How I determine if a friend is beginning to show signs of dementia--or she's just burned out?
Very worried.
My friend, Linda, is 68. Widow of 3 years. She has physical custody of 3 grandkids, age 11, 9 and 5. Older 2 kids are boys, youngest is a girl.
Mother is in rehab/jail in ND. Father (Linda's son) is a long distance trucker in ND on the oilfields.
Kids were removed by ND CPS for abandonment by the parents about 20 months ago. Linda went to ND and retrieved the kids and arranged a verbal custody/child support arrangement with her son.
VERBAL= he doesn't HAVE to pay her a dime. He should, of course, but since all this was "handshake" basis, she cannot legally hold him to anything.
And she doesn't. Just complains bitterly about the kids. They are all very troubled and hard to handle.
She is absolutely besotted with her son. (Only child). She has spent his entire life (37 years) bailing him out of problems and legal issues. Sick relationship.
He will only talk to her when HE feels like it, and had not seen his kids for over 18 months. No calls, nothing. Also no money.
She lives on a $1400 a month pension and what was left of the life insurance on her husband.
10 months ago she decided to move to AZ where her son has a GF. (He is still married). She announces she's moving and begins packing--sort of. Son can't decide if he really wants to move or not. She can't make plans w/o his income. He won't give her the info she needs to find a rental.
Long story short--she is going to lose her house to foreclosure in about 4 months. I got involved organizing the packing and paying for the storage for her 4500 sf home. PLUS a TON of the son's stuff too. She has waffled back and forth on moving, selling, letting the kids be adopted by a wonderful family (that got shot down--dad would rather they were dead than adopted--just a power play).
She is now, simply and literally frozen in place. She cannot make decisions. She doesn't open her mail, pay her bills or answer her phone. She has shut down completely. She cannot think from A to B--she forgets things and discipline in the house is simply her screaming at the kids non stop.
I do not know if this is just her being overwhelmed with decisions to make, or if she is showing signs of dementia. You cannot carry on a conversation with her. She is forgetting people's names and basic living skills---it's horrifying to watch.
Her son graced her with his presence over Thanksgiving, but locked himself in the downstairs apartment with another GF and wouldn't come up to see the kids nor talk to his mother.
She will not make a move without the son's "OK" and she is terrified of him. She will NOT make a decision how to move forward.
She has had incredible support from our church family, and that is all she has had to lean on--but right now, she has 2 enormous pods packed with all her worldly goods, furniture in the garage and an empty, yet somehow filthy house. People are burning out, trying to help her. She has become VERY mean and screamed at me the other day. I have been by her side through all of this--and I know she wasn't mad at ME--but the situation.
My question--how do "we" figure out what is going on with her, mentally? She is all alone in the world, has no family but this son and the grandkids, and 2 elderly Inlaws. So sad.
I am so worried that her son is taking huge advantage of her, and in the end, which is coming soon, she will lose her home to foreclosure and the kids to foster care.
CPS has been called, so hopefully the kids will be looked after---I'm very concerned about her. How does a "friend" step in and tell someone they aren't acting/thinking like they used to? I went to her house the other day, and I could see through the windows that she was sitting in a chair. Just staring at the wall. It was chilling.
Very worried for her & for the kids. Couldn't care less about her son.
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A friend who needs to tell someone something just steps up and does it. But don't be surprised if she can't do anything about her situation on her own. It sounds like flat out major depression to me (not dementia). If you can get her seen medically that would help. I would be concerned about the toxic environment for the children and possibly removing them might help her as well. Another alternative is to call APS as well as CPS. And call CPS from ND since they're the ones who apparently approved this placement of kids in the first place. Again, probably depression which could be treated medically and there should be a change to the household composition and her responsibility for the kids. If that doesn't work would she agree to someone having her POA so they can act on her behalf because she is frozen? Is there anyone would do this (and don't be too quick to volunteer yourself - it will be exhausting)?
If there’s an Adult Protective Services agency in the area, or something similar, it sounds like something she might need right now.
Depression can do this, and can mimic dementia and can be present WITH dementia. If she’s refusing the assistance of caring acquaintances, it may be in her best interest to seek out public services, who will deal with her hostility while still observing and assessing her overall circumstances.
Love her and pray for her and get some trained help involved.
You are spending therapy time (and money) on this woman?
She may well have delusional personality disorder. Might you have the rescuer personality type? And might you be going a wee bit overboard?
It's one thing to have a kind heart and quite another to try to fix someone whose not your project to fix. The definition of "delusional" is holding onto beliefs that are contraindicated by reality. I hope you find a healthier outlet for yourself. At this time of the year, there's no shortage of people in dire straights who need some kindness. Peace, Midkid.
It'd be funnier of it weren't true.
I have seeing a therapist for YEARS due to severe anxiety and depression due to long term childhood abuse--the worst of the worst. It's made me very sensitive, but sensitive people also like to give and make things be OK and for every time I've been involved in something like "Linda" I've had 20 positive experiences with healthy "helping". Boundaries got blurred too much in this instance, for sure. And yes, I am a rescuer, I have 5 kids, you do the math. Lotsa years of coming to the rescue.....old habits...
