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My grandpa is 87 in the moderate stage of Alzhiemers. After a hospital stay for failure to thrive I placed him in memory care. We discussed it as being a rehab after the hospital. We did not discuss a length of stay and when he asks I say I dont know. On one side he asks how long it'll be before home and on the other he is really enjoying and is impressed with where he is saying he feels relief. I feel guilty not saying this is your home but he would never in any cognitive form agree to move from his home and being home alone was unsafe. I struggle with did I make the right choice will he wise up and hate me? The further in his Alzhiemers we get the more I see how I made the right call. But the guilt is eating me

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All dementia sufferers ask to go home. It's usually their childhood home, since they regress in time back to those days. Tell grandpa you'll talk about going home when the doctor says he's made enough progress to be safe at home. Always blame the doctor.

You made the right choice for GP as I made for my mother. To keep them safe and well cared for in an environment shrunken down to fit their limited abilities. Socializing is good for them too. You have zero reasons to feel guilty.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I remember sitting with Mom at the kitchen table of the house she had lived in for 20 years saying "I want to go home."

We had to change the subject.
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Reply to brandee
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He will not "wise up" and hate you. He has Alzheimers.
If he does indeed wise up, it will be to see how relieved he is to be safe and comfortable in a place he enjoys. I'm sure in his heart, he is thankful to have you care so much and to have helped him to be well cared for.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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"I want to go home" is part of Sundowning behavior and is very common in dementia. Ignore it when he says it, change the subject or distract him by showing him pictures on your phone. Go for a walk around the facility, or check in to see if there's any activities going on. Visit only in the morning because Sundowning mostly happens in the later part of the day.

You did the right thing. It's ok to feel grief, which is what you're experiencing. You didn't do anything wrong and so you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty. May you receive peace in your heart.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Why feel guilty for ensuring he’s safe and cared for? You’ve provided exactly what he needed, that’s love and compassion, not something to feel guilt about. If you were ignoring him while he was unsafe, wandering, leaving the stove on, forgetting to eat, not clean, then you bet you should feel guilty. Good job looking out for him, he’s blessed to have you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You did the right thing. Just change the subject to something he is interested in.
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Reply to JustAnon
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What you are going through is very hard and anyone who says they can tell you exactly what will happen or what to do never dealt with this disease. My only advice is keep doing what you think is best and don’t second guess yourself. When my sister moved to MC we tried just changing the subject or telling her she could leave soon but nothing really worked. The staff did tell me she was less anxious when we were not there so that made me feel better. It’s a horrible disease that impacts the person with it and the people trying to help them. Good luck.
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Reply to ruffro
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I would go with a variation of "when the doctors say you've improved enough to go home" and stick to that, redirecting Grandpa as soon as possible. (Please do some research about how to redirect folks with dementia so you can do it with confidence.) Blame it on the doctors and keep it moving. You absolutely made the right choice and I can tell without even knowing more details. How do I know this?

You said, "he would never in any cognitive form agree to move from his home and being home alone was unsafe". He was unsafe at home because of Alzheimer's. Please do a quick search to find out what happens to them when they are alone at home. Falling, wandering off into traffic, turning on the water faucet and walking away, ruining the entire house from water damage and mold (happens fast, you'd be surprised), putting something in the microwave for hours and causing a fire, putting metal in there and causing a fire, turning on the gas and leaving it on, potentially blowing the entire block up, driving and killing a family, and more.

You saved him and any potential victims from this. You have done the right thing. A secret that more people should know is that people with any form of dementia should never be home alone. He has Alzheimer's, at some point he might suspect you of something and get mad but that is part of the disease. He may never realize that you "put him in a home", and that's fine too.

You feel guilty and a lot of people describe that feeling that way. But as you've been told here, this is not usually what you are actually feeling. You are feeling grief for the circumstances. You wish he wasn't suffering from this disease. You wish things were as they were before. But you can't change those things, and you are right to grieve. But not to be guilty. You did the hard thing and he is where he belongs. Memory care won't just take some old fellow because you want to get rid of him. He has to need to be there for them to take him. They know what can befall him unsupervised, alone.

Please visit him with an open heart and meet him where he is in his journey. So far, he seems pleasant and content and that is something to be grateful for. Try to enjoy being with him as he is now, and spending time with him. We have seen it all here on this forum, and if you were doing something awful to him, we would say it. He has lived a nice long life and I hope his last years with you are pleasant for both of you. You've done the right thing for and by him.
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Reply to SamTheManager
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Thatgirlkay 11 hours ago
Thank you so much for such a wonderful reply
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