How does one handle taking away the ability to drive? My father is miserable and daily asks, pleads, argues and threatens to drive.

deborah, I was wondering about the hallucinations. Has your Dad been checked to see if he has an Urinary Tract Infection? Since an infection at his age can cause all types of major symptoms such as hallucinations. Such a test can be done at Dad's primary doctor's office or even at urgent care.

I remember when my Dad wanted to start driving again it was major arguments. I used "theraputic fibs" to try to convince Dad that if he was in a serious accident he could lose everything he and Mom had saved plus their house. The main reason for these arguments was because I wasn't driving my parents enough. I just couldn't take more time off from work to take my parents grocery shopping.... [sigh]. They refused taxi cabs or community bus service.

Letting your dad drive just once isn't going to help him come to terms with not being able to drive anymore. I know it hurts to see him so sad. I went through the same thing with my dad.

Someone who hallucinates shouldn't be behind the wheel regardless of what time of day the hallucinations occur. It just isn't safe. My dad had terrible health when he gave up driving and he didn't give it up easily. It was a very long, ongoing process that continued until his health had deteriorated to the point where driving wasn't even an issue anymore. He lived with me and we had numerous conversations about the driving. It was exhausting. He'd wear me down. But I knew once was all it took. Just one accident. He could get sued, he could injure someone, or injure himself. I wanted to throw my hands in the air out of sheer heartbreak and exasperation.

Stay committed. If you let your dad drive just once the issue will start all over again from the beginning only this time it'll be, "I drove that one time to the store and everything was fine!" It'll weaken your resolve and your argument and it won't help your dad in the slightest.

Many of us here have gone through the same thing. If you search the site you'll see numerous posts on the topic. It's just one more thing our elderly parents have to face as they grow infirm and one more thing we have to deal with as their adult children. It's not easy but it is common.

Oh boy. My dad was happiest sitting in his truck in driveway with country music on. The driving thing takes a man down. Woman not as bad. I took both parents out for all of our combined errands. It still wasn’t enough as having your own freedom. Good luck, and prayers

Some of your dad's problems sound like "mis-medicated" - hallucinations can come from something simple, like Benedryl. When was your father last examined and did the physician review his medications?? So many seniors are over-medicated. If a medicine produces a side-effect, another medication is prescribed for the side-effect?!

Who determined that your father should not drive? And why? "Moderate Dementia" might not be enough reason - I fear most of us could be diagnosed that way today.

My father's heart doctor advised me, in front of dad, to "not be in a hurry to allow him to drive again." After avoiding a very near miss on a chain-reaction crash, my father was glad I was driving and not him - he said his reflexes would not have allowed him to avoid the crash of many vehicles. He taught me to always look for a place to go to avoid being the back car in a crash; ie: sidewalk, turn lane, shoulder.

I would advise you to speak with your dad's doctors to get their opinion of his driving capabilities. My dad was still driving when he was 82 but after his heart stents, he did quit driving at 83. He had been diagnosed as "early onset alzheimers" at the age of 82 but it never progressed. He had been mis-diagosed for Parkinson's and on medication for Parkinson's for 15 years - only to learn at 82 that he never had the disease. There is no way to determine what that medicine did to his body in 15 years. When he was diagnosed, it was a visual examination. A PET scan proved what I always believed, he never had Parkinson's.

Talk to dad's physicians to find out the best course of action.

Your father is unsafe behind the wheel. Do not give in to his pleas. The main reason this is an issue for him is because driving was tied up with his identity, because that's what he did for a living. It's less about "wanting to drive" than it is to "reestablish his sense of identity."

BTW - we must remember that driving is not a "right;" it is a privilege. When the state says that we are unsafe behind the wheel, then that privilege can be revoked. Any citizen can call the Department of Motor Vehicles and report a driver as unsafe, whether it is their elderly parent or a complete stranger. They will administer a driving test to that person.

DeborahO, for what it's worth I think you are handling this with sensitivity and empathy towards your father while protecting public safety. If I were using the roads in your neighbourhood you would have my sincere gratitude for your good sense and firmness. I only wish it were less miserable for you.

Sympathise with your father, you understand him very well; but when it comes to his taking the wheel, go deaf.

