How do you repair sibling relationships fractured by caregiving?

The fact that she acknowledged your birthday is a positive sign that she values and misses your relationship. Reassure her that you always have your dad's best interest at heart and welcome her input. You can ask her what is the best way for her to be involved in decision making so she understands what the concern is and problem solve how to address it. It is important and make life easier if you and sibling presented a united front. If she is in denial, perhaps the social worker or case manager can assist her in understanding why this was the best option. I have also learned that my mom's input is also important. I may not be able to comply with all of her requests but it is important to hear what she has to say so she feels her opinions matter. It may be helpful to have an objective third party like a professional explain how your dad's behavior is a symptom of his illness and may just be a means to get his demands met. Perhaps your daughter can reach out to her aunt and let her know how much she and relationship is missed. You could also reach out to your nephews for a check in. Your sibling may mirror your actions. It is important to talk about other things other than your dad so you are not consumed by caretaking role. Explore what your sister feels comfortable contributing to the process. Thank you so much for your transparency. Your post helped me to feel less alone in my struggle with my sibling.

Does she know how you feel?
When she goes into the "Dad said xxx" ?

I imagine it would be easy to fall into a defensive protective mode ("but I do xxx and he didn't tell you about xxx I did / do).

It sounds to me that:
* She doesn't understand how you feel.
- Have a heart-to-heart providing "I" statements (I feel xxx). Not 'you this and you' that (she'll be on the defensive).

* Help her learn how to express herself in a way that you can hear it and that isn't loaded with judgments / false accusations. She may be very unaware of how she is talking to you; unaware that what Dad says to her may not be true ... she is on automatic.

Try: Could I share with you HOW I could hear you BETTER when you talk to me about dad? Then give her an example.

She either doesn't know how to talk to you, is oblivious how she is thinking / talking to you, or frankly, doesn't care (passive aggressive / hostility?)

Use "I statements"

I would emphasize that you want a 'good' relationship with her again (I wonder if she realizes that the relationship isn't as it used to be (better)? If you tell her this, hopefully she'll soften up a bit and not be defensive.

Reflective listening is good. After you say something, ask her what she heard you say. It is not unusual for her to 'hear' through her psychological / emotional filters. We all do that. So, this is a good check to ensure she is listening and gets it.

I'd let her know that you feel hurt "I" feel xxx.

Whatever or however you proceed, protect yourself. If it isn't going well, stop and try another time. You do not want to end up arguing or the 'she said he said" which never resolves anything.

IF she is willing to talk / listen, THANK her.

It sounds to me like there is (some / a lot) of family dynamics / history here - which isn't 'in your favor.' And, yet, you are the one doing the primary care giving. Huh?

I feel for you. Gena / Touch Matters

Sometimes you can't repair sibling relationships fractured by caregiving. Sometimes you can.

My experience was like some others here - my sister criticized but didn't help. Although I had been open to a relationship with her up to then, the negativity and lack of support while I was caregiving convinced me that I didn't need her in my life - in fact I didn't want her in my life.

When I looked back I realized that there really never had been a healthy relationship between us. I cut contact with her and have never regretted it - in fact have only more and more realized that was for the best for me. We can't choose our family, but we can choose or friends. When family do not act as friends, we can limit the damage.

So you are caretaking for your shared parent and your sister hasn’t called you to say “hello and thanks” and “I love you” and see if she can pitch in ….IN A YEAR? (Shame on her).

People naturally drift apart. Shared childhood memories bind us together but a close sisterhood is like a great marriage. It takes work, dedication, cultivation and care. Like a marriage, a sister relationship can shatter when destroyed by cruelty, neglect or abandonment. Or it can become abusive when there is an imbalance of respect or lack of emotional support. Or, as may also be the case for you, drift apart so distantly that it’s not worth meaningfully and permanently reuniting.

Your dad will naturally evolve into a younger, more child-like self as he ages. Good parent or not, his behavior of “telling on you” is a coping mechanism. It isn’t nice of him and I understand why you feel sad about it. If he is hurting and needs to talk about it, though, this behavior may be healthier than internalizing everything and lashing out at you. Don’t blame him for working out his frustrations through conversation. Don’t blame yourself for having occasional verbal conflicts with him or appearing “mean” once in a while. That is normal too and unavoidable, even in a loving caretaking relationship.

