How often do you visit your LO in an AL setting?

I just finished the second week of my mom in an ALF. I have been going for about an hour each day. Mostly to be sure the staff is managing her meals. She is a picky eater and cannot chew very well. I wanted to be sure she was getting sufficient nutrition. I have found the visits are great. I am back to be a daughter and not her caregiver. It may impede adjusting some but for now it is working. She seems to be adjusting a little better every day. She still says she hates it but I try to change the subject and that normally works.

When I moved my mom here , I first started weekly, mostly because of Dr visits etc .. then as time went on twice a week…. I think if it had been easier to get in the door, and out the door.. I might have been more to drop in. But with visiting time around meals. Etc it just wasn’t as easy as just stopping in. ( memory care) …

I did also call every other day…to check in…

my mom has been in MC for 5 weeks this far. I was going 3x a week. Nearly sucked the life out of me honestly. Backed off to 2. This is so far okay and I can take her out for breakfast/ lunch etc and it’s been nice. Then she escaped. It’s been suggested that I sit back a bit and let her adjust a bit. She’s not greet with a cel phone tho she does have one. Straight to VM but she happy when I see her and generally doesn’t seem to have complaints. You’ll find the Ry then that works for you. Hang in there. This ain’t for the faint of heart.

Only you can determine that, but just know that if anyone ever says anything negative about you not visiting enough, they were probably blessed with a saint of a mother and not a narcissist like some of us. when the time comes for my mom to be placed, I think it won't be more than once a week. Good luck.

When my dad was put in MC, they asked for at least a week or two without a visit. Your LO may ask every day to take them home. They need time to adjust to their new surrounding & get acquainted with the staff. You do need time to rest & recharge. The staff can call you if there are any issues.

razzmatrazz: My situation was similar to your's as I moved in with my mother from out state. She then went into an NH short term and I visited daily since I was the only one that she would see. Good luck.

I visit three times a week.
I do video calls twice a week.
And, phone calls all the time.

Today, many ALs and NHs will be having Mother's Day activities, which can be kind of depressing.

Once a week

My sister visits twice a week, My other sister visits once a week and I visit once a week. We are told by MC that mom is a very lucky woman. Some have not had a visitor since entering MC. What a shame.

Hello, I think you have a good handle on things. I think you are absolutely correct in giving your mom space to get acquainted with her new environment. I wish I had been so smart. My father is a narcissist and it’s difficult to visit him because he’s such a manipulator! I didn’t read all the replies but I think the answers unfortunately is individual to each situation. My dad lives close to me in AL and calls me more than I would like for some immediate need. If I don’t do it right away, he harasses me until I do. He has mild dementia. Generally, I visit from 1-4 tines per week and I would like to get it down to every 10 days. You have to set boundaries balancing guilt and compassion. He’s 96 and pretty healthy except his skeletal frame is disintegrating and he now needs help with walking and activities of daily living. I’m in the process of finding another facility for him because the one he’s at isn’t abiding by State regulations. He also sold his house so he could afford AL. I would encourage you to monitor the staff and make sure they have the qualified staffing they need. My dad moved from independent living to assisted living at the same complex and it was a huge mistake. I didn’t do enough due diligence and am paying for it now although my dad wants to move. He’s very flexible in that regard. Maybe it’s a narcissist trait-go where the attention can be found. Anyway, definitely distance yourself as much as you feel comfortable with or she will take over your life and your compassion will allow it.

I wasn't clear on whether your mother is living close to you in her AL facility. If she is living close to you (recommended), visit her as often as you can, taking your own schedule and responsibilities into consideration. You won't be spending whole days, just a few hours with each visit. Try to keep the visits positive and loving, so that they are quality time with her. I found with my mother that we both enjoyed sitting out on the patio at the front of her facility, where we could chat with other people and see things going on, while being outdoors. While she was still capable of going on excursions, we would also take her out to lunch. Speak with the staff at her facility to find out how she is adjusting. All the best to both of you.

DH & I visit my mother in AL most every Sunday afternoon. It's a 40 minute drive. I don't visit without DH; she is critical and rude to me but likes him, and is polite when he's around. My sibling, her POA, lives nearby, does whatever shopping she needs, & drops in once a week.

DH doesn’t visit mother at all. Simply isn’t possible. She is narcissistic, has a slight case of dementia, but has mental problems to include delusions. She must have something like bipolar or schizophrenia. We aren’t sure. She can’t be reasoned with on a good day and her delusions rule her 24/7.

MIL wanted to move in with us after FIL died. A resounding NO was the answer. She would have destroyed our home and her dog would have defecated on everything if given a chance before being killed by our fearful larger dog, who is scared of other dogs. She kept asking to move to a small cottage with a middle age woman to take care of her. We told her that there is “No such thing here” she could afford. So she continues in assisted living by herself.

