My husband is an only child his 100 year old mother is living with us she has dementia she has become stubborn belligerent and all the other lovely things that go along with it. Last year was hell we built a new home in South Carolina moved from Michigan brought her with us. shortly after we lost our beloved pet, my mother died the next month, I lost my job and then in April my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Really at our wits end. We have a caregiver in the home three days a week so that we can get out but now with his treatment David feels less like going out to do things. we really feel it’s time for his mom to move into assisted living but I can’t even get her out of the house she won’t even open up the front door much less get into a car with us to go somewhere. how am I supposed to get her into an assisted living? It may be the last year of my husband’s life and I’d like to see him doing something enjoyable and not stressing out over her. He has full medical and financial power of attorney over everything but I’m afraid he’ll die before she does, He’s the one with all the patience, I can barely tolerate being in the same room with her right now
You will have to take your husband to doctor appointments, possibly radiation or chemotherapy, picking up medication at pharmacy, preparing meals, being his caregiver plus some how take care of yourself too! Please do yourself a favor look into a facility for your mother in law. I wish you the best & Stay strong. Stay in touch too!
Call 911 if MIL gets a UTI, falls, a cough, bedsores etc. Anything you can call 911 on do so. When the ambulance come tell the workers that your husband has brain cancer and you cannot manage MIL.
Let the ER and hospital figure things out and they can route her to a facility.
These are all appropriate concerns to discuss with both your husband's physician and/ or your MIL ' S physician ; as well the POA concerns should be addressed legally since , your husband could die first before his mother. While your husband is cognitively alert and able is the time to address the POA situation.
As for the 100 yo MIL, she very well could outlive her son . Her physician may be able to refer you to a case manager who can help look at options for ALL of your well being.
Also, if you practice a faith , speaking with your clergy may provide good support while you are assessing with the physicians and or case manager options.
Prayers for you all.
Given your husband's condition, it may be best to move your mother to a memory care facility where she will get the help she needs and be able to make some friends. It is often better to keep the person with dementia blissfully unaware of the events happening around them as they are unable to process and remember new information. If you are able to afford private pay memory care, you can move your MIL anytime. You do not need a medical reason to move her. Find a place that is acceptable to your husband as he is the one who may feel guilty about moving your mil. Have your husband sit down with your mil and tell her that he can see she is not happy living with you and he wants her to be happy and have friends. Have him try to phrase it in such a way that she thinks it is her idea or a good idea. The representatives of the memory care home you choose will be able to help you with some phrasing. Your local area agency on aging or Alzheimer's Association should be able to put you in touch with various communities or an agency that finds combinations for seniors.. Don't just choose any agency as some are just trying to meet move-in quotas. Make sure the agency is looking out for your family and that they are up front with all costs and deposits. Consider the different types of community is your mothers can can live in – – there are a lot of options beyond nursing homes and memory care facilities.
Your husband will feel guilty about this move. We all do. I did the same with my mom and it turns out she's much happier living in a memory care place than she was living at home. She has more freedom and independence living there than she ever did living with her family.
It of course would be a good idea to see an attorney and make sure your husbands affairs are in order with all the necessary paperwork (DPOA, health care directives etc) and see if you can be given the legal ability to care for MIL and her needs somehow in the event he isn’t able unless that has already been set up and she has a back up or secondary representative.
I can’t even imagine how difficult and stressful the last year has been and the future seems, please remember to take care of yourself, it’s as important for your husband as it is for you, try to focus on one thing at a time and clear the way for being able to put all your focus on DH in the coming months. Sending positive thoughts and strength your way.
My sister and I are left to take care of my 93 year old father. Sister is not well and lives two hours away. Comes home as much as she can but not consistently. I left my home and husband and I’m now living at dad’s because he refuses “convalescent “ home. Dad was in the military and I got help with someone coming in a few times a week. APS was called because I took a few extra Xanax and he had a UTI and Covid. I don’t know who called APS. Glad they did. It saved my dad and myself. They set up respite hours so I can get out and chill.
I’m praying for you. But is your MIL or husband was military, please reach out to them.
God Bless and take care.
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Having said that, I did find time for myself. I got out and walked or ran everyday. I played pickle ball twice a week and I would hire caregivers so I could have dinner with my girlfriends from time to time.
Now that they are gone and I am well rested, I think back about what they had to go through with all their suffering. I think it was hard for them to be kind and show any enthusiasm when they were so sick, incontinent and just mentally not right.
My advice to you is to find an outlet, whatever you like, yoga, walking, etc. Hire caregivers so that you can get out and enjoy life from time to time.
Do not expect kindness and appreciation from those you are caring for, they are not capable!
my deepest condolences. hug!!