I love shaking’s solution!  That gave me a little slice of joy this morning.  I wanted to tell her this, but had no route to do so.  Can you not message other people to say thanks or send a hug anymore?

For whoever has this option, wouldn’t it be nice to get them a golf cart or cushman and accompany them on toots around the neighborhood? Not saying it wouldn’t have its own risks, but it’s a thought. Or some kind of bicycle with a cart or three wheels, if the person was fit enough. Like a big wheel for seniors! There is not enough embrace and innovation in this area yet, letting them experience things safely. Prayers that we’re moving that way... love the video reports on senior homes being aligned with children’s nurseries or animal rescue groups. I think they’re always in Holland.

Losing driving ability can also be hard on women. Our mother had to take over all driving once our father could not. She was used to taking herself all over the place even before that, but being the sole driver for many years made it hard to take the car away! He passed away in 2008, so she had about another 7 years or so of driving (she was about 91-92 when we had to stop her.) Had my younger brother told me about the accident she had that took out the front end of the car, I would *NOT* have facilitated getting her license renewed (we had to get eye doc note and make a trip to the RMV to do this.)

She managed to ruin the front end a second time (repair shop told me then about the fact that he had already replaced the nose of this car!), but she continued to drive after it was repaired. When I got a call from her about a flat tire, I brought my portable air pump only to find the tire split open from rim to ground! The tire rim was ruined as well, from driving on it that way. Metal wheel well trim all mucked up, white stripes on both sides from scraping the garage trim... At some point we found the inspection sticker was expired! As dragonflower says, and I told her as well, driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT! If one cannot do simple maintenance, ensure the auto is up to snuff AND cannot know or understand where any damage came from, it is time to hang up those keys! I had to chat with local brother and we went together to tell her she needed to stop - he did all the talking and took the keys. On the way out, I asked him to disable it as well, because I was sure she had another set of keys. Sure enough, next day I get a nasty message demanding I return the keys I took. I was able to say I never touched the keys and was asked well who did then - response was you're so smart, you figure it out! If she cannot recall my brother talking to her and taking the keys, it IS time! Day two - even NASTIER call demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car! So, indeed she DID have another set of keys, rummaged around and managed to find them and attempted to go out. Once again I could honestly say I did not touch her car and then state I'm not a mechanic, I have no idea what is wrong with it (that second part was a fib.)

For many months after she demanded her car back, bitched about losing her "wheels", and being unable to get out and go where she wants when she wants. She had been doing less and less driving on her own, not driving at night, then restricting her trips to very local places (was becoming unable to find her way back if someone else was driving!) Her last excuse was "I don't go far." Doesn't matter mom, if you go 2 feet and hit someone or something, you can get sued and lose everything! But she would still insist. They really don't understand. Funny that it eventually that became HER decision, stating the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels!" Eventually that stopped too. She complains now about being bored, there's nothing to do here (MC), etc.

BTW, the doctors were of no help - simply writing a note telling her it wasn't safe for her to drive was NOT cutting it! I found that doctors do not want to get in the middle of this issue. Police generally also do not get involved until something happens - but then it could be too late!!!

You have to stand your ground. Just dementia alone can lead to dangerous driving and/or getting lost. The hallucinating is even worse! Letting him drive "sometimes" is just going to reinforce his need to drive. Sounds like there are multiple vehicles involved. Is there any way to move them elsewhere or better yet sell them? Out of sight, out of mind. Only keep your car(s) there If he asks where his are, say they are in the shop getting repaired/tune up, out for inspection, employee delivering something or doing work somewhere. There are many excuses you can use - be creative!! Also, don't feed into it and do not try to argue the issue with him - it's a no win situation! If he asks, defer it to later (we'll see, busy now, maybe later, etc.) Change the subject whenever possible. Try telling him it is doctor orders, so until doctor gives okay, he cannot drive (always good to lay them blame on someone else, who is not there!)

shakingdustoff - eeek! What state are you in? I want to avoid that Walmart!!! ;-D

Has your Dad's license been taken away from him ?
My husband has Lewy Body and his doctor sent this information to
the license bureau .
He goes Monday to see if he is okay to drive.They will decided if he keeps his
license or not.
He does not drive much now and lets me do most of the driving.
He just wants it in case of emergency.
I am lucky that he understands what he has and accepts it.
Good luck with your Dad.