No, I NEVER thought she was my project to "fix". I don't really even care much for her, her personality is very abrasive and hard to be with. It was concern for the KIDS as they are the true innocents. I picked up pretty fast that she was using me, and I knew it all along. I have zero delusions that she is going to try to get well, or make any progress towards getting custody of the kids--none of that. She's kind of a lost cause, and I am not really upset nor worried about HER. It's the kids.
No, I don't want her to suffer, but it seems like she doesn't learn a darn thing. People in the church community and neighborhood are all stepping a mile away from her when she reneged on her decision to sell the house and move, all b/c her saintly son doesn't want her to. I am not the only person, believe me, who got "took" in this scheme.
I can't change the sick dynamic that they have. I couldn't even begin to try. But, talking about this on the AC forum, has helped me to put it in perspective. She truly does not WANT to be helped, only if it means that beloved son is not upset in the slightest. Nobody can fix THAT.
I have been doing small acts of kindness each day through this month, I'm not letting her anger ruin my holiday traditions of "giving". She has plenty of people who will see to her, and one person who is a dear friend who said she would make it her utmost important "job" to see that Linda gets a full physical and some mental health counseling. It may happen.
Much calmer this week and got the family's packages mailed today, so all is well. Don't know how this family will shake out, but it's not my problem.
Like I said, my takeaway is that I need to remember to set up better boundaries. I don't have to turn myself inside out to try to make someone's life choices more palatable.
What is it they say? "Not my circus, not my monkeys" I will remember that.
I agree with Vegaslady that she is severely depressed, which is understandable because she's 68 years old and has a 5-year old to take care of. Again, this was her choice.
Prepare yourself for her getting really upset with you when she loses all the stuff in the storage unit you rented for her once she stops paying the monthly bill. You said she's not opening her mail and paying her bills.
Linda is actually a retired nurse--sooo---she isn't dumb about things medical. But seeing illness in yourself is very hard.
I have been way too involved for too long to be considered a "disinterested observer". Just seeing her with the kids yesterday at a church brunch--I couldn't even go say hi to her. She hurt me that badly.
I did call CPS the other day. Little they can do, and as I couldn't lie and say that the kids were being physically abused...(if they are, they send somebody out IMMEDIATELY)..but they aren't. They did say that there will be a home visit and a base investigation...and as this family is already "in the system" it shouldn't be hard to follow through. Since I didn't want my name in the report, I cannot call back and see what's transpired.
I am hoping that, no, it's not dementia, but rather *just* severe depression that's got to her. I know she takes antidepressants and I know she could see her Dr and up the dose, or add something to the mix to help with the horrible anxiety she feels---but I am not the one to broach that with her.
I am going to call APS tomorrow. I feel that they may be a better place to get to her. She is going to be seething at the visit from CPS, but so many people have said they would call CPS, she probably won't immediately think it was me.
My son is a lawyer and he spent about half an hour talking me through the legalities of what could happen. Sadly, his best advice was "buckle up--this is going to take a LONG time." Calling CPS is the first step in a long, long process. IF the father and mother would sign away their parental rights (as opposed to having them stripped of them, in court) then the kids could be placed immediately with the future adoptive family--and and the "fostering" begins--but if either parent kicks up the slightest fuss, then it drags in for ages. The end result will be the same--parents will lose the kids, but they will be in and out of court for years, possibly.
I am too emotionally and physically spent from helping her. I've begun having panic attacks over it--my triggers all firing at once. I know not to get any more involved. She is paid for her storage through Dec., and then my CC is frozen and will not accept charges from her. She knows this (and it angry with me).
In the end, I am hopeful the kids can be given the best care possible and she can figure how to just be the grandma. Hoping she doesn't end up losing her house due to stupidity and trying to placate her son.
I will watch her and talk to others who are concerned over her state of mind. I still am not sure if her inability to make decisions and the choices she IS making (all of them stupid, beyond belief) are just due to the unbearable stress she is under.
She is really, really stubborn. Getting her to see her Dr. for a start will be a real chore. I'm not the one who should be talking to her about that. Maybe she'll listen to our bishop--I don't know. (A Bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of our church--he has been wonderful with her so far.)
Thanks again. I will be calling APS and maybe the pressure of the combo of both agencies will help her. She is truly and elder in need!
Her take was that this woman is suffering from delusional personality disorder. Makes sense, but really, a dx is no good when the sufferer is under the delusion that they are ALWAYS RIGHT and you are ALWAYS wrong.
Helps me to know she cannot think correctly until she acknowledges there's a problem and chooses to deal with it.
Barring that, she is on her own. She is far from stupid, but is overwhelmed by life, And will not make the simple decisions that could enable her to have an actual life.
I think the fact she stayed 5 days in Denver with nothing to do was her way of dealing with the untenable stress.
Thanks, Tiger55 for seeing that I was really trying to help her--until I was enabling her. It's a fine line.
I "hope" you're being tongue in cheek.
Some people truly have the empathy gene in spades and we jump to when we see needs.
As I said--for every one time I've been "taken" there have been dozens of cases where it's a one time help or lift and then it's over.
I admit this got out of hand. But I won't stop helping where and when I can.
Live and learn.