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My NPD/bipolar mom asked me today to do her a favor & send her mail. I go up every week to see her (2 hrs away). I won't do this as she hoards mail, even junk mail, in a BIG way. She binge watches TV & reads. That's pretty much it. She will drive down to pick up a few groceries around the corner. A neighbor drops by as well, and I take her shopping when I come up. I told her to read out on her patio or drive down the street (amazing shopping nearby) & walk around. Sit & have a coffee & read. Change up her location. Does your parent also complain about being bored/lonely & yet refuse to be physically active? Have they never been into self-soothing activities/hobbies?

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How your mother chooses to spend her time is up to HER. Nothing you say or do is likely to change her mind, so all your suggestions are falling on deaf ears. The answer for you isn't in getting HER to change her habits, but in getting YOU to change your expectations of her. If/when the chronic complaining starts, then you change your behaviors by cutting down your visits from once a week to twice a month and then once a month, etc. You're not obligated to be a sounding board for all that negative energy she's sending your way. Let her know that when she's ready to change her attitude or do something that brings her happiness, THEN you'll be more prone to spending extra time with her. But for now, you'll limit your exposure to the toxic fumes.

Good luck!
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The complaints of boredom drive me crazy. One day comes to mind when she was still "independent" and I desperately needed her to locate within her home and give to me a particular financial/legal document. I told her I'd be on the run all day doing WAY more than one person should, but that I'd stop by (at some point) to pick up the much-needed document we had been discussing. I showed up, out of breath, and was greeted with her complaints of boredom and her proclamation that she "didn't do nuthin all day." I asked about the document she was supposed to focus on finding (which would have given her something to do....). Her reply was a blank stare and a giggly "I forgot." Even when I gave her a "purpose" she still chose to do nothing. I do not believe it that she forgot. She doesn't want to say she is lazy, so she says she is bored. This is lifelong. Lack of goals, etc. But, to be fair, I think it did increase once the spouse died.

Her weight has been out of control for decades and I always wanted her to get a healthy cooking/eating guide and make that her hobby. I even made an attempt to teach her myself what a "portion size" really is, and I was her "cook" for a period of time until I realized she was lying to me about food she was sneaking behind my back.

When she was "well", she would go out and get fast food because she was "too busy" to cook and "it's too hard to cook for one person." Nevermind my coaching on portioning.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Thank you for sharing as you did/responding! I can relate soooo much, with the exception of my Mom is 5'5"...115 .. But she eats poorly....a ton of sugar. Think Will Ferrell in "ELF." My Dad was a FAB Doctor who was athletic & social. Lived for his pals he would meet with in the AM. ARGH to "She doesn't want to say she is lazy, so she says she is bored. This is lifelong. Lack of goals, etc." I could've written this. Do you mind my asking: does she have any Dementia? Her age? How close you live to her? How often you see & call her? Thx... Helps me so much.... PS I had to dig thru the garage to locate military documents so we could have them come to his Memorial. She said the papers were gone. Must've been tossed years ago. Told me she hadn't seen them in over 20 yrs. Took me an hour..but I found them in the garage. I have cried so much since August...his decline... & passing 7 wks ago. Better now.. little cries. Stay strong-keep the boundaries..
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I love your reply. Thank You! I commend all the over 70's who have built up a friendship & exercise/hobby base over the years... Balance & enjoying life.. at every age!
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Its not your problem to solve.

My Mum is 87, she walks her dog, works in her garden, volunteers, dragon boats, belongs to a book club, belongs to a social club that meets twice a month, on Zoom during Covid, just back to in person. She has friends over for dinner 1-2 times a month and dines at friends houses too. She does make up for local theatre productions, volunteers as an usher at the theatre, helps her elderly friends and much more.

My mother in law on the other hand barely left her house for years.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
LOVVVEEE & OMGGGGG to:
"My Mum is 87, she walks her dog, works in her garden, volunteers, dragon boats, belongs to a book club, belongs to a social club that meets twice a month, on Zoom during Covid, just back to in person. She has friends over for dinner 1-2 times a month and dines at friends houses too. She does make up for local theatre productions, volunteers as an usher at the theatre, helps her elderly friends and much more.

My mother in law on the other hand barely left her house for years."

*Might I ask: Did you Father pass some years ago? Your Mom is mentally strong?! No Dementia? Can you pls tell your Mom I am a FAN of her!
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My widowed mom is sedentary (was before his death 5 years ago), watches TV, folds the laundry, complains a lot, is not fulfilled. Also had mild/moderate dementia.