The person in the wrong here is your sister. She barely comes around, but manages to judge your hard work from states away. She should intercept your dad’s complaints instead of pummeling you with them again. Her parroting back the remarks doubles your pain and lack of appreciation for caretaking. Her actions demonstrate that she has picked a side and it isn’t yours. Anyone in your position would feel badly.

You feel the need to gain her approval and her gifts are like once-annual dog treats. She is doing less than the bare minimum, yet you see it as some kind of prize. This is a relationship you might not be need in your life if it is unhealthy for you.

Her behavior may make you feel as though you are coming in “second place” in a race where you were the only runner.

A better sister would listen to dad and diffuse the situation to help you. She would protect you from hurt by not repeating the harsh words. She would call you up and instead of opening wounds and saying “Dad says blah blah blah…,” she might say, “Thank you so much for all you to take care of Dad, I’m so grateful.., I know it must not be easy.” She would send you appreciation more than once a year and she might even take a turn caretaking so you could have a much-needed break.

You say she used to be kind to your daughter but isn’t now? Because she is mad at you? How would she find a reason to hold a grudge against your daughter? Again, this is on her.

It’s easy to be a great friend in the good times. The true friends, however are the ones who are there (maybe even more often) when times are tough.

Do not be manipulated by her token on your birthday. She is not acting as a true friend. Go buy yourself a gift from yourself. Spend your time and energy with those who are there for you when you need them and stop begging for her to throw you a bone. Try to stop longing so deeply for a relationship that may have been a one-sided figment of your imagination in the first place.

Please do not take this as criticism. I was in your shoes once and with time and experience can see differently.

I spent years waiting by the mailbox for my sister’s ridiculous gift of fancy hand soap. When she skipped a gift on a special occasion, I cried. What did I do wrong? (My answer is … my mistake was misplacing my hero worship on someone who did not deserve it).

I have come to realize my sister is a sneak and I can No Longer trust her nor do I want a relationship with her either . She is highly Manipulative , selfish and mean and says Mean Things so what's the Point ? Once My Dad Passes I doubt we will have any Interaction . If someone is just Using you that is Not a friend. She has Lied to the Police , called my social workers and Lied and Lied to APS and thought it was funny . She says mean Things Like " Dad doesnt really care about you " Well I am dealing with a sociopath and Just because she is a sibling does not mean I have to be her friend . My brother is useless and I have cut him off - he hasn't seen me for 20 years or My father for 30 years . I would rather be alone then be in an Abusive relationship with a sibling .

DoingMyBest73: For so many of us, this is a common issue, e.g. the caregiver gets treated like the proverbial 'chopped liver,' often by the elderly parent themselves. Our mother's boss stated "J (my brother) only shows up for the party." I'm sorry that I have no 'magic fix' for your post. Since your father unfortunately suffers from dementia, perhaps he is not aware that he states hurtful things about you to his other adult child.

Dad may not even realize he creates issues by complaining to others. Some will say it's mean spirited manipulation, but I think it's more of a way to include more people in the inner circle with the appearance of manipulating. Self preservation, maybe? If just one person comes to help him out, or visit, it's one more person from the family that he wants to see.

It's very difficult, but you have to resign yourself to the fact that you are the caregiver "because".... you don't have it in you to take him to a NH, it's part of your very soul to do the job, it's what I call doing what your heart will allow you to live with. I don't do anything that I know will give me heartache down the road.

I knew that I would never have been able to put my parent in a facility. Never. Some of my siblings worked and some were retired like me when it came time caregiving was needed. Yes, there was frustration about needing more time for myself. Can't deny that. Some days I really had to work on myself to not be angry. Sometimes even more so when they were going here/there on time off to enjoy their time. BUT... caregiving was my choice and I just had to accept what crumbs were offered and let it go. There were many times I didn't get help, got angry/frustrated and wanted to just make that phone call where you tell them all to go to XXXX. My parents were both very family oriented and instilled strong sibling bonds - I wasn't willing to lose my siblings over the situation I was in. It's hard, really hard, but can be done.