Retirement is often hard even for folks who are cognitively intact, especially when they've had their own company, especially when they've had the same job (or related jobs) for years and years, especially if their whole identity has been tied up in their work.

Sounds like your dad qualifies on all counts -- and with the 'retirement' being forced because of dementia.

I think it's a compassionate solution to let him sit in the cars as long as there's no risk of him starting them up. Taking the keys is first, of course, but some simple disablement of the engine would be ideal. (I'd say disconnect the battery, but not if he's listening to the radio there.) In the old days I'd have removed the distributor cap, but don't know enough about modern ignition systems to have a recommendation.

I agree that allowing one trip would just restart the conversation. But he sure wouldn't be the first old guy to want to sit in the favorite car, even if it was up on blocks and completely unable to run.

This is a tough one, the driving issues are different for everyone to a degree I think. My dad was a truck driver, now partially disabled, better part of his life wrapped around his truck. He can't process thought fast enough to drive, can't hang onto a steering wheel, can't even put his foot on the break. Our driving issues ended with a sibling putting dad in his truck so he could drive down the road, that was the idea the sibling had anyway, he couldn't lift dad into the truck, he was like 200 lbs of jello, dad couldn't even hang onto anything to help. Anyway, you're in a hard spot, you've probably tried already, I'd say lock the vehicles, put the keys up and away, far away, sell the vehicles he drives. I think the Walmart cart in the store is a good idea. I'd do that but my dad can't even hang on to that. Maybe find other things your dad really enjoys to fill time that'll wear him out, gardening, working on stuff. Everybody has something. My dad talks about riding the 4wheeler and mowing my yard for me, I just nod my head and go about my business, he forgets. Good luck.

Get all driving and trips out of the way before the time comes that you may have to give up driving.

Do not under any circumstances allow him to drive. He could cause an accident or end up in a neighboring city or state. There may also be legal implications if he caused an accident and you allow your impaired father to operate a vehicle. Consider contacting your state's department of motor vehicles to report an unsafe driver (this is confidential in my state). Develop a thick skin and divert his attention to another activity when he has an urge to drive. Good luck, be creative, and breathe.

Hi DeborahO and Everyone. I won’t break this down into individual responses this time, but want to put my “two cents” in. First let me apologize for writing a “book”. I went through the question of driving 13 years ago when my honey had his strokes. Initially he did not ask as his vision was so bad and he was not capable of driving (he would get lost once we were 2 houses from home). As the years passed and my honey became used to his vision impairment and the question of my honey driving arose more and more. At first I used the reason of him getting lost so easily as the reason I refused to allow him to drive. (By the way he wandered away from home on foot and was found over a mile and half from home and did not know where he was at or how to get home. I had called the police and they were the ones that had found him.)

To make a long story short, he has improved from his strokes over the years though he still has the vision issue and the issue of getting lost (now it is when we are farther from home). But now the severe heart problem has complicated the issue of driving even more. He still does not drive (I have both sets of keys) though he threatens to periodically. When he does I just remind him that he is not on the insurance. My honey tries guilt trips (doesn’t work), tries anger and then goes back to guilt trips which doesn’t faze me.

I was an insurance adjuster for many years and my specialty was handling the aftermath of auto accidents (both personal and commercial). I have seen what happens not only when someone gets careless, but when someone drives who does not have the mental alertness or the coordination and reflexes to drive. If a person is lucky it can be as minor as a fender bender, but it can be to the other extreme as well. In any case it can mean tragedy physically, emotionally and financially. I will not risk this to ease the turmoil that my honey feels when it concerns driving. I do know that in the end the owner of the vehicle is responsible when someone drives with permission. If damages are above the policy limit the owner of the vehicle becomes financially responsible for the balance of damages. But the worst part is if the loved one, or another party, are injured or killed nothing can make up for that.

Please understand, I am not trying to be harsh but it scares me to death to think of my honey behind the wheel of a vehicle. As to Wal-Mart and grocery store ride ‘em carts, I use one as I cannot walk long distances, but will not let my honey due to his vision as I am concerned he would run over someone or forget which was forward and would hit reverse.

