you BarbBrooklyn. I guess you are right. I'm just so shocked that they couldn't see any problems. Everyone who spends any amount of time around her sees the difference in her from before. She went to visit family where she is from originally this summer. Her cousin apparently told my aunt he would be surprised if mom could handle the trip alone next summer. Everyone is worried. Her short term memory is awful! But she aced the dang memory tests! I'm concerned about what might happen in the interim.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Geaton777 mom told me first that she did well on the tests which I took with a grain of salt. I called the office later to ask them directly. The NP's nurse called me back and told me that she had done well with memory tests that sound like involved several groups of words. She apparently remembered all but one word. Mom said they had even asked her to spell some words backwards. According to mom the NP said she actually had a pretty good memory for her age (really?) and she was probably focusing on getting older too much! I doubt I made a friend by telling the nurse I spoke to that if the NP was around mom on a regular basis she would probably think differently about her "pretty good" memory. Ugh
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mom's memory issues took a very long time to be noticeable to anyone other than her and me, so you may need to keep a close eye on your mom until the next doctor visit. Mom could be well into conversations before people wondered about the repititions and confusions. I like the idea of a monitoring device in her car. Mom's MRI at the neurologist showed her to have "normal" shrinkage of her brain. ???? She however did not pass the verbal memory test as your mom did and when she was to draw a clock, repeat drawings of the shapes she was looking at, and know who the president was, it was very obvious there were problems. Her GP told her she should not live alone years before she accepted help other than cleaners (who were actually caregivers, but Mom wasn't told that). I moved in with her to be there in the evenings when "cleaners" weren't there. (I'm not suggesting you do that, by the way). Her doctor didn't want for a couple of years to write an official letter stating she was not capable of decisions, such as signing documents, so that she could get all financial stuff taken care of before things got worse. It was very very slow for her, but I understand sometimes the memory issues can get worse quickly. I was told she had 10 years to live and it turned out to be exactly what she had.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The gold standard for figuring out if there is a problem is compete neuro-psych testing. This involves 2-3 hours of paper and pencil testing.

As someone said above, keep notes about what you notice with mom. Some of this is what is called "executive functioning" problems, ie, prioritizing figuring out what is important to do.

Let us know how this plays out. I know it's frustrating.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter