How do you protect an inheritance?
My father was very purposeful in leaving his sons-in-law out of his will. My husband (with dementia) is super-focused on getting dad's money. My sister and I both chose to move the funds (still in process) from where dad had his investment accounts (not local) to a local financial planner associated with a different investment firm.
It is easy to say that people with dementia don't get to make the decisions but getting that person to realize that is a different story. I felt that going local and entrusting everything to a financial planner would protect the money, but he is demanding that all the money be placed in our savings account rather than remaining in stocks.
Today when we meet with the financial planner again, he is either going to be on the warpath (like he is so far today) or he'll be showtiming. Honestly, I kind of hope he is still on the warpath because someone else needs to see what I live with.
So, beyond using a financial planner, do I also need to get a lawyer in order to protect my inheritance? I'm new to this (have lived at poverty level for the last six years), and I don't understand all the stuff about investments. I want to use dad's money wisely (which is why some of his investments are going to be converted over to things that are more compatible to my faith), but I also am not about to give it all away (which seems to be my husband's plan, and indeed was spoken by him many years ago).
My father saw that my husband was not providing for me and took it upon himself to do so. The financial planner assured me there is more than enough to move into a CCRC, which if you have read my previous posts, is a desire that I've had. Final thing to add is that my husband's heart troubles will probably take him before he needs memory care; dad did not want his money taking care of his son-in-law and I want to do everything I can to keep that from happening.
In case anyone suggests divorce, had my chance for that thirty years ago and chose to "believe for my marriage." I think doing so at this point would actually make it easier for him to get dad's money, so not an option on the table.
abuse in marriage is not just verbal of physical. Financial abuse as means of controlling other person is serious.
You stated you live in poverty for 6 years.
Belittling their abilities, control over money, refusing money, controlling financial information. Few examples of financial abuse.
But it is good thing you share, it is very important subject for all of us caregivers.
Lets just be perfectly honest here, none of us caregivers will get rich, but surely many will end up living in poverty.
I am hoping you are not going to be one of them if your husband has a way of spending your inheritance.
You deserve better!
I think you might find seeing a well-trained Cognitive Behavior therapist to be a useful experience.
SO STOP!!!
It takes baby steps since you've probably been programmed for most of your marriage to be subservient to him. Now, it's time to begin reprogramming your mindset! And the way to do that is by doing the opposite of everything you've done during your marriage that gave him the control.
There's NOTHING that he has over you! You need to keep repeating that like it's your new mantra. Now with the inheritance, you'll feel more empowered because you have the power and control over your own life. You need to know that - and you need to believe it!
Do not accept his bad behavior - walk out of the house and take a drive if you need to...take care of YOURSELF. Whatever steps you need to do to secure the inheritance you'll do. There's a way around everything that he's expecting regarding the money - that he's not entitled to. You can set up everything the way you want to without his knowing - even the Will - because you shouldn't have joint Wills either. Most married couples have separate Wills. The best thing that you can do for yourself for now is surround yourself with supportive people who strengthen you. I hope with each step you take forward, you become more sure of yourself and strengthened!
You have an inheritance that can give you the freedom you have wanted since 1977.
Why not use that gift your father gave you and give yourself and your son who lives with you a better life away from your abusive and controlling husband?
You have been thinking he is going to die for quite some time now and yet he is still very much alive and still very much controlling.
Stop waiting for him to die and start living your life - your way - on your terms.
He no longer has the power to control you because you are no longer dependent on him financially. Let that sink in. He no longer has any power other than the power you give him.
You should only be using a fee-only Fiduciary Advisor, not a Salesman in Financial Planner clothing.
May The Lord guide you through this tough situation with your demented husband.
Stick to your guns, this is your future security you are protecting and defending.
Certainly not any financial matters now that his dementia will skew his comprehension.
I was raised to look after myself financially. I don't feel I am being dishonest at all by running my own acounts, single as well as jointly. I understand some women may have been taught differently - to share everything once married. Even if that is your view, dementia is a game-changer.
The able-minded person must take control of the household finances.
Teepa Snow says something similar. That the person with clear thinking skills is the *Sapphire*.
The Sapphire needs to use their skills to care, redirect, & protect for the cognitively challenged person (ie person at the other *gem* colour stages).
