How long do I have to emotionally support someone who is severely grieving? It has been a year.

This post is a couple of months old, got lots of answers, and has gone into hibernation. Perhaps leave it to rest?

Let me start off by saying you are absolutely not being selfish. You have a husband and a baby to think about and they must come before your MIL's grief. No, you should not have your baby crawling around in filth. That's not selfish.
From what you've said here, you and your husband have already tried everything within your power to come to a reasonable compromise to help your MIL. She is the one who refuses to be reasonable and compromise because she expects her children to become her parents. She wants her kids to make her the only priority in their lives and is using her grief over losing her husband as leverage to manipulate them into it.
Everyone has loss and grief in this life. Everyone hurts at some point too. Your MIL refuses to even entertain the possibility of a bereavement support group or a grief counselor. Instead she expects you and her adult kids to heal her grief and that is not possible to do.
Your MIL has to want to come back to life. No one can make her. If she's given up, so be it. There's nothing you can do for her.

I think it's time to maybe hire someone to maybe help her clean house, and then check up on her often soon after. You'll have to emotionally support her for probably for months until she is finally herself. Grief doesn't have a timeline. I'm sorry your husband's mother lost her husband. It will take her time to heal. It sounds like she will need grief counseling as in addition to outside help.

She could use a grief group and/or counselor. People can go on grieving for years since everyone is different. You may find that there is some guilt under protracted grieving eg “I should have…” or “I shouldn’t have” Just telling them it isn’t their fault is a waste of breath. Grieving is a way of holding on to the person.

You/hubby and his siblings filled the space left behind when she lost loved ones. Now that is her new normal. It's probably time to start talking about returning to work so she understands there are changes in your life approaching. Talk it up with your husband, too. Maybe he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. Could be he and siblings could have a family meeting to discuss changes that need to be made.

Mom doesn't have any income of her own? Your hubby supports her financially. Maybe hire someone to come in a couple times a week to handle tasks for her. Is it possible for the 3 sisters to come during the week or for mom to start rotating between 4 houses and just give up her own house? Maybe all the siblings could kick in some $ for caregiving assistant in the home? As for her own house, talk to the sisters about a cleaning day to get mom's house in better shape. If mom always had a dirty house, your hubby and his siblings may not even see the same dirt that you do.

A few changes to get the ball rolling and ease yourself back to your own house to live. You may find mom is ok during the week, but going from house to house on the weekends will give her the company and family connection she is used to.

It’s hard doing things that you resent doing. I think your husband is an Angel and clearly the ‘giver’ in his family. Your mother-in-law could take another 4 years (typically it takes around 5 years to mourn such a loss) so, I would suggest that you work with your husband to make the best of the situation. Don’t count on others, or feel bitter if they do not raise to the occasion, as your husband has. It’s simply not in their nature. Remember, if your husband treats his Mother this good, then you can be confident that he would do the same for you, should you need him. Also, he will be a wonderful father, teaching your children about what is most cherished in life - family. PS - why don’t you help her clean up? She is obviously depressed and, as I well know, we let things slide during grief and trauma.

You can only do what you can do, but the question I see here is not so much how long should you support your MIL who is severely grieving, but what kind of help is she getting? Losing her mother and husband within 2 weeks is a lot, and if it’s been a year and you describe it as severely grieving, she must really be depressed. Maybe you or your husband could accompany her to her doctor to evaluate for depression and look into therapy or medication that could help. In addition, there are grief recovery/ bereavement programs at churches or community groups that may be available for her. Best of luck to you all, I’m sure this isn’t easy especially with a baby to take care of.

I haven’t read all the replies here, but if - as I interpret your description of it - she has continually been surrounded by people for the past year trying to manage and supervise her grief, she hasn’t really had an opportunity to grieve. There is no time limit, but, IMO, some time alone without having to put on the ‘public face’ or ‘family face’ is important. She must be exhausted by all this movement, and schedules of visits and moves, and of people in and out.