Complains about being bored/lonely yet refuses to do anything about it. Not physically active. But she's in PT right now so she's being forced to be more active than ever. Therapist comes twice a week and an additional private aide coming twice a week to do the prescribed PT with her.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
My Mom is the same. I know she is lonely. I tell her I would be. Tell her-her feelings are understandable. We are designed to be social. But, she has never cared much for friendships.. She says not a priority now.. When she asked me to send her mail the other day, my eyes bugged out (over the phone). She is hoarding mail & I am not going to contribute to the piles.. I can't be the solution to all. I will continue to do what I do for her + what feels best for me... I am better last few days bc of all these responses. I am up tomorrow & back tomorrow night...
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Seems your mom has been content for years with others directing her activities. She has no desire or experience with directing her own life. You can always give her ideas, but it is up to her to decide what to do. Maybe, you can ask her what she plans to do with her week and help her put together a weekly calendar.

My mom is late 70's, lives alone and stays busy. Currently, she has a friend from out of state visiting and staying with her for a couple of weeks. She attends a ladies' Bible study, volunteers weekly at a local food bank, and plays dominos with friends in her neighborhood. I visit weekly and drive her around to complete her errands since her vision is starting to go.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
How far do you live from her? You pegged my Mom...right. I told her when Covid takes a hike we could always check out Senior Activities in her community. Huge presence where she lives... Even with that.. I do not expect her to assimilate-be excited. She makes cracks re: having to hear about people's lives.. She reads, binges TV programs...goes up & down her stairs..short drives to the grocery store..and a neighbor and I visit.. She never had desire for social involvement.. One day at a time, I suppose...
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Reads, watches TV , goes thru his mail, cooks - doesn't want to go out . He was active before quarantine riding His bike . Covid really scared him . He got vaccinated - started having some falls - Once a Month . it is difficult to get him Out now .
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
How old is he? Lives alone? Heart or balance issues? Does he need a walker? I like that he cooks... What about board games?
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You've described an elder in my life, and it's very frustrating because she's relatively young and healthy, but will do NOTHING when by herself.

My grandmother was the opposite. Married decades, just like my m-i-l. After a period of mourning for a few months, my grandmother got involved in all sorts of volunteer activities. Almost one for every day of the week. She made friends everywhere she went. Got more involved in church. She'd take her dog on long walks and just strike up conversations with younger people. Gardened a ton. Drove her (younger) neighbors to the doctors. People her age couldn't keep up with her. She was a whirl of activity into her mid-nineties. Sometimes I'd visit and realize I was keeping her from whatever activity or social visit she'd had planned for the afternoon!
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
I LOOOOVVVEEE all this! "After a period of mourning for a few months, my grandmother got involved in all sorts of volunteer activities. Almost one for every day of the week. She made friends everywhere she went. Got more involved in church. She'd take her dog on long walks and just strike up conversations with younger people. Gardened a ton. Drove her (younger) neighbors to the doctors. People her age couldn't keep up with her. She was a whirl of activity into her mid-nineties. Sometimes I'd visit and realize I was keeping her from whatever activity or social visit she'd had planned for the afternoon!" ***We should all aspire to this!!!
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I would say that our parents remain just about exactly who they always WERE. My father was ill with an unknown blood dyscrasia taht made him mostly tired in his 90s. He, my Mom and the doc decided that, since he would not TREAT anything there was not a lot of sense to testing. My Mom thrived on caring for him the little he required. He died peacefully. They were the GREATEST LOVE STORY I ever knew for all their time together. In my own mind I feared my Mom would mourn all the rest of her time, and pass herself; she was then late 80s.
And she DID have to have a pacemaker soon after.
But she thrived. She got a smaller place, went to library often in her Senior complex, made friends, walked, told me "If I can stay WELL I would treasure a few more years of life". Over a glass of wine she could become weepy of an eve when we were visiting. Good memories recounted. Missing Dad. But she did well until her own death.
This was my experience as a nurse also. I think the brave die bravely, the kind die kindly, the non complainers without complaint, the complainers complaining and etc.
I think we often don't change a whole lot. Not that we CAN'T change. We can, but it takes work, courage, insight, determination.
My take only. Those of us who enjoy a good book, a good podcast, a good reality series, a good game of solitaire, a good walk, a plant we nurture, for the most part are content. Those who are not content often never were.
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Abby2018 Feb 2022
Much wisdom is attached to the words "those who are not content often never were". Thank you for sharing that observation.....it is so true.
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My Mom lived out on a small acreage when my Dad died. She was in her late 60's. She still had good health & vision back then. She enjoyed taking care of the land, even rode around on a John Deere Tractor. She enjoyed satellite TV, radio talk shows. (This was before the Internet was available where she lived.) She painted her basement and redid the floors by herself. She painted her barn. She wallpapered her kitchen, an 1890's Victorian and she and I worked hard on various home repairs.. (I lived about 10 miles away, and worked full time then.)

I'd drop by on my days off, and would take her to garage sales, and we'd hit the thrift shops. Occasionally go shopping together. On one outing she bought a few baby chicks and had fun with them when they started laying eggs. She built her own chicken coop, and became interested in cement work and bought some bags of cement and made a little sidewalk.

She also fed and took care of feral/stray cats that would mysteriously appear out in the country... Mom climbed up a tree to rescue an abandoned kitten, and fell out of the tree injuring herself - and that slowly started her decline. I kept the kitten and the kitten had a wonderful long life.

Mom wound up becoming interested in politics and became a political delegate for a Presidential Caucus. Her neighbor who lived 2 miles up the road was an elected official and they got her interested in politics. Being a delegate was very exciting for her.

She lived a great life until she started having strokes and then eventually lost her vision many years later. Now she's with me, she can't walk, can't see, and is often quite irritable/short tempered as she continues to decline in her late 80's. She has white matter disease which I believe has caused the change in personality.
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Ok, this is not about a parent but me.
My Husband died over 5 years ago.
I volunteer. I volunteer with the Hospice that helped me care for him for 3 years.
I keep myself busy.
I am not bored.

Does your mom have friends that she can make plans with?
The best thing, if possible can she make a "standing date" with someone? Something to do EVERY Wednesday for example. That would give her something to do, a "purpose" if you will every week.
An Animal Shelter that needs dogs to be walked, cats to be played with. Yes litter boxes to be cleaned and kennels to be hosed out, that is part of it.
A Hospital needs Volunteers.
Hospice needs Volunteers, some office work or some patient contact if she wishes.
The local Senior Center, activities and maybe even Volunteering there.
Adult Day Care, would give her something to do and connecting with others.

But if she does not want to get involved, if she wants to complain there is not much you can do. It is not your job to entertain her or see that she is entertained. When she complains about not having anything to do all you can say is..."Gee mom, that's a shame" and leave it at that.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Unfortunately my Mom has never had a friend base. She is an angry personality type.. She isn't physically active, so not able to drive anywhere outside of down the street to the grocery store. She has an old friend who lives few blocks away. Hasn't seen her in decades. Gal had a stroke and cannot talk. My Mom said would be too difficult for her to see her. She has a terrific neighbor who checks in on her.. I stay in contact with her.. Also, struggles walking more than 50 yds & does not handle stairs well. This is what happens when you don't make exercise a priority in your lifetime & are sedentary. Appreciate your response. The last paragraph is relatable.. I am there tomorrow. Light a candle for me ;-)
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Have you heard of "Visiting Angels?" Have you considered moving her closer to you so that your time is spent visiting rather than commuting?
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Planning to move 30-40 mins from her 6-12 mos out. But will keep boundaries! My Mom has NPD & decades of mental illness. I will make sure Caregivers are in position when the time comes.. It's complicated.. I don't mind the drive. Actually decompresses me.... Love my Mom....but....
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Does she complain of boredom? Are there activities she's enjoyed in the in the past that she can no longer do? You say she complains of boredom, but makes no effort to change things. Sounds to me like YOU want her to do this and that, go here and there, and engage in "self-soothing". Have you asked her what SHE would like to do? She's pretty content reading and watching T.V. She's able to get groceries. A neighbor visits. Is there a problem with that?
You would not have liked her trying to run your life when you were young. Maybe the shoe is simply on the other foot now.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Yes to: complains of being lonely. Then switches to "I'm not lonely." Says: "what will I do with the rest of my life?" I try to encourage with creative ideas. She yells at me when I suggest driving down the street to see the ocean. Says she will get out of my car & walk home. She knows I am here to a degree, thus my encouragements, visits, support & also comment re: self soothing. (I don't say that to her) I read an article re: elderly & this concept. I phone her daily. I see her every week. She picks up few things at the store, her neighbor drops & I take her to the store every week. Neighbor also only pops by few times a week, for 10-30 mins. She is NPD & Borderline & Dementia (was a heavy Alcoholic & Manic when I was growing up). Angry-criticizes non stop. Not physically active: struggles with her stairs from main level to upstairs. I don't want her body to lock up. That's when the body is more prone to a fall. Refusing to go for a baseline Doc checkup at this point in time. Last few days I have dealt with it better. The responses here have helped greatly. I'm doing my best.
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eat-pray-love: My late mother did extremely well after being widowed in 1967. She sought a much better paying job and went on to work to 2 months shy of turning 80 (she would have worked past that, but she broke her femur and her boss jokingly said "N, you have a job here as long as you can get over the threshold.") She successfully paid off three quarters of her remaining mortgage loan. She managed to take trips with senior groups. She made fudge (amazingly) from the age of 15 to the age of 94 (even though she was a legally blind woman) when she passed away from an ischemic stroke. She accomplished so much in her lifetime.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
I love all of these fabulous memories you have & details you shared. Thank You! She carried on & created even more for herself. Did she ever suffer with Dementia? Was she physically active after she turned 80? A Walker? Did she live independently for some years? And just Wow! to continuing to make fudge even though legally blind. Fabulous! Made my night reading this. :-)
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She struggles up the stairs. That's good exercise. I assume there is a banister for her to hang on to and safety features in the bathroom (bars near toilet and in the bath) . Sounds like she really wants to be independent. Carrying on usual activities without help makes her feel able, self sufficient. Does she use or need a cane?

Let her safety, not entertainment, be your main concern.
If she is willing to walk, does she ever walk to the neighbors? Does she still cook some? She doesn't need to be a super-achiever for her age like some seniors, just maintaining daily life as normally as possible is fine.
Listen for clues as to what she might like to do, urge her to talk about it but offer to help only if she really needs it. Limit suggestions because it sounds like she may see your suggestions as a bit like "nagging".
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
I hear you. Thank you for your response! She doesn't want to be independent. I see what she is up to. She thought (incorrectly) that my Dad would pass & that she would move in with me or vice versa. Not happening. I have heard & read here 100's of horror stories. Not cohabitating with her... NARC + Borderline + Early Onset Dementia. She brings up living with me every visit & I stand up for myself. Tell her that is not going to happen but we will have assistance for her, in the home, when the time comes. She has a bannister. Takes her time. But truly, no one's body should be this rigid at 78. Yes to bars in the Master Bathroom. She struggles to get up from a chair now. She does not cook but quick Mac & Cheese or an Egg. Picks up a few precooked/frozen items. Horrible diet. Not a heavy person, but not healthy. Chain smokes cigars. YOU are correct with that she feels (yells) I am "intrusive," as she says. God forbid we toss junk mail-stacks of periodicals. I tell her I am worried about a fire. I go from a different angle. Still, doesn't work. I see now that it could be years before I can help purge & organize (it's out of control there).... I sound like an uber a**hole. I am not. I went thru years-decades of h*ll with her.. I figure in time hopefully I can clean her space...and then get more help in: carpet cleaners, her old cleaning gal...caregivers..
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My mom had been very active and health-oriented her whole life. When she turned 70 she declared she was old, done, and would no longer do anything for herself or anyone else. She took up a sedentary lifestyle that involved not much more than moving from the bed to the LazyBoy, and then back. She started eating junk food and drinking wine. I begged and pleaded for a different lifestyle, maybe some volunteering or socializing with the neighbor widow, but mom refused. She told me she had "done enough for others and it was time to do for her" (this was directed at ME).

By age 72 she was unable to walk and entered skilled nursing for the first time for two months of rehab. Came home able to walk with a cane but eventually resumed her self-pity lifestyle. By age 75 started using a walker.

She would call and order me to run errands for her and to stop by so she could bend my ear about her unhappiness. As I spend my days running from one task to the next, she would yell in the phone to me "Well I'M JUST SITTING HERE!!"

Eventually mom wanted out of her house due to "bad memories". I was glad to sell it because it was down the street from me and her presence made me uncomfortable in my own home. I found her a terrific rental apartment about two miles away. Of course she hated it, it didn't "feel like a home" and she resumed her sedentary self-pity lifestyle.

Back to the hospital, back to 2 months in rehab (now age 78). She would get ahold of a phone and call me and scream "get me out of here, you left me here to die!!!" She said she would do anything to get out of there, move anywhere. Discharge told me she was unsafe to live on her own and the only discharge was to my home or assisted living. My home was not an option!

Off to assisted living, now wheelchair bound at age 78. Physical therapy got her up to using a walker in about 6 months after she moved in. She didn't like her first room because it was on the second floor and she has to use the (slow) elevator. So we picked out a first floor room. Well guess what, she doesn't like that because she has to walk through the dining room all of the time and she doesn't like to be around the other residents.

She turned 80 in February. Now she is researching "tiny houses" and is looking to move out into the country and rent a tiny house. LOL. You just can't make this s*** up.
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My step Dad died in 2018 and Mum has continued life as usual, barring covid restrictions these last two years. She takes care of her house, loves her garden, walks her dog, goes to church, book club and has just started Dragon Boating again. Mum is the oldest on her team.

Mum will be 88 this month.
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