Call your sister and ask her to come and spend some time with you/dad. Remotely she can't see the changes in him. If she parrots his words, laugh it off to her: He's a little cantankerous at times and I get tired some days, but we get by. He really wants to see you in person, he misses you. Why not come and visit with us? It will do him some good. Later on, WRITE a thank you for the gift and express your wish for her to come and visit for a week or so...you'd both love to see her and spend real time with her.

Thank you for asking this important question which I was going to ask myself :-)).

My brother and his wife are overseas and DB used that as an excuse to not help in caring for mom . He was nowhere to be found when mom started getting forgetful in India (our home country) and I was scrambling to figure out a care plan for her. Mom was to spend her old age in India with me and maybe DB visiting her there. Moving her in with me here was mostly definitely not the plan. DB would ghost me and not reply to my frantic emails and calls as mom started wandering out of her house there. No relatives or friends would supervise her care in India. So I had to bring mom here. After much grovelling and begging, DB finally started sending some money for mom's expenses here (she doesn't get Medicare because she has not worked here).

Now mom's on hospice at my home, getting weaker by the day and has no need of brother caring for her, he's suddenly texting and calling frequently. I want to scream at this hypocrisy and break off all contact with him. I used to think that when mom passed, DB and I have no contact. But his sudden interest in family ties has totally perplexed me. Yet when I asked him to visit mom one last time, he is not replying to that. I'm somehow polite in my texts back to him and manage to have a civil conversation when he calls and do not bring up past issues.
I'm worried that if I see him in person, we will have a showdown.

Reading through all the responses and I truly appreciate all of you for taking the time. But I'm sad this is such a huge issue for many of us!

I'm so hearing what's happening to you! We all go through this at some point. I'm not happy either and I don't even think we'll ever mend, not even at Mom's funeral eventually, oh, who's doing that?
Dad playing "the victim" gives them more attention and they don't know they're hurting us. They can't help it but the family should be more understanding of everything that they won't do!
I've just got the townhouse sold, took over a year due to family. The brother wants a copy of POA while I'm sorting through 6 garbage bags of papers to do her taxes? He'll help after I get it done,no! Then, he wants to hire a lawyer to get POA? No, doesn't want to do that,it could come back on him and hurt his family of two parents and three adult children. It's okay to blame me, actually said he'd burn the townhouse down before he would let me move in with her. Oh, I'm so mean?!?!?
You know you're doing what you can, heartbreaking and the mental infliction is totally unbearable. Stay calm and do something for yourself. I don't know what makes me happy anymore, really just numb. Eighteen inches of snow isn't helping either. I'm into a cup of hot chocolate recently.
Only time will tell,say thanks for remembering my birthday and you appreciated it. You and everyone here have been strong caregivers and you fight for your life trying to be something else. We can't fight things we can't control. It's not giving up but realizing we can't do it all. Yes, no support, but you can do this! Somehow you've gone this far, you can make it. With or without them. Oh, I want it to work for everyone! We're not the victim, we're the victors. Stand out and feel good about everything you do!
I'm sorry you got trashed for showing your love!
Julia

Sadly to say: you don’t!

I had an honest talk with my mother about her yelling at me, complaining about "everything," and about her doctors advice and treatments. I honestly told her I am an adult and I expect to be treated with respect or we could move on and terminate our caregiving arrangement. I was not emotional, just matter of fact, about what I expect from her as this is my life, too, and I am no longer a child. When my sister, who lives out of state, attempted to tell me what I have to do, I shut that down by telling her she has no right because she lived her life just as she pleases, so convenient for her. They both changed their tunes once I was honest and refused to be their scapegoat. Now, my older sister and I get along well because she realizes I am an adult who refuses to accept being directed by others who are unwilling to take my place. So, my advice is actually, demand the respect you deserve for the sacrifices and decisions you make on your father's behalf before your father passes. After that, the resentment will lose most of its power over you.