Would your husband like a different situation, too?
Would this be a good time to consider assisted living, or a community where there is different levels of care ?
Could you say, Hey Wanda, Bob and I think its time that you see a grief counselor and perhaps join a grief support group. I can help you find someone and can drive you there. At least, let's look into it.
Then Bob can say, Yeah, Mom.
I think the priorities for your family are the two of you, then the baby.
Good luck. Be tough. You really need to change this.

It is about tough love. And that's already been said several times. It's hard to go from doing so much to doing nothing. So the suggestion to do something, like 3-4 days a MONTH and allow the others to pick up the rest is a great idea. Also, offer another 1-2 options and let sisters and MIL choose which is right for them.
For example, offer to do one of the weekends and let that sister take more responsibility. Offer to help MIL sell her home so your husband does not have to support her financially and you have to go back to work.

If anyone suggests you are being selfish, say, "Yes, I have been selfish. I have been doing so much more that I forgot you all really wanted to help. So, I will stop being selfish and now you all have the opportunity to enjoy your mom in her time of grief. "

While we all grieve differently, especially with unexpected loss, counseling will help her move past this. It is hard to pick up the pieces. I watched my Mom go through this. She not only lost my Dad, the love of her life, but she also lost his partnership as she worked in his medical practice alongside him. She lost his income. But she picked up the pieces, went back to school, got her bachelor's at 63, her masters at 67, became an ordained Presbyterian minister. She gave her life to serve others, retired at 78, got bored, went back to school again and got her Doctorate in Ministerial Studies at age 80, and lived a life of giving until 98. She truly inspired us with her words, "If not you, who?"

Talk to your husband and let him know that although you love him and his mother, you feel that you need to move on more with your own family’s life than continue to grieve with his mother, and you want his help.

I went to a seminar several years ago. The topic was loss of a spouse/child etc. They said that everyone grieves in their own time frame. For some it's a year for some it's much longer. However, your M-I-L is expecting everyone to support her from what I read, not grieve with her. Intentionally or not she is becoming very dependent on all of you and I would say it's time to start cutting back staying with her. Maybe half a week every three weeks for a month and then cut back to a day or two a month and then none. Tapering sounds like a pain but it is a clear intention that she is expected to be self supporting with OFF-site emotional support only. If the family can agree to a program that allows everyone to cut back and then sit down and explain to her what will be happening. If the family won't then you and your husband need to come up with a plan for your family. If your husband finds it too difficult. He goes and you stay home. Hopefully he will see that is not a good arrangement for his family and act accordingly. Pray that you're able to have the strength and fortitude to do what is needed.

Josesmom: Imho, I do understand that there is most certainly no time limit on grief; there is no bell that dings the message 'done.' However, you have been present PHYSICALLY and, to some extent, financially (although the financials may not have been for duration that you've mentioned) for ONE YEAR. You are a saint. Being physically present for your widowed MIL is perhaps far too long that what you may have originally agreed to perform.

How long should you emotionally support someone when they are grieving? Pretty much forever, I think (if you love that someone or have obligations toward them.) But what you describe is not emotional support. Emotional support is holding her hand through a sad part of the movie, understanding when she gets teary and not making a fuss about it, taking her out once in a while, inviting her over for a meal occasionally, mentioning her loved one in positive ways, and sending her a card on the anniversary of his death.

I think you should provide emotional support indefinitely.

I think this other kind of "support" you are providing may actually be getting in the way of her healing. You are enabling her to feel like an invalid and focus on her grief. Everyone involved means well, but you may be doing harm.

I was in my mid-sixties when my husband died. Our local children all came over as soon as they heard. They were with me until his body was removed. They did not offer to stay overnight or invite me to their homes. I spent the night alone and did not mind. I had my own thoughts and didn't need distractions. I did not at all view this as selfish of them -- it was how things normally worked in my mother's family, and now mine. Life goes on. Losing a spouse is not considered an infirmity. If I had said, "I'm feeling particularly vulnerable right now. Would one of you mind staying the night?" I'm sure I would have had company. (His death was not sudden or unexpected. He was on hospice care. That may make a difference.)