This is a question that each person, as caregiver, has to address with regard to a loved one. And it is not an easy decision. I know personally, though it will be hard, I will turn in my keys voluntarily when I am approaching the point that I can no longer drive safely. I did not drive for two years (voluntarily-for this reason doctor did not report it to the state) when I had an active seizure disorder (It now has been dormant for over 15 years and no meds in that length of time) and again took myself off driving when it became unsafe prior to going totally blind with cataracts (took a cab everywhere – no Uber then). I will continue to refuse to allow my honey to drive though he is ½ owner of our vehicle. It is just not worth the chance.

Y’all have a great day!

Taking away a parent's car is one of the hardest things we have to do. I was fortunate that one of my Mom's doctors was a peach. He told her AAA had a driving course.. if she could pass the course then he didn't see a reason why she couldn't drive.

The course was one where you could practice on the comp[uter first before taking the live class. I bought the CD's( that's how long ago it was)  and set them up for Mom... After numerous tries and crashing every time; she gave up and told me she had decided that it was best if she didn't drive anymore.

I know they still have the course so you might want to check with them and see how it works. She would never have given up no matter what I said... but if AAA said NO she accepted that. I thank her doctor every day.

The short answer is:
(1) get an MD's approval/notification that it is not safe for him to drive;
(2) Take a part out of the car engine so he cannot start the engine (easy to do).
(2a) Take the keys away.
(3) Alert local police of the situation if he calls (if he can call them).
(4) Know in advance he'll be angry - at you - and pre-program how you will handle it - separating his anger towards you and how you keep yourself emotionally protected during these moments. I hope this helps. Gena

(4) If you are not already, see about being the POA.

I just went through this with my husband. In California if you are over 70 you have to take a written test every 4 years. It consists of 18 questions and you are allowed to miss 3. His Doctor reported him to DMV and they called him in for testing. He missed 4, but the examiner basically helped him answer one so he missed 3. I was so upset. Then they gave him a driving test on streets he has lived in all of his life with no traffic. He passed (uggh). He scared me so bad on the freeway I wouldn't ride on one with him.

A few months later, his license was due and he went in for the written test. He failed. They gave him a 2 months extension (sigh). Poor guy took the test 6 times failing by one each time. During this time he had a fender bender that was his fault. I made an appointment with his Gerontologist and emailed him before the appointment to tell him what was going on. HE told my husband not to drive. He talked about the legal liability and how if he hurt someone they could take everything we owned. So, he agreed to quit driving.

In the meantime I hid every extra key I could find. He gave me the truck key, warning me it was the only one and to be careful. He forgot I had my own set which I had put in a lock-box that he can't open. I was careless and a few days later he took his key off of my key-ring and wouldn't give it back because he was going to drive. He couldn't because my car was parked behind the truck and he couldn't get past it. I didn't move my car for three days until I could get the key back. I needed it because I had to put my car in the shop for a week or so.

In a better moment he decided to give the truck to a grandson. So, it is gone. Very hard on him and me. I hide my keys now or have them on my person 24 hours a day. It may never come up again, because he never drove my car. I drove even when we went somewhere.

Lots of luck, no easy thing. Sometimes when people say "take the keys" I don't think they have a clue how that is going to be done. Wrestle them out of the parent's cold dead fingers? I told my husband I wasn't going to wrestle him for the keys, I just left my car parked behind the truck and didn't move it.

Oh I am just praying for the time to come when I should not drive! I have never really like to drive all that much, especially in heavy or city traffic, and yet the past four years I have, because of medical reasons and now my husband's dementia, had to become the primary driver for our household. Husband is angry-keys have to be hidden, our last car was a mess cosmetically, due to his many "fender benders", and hitting the sides of the garage door opening, among other things-backing out of the garage with the door down. But as for me, I could give it all up right now and am so worried about how we will manage when I can no longer drive. I realize that most folks-especially men, but lots of women too, equate driving with independence which we are all going to lose at some point. As we oldsters are living longer, it is so important to have real conversations with our loved ones and not only do we as seniors avoid these, some of our kids refuse to "talk the talk". No simple answers at all here. What works for one may not work for another. I have, of course, been researching senior transportation options, but the problem with most is the need to schedule ahead of time, and that the vans do not run every day to every location. Taxis and Uber and Lyft are way out of our budget. 