Yes certainly unkind if him to vent on sister and being elderly his perceptions are not reality.
maybe a nice follow up note to sister in how her gift touched you and that you treasure her and your relationship with her.
when she calls you try to redirect topic. Even though you know his complaints are incorrect, try to focus only on “ I understand it concerns you to hear dad tell you that . If I were in your shoes I would find those words distressing also , I can assure you that dad is cared for and not spoken to harshly.”
also out some decision making into her like “ dad told you he didn’t like my schedule for him, what do you think- bath before lunch or after dinner?” ( whatever topic you think can be flexible for you to have her offer her decision on).
are there any pamphlets from library or aging Dept on elderly parents and strains in siblings? Maybe sending that with a note that your role is hard when Dad seems unappreciative about y on the calls to her and you found info that shows this isn’t a problem unique to you and her.
once he passes try to reconnect with her with childhood stories and positive relationship stories of things you two have shared .
seems like her gift was a reach out to you.

Make a family appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Please video Dad when he's trying to manipulate your relationship with your sister. If sister cannot trust you to take care of Dad, the way she would, then request that she pick up Dad for a 6 month visit................she may have a lot clarity once she has participated in his care.

Hi, I am in same boat as you are. I live on another continent and my father had stroke 6 yrs back. My mom became his primary care giver. My brother & his family lives with them. My parents are brother never had close relation, many layers of past incidents. My mom fell during Covid time making bad situation worse. Every day was living nightmare, I dread to make call. Tried bridging gaps, helped Financially but things escalated quickly as my brothers family was doing heavy lifting and they needed compensation for that. Though it wasn't stated but that's what it boiled down. Mom passed away in Oct'22, I didn't go as cremation happened quickly and I was at loss. I booked ticket to visit dad in Oct'23 with intention of doing mom's one year passing ceremony but Dad passed away in Jan.
It's never easy, deep breathe accept as things comes. Don't think too much about past, we can't change but it will definitely ruin future. If your sis has extended olive branch, be a bigger person🙏

I don’t know if you can repair a fractured relationship with siblings. You can’t change anyone else’s opinions and behavior. You can only change your outlook on the situation and respond accordingly.

Sometimes, parents influence siblings as well. I dealt with this too. It seemed like whenever I tried to tell my side of the story, my siblings couldn’t understand because they hadn’t experienced what I had as a caregiver.

Truth be told, I had no idea what caregiving would be like before I became a caregiver myself.

I finally let go of trying to convince my siblings of anything because holding on seemed to make matters worse, especially for me.

I was the primary caregiver for my mom for many years. I was at my wit’s end. My brother criticized me and felt that he could do a better job, so I told him to go ahead and try. I told mom that she should stay with him because I was worn out!

Oh boy, did he change his tune after mom was under his roof. I am glad that I let him take over so he could see firsthand what it was like to be a full time caregiver.

He apologized to me and realized how difficult it was for me. Our relationship healed before my mom died and now I have a great relationship with all of my siblings.

No one can predict the future. We can hope for the best. Sometimes it works out and sometimes due to certain circumstances it doesn’t ever work out.

We have to find peace in our hearts no matter which way it goes. It will only hurt us if we become bitter or resentful due to the pain that we have experienced.

One more thing, having a wonderful therapist was a Godsend! I learned a lot about myself and others in therapy.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

It sounds like your sister reached out to you in a positive way so I'd say there is hope for your relationship. You obviously had a close relationship in the past so I believe it is likely repairable. You seem to recognize that your sister being out of state limits what she can do to help in the caretaking, but you add "won't". What do you expect her to do? If you know of something that is feasible, tell her. Have you told her that while it is not easy, taking care of your dad it is YOUR CHOICE, you do the best you can, and the best thing she could do is be supportive of your decisions. If you emphasize that you do all the work will not help the relationship. Tell her that you are glad she is able to talk to your dad but would rather hear about what he seems to be enjoying doing rather than a repeat of his complaints. At the same time express your opinion that you think it is dad just complaining and it may be because he recognized his own decline and can't do as much as he used to. That sense of losing independence is probably as hard or harder on your dad as it is for you seeing the decline that results in him losing some of his independence. Tell her that if she has any ideas to help him be happier, you are open to suggestions. Has your dad or sister ever suggested other living arrangements like a retirement home? If so, have you researched it to see if it is feasible?