About the house's cleanliness: I had a housekeeper while my husband was ill. After my responsibilities of caring for him were over I did my own housework. That went OK. But gradually the house suffered more and more. It wasn't so much dirty (well, that too) but cluttered. And the year+ when no one came into my house at all I really let things go. Yikes! How did that happen? This year I hired a cleaner. I'm trying to get my house back into its normal state while hubby was alive. It won't happen overnight.

If you and her children can figure out some way to get a regular housecleaner without her feeling insulted, I urge that as a loving way to support her. She may not really notice how dirty it has become, but she will notice when it is clean! It is certainly a mood brightener. Once neglect starts it is really easy to go downhill fast. Stop it before it is overwhelming.

I don't know what to tell you but this I will say outright. This is a sad situation and far beyond what YOU can fix. What you can and must do, starting immediately, is to look after yourself and your baby and your new job. Tell your husband and the family that you have done all you could physically and mentally give of yourself and now it is time for you and for your child. Do NOT spend all this time with her - you have your own life now. You cannot keep doing what you are doing as it will destroy you. Tell the rest of the family it is up to them if they want to continue but you can't and won't. Be tough and do NOT give in. Tell them also after this long a period of time with no letting up, professionals should be dealing with this woman and someone should be hired to clean her home and otherwise look after her. Let them do this - you take care of you and yours. Tell your husband it is time for him to be there for you. Good luck.

As long as it takes. Often the second year is harder than the first. In any case, each person, and how they grieve, and for how long, is unique. I would suggest you 1) clean her floor for her because that's what you should do for a grieving person even if you have to pay to have someone come in because you can't do it yourself. 2) Find a bereavement counselor and/or a bereavement group for her.

I don’t think it’s as much about dirty floors as it is about sacrificing lives trying to save one life and everyone loses.

in wedding ceremonies, “two shall become one.” The longer and stronger the marriage, the more this is true. So the death of a spouse isn’t just “losing my better half” like someone was misplaced. It’s I was severed and half of me was amputated. The person who knew your story, shared inside jokes and moments and shared the burdens is gone. How does one put a clock on being severed?

If it can’t be about a timeline, it can to be about reasonable expectations. Logically your MIL can’t expect her children to be proxies for her husband - but she’s reacting emotionally and reason goes out the window. Plus your DH & siblings unwittingly let a new pattern of behavior incubate for a year.

Maybe your DH grieves the loss of his mom if she’s a shell of who she was along with the passing of his dad.

You are wise to re-evaluate behaviors & expectations & alternatives to a status quo that is t working.

In your shoes, I’d want to be loving (instead of rolling my eyes) but firm & I’d expect a full-scale resistance - Even toddlers test the power control with full-scale tantrums until they realize they’re not getting their way.

I knew a mother who guilted her daughter & ruined her life, but the daughter was emotionally entrenched in playing the martyr. The family tried for decades & couldn’t break the pattern. An acquaintance said her sister wouldn’t/couldn’t build a new life after her husband died; sad to watch but they’ve tried to help for years & eventually gave up.

Maybe the hardest realization for DH is that he can’t fix this for his mom if she won’t participate,

I hope the totality of comments from everyone will help you, DH and family embark on a healthier direction.

Sounds like your mother-in-law is stuck in *unhealthy* grieving and that is being perpetuated by you and her other children.

When my MIL died, and she was an extremely loving and nurturing mother to her sons, my husband and I supported his dad by having dinner with him every night for the first month and then several times a week for months until titrating down to a few times a month. Yes, my FIL was severely depressed but our lives had to go on and FIL had to learn how to live without her.

