My husband’s father passed away last year. His mother is still devastated. It was an unexpected death and her mother had passed away two weeks before her husband. My husband supports his mother financially and we have been staying with her half the week every week for the last year. He has three sisters and his mom rotates and stays with each sister on the weekends. We have a nine month old and I am going back to work. I cannot keep going back and forth between houses every single week. I am not trying to be mean but her house is dirty and I don’t want the baby crawling around. Am I being selfish? Or what is a reasonable compromise?
Firstly you need to make it clear to your husband that this can't carry on. Tricky because MAYBE it has already gone on a bit too long and makes me wonder if he is frightened of offending his mother?
It is also more difficult to change long standing arrangements without giving a clear reason. So be clear and consistant. The baby comes first, your marriage has to take precedent and you have been kind enough. Reduce the amount of contact and if your husband insists then let him go there on his own with the intention of weabing her off.
Good luck.
You are not out of line wanting your life back to normalcy.
Mom should look into Assisted Living or Independent Living, which ever is appropriate. She will have more stimulation, more activities to keep her occupied.
You do not give a lot of details as to any physical problems or if she has dementia. So if she is of sound mind I would start letting her find herself, we all grieve. It is possible that having people around all the time it is delaying the dealing with being by herself.
If she is not of sound mind I would begin looking for Memory Care or AL with the knowledge that she will have to transition to MC.
1. How long would we anticipate MIL grieving when her mother and her husband died two weeks apart last year (not necessarily a year ago, note)?
2. What role is it reasonable for the OP to take in supporting MIL through the process? - bearing in mind that at the moment she and her husband contribute by staying 3-4 days a week at MIL's unkempt home, with a small baby, and the OP is looking ahead to her return to paid employment.
1. A lot longer than this.
2. Open to negotiation and discussion, and especially it is very important to talk openly with MIL and other family members about what support is really helpful to MIL and what is possibly not helping at all.
The OP is not being selfish, she is being practical and attempting to set boundaries that will accommodate all of the important people: her baby, her husband, her employer, her MIL - and I don't see why the list shouldn't also feature the OP herself, writ just as large.
(And please don't get guilt tripped into letting MIL move in with you.)
My mother lives in a beautiful senior building with lots of activities but refuses to even go down to the vending machine and calls me when she runs out of diet coke. (Even two weeks after my knee replacement surgery.) I intervened when I saw her starting to call my daughter who is a single mom who works two jobs.
We can't put a time limit on the grief of others, but MIL should be encouraged to do all of the things suggested here. My aunt has eight children and had 10 brothers and sisters. My uncle died 18 years ago and people still stay with her.
Focus on your family. Children at those young ages need your time, energy and attention. You need time to rest. Motherhood, though wonderful, is exhausting, especially when you work outside if the home. DO YOU.
If she cannot live alone, help her move into a senior living facility appropriate to her needs. Help her find a Grief Support Group or professional counseling.. The current amount of "support" she is receiving from her children is not helpful and is unrealistic.
You are not being selfish in wanting to focus on your own child and home.
If she is emotionally unstable b/c of her two recent losses, encoura.
On the other hand, when my MIL died, my SIL fell apart so badly that she didn’t enter the family home for 3 years. It has now been 10 years and the estate still isn’t settled because she keeps dragging her feet. Unfortunately, her husband (an attorney) is the executor and won’t rock the boat. Neither my husband nor his one brother will confront her. The one brother that did is now not speaking to anyone in the family except my husband.
So support your MIL emotionally, but the overnight stays need to stop. She needs to learn how to re-enter society and become more independent. If she is unable to live alone, it may be time for a move to IL or AL.
You are a young family and need to be at home with your new baby. I hope you can convince your husband.
My husband died at home and I did have somebody with me for three nights but after that I stayed alone.
Great repsonces regarding the grief issue 🐘. A double loss, very sad indeeed. I too wonder if MIL has had the chance to be alone enough to adjust to her new life?
Question is: does she want to? What's her motivation like to become an independent, lively widdow? Or has she given up - resigned to sit down & let family do all.
12 months is often an accepted time-frame to make changes after a big loss.
You & your DH's family have given your MIL this wonderful gift of support for this whole time.
Maybe the next gift is to encourage MIL to take charge of her life again. Either to fly solo or land in an assisted living (if that is preferred).
Step back. Detach with love. Step back into your own life.
Perhaps she feels afraid with no other person at the home, especially at night.
Or she is lonely.
Perhaps a pet would help her?
No one should have to be the emotional support for another person, although we can care and help. But there needs to be other resources for her to get through her grief ( no one gets "over it")
Perhaps an assisted living community with a communty room and travel with others programs there?
The pet might be a good idea.