Protection also includes SELF-protection.
This money needs to be in your name only with someone as beneficiary and you need a solid paper trail to prove this. Inheritance is yours and no one else's until you make it so.
You can play submissive to husband if you want, but you don't have to BE submissive. He doesn't have to know about your private financial affairs. Or maybe you'd want him to. Some husbands are proud of wives who know how to handle their own financial lives. Some husbands are relieved that they don't have to worry so much about taking care of a wife.
On the day that he walks in and says he's leaving you and buying a red Corvette, you'll have the means to provide for your needs. Don't think it could happen to you? Then you've led a sheltered life! Protect yourself.
I have a good friend from High School who has a financial advisor. She states "this guy's job is to keep me from doing stupid things with my money"--selling when the market is low, getting scammed, giving too much to her kids.
You need to tell the FA (I hope he is a fee only fiduciary) that his job is to help you keep your inheritance out of DH's hands
If you need someone local with an actual office, Schwab would be my choice; use low cost index funds.
I absolutely would not include husband in meetings with the financial advisor.
Yes!
The OP needs to become independent.
Even with best co-mingling everything is not good idea.
Every modern woman should know or learn about managing money.
Leave your husband home or if he is involved in an Adult Day Program or can otherwise be occupied so you can meet when he has other plans.
Blame it on the Advisor, just tell him that she/he wants to meet with you alone and then they will schedule a meeting with both of you. (therapeutic fib there)
And if you also want to ask a lawyer, you can research counsel in your area and some will provide an initial phone consult at no charge and you may be able to get additional advise on the subject.
It's important that you have your own financial account regardless - not everything should be joint accounts. Your husband isn't entitled to this - and your mindset should be just that - he shouldn't even be placing you on the defensive or taking over in decision making for you and the sooner you believe that, the easier this will be!
Wishing you the best!
You say "no, I can't possibly do that" and if he freaks out, you call 911.
This is your money and does not even need to be used for his care. There is a Medicaid form that can be filled out refusing to pay for his care in an LTC.
I, too, wonder why you take him to meetings when he is disruptive. He probably cannot understand what is going on anyway. And you would probably understand things better if he was not there disturbing things.
You say you have an appointment with a financial advisor; I would e-mail this very question to this advisor. In fact, I would basically copy your entire post from here and send it to him/her. The more your financial advisor knows about your situation, the better he/she will be able to make a financial plan for YOUR future. That's what you are paying this person for.
I have to agree, I don't think I would bring my combative husband along for this particular meeting, if there was any way around it. BUT if that can't be done, then an e-mail to your advisor outlining exactly what is going on should be helpful.
But for now why don’t you use money for yourself, why living in poverty?
As caregiver to husband who respects my equal rights and my independence and does not have dementia but possibility exist with Parkinson so it is all preemptively done that I am totally in control.
And I am assuming here your father died, so you should respect his wishes and do not give money to your husband, or put it in joint account. And don’t take him to see financial planner!
If you are your husband's PoA and he has a medical diagnosis, and he has no power to change or influence where the inherited funds go, my personal opinion is that it's not fair to the planner to waste her time having to deal with an irrational person who doesn't even have any legal say in this situation. Don't tell him about is, have someone else take him out for the day so you can go to the meeting alone. When he brings up this topic you will need to relentlessly redirect, distract or walk away... if I'm interpreting things accurately.
I feel for you: yesterday I wasted a lot of time "re-convincing" my Mom to cash in mature EE bonds so that she can put them into a money market savings account making waayyy more interest than 0%. The appointment at the bank is this week. This is a conversation we've had before and she understood and agreed with this at that time but then yesterday she was into full-on conspiracy theory land. Part of the problem is I am holding the actual bonds because I'm worried she'll throw them out or lose them. Later that day I showed her high-res scans of the bonds and we talked through each one and she was "better". We'll see what happens on the morning of the appointment -- but I'll be bringing my FPoA paperwork and her diagnosis info to the bank, just in case. It is tiring, as you well know.