Why are you going back to work? Is it because you want to or because you feel you have to for financial reasons because your husband supports his mother financially? What do you want to do?

It's clear you don't want to keep things the way they are and I agree that you and your husband need to go back to focusing on your own family unit. That is not selfish.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I agree with the folks who have said it's reasonable for you to stop spending so much time at MIL's house. I can't tell if your DH wants to continue this routine or wants to stop.

At any rate, I hope you are both in agreement that you need to live in your own home and allow MIL to live her life as she chooses. It's nice that your DH is offering financial support, but personally, I would be unhappy about that if she could paddle her own canoe by reducing her customary spending. Would you need to go back to work if y'all weren't supporting her? (You may *want* to go back to work... just something to consider.)

Anyway, if you make any changes in the status quo, be prepared for your SILs to push back. Depending upon the family dynamic, it may get ugly. In truth, they can keep hosting MIL every weekend in turn if they wish, but that doesn't mean you and DH have to continue as you have since FIL's death.

As for getting her to see a therapist or join a support group, or getting her to hire a maid or downsize, those aren't in your control. She'll either do those things or she won't. (I don't think she should get a maid unless she's disabled, since I gather you'd be the one footing the bill. I don't have a maid -- an expensive luxury. I also don't think you should have to clean her house for her.)

I have sympathy for your MIL. Her losses have no doubt cause her great pain. She will likely never be the same. She needs some support, and you have all supported her, going far above and beyond the call of duty (IMO) for the last year. Wanting to make a change for your own family doesn't mean you're dismissing her grief.

(As an aside, I wonder whether the visits to her daughters' houses every weekend are really what she wants. Has she even thought about or been consulted about what she wants? Is it possible she's just in a groove that your DH and his sisters have set up?)

If I were you, I'd redefine emotional support. Emotional support doesn't mean giving up your home and your life. Make phone calls, send notes, and visit when you can. Encourage her to find a good therapist and read a good book about grief and join a support group. Helping her get on with her life is better than enabling her to stay stuck in one stage of grief.

I understand your frustration but you see we all grieve the loss of our loved ones uniquely. As far as your baby you must do what is best for the baby and yourself. You must explain to your husband how you are feeling and let him know that you support him but you need to take care of you and your baby too. I wish you the best.

Seems that you may need a family conference to discuss changes in caring for your MIL. Her home should be getting cleaned. She should be receiving counselling for grief. The situation in your nuclear family (2 spouses and their children) life is changing and that means changes in caregiving.

I am a little concerned that you and your spouse may have some disagreements about finances. The fact you mention that he is financially supporting his mother and you are returning to work while also caring for a baby is telling there may be some friction. Please consider using a counsellor for a few sessions of couples therapy to discuss finances and clarify goals.

This July 4th will be the second anniversary of my husband’s death (from dementia). I’m still grieving but learning to survive. It didn’t help that Covid followed so that I was forced to be alone. What I do know is that grief is unique. Some can do it alone and some can’t. It’s up to the person grieving to decide how they want to grieve. Ask her. Explain that your schedule needs to change because you’re going back to work. You want her to be comfortable. It should be her choice to be alone so that she is taking ownership of her life. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea then suggest the separation on a trial basis. She may think she’s afraid to be alone only to find out she likes the privacy. Ask her.

Sounds like she needs to see a grief counselor and now. Everyone grieves in their own time, but she is depressed and needs some help. Arrange for her to have sessions, someone can take her and wait in the waiting room until she is done. You could also let the counselor know ahead of time what the issues are and they can slowly address them with her. Without knowing how old everyone is, people handle things differently but with a sudden death, its a shock to their world. Your hubby should be making these arrangements (with your help if necessary), but he should be taking the lead in this. Its time for things to start settling down, especially if you have a small baby that will need extra care since they are now in the crawling stage and could possible get stuff in their mouth. I wish you luck in this.

Everyone grieves differently.

