My husband’s father passed away last year. His mother is still devastated. It was an unexpected death and her mother had passed away two weeks before her husband. My husband supports his mother financially and we have been staying with her half the week every week for the last year. He has three sisters and his mom rotates and stays with each sister on the weekends. We have a nine month old and I am going back to work. I cannot keep going back and forth between houses every single week. I am not trying to be mean but her house is dirty and I don’t want the baby crawling around. Am I being selfish? Or what is a reasonable compromise?
You, she is ur MIL who has 4 kids. You have a perfect reason to bow out. A baby and a job. Think ur going to have a period of adjustment here. At least 10 hrs a day is going to be getting you and baby up, fedand dressed. Drop off a Daycare, work, pick baby up and then home to...cook a meal? So we r looking at 7 or later when u can finally sit down. Oh not really...u now have to get baby ready for bed. By the time you get that done, ur ready for bed. Weekends, your focus should be on the 7 year old. So I see nowhere in there that you can care for MIL. Do the sister's husbands help out. If not, why should you because you are a woman. I think you will have enough on your plate.
And why are u helping MIL financially? Yes, her SS has been cut down. But are there things she can cut down on? House too big, then clean it up and sell it. Use the proceeds to offset the rent on an apartment. When a spouse dies there is loss of income. You have to adjust to a new lifestyle. I see it all the time. The widows sell the home and move into an apt with no upkeep and love it.
You can disable your MIL, by doing for her what she is very capable of doing on her own. I suggest finding her a grief support group. Our Church has one so ask around.
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband, and share what you've shared here. He needs to be putting you and your child before his mom. And yes, I agree, your child needs to be able to stay in a clean environment.
It's now time for mom to spread her wings to fly on her own, and start getting involved with folks her own age. She may actually find that she enjoys having the house to herself. But if she's never given the chance to find out, how will she ever know that?
Perhaps instead of you guys going to stay with her, you can compromise and tell her that she can come stay with you once a month for 1/2 a week. Now please note that I didn't say she could come every week, but only 1/2 week once a month. And I only suggest this if a compromise must be made. Otherwise, I would stop the back and forth completely. Again it's time for your MIL to start rebuilding her life. She will never be able to do that if her family keeps enabling her not to. You might have to use some tough love here. Wishing you the best.
Has your MIL joined a grief support group?
Has she previously experienced depression? Is she in touch with her PCP, therapist or other health care professional about her depression and grief?
How is your husband doing? Is HE grieving and seeking the support of his mom in that?
I would absolutely say that it's time for you all to go home and get back to living your life as your own family unit. If mom needs support, it needs to be intermittent and professional.
Since it has been a year and MIL is not able to stay alone, I think it is safe to say that this plan isn’t working.
People can grieve for a very long time but it is important not to get stuck. Her grief can’t come before your own family.
Thank goodness she didn’t move in with you.
Good for you on being clear that your 7 yr old comes first on the weekends. Now it’s time to do the same for the baby and yourself. You have given up your privacy through your entire pregnancy. You have more than compromised.
If the sisters think their mother needs someone there, they will need to step up. You can’t decide for them but you have to be responsible for your own family.
Perhaps MIL could benefit from a part time job of her own?
She is too young to stop living her life.
You are not being selfish. You are being the voice of reason.
If it feels too abrupt to just stop, then ask DH for him to stay 3 nights the first week, then 2 nights the next week and then 1 night the third week or some such tapering off. It's clear you are not insensitive to her situation but some next step is in order.
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