Dear Sir,

Might I suggest that you go to the DMV and ask them if they could assist you in their coming up with a reason to deny your father a new license? My local DMV has a great intake staff that I found helpful. If they agree to help you could have your father loose his license and then you take him down for a replacement. Then if the DMV staff person sees you she can have someone insist that they give your Dad a renewal test and then tell him he failed.

Or go to the family doctor and have him write a note to DMV also saying in his professional opinion your father should not be allowed to drive anymore. This way you can empathize with him and say you are sorry that the big old bad state took his privileges to drive away.

Hallucinations:: I found that two medications were part of the culprit of my mother hallucinating last September until my discovery in December. Two medications were documented as being partially the problem: Pepsid (Rare but Well documented and Zofran for nausea. Google search every drug (even over the counter herbal supplements) with the search terms: Hallucinatikn, Confusion, Agitation, etc.

I know this may sound harsh but aside from removing the car it can be disabled by removing the distribtutor cap or the battery cable.... Some times lying is the best way to handle a parent.
Hide the keys is another way
My mother s doctor convinced her not to drive she was angry but eventually got over it
It's difficult for everyone but it is worth it in the long run
Good luck

Being able to shop online for many goods from the comfort of ones home, makes it a little easier to give up driving. Walmart and/or Amazon shopping can be addictive and convenient as well.

I wouldnt let him drive. Not even out of guilt. Not just down the block. Other people are on the road too! I'm on the road too. What about their rights? What about children riding in cars? They deserve to have people who are mentally capable of driving on the road too.
I would fib to my loved one to de-stress the situation. I would tell him he drove to the store and helped get groceries. He wont remember. Its not hurtful. Its to keep the calm and peace. And more importantly keep the public safe! Driving is not a right.
If he is hallucinating, Why would you give him keys to a 1000 lb vehicle? That's crazy! He could hit the gas instead of the brakes. It has happened many times before. Its on the news every so often. There could be injuries, or worse, maybe a death. It is not just your dad on the roads.
I dont understand the guilt? If it was your child and they wanted to do something unsafe and dangerous, you would be firm, say no, and not feel guilty. It's to protect them.

We allowed our Dad's license to expire. Once it was expired he was told that he couldn't drive without his license. When he asked about getting it renewed, we would tell him he had to pass the written test and the driver's test. He didn't think he could do that and we agreed with him. This conversation has taken place many times with the same agreed upon outcome.

I wouldnt let him drive. Not even out of guilt. Not just down the block. Other people are on the road too! I'm on the road too. What about their rights? What about children riding in cars? They deserve to have people who are mentally capable of driving on the road too.
I would fib to my loved one to de-stress the situation. I would tell him he drove to the store and helped get groceries. He wont remember. Its not hurtful. Its to keep the calm and peace. And more importantly keep the public safe! Driving is not a right.
If he is hallucinating, Why would you give him keys to a 1000 lb vehicle? That's crazy! He could hit the gas instead of the brakes. It has happened many times before. Its on the news every so often. There could be injuries, or worse, maybe a death. It is not just your dad on the roads.
I dont understand the guilt? If it was your child and they wanted to do something unsafe and dangerous, you would be firm, say no, and not feel guilty. It's to protect them.

Our mom's driving skills had already been deteriorating well before her stroke, so we were already having the conversation on what to do, when, and how to take the keys. I agree that the concept of "just take the keys" gets thrown around pretty loosely and is much easier said than done. Public safety is paramount & we knew this. We knew it was slowly becoming more urgent to take action when a dear family friend (who is the same age as Mom) contacted us to make sure we knew about Mom's declining driving skills. There had also been a few minor accidents - which of course were not HER fault - yeah, right. There was also a speeding ticket where Mom stated: "I was driving so fast I could not read the speed limit sign." Oh brother!!!

Fortunately, Mom was not driving when her stroke happened - but she has not driven since. During her rehab stint, she discussed the car constantly (buying tires for it, what to do about the scratches on it, would someone please take it out on the road while she was recovering, etc) and we assume she was looking for reassurances that she WOULD indeed be driving again. We all knew she likely would not & even as time passed, we continued to see not a shred of evidence that she would, could, or should drive.