“Do not expect kindness and appreciation from those you are caring for, they are not capable!”
very hard, especially when what you get in return isn’t “neutral” (like absence of “thanks”), but negative (like abuse/criticisms/insults/etc.). many daughters (and DILs) get abused by the elderly parent/s they’re kindly helping.
can you get a live in caregiver? Maybe someone that you can barter with (place to live for caregiving).
I hear you about the assisted living, but at that age and situation, do it if you absolutely must, but I can see your husband’s guilt over that and that’s why I suggest a live in caregiver first. you don’t have to leave necessarily, just be the manager and let them do the work.
Disclaimer: if you do have any caregiving in your home you have to lock up all your valuables and anything you think precious. don’t trust any face - ever.
and for your sanity, you have to stand up to the belligerent bully. You don’t have to be mean back, just call her on her bullsh*t. She may or may not cooperate, but you will have your sanity for sticking up for yourself. And don’t feel bad about it and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. There’s lots of polite ways to stand up for yourself.
I’m so sorry for all those tragedies and problems that you’ve had. I pray God will bless you with merciful good news and help soon.
When all the chaos is over: I also would like to encourage you to plan a retreat vacation for yourself in the desert: search, "health resorts usa."
Remember the old George Strait song, "You gotta go through Hell to get to Heaven."
Then tell her that she has a doctor appointment and take her to the facility. It will have her familiar pictures on the wall and her furniture. At that point it will be her new home. She will have to be told that is where she now lives and that she is to participate in the activities and go to the dining room to eat.
You and her son can visit. If you don’t have POA , it is too late to get it. Your husband will have to make arrangements and an attorney will have to help with a solution.
You’ve received a whole series of knock-out blows. It’s amazing you’re still standing, but if things continue this way, you soon will be down for the count, too.
You and your husband must take precedence over the 100 year old mother-in-law. I hate to be harsh, but she has had her carefree time for almost 100 years, and since you fear your beloved husband may not be long for this world, you must make changes…they may prolong his life.
The time for letting the MIL hold your household hostage is over.
1. Do not feel trapped in your new house and new neighborhood. You and hubby go out whenever he feels well enough to take a drive, picnic at a lake, or whatever, even when the 3X weekly aide isn’t in the house. Even better yet, go when the aide isn’t there.
2. Soon enough the old gal will have a medical issue (a fall, or a real or fake illness) and you must phone 911 and have her taken to hospital. When release time comes, refuse to take her back as an unsafe discharge. Have her placed where she can get 24 hour supervision, and then your own loving care for your husband can flourish.
3. The above recommendation may sound cold, but your husband’s actual life is at stake here, and if he should die early from the tension and hopelessness of caring for his stubborn mother, your own life will be changed forever.
4. If your dear husband dies early, and your MIL is still ensconced in your home, you still will have to face head-on the ever-increasing caring for his mother. To have recently lost your own sweet pet, your own beloved mother, your own job, possibly soon God forbid your husband, and then have to be 24-hour in-home caretaker of your mother-in-law? Well, that is too much.
5. I am rooting for you to make the hard but necessary changes ASAP so you can devote your loving care to your ill husband.
6. I will be pulling for you, and your husband’s health. May he be cured and then he, and you, have many happy, healthy, joyous years ahead of you.
7. May this be the beginning of a very happy season of life for you and your husband, and may you wave good riddance to the back-end of all your recent sorrows and losses.
What your MIL wants is beside the point. Firstly, because this is your life. And your husband’s and your MIL has had hee life at 100. Secondly, she has dementia and is not capable of making these decisions. Place her in a facility near your home where you and your husband can visit regularly.
She may even enjoy the community of her fellow residents.
Sending you and husband a hug. It is not selfish to draw living boundaries.
Sounds like she's fighting to stay alive - as is mine - and thus fearing the world outside.
Lie to her! "The doctors want to heal something that may be shortening your life!..." She gets in the car, and you drive her to the pre-designated assisted living or nursing home facility. Even if temporarily.
The goal is to put her in good hands as you and hubby spend precious time together. You two can visit her.
Then, should you find it appropriate, bring her back to home.
Usually adult children who are caring for a parent have to wait until there is a medical emergency with their parents..... a call to 911, hospital stay, then rehab stay. That is the time where most of us are able to get our parent into Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home depending on the parent's budget.
If an adult child can get a parent into senior care, we usually tell a "therapeutic fib" saying the senior care is an extension of rehab, that the parent will stay until the doctor says it is ok for them to go home. That going home time never comes, because we can still use therapeutic fibs to delay.
Sometimes a person will do things for strangers they won't do for family members; would MIL go out with one of the caregivers? Perhaps then they could escort her to her doctor for a checkup and then on to an ALF waiting to receive her. ?