My mother lost her dad when she was 33. She still grieves him to this day, 58 years later. Talks about him a lot. Gets teary and blue when she does. She NEVER got 'over it' and moved on. Doesn't have a picture of Daddy in her place, but several of Granddad.

Her mother, Granddad's wife lost the same man. She grieved privately for about one year. I remember he died a few days before Christmas and the funeral was on Christmas Eve Day. She was at the family Christmas Eve party.

She went on to live a VERY fulfilling life and traveled, worked, made friends, joined clubs---etc. Setting a wonderful example of living her personal life--well, personally. I will probably be a youngish widow and my grandma's example has been a great example.

Nobody 'shored up' grandma. She was her own best friend. Mom never did and never will 'get over' grandpa's death. She said, not long ago "Oh, what would your grandfather think of 'such-and so?" I replied "Well, I think he'd be furious to be 123 years old, really. Yes, he died way too young, but he left a great legacy. Can't we lean on THAT?".

You and your husband's sisters have made a rod for your own backs. No matter how one expresses grief, if in a partnership you know that sooner or later one of your will be left alone. It is not reasonable for MIL to be on her own the whole time, but unless she needs care then popping in once a week a letting her get on with finding her own way forward is fine. She has to learn to come to terms with her grief in her own way, at the moment you (and sisters) are putting off her coming to terms with things and finding a way forward for her life and not letting her grieve properly. If she rotates weekends then that is good, add yourselves to the weekend roster and let her have her own time during the week. This is not going to be popular and you will get "I can't manage, you don't care" etc. but too much support leads to this being the way someone thinks. Talk to your husband and pull back a bit - if she needs financial support then help her to find a job - which will get her out meeting new people and being more independent. Best wishes to you all.

Wow! A son being so loving and self sacrificing for his own Mother is downright amazing to me!! And the sisters helping too? This woman must have been one fantastic loving and nurturing Mother. Hallelujah! Boy you got lucky marrying her son and you need to thank your MIL for that. I love my husband. But his Mother was not nurturing, warm nor fuzzy. Thus he isn’t! I doubt my grieving would last a year!!!!

If your husband and his sisters want to continue enabling their mother, that is their decision. Their decisions should be for them, not you.

With a 7yo and a baby to care for, along with your own home and impending return to work, your schedule is full enough! While it's nice you remain adamant that weekends are out because of the 7yo, do his needs end during the week? I should think stability for him, you and the baby require more time at home.

Occasionally helping out is one thing. Staying there half the week is not sustainable. As others noted, will they continue doing this for the next 10, 20 or even 30 years? My mother lived alone in her own condo for about 8-9 years after dad passed (they were there for many years together.) They were married for a long long time, but she was okay being alone (until dementia crept in.) When it came time to make changes, she refused to have aides and refused to consider moving anywhere, AL or with brothers (I opted out, for many reasons, including physical abilities for both of us.) I did have to assist with transport to appts or getting supplies once we took the car away, but at no time did anyone move in with her, part time or not.

If I were you, I would stop going there. If your husband insists on going to stay with her, so be it. We/you can't make decisions for him or his sisters, but neither can they make decisions for you.

Why is her place so dirty? Instead of her going to stay with the sisters, why don't they go there and help out by cleaning up or hiring someone to clean? If they think you should help, I would push back - you have your own place and young children to care for.

Financial assistance? Why? If she can't afford the place she lives in, then there should be discussion among the family members (MIL, husband, sisters) about downsizing and being in a place she can afford AND can maintain.

I agree with the others - MIL is being enabled. While she has some issues (per the profile), they don't seem to be overly serious. If they are, then it all comes down to needing to move to an appropriate setting where she can get the assistance she needs. Those decisions can only be made by them, not you. As for being selfish, nope. You've given up the past year being pliable, but it's time to put your kids, your home and yourself first. MIL isn't that old (about my age really) and should be able to find her way by now. Does grief end? Not really, but it does subside. She really needs to be more active on her own, finding ways to "entertain" herself, volunteer, take in a pet, busy herself with activities outside the home (Senior Center? My mother loved going there with neighbors, until dementia set in.) Sitting around, being coddled and not moving on will only delay the process.

