Our dad's wife is POA and he’s in hosp/hospice now. She stopped iv and any nutrients to him. He has dementia now. She has now blocked us from calling him and probably visiting him. He’s in another state. She has everything in her name, money and all. Does she have right to stop iv? Or stop us from seeing or speaking to him? How do we help him?
Your dad is 88 and he is dying, go see him before it's to late.
How long have they been married? I would bet they talked about what they would want the EOL for themselves to look like. To bad he didn't tell you.
She is his wife, she should have access to the money, assets, etc.
When you talk to your dad, it is entirely possible that the things you say cause him grief and agitation, making it hard for him. I would cut you off too. He is dying, you need to go see him, be civil to the woman that has stood beside him through his dementia, which by the way, is hell for the caregiver and she deserves every penny he has for sticking around and being there for him through it. Yes, she can legally stop you from seeing or speaking to him if you are causing him harm.
She isn't trying to kill him, age and dementia are doing that.
It is very easy to live in another state and make assumptions and accusations, its an entirely different story to be in the trenches taking care of your loved one as they descend into the pits of dementia. You should count yourself blessed that she didn't dump him on your doorstep and you should show her gratitude for standing by him instead of flinging accusations about something you obviously know nothing about.
Just an FYI, legally a spouse is next if kin. So even without POA they have power.
Whether you like it or not, this woman is Dads wife and he is responsible for her future. If everything is in her name, maybe he set it up this way because he knew he was sick. As his wife she is entitled to the marital assets. If there is a Will, then ur father has determined where his money goes. If no Will, then the State will determine where the money goes. A % to her and a % to the children. But since Dad has made sure that everything is in her name, he may have no estate. No need for a Will if she is beneficiary of everything.
As his children, Dad owes you nothing. He does not have to leave you anything. As said, living out of State you have no idea what this woman has gone thru caring for someone with Dementia. Did you visit to give her a break? Try to help in any way? You need to mend fences and ask nicely to allow you to visit Dad. You need to keep your thoughts to yourself. You are not the one who cared for him. And as his wife, she has the control.
If your dad gave his Power of Attorney for Health, it means that he felt that she would follow his end of life wishes. Like no feeding tube, no extraordinary measures.
If Hospice accepted your dad, he must be very ill. Your step mother has not stopped the IV, etc. That's hospice protocol. At the end of life, the body stops accepting food. It is detrimental to feed a dying patient.
Has your past relationship with stepmom been fraught, or is this just since his illness?
Did your father ever discuss the terms of his will with you?. Most couples have "pour-over" wills; their assets flow to each other, not to the next generation until the death of the last spouse. If your father prepared his estate this way, that was HIS doing, yes?
If your stepmom retained a good eldercare attorney, some of his assets and income may have been transferred to her to render him eligible for Medicaid. This is pretty standard.
Are you able to speak calmly to your very ill dad on the phone, or are your calls upsetting to him?
In your shoes, I would travel to have a "boots on the ground" visit with dad to give him a hug and tell him that you love him.
If dad is in the hospital, her having poa usually cannot stop your visits unless it's been determined that you are upsetting dad.
Try to do some reading on this site about hospice. Read Atul Gwande's "On Being Mortal".
And remember that it was DAD who settled his affairs this way. Not stepmom.