Have you told her that you would like to have more conversations like the one on your birthday? Tell her that you are glad to update her on your dad but you want to keep up on her and her family and share information about your daughter and others.

My relationship with siblings was fractured years ago and my mother has made it worse - intentionally.

I have had to accept that my mother will lie to me and about me. She will “need” me to wait on her hand and foot, then the moment one of the siblings shows up, all of sudden she can do everything herself. What they don’t see after they leave is how exhausted she is.

I don’t live with my mother or near her. But I am her go-to the moment she needs care and help.

It is in her best interest now to keep us at odds. I am the last hold out for putting her in an Alf and taking her car keys. Both siblings have told her she “doesn’t need” to put anything in a trust they want all of her money to be used to “take care of her”. They don’t understand what is going to happen to EVERYTHING if she goes into an ALF. I have my doubts she can live on $50 a month, since her cell phone bill is more than that. I’m not sure who my siblings think is going to pay for other things. Lowball guess is roughly $200 a month unless she is almost fully incapacitated.

I am in the same situation. Going on ten years now for me. I have 4 siblings who all live within a couple miles from my parents. My husband and I live 70 miles away yet have responsibility for handling their household, coordinating their care, and even doing direct care on weekends or when caregivers don’t show up. I am a therapist but have never been able to change the dynamic. My mother is the central problem. She talks behind my back - complains about, blames, and accuses me of things I’m not doing as part of a whole “projection” process. I assure you I’ve tried EVERYTHING with my siblings and nothing works. I think this is because:
(1) they don’t want to do anything that disrupts their life,
(2) they don’t care enough,
(3) they need an excuse for abandoning their parents to relieve their guilt, and
(3) they have drank my mother’s “koolaid” and believe her lies, and perceptions.

So I’ve concluded that nothing I do is going to work because of these things. A harsh reality. I focus on what I believe is right, I have gone no contact with 2 of them, and I am hanging by a thread with the other two trying to decide if I want to completely lose any possibility of seeing my nieces and nephews if I tell them what I really think about what they’ve done to my husband and I.

I suggest a book. This is someone I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. Her work is very well researched and vetted in clinical practice. I think you will find it both validating and helpful as you walk this difficult path (see below. It’s on Amazon). The author has recently started a You tube channel that you might find helpful.

I’m anxious for it to be over. I don’t know if my relationships with my siblings will ever recover. They would have to be willing to look at THEIR role in why we are having problems, in order for these to healthy relationships for me.

Goid luck and god bless you for what you are doing.

“Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role Paperback – September 28, 2020 - Rebecca Mandeville - on Amazon

You Tube - Search: Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT

Adding to my answer... you asked about your relationship. I didn't get into that directly, but it sounds like you are on the right track. My answer deals more with your stress and your Dad's, which is more getting at the root. I believe your sibling relationship will naturally once again thrive, once the elephant in the room is addressed; the stress of caring for your Dad. :) Again, best to you!

That is beyond tough. 😔 You obviously love your Dad a great deal, and you WILL get through this. 🌞 A few helpful thoughts...

Your Dad likely has depression. Who wouldn't, under their circumstances? They are vulnerable, have lost their independence, and are facing their last years. So hard to even imagibe that dark cloud. I have found in most caregiving situations that many of these vulnerable adults end up needing someone to blame. With my Mom, I was the main caregiver but had several siblings helping. If I was alone, I'd be the target. If another person came on board, the new one was the target. It strained our relationships, even when we all understood the situation. And we were bitter against those who didn't help, too.

What worked:

Get some additional, non-family help. You are burnt out (tge bitterness), and need some relief, even if for a couple hours a week! That little bit of freedom is amazing. They will soon be the depression target (unfortunately), and your Dad will value you more. You may get an earful at first, but just be understanding hiw everything is hard for him right now and be positive. Slowly add hours as your Dad gets used to them, whatever the budget will allow. If he is against that, I would start with "a friend is coming over". Sometimes my Mom enjoyed having someone new there! Keep in mind that who you like may not be who your Dad likes. We had a couple people, one for us to get things done, one my Mom liked more, for less hours. Maybe your sister would help pay for that, if needed. I originally paid for our help myself, just to show my sibling who said no on the budget, how helpful & needed it was.