Unless your MIL has either a physical or mental disability, age 68 is quite young enough to care for herself. She suffered two devastating losses in a short time. It would be helpful to discuss her grief with a professional. Also, meds might help. People take meds for high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid issues, but are resistant to drugs that will help their brain function better. Don't let stigma against psych meds stand in her way. You need to take care of the baby, and secondarily visit MIL when able. Give her a daily call to check in. She has a son and daughters for support. But too much support leads to learned dependence and she is far too young to go down that road .

Many of these answers disturb me. Grief is not a linear process with a defined end date. The web site: What's Your Grief is an outstanding resource. It speaks to griefs of all types.
This is The Myth of the Grief Timeline: https://whatsyourgrief.com/myth-grief-timeline/

1. Grief has an endpoint.
Sorry friends, grief is forever. This isn’t a bad thing, though! It just means that when we lose something we loved deeply, that loss will be with us in some way forever. Grief may feel different or become more manageable, but it will always be there and that’s okay. Too bad people often make us feel like we should have reached the “end” of our grief.
2. Once you are done grieving, life will return to “normal”.
3. There is a consistent and predictable timeline for grief.
4. The first year is the worst.
5. Time heals all wounds.
6. You recover from grief like you recover from a cold, it gets a little better every day until it completely goes away.
7. If you are still talking about your loved one after ____ years it means you’re “stuck”.
8. If you still display photos of your loved one after ____ years it means you’re “stuck”.
9. If you haven’t gotten rid of your loved one’s belongings after ____years it means you’re “stuck”.
10. If you still cry when you think/talk about your loved one after ____ years it means you’re “stuck”.
11. Women grieve more than men.
12. Men don’t want to talk about their grief.
13. You can only grieve a death.
14. You can’t grieve something you never had.
You can obviously click the link to learn more about this, but here is the gist because this one can sound a little confusing: we grieve things we never had all the time. If I always thought I would have children, then learn I can’t get pregnant, that is a loss I will grieve. If I always imagined my future would look a certain way and it doesn’t, I grieve what I imagined it would be. You get the idea.
15. Your friends and family will always be the best support.
16. Someone who experienced the same type of loss will definitely be supportive and understand what you’re going through.
Eeek, this one gets people into trouble A LOT. Just because someone also lost a child, a spouse, a parent, a pet, whatever, it doesn’t mean your experiences will be the same. Heck, they may not even be similar. Sometimes people with similar losses end up being your best support, sometimes it is someone with a totally different kind of loss who you connect with. You just never know.
17. Grief follows a similar path and timeline for everyone.
18. If you aren’t crying, then you aren’t grieving.
Some of us aren’t criers, get over. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us.
19. If you aren’t following “The 5 Stages of Grief” it is a problem.
MANY people don’t follow the 5 stages. If they do, it is often not in order, they may skip steps, repeat steps, you get the idea. This is just one theory about grief among many theories – you aren’t grieving wrong if your grief doesn’t fit in this box.
20. The only grief theory is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages because everyone knows it’s accurate.
21. Grieving is a problem.
Nope, it is a natural reaction to loss. We all, sadly, go through it. Just because something is painful doesn’t mean we should avoid or ignore it.
22. The goal of grief is to “move on”.
23. The goal of grief is to “get over it”.
24. The goal of grief is to “find closure”.
25. Certain types of loss are inherently “better” or “worse” than other types of loss.
26. Young children don’t grieve.
27. Children should not attend funerals.
28. Children are resilient, you don’t need to worry about them.
There are more but I'm out of space....hope this helps. Everyone grieves differently, no two people experience it the same even if the person who died was the same (ie parent).