My sons MIL lost her husband to Parkinson’s. She was his caregiver for many years. She kept wanting to babysit my DILs dogs. They were old and it was hard on them going back and forth. So she adopted an adult dog. An older one but with lots of life left. It has really helped her.
It’s good to be responsible for something. Plants, a pet, a job. Something. Even goldfish.
There are parents who have used grief as an excuse and they try to manipulate their children to do what they want. Has your mother in law always been an overly needy type of person? I know a woman who lost her spouse in 2009 and she tries to manipulate everyone. She is always boo hooing about something and loves to lay a guilt trip on everyone but especially her grown children who lead very busy lives. Her children don’t fall for it.
When my father died, no one moved in with my mom. Mom didn’t expect that from us. I did help her with bringing her to appointments and errands because she could no longer drive, due to seizures and Parkinson’s disease. At that time she still cooked and cleaned her own house.
I can’t imagine living at my mom’s home at that time with my two young daughters for part of the week. My mom later moved in with us. That’s a whole other story!
Of course, you want a clean environment for your children. You have gone above and beyond supporting your husband and his mom. Does she have major health issues or is the primary issue grieving the loss of her husband? I feel it is certainly time for her to be on her own or hire someone to help her. Do you think she would join a support group for widows?
Would downsizing help her? She could hire a housekeeper.
Losing a spouse is a significant loss. I am sure that she is devastated. Is this your mother in law’s idea to be with her, your husband’s idea or his sisters? I certainly hope they don’t want this to continue indefinitely. Your mother in law isn’t even 70! This could last a long time!
Tell your husband that it’s important that mom starts to live independently and that your family needs to resume your life in your own home. I wonder if his sisters are hoping that mom will get back to life on her own too. It is nice that they share the responsibility of caring for their mom.
You can visit his mom. She can visit you.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Since it has been a year and MIL is not able to stay alone, I think it is safe to say that this plan isn’t working.
People can grieve for a very long time but it is important not to get stuck. Her grief can’t come before your own family.
Thank goodness she didn’t move in with you.
Good for you on being clear that your 7 yr old comes first on the weekends. Now it’s time to do the same for the baby and yourself. You have given up your privacy through your entire pregnancy. You have more than compromised.
If the sisters think their mother needs someone there, they will need to step up. You can’t decide for them but you have to be responsible for your own family.
Perhaps MIL could benefit from a part time job of her own?
She is too young to stop living her life.
You are not being selfish. You are being the voice of reason.
If it feels too abrupt to just stop, then ask DH for him to stay 3 nights the first week, then 2 nights the next week and then 1 night the third week or some such tapering off. It's clear you are not insensitive to her situation but some next step is in order.
You, she is ur MIL who has 4 kids. You have a perfect reason to bow out. A baby and a job. Think ur going to have a period of adjustment here. At least 10 hrs a day is going to be getting you and baby up, fedand dressed. Drop off a Daycare, work, pick baby up and then home to...cook a meal? So we r looking at 7 or later when u can finally sit down. Oh not really...u now have to get baby ready for bed. By the time you get that done, ur ready for bed. Weekends, your focus should be on the 7 year old. So I see nowhere in there that you can care for MIL. Do the sister's husbands help out. If not, why should you because you are a woman. I think you will have enough on your plate.
And why are u helping MIL financially? Yes, her SS has been cut down. But are there things she can cut down on? House too big, then clean it up and sell it. Use the proceeds to offset the rent on an apartment. When a spouse dies there is loss of income. You have to adjust to a new lifestyle. I see it all the time. The widows sell the home and move into an apt with no upkeep and love it.
You can disable your MIL, by doing for her what she is very capable of doing on her own. I suggest finding her a grief support group. Our Church has one so ask around.
Has your MIL joined a grief support group?
Has she previously experienced depression? Is she in touch with her PCP, therapist or other health care professional about her depression and grief?
How is your husband doing? Is HE grieving and seeking the support of his mom in that?
I would absolutely say that it's time for you all to go home and get back to living your life as your own family unit. If mom needs support, it needs to be intermittent and professional.
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband, and share what you've shared here. He needs to be putting you and your child before his mom. And yes, I agree, your child needs to be able to stay in a clean environment.
It's now time for mom to spread her wings to fly on her own, and start getting involved with folks her own age. She may actually find that she enjoys having the house to herself. But if she's never given the chance to find out, how will she ever know that?
Perhaps instead of you guys going to stay with her, you can compromise and tell her that she can come stay with you once a month for 1/2 a week. Now please note that I didn't say she could come every week, but only 1/2 week once a month. And I only suggest this if a compromise must be made. Otherwise, I would stop the back and forth completely. Again it's time for your MIL to start rebuilding her life. She will never be able to do that if her family keeps enabling her not to. You might have to use some tough love here. Wishing you the best.