Once she was home, she was non compliant with most of her care. She complained constantly, didn't do her prescribed rehab home exercises, sat in her chair to be waited on hand and foot, you name it. She did little to nothing to aid in her own recovery. And this woman wants to drive?? She had urine and stool accidents - even though her toilet was 6 feet away from her chair where she sat all day.

One of her home health "therapists" (very low quality and not the greatest people), told her she could be tested to drive (our state offers this option) and she should ask for the test that's geared towards older people who possibly should not be on the road. Mom's condition was so bad that we could not imagine her doing that (ever) and we weren't real happy that it was suggested without asking us first. We told Mom no driving, no driving tests, and no further discussion until after she saw neurology for her outpatient appt.

Neuro doctor took one look at her, took one look at her medical records, and looked directly at her and said: "Your driving days are over. And do NOT even consider trying to take the driving test." We didn't even have to ask about driving.  He knew Mom wanted to know & he jumped right in.  Of course, there are times when she claims not to remember this being said, but it WAS said and we were more than happy to abide by it.

My advice to you is do not let him drive because the consequences could be worse than you'd ever guess. And, if he manages to drive a short distance without incident, then what's next? The freeway? Call his doctor's office. Tell them you are addressing this issue and you know he's not capable to drive but you need confirmation and documentation of this to satisfy your father. Doctors deal with this all the time. And, most will be more cautious than anything else - especially if you've already given them the background info before the appointment and there's already some documentation of the dementia you mention.

We have been going back and forth with this for months now. MIL hasn't driven anyway since December of last year because she couldn't physically get to her car and physically could not get in and out of it because of edema.
She had a fall, was hospitalized and when she came out of rehab she decided she'd start driving again.
Three doctors recommended to her "do not drive" as her legs were so swelled and she had poor reflexes.

She heard the swelled part and since her rehab the edema has reduced. She is certain she can drive. She and my husband who has DPOA ...have argued and it got nasty a few times.
He took her car and brought it to our farm.

She was hot as a cat on a hot tin roof.
Last week she had another test and the doctor told her she should not drive. He tried to explain to her that she had a lack of spatial understanding and that driving would be dangerous.
She is sure she will drive again soon.

The car is parked in a pasture.

My two friends for whom I am their POA had their licenses revoked. Their doctor contacted the DMV that they shouldn't be driving due to dementia issues. The DMV sent them a notice they would have to pass the written and driving test within 90 days or their licenses would automatically be revoked. To be able to be tested, they had to bring a note from their doctor that it would be safe for them to do the behind-the-wheel test. Their doctor would not give that approval, so the licenses were revoked. But they still had their license in their wallets and thought everything was fine and kept driving.
I phoned adult protective services for advice and when someone calls, they have to come out and do a "wellness" check. I got there first so they would let her in. I explained someone had called and the lady had to check on their well-being--it was required by law. She asked them how they got their groceries and the husband admitted to driving. When reminded his license was revoked, he acted surprised. Later she asked him what he thought they should do with their car if they couldn't drive. The husband quickly answered: "Sell it and get some money out of it." At that point he was willing to give me the keys, which he had refused to do before when I asked for them. I moved the car to a friend's garage so we could get it ready to sell and then sold it.
After that, I took them grocery shopping once a week and to any of their appointments and occasionally out for breakfast like they had been doing. We got a phone call a couple of months later from the husband complaining "Their cars were gone!" We explained why and that was the end of it.
Adult Protective Services were the key to the solution. I had considered other options, like disabling the car, but worried they would simply call a car repair service to find out why it wouldn't start and continue driving. There were no children or other family members to be involved, so none of those were complicating factors. That made my job easier in a way. I just had to figure out the best solution and, luckily, I found one.
Because I wasn't living with them, I had none of the complaining situations to deal with.
When my father's doctor told my sister my father should no longer drive, she had my younger brother disable the car. Then my father kept calling my sister every time he got something in the mail that needed to be taken care of right away. That got old quickly since she lived about an hour away. I lived two states away so didn't have to be part of that. I sympathize with the reluctance to quit driving. I love to drive, but at this point, I can't see myself not being able to give it up should I need to. Dementia issues may change this, of course, and that is what the contributors to this site are dealing with. Maybe those self-driving cars, once perfected, will take care of the issue.