Your bitterness. Totally understandable, but it is working against both you and your Dad. When I gave up the bitterness, my Mom was so much happier and me too!!! When my Mom later needed 24/7 bedridden care and was extreme dementia'd, and I was the main care even more, I felt ready! I felt like I was invinceable and it shocked hospice at my stamina and patience. How did I do that?

I let go. I just quit my bitterness. I decided to be grateful for who I was, my makeup, my location, my work situation, and be glad I could be there for my Mom. Keep in mind, I originally the worst relationship with my Mom of all my 6 siblings. Anyways, I pretended I only had the siblings I had, and decided that those who weren't there simply couldn't be. For one reason or another. I also soon became the example for the bitter siblings that did help.

Balance. I had a day off each week that was a real getaway. For me that was out to my horse with my husband. For me, 15 minutes with an animal is a reset. And with my Mom, because you need some sanity moments there too, doing a little gardening for her, watching a movie with her, or cooking could be a reset. Sometimes just walking away, getting a few minutes of quiet and deep breathing in another room helps in a emotion charged pinch.

BIG: I focused on my Mom. Total focus on her. What were her needs? What would make her happier, healthier? How could I make her last days the best days yet? What did I need to work on in me??? I was no longer satisfied with a day that went by where she wasn't enriched in some way. This meant arranging visits, therapy, whatever I could bring in to brighten her day ( and mine!). Flowers, my singing, sunshine, good TV shows, live music, good food, brushing her hair, doing her nails, giving her purpose by having her do things.

And a loving, gentle me.

When in her dementia she was so scared that she would bite us, we thought the answer was to restrain her. I soon learned that scared her more, and what she needed was love. I would simply & sweetly tell her she didn't need to bite, that we were helping her, and it worked! Gentle bred gentle, even when logic was gone. :)

And lastly, for me, Prayer. Which was first for me. That helped me greatly to be gentle, and to let go, and to see how I needed to change.

With that I say best of luck, an

When my mom passed last year, as soon as her apt was emptied and the funeral was over--we kids all kind of went back to our private lives and we don't really speak anymore.

It's exactly what I expected and I am sorry for it, but I knew mom was the only thing keeping us 'together'.

No one is mad, we are all just went our own ways.

We get along, we just don't see each other or hang out anymore.

It isn't uncommon for families to fracture after the last parent passes away. I wouldn't be surprised if I never see my YS again in my life.

We do love each other, but it is what it is. Maybe in time we'll find a way back to being a 'family' but right now, not so much.

Hello, You hold your head high. Your conscious will sustain you, because you are doing what’s right for your dad, regardless of his innuendos and rambling.

Make your sister aware of the behaviors of folk with dementia ( how they can literally turn on you and yes lie as well, their truth is distorted because of the disease 😔). I hope she will be able to comprehend it all because it can be overwhelming. And possibly let her read some of the answers here in this forum.

Like you’ve said your father won’t always be around and then all you’ll have is each other and prayerfully in a healthy, loving and non toxic relationship 💕
Wishing you the best outcome 😊

My partner and I are family mediators who work exclusively with older siblings, most of whom are having conflicts regarding the care of their parents. This is not therapy with a long series of sessions that explore relationships but is, instead, a quicker, less expensive option that addresses specific conflicts and issues.
These are delicate situations, fraught with different emotions -- sadness, fear, anxiety and, for the caregivers, exhaustion. Our clients sit down and have a facilitated conversation about the issues they are dealing with and work out a plan for moving forward. The siblings may never be best friends, but they can discuss the problems, find solutions, and begin to be able to talk to one another again. Unfortunately, many of the people who contact us are already in the midst of a crisis (a parent is about to be released from rehab and nobody has ever discussed a plan for a disabled, elderly parent). We encourage people to consider mediation before a crisis, with the possible participation of an elderly parent who could get a say in what he/she wants.
In any case, mediation is an option. It has a successful track record of resolving conflicts.