She wanted to know why she didn’t have an award for best Mother/Grandmother Ever like one of her neighbors and was informed very directly why she did not have the award. It was how she verbally abused her son on the phone, harangued her husband at the same time, didn’t interact with her granddaughter at all for years to the point she hardly knew her, and made so much work for me, her DIL, that I didn’t want to see her again. I was helping because otherwise she’d be adrift without any help. DH wanted her to sink or swim on her own when she had never had to do that for herself in her entire 87 year life. She hasn’t had to do taxes, pay a bill, do anything to keep her functioning for herself since she was in her 20’s and wouldn’t know where to start.

We were able to set up a POA, get her settled, clean up her house (hoarder house), sell it, cut off access to her purchasing things and bankrupting herself, didn’t give her a phone since we were afraid she’d call the police all the time like she was while at home, set up a tv for her, and she is now in a one room assisted living facility that the dog defecates and pees in all day long. The room smells like her old house - disgusting. I am worried they may kick her out.

Being 3.5 hours away is just not far enough from her.

Are you going to to stay in South Carolina where your Mom's AL is or are you going back to New York?

My Mom lives in Hawaii and when my brother asked for help, I packed up my things in Colorado and started a new life in Hawaii. Knowing how contentious the relationship between my Mom and I was in the past, I had my own place. My brother died last year and ironically, it doesn't seem to have affected her as much as I would have expected. This past January, my sister and I moved her into MC.

I have no sadness, no guilt, just wondering where this journey is taking me and trying to make everyday count while I'm on this journey. My sister feels sadness and a little bit of guilt. However, I suspect it is because my sister was not seeing the madness, anguish and the neediness like I am. I have to remind myself constantly "My Mom doesn't know what she doesn't know".

We were told that it takes about 5-6 weeks before we could make an accurate assessment about adjustment. My Mom is a complainer. I did not visit her for the first 5-6 weeks figuring that all I'd get is complaints anyway.

During the later part of the 5-6 weeks, the favorite grandchild came to visit and my Mom thought she came to take her home. Grandchild said no, she was just here for a visit and then my Mom started to complain about how no one visits her. Grandchild pointed out to her that I was temporarily working in a different state, however, I'd be back in a week. Between when grandchild left and when I got back, the nursing staff wanted my Mom to be checked out at ER for concussion because of her falls. I got my sister-in-law to take her. My Mom was so surprised when she showed up (and so was the AL). I think that calmed my Mom's fears about being abandoned and she's never again said anything about visitation again.

I go to the MC to visit because I want to visit. Not because I have to visit. While I am there, I check stock of her products, run her through her exercises, brush her teeth, give her some goodies (e.g. orange slices, peanut butter on crackers, etc.) If I have have errands in the car to do, I'll take her out of the MC and get her into the car and we do my errands. Occasionally, I'll take her out to a familiar restaurant. There are some days where I envision doing errands with her and she just won't cooperate with me. Change of plans, I do errands by myself. Sometimes my visit is 30 minutes, and sometimes she out of the MC for 4-5 hours.

I have found that I am better able to get a good assessment of what is going on when I go often, however, shorter duration....the shorter duration to keep my patience and wits around me. And most importantly, I feel very good about knowing what is going on in her life. My Mom will tell me that she hasn't seen me for weeks, when it was just the day prior that I've seen her. She loves the trips in the car even if she never gets out. My cousin who was 1 of 4 that took care of their Mom in this same stage, said that his Mom was very agitated if he did not come to see her, do a drive around the block and return to her home.

What I've been told about dementia patients is that they need structure in their life.

So even if you have had a contentious relationship in the past, realize that she is a different person now, and treat her like you would like to be treated. She might react to you differently and as the dementia progresses, her reaction to you will change. The best part about putting her in MC is that you can turn her over to caring hands before you get a heart attack.

P.S. Sometimes I need to deliver medicine or supplies and I really don't want to see my Mom. I have found that I can drop them off at the receptionist's desk and they will get it to the proper place. The last thing I want to have happen is for my Mom to see me, and then wonder why I didn't see her.

Each person has valid reasons for visiting when they do and as often as they do.
If you mentally / emotionally can not take more than an hour or so 1 or 2 times a week then that is all you should do. Some people for whatever reason do not visit at all. (I could see this where the patient was abusive, if that were the case I would hope that the patient would become a Ward of the State and allow the Court Appointed Guardian handle all the details)
You should not feel guilty nor should you be made to feel guilty about how often or for how long you visit.
You do what is right for you,.

Whatever our visitations are, I would imagine the reasons for them are as individual as our own thumbprints. I think it matters a good deal if this is or is NOT a loving relationship. Distance matters. Age matters. Memories matter.
Often a memory care placement includes guidance on not visiting for some time initially after intake.
I am glad you don't feel guilty and recognize that you are human and have limitations. Yesterday I wrote about 5 people who mentioned the wrong G-word to describe themselve. Grief is appropriate, including grief that you had a relationship that is trouble, and including seeing suffering now.
Just do your best. In my own case my elderly brother was airplane ride away from me, his elderly sister. That was our limitation, not love. We all vary. Your case is all your own and I surely do trust you to make the best decisions you can.