He will not stay home from any meetings, anywhere I go, he insists on going (I was relieved when grocery shopping became to hard for him, so at least I go out one morning a week without him). As for
When my brother was first diagnosed with probably early Lewy's dementia (diagnosed by his symptoms of no smell nor taste, loss of balance, hallucinations) the first thing he did was take ALL OF HIS FINANCES out of his own control. He called his attorney, and he and I met with said attorney. I was made Trustee of his Trust and POA for EVERYTHING. The attorney carefully examined my brother with and without me present, and in my presence said "Are you certain you trust this woman with everything you have, because she currently can take the gold out of your teeth". We laughed but it was true. He wanted to do this before he passed into a time/place was he was a danger to himself. We sold his last place; he moved into ALF. He had an account that was his own (small and monitored by me) for spending and I took care of everything else giving him a monthly accounting.
If your father has not done this, and has dementia, it may be too late. Things are currently in his control. At this point, IF HE HAS DEMENTIA he will be both too paranoid and too ill and incompetent to Trust to do this.
Short of GUARDIANSHIP your father is in danger and in trouble. You cannot manage an uncooperative senior. If you cannot get these things taken care of, then--and I repeat--your father's finances are in grave danger. There will be no way but guardianship to safeguard his finances, and the guardian will have to be competent to do this work which is onerous and requires meticulous management.
You should be consulting an attorney about this graygrammie. I am so sorry. I have honestly never before heard of a case like my own where a man was diagnosed with Lewy's and still strong, well enough, competent enough and determined to safeguard his savings to make SOMEONE ELSE the manager of his money.
It's her husband who has dementia and that's who she is concerned about in this post.
Your husband has dementia. What part of taking him to the financial planner makes sense to you? They're job is planning people's estates and looking after money and assets. They don't care what you live with or if some demented old fool is showtiming on the 'warpath'. They may feel sorry for you, but it's not their job to help you with that mess. Leave him at home and get done what needs to be done.
It's okay if you don't know what to do with investments and how to handle that. This is why you're working with a financial planner. They understand it so you don't have to.
Has your husband been diagnosed with dementia and there's documentation from a doctor? Are you POA for him?
You don't have to allow him any access to your father's money. The financial planner will help you with this.
If it happens that you have to put him into care, I am sorry to say that your inheritance will not be a protected asset and because you're legally married, half of it can be taken up for his care if needs be. Of course, this depends on whether or not Medicaid will be involved and what your state's laws are on maritial inheritance.
You can make it easier on yourself and just talk to a divorce lawyer. Just have a consultation. It could very well be that your inheritance is not considered a maritial asset.
Your father sounds like he was a wonderful man and your husband sounds like he isn't. No amount of money is worth staying in a toxic relationship.
Unfortunately, dh refuses to stay at home alone (my dad used to plead with me to leave him home when I visited, or at least leave him in the hotel room, he refused -- as I said, very controlling).
Yes, his health records indicate the Moderate Cogntive Impairment but NOWHERE is the FTD documented, even though my daughter and I both sat with the neurologist that was called in by the hospital to explain it to us. He is on Aricept, which itself should verify his dementia. I am POA for him (as he is for me unfortunately, but wills were drawn up ten years ago and the financial planner is reviewing them as we are planning to make some changes).
I think I covered all your questions.
I believe you should wait that out. There is no reason that your husband needs to be in on your financial planning. Plus he has dementia, so any of his advice is tempered by that. You don't want a person with dementia telling you and sister how to manage your father's provision for you.
If you're seeing a financial planner, chances are that he has podcasts monthly that educate his clients. He may have already given you material to read. Pay attention. You can learn. Ask if you can watch some of the podcasts prior to becoming his client.
I don't know if you need to see a lawyer, but it wouldn't hurt. Do you and husband have your wills in order? I saw a lawyer last year so she could go over husband's estate plan as well as mine to warn me if she saw any red flags. It was well worth the small fee she charged. I chose her because her specialties are elder law and estate law.
Never commingle dad's fund in accounts you share with husband. Do not have them converted to joint accounts wherever you put them. I'm not sure what you mean by converting to things that are more compatible with your faith, but if you spoke with the financial planner about this, he'd be the person to help you. Not husband. Husband needs to be dismissed forthwith regarding any financial plans you're making.
www.Bogleheads.org is a great place to ask these questions.
You need to know the facts, not guess.