Wish I had the answer. A few weekends past, my older sister came to see our Mom. She began ranting about things in her life that annoy her. Another sister was here also. Every Saturday they come over and b*tch. I understand they have things in their lifes that need attn. That Saturday, I asked if we could not be so negative and just have a positive day. I cant take any more of this negativity today. Well...They got up and left. Im out of here. I said, really ? This is the hill ur going to stand on ? I ask nothing from any of my 6 siblings. I dont complain about caring for our Mother 24/7 365 days for 8 years . I don't ask for money, days off, vacation etc etc. I cant have the negativity here. It effects me and riles Mom up. At this point, Im better off with none coming to see her.

My grandmother used to do this to her 4 grand children. She would pit them against one another. I hated my one cousin because my grandmother sang her praises to me all the time. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized she was trying to get me to compete for her affections. Now cousin and I are close.

Growing up my father was the golden child. When my grandmother got old my parents did try and visit once a week even with the long distance. But they could never do right by her. All she talked about was how wonderful her younger son was. He lived 3 miles away and barely visited. Sent his wife over to take the abuse. But he bought her a new TV after she proclaimed this was 'her last Christmas". That made him golden. She had 15 "last Christmases". It became the running joke in the family. Yearly later when her golden son was diagnosed with cancer his wiseass son asked if he expected someone to buy him a new tv.

I like the suggestion that your sister cover for you for 2 weeks. However I doubt she will be willing. She would rather stay oblivious to the situation. Just have a talk with her. Tell her dad is trying to pit you against each other. Ask that she either not repeat what he said or tell him outright that if he has a problem with you he needs to speak to you not go through her. Or even better, have her tell him he is lucky to have you helping and he needs to start appreciating you more. And that she is done hearing about this.

My husband has 5 brothers and we have been taking care of my MIL and his Stepfather for 8 years. No one wanted to help. My husband now suffers from depression....that's what happened because of no family support. we hired a nursing company and moved a couple hours away. I still do alot from a distance but the one thing that I added was a group text letting them know what is going on. It's not a solution and sometimes their texts are like " really guys? "At least my husband does not feel alone. Struggling with losing Parents and your siblings at the same time is so difficult especially when that is the time everyone doing their part is so important. So sorry for what you are going through.

I'm here to simply say that I relate.

I've been living with my parents to help caretake my mother for 8 months now, it's been unrelenting and brutal.

My brother is 'off the hook' as he's married with 1 kid at home, lives 2 hours away. Calls weekly and visits every 2-3 months for 3 hours.

I'm resentful & bitter that I have no one to lean on.

I also have come to the realization that if someone loves you, they would try to help you, that caring is a verb. I realize how little, if at all, anyone cares, with their hollow inquiries.

Sending love.

I had three older brothers; Mom adored them all. She really didn't like me much but I was the one who took care of her. She told me often how wonderful the boys were when they did NOTHING to help. The relationships with my brothers have suffered and are not repairable and that's OK. They showed their true colors and I understand they share my mother's feelings for me. I send Christmas cards and talk once in awhile but my life does not need them. I have children and friends who love and respect me. My brothers did not want to believe reality when I lived it every day. I do not miss them or long for relationships with them. Sometimes it's OK to let go.

It helps if the other sibling knows that the complaints are usually about the person doing the most work. Mean to them, and complaints to the others who don’t really know what’s going on. It’s the norm, and it proves nothing.

The ways to get a handle on reality aren’t easy:
- Swap places for a fortnight. That’s long enough for the ‘gloss’ to wear off, and for sister to check in person on what is going on – Dad’s expectations and behavior, carers load and behavior. However changing lives for a fortnight wipes out annual leave and isn’t attractive.
- Send Dad over to stay with sister for the fortnight. Let sister experience the problems of his routine, and at least some of the complaints.
- Let sister pay for a live-in carer for the fortnight. Give you a break, and the carer reports back to sister with an outsider’s view of the situation.
- At a minimum, ask sister to change the approach. “Dad’s complaining yet again, is there anything at all in this?” is easier to deal with than sister reporting the complaints as if they are all true and she is ‘on his side’. Being ‘on his side’ might seem to her to be her own useful contribution to Dad. It’s not.

Just telling sister how hard this is being for you, how common it is, and that you have received these suggestions, might shift the dynamic a bit. Good luck.