My mother in law was horrible to me & has a very abnormal relationship with her son, my husband. She is 83 & has cancer & Parkinsons. Since she's been sick, my husband has moved in with her to care for her. When he's working he hired a care giver to come in to care for her during the day, about 12 hours a day, which isn't cheap, $1200/wk. He makes good money but this is too much. We have no savings left, he insists on continuing to care for her at home, & won't hear of it to put her into a care facility. I feel like I'm frustrated beyond frustrated!! I was raised with my parents telling us kids that under no circumstances did they want us bathing them or changing their diapers. When I try to say how I feel now, my husband just says nope, I'm not sending to a home! What do I do? I feel horrible making such issues over a sick person, but this is gone on now for 2 yrs. I feel like my marriage is failing & I can't do anything to save it. I've tried to be patient & understanding & I help out when I can but remember she was just awful to me, so it's really hard to smile & play nice knowing that if she could she'd run me over with her wheelchair.
How nice she was to you isn't the issue. The issue is that she is an adult and had her whole life to plan for her old age.
Did you know that your husband felt this way about caring for family "in house" and using his and your funds to pay for that care BEFORE you married him? Is this a cultural thing?
Do you have children or is it just his and your future financial stability that he's wrecking?
Do you have a job?
Going forward. Stop helping with anything concerning her. Go on vacation and leave him to deal with this on his own. Also might be a good idea to stop co-mingling your funds before he compromises your future.
I am changing tack. I wonder does MIL or DH fully know & understand the disease prognosis? Is there acceptance of this awful disease & the understanding to plan for the future?
Or is DH just helping, then living there helping, then hiring aides & living there without time to look up & see the longer road ahead?
It is a progressive disease.
Seems to have 5 stages (from google - I am not a Doctor);
Stage 3: Usually maintain their independence and complete activities without much assistance.
Stage 4: Reactions and muscle movements also slow significantly. Living alone can be unsafe, possibly dangerous.
Stage 5: In this most advanced stage, severe symptoms make around-the-clock assistance a necessity. It will be difficult to stand, if not impossible. A wheelchair will likely be required.
Also, at this stage, individuals with Parkinson’s may experience confusion, delusions, and hallucinations.
Would you say MIL would be about stage 4? With brain changes, she may well not understand the need to plan, but DH will need to.
Having a good discussion with the Doctor (you & DH) may ensure you have the facts on the current situation. Prepare you both for the next stage. Explore what DH's line in the sand is.
Often two aides become necessary (for hoist & wheelchair) so being at home becomes too expensive for many.
Debadee, you have choices too. Finding a sounding board here was a great start. Next, find a professional councelling service. Hopefully your DH will agree to join you. If he turns this onto you (like a lot of men) saying this is YOUR problem, jealousy etc he really needs to see the other perspective. A male councellor may even be a good idea.
Some men have been trained from birth to be Mother's 'good son' & really don't have any idea what to do when faced with Wife VS Mother.
A good councellor has seen this dynamic before & can help.