How often should Adult Children visit parent(s)? Or how much effort is reasonable?

Your mom is playing the passive-aggressive card really well.

My turned 90 during COVID. Yeah, it stunk, b/c she really wanted a BIG party like we did for her 80th which was an EXPENSIVE and extensive blowout (can you tell I was in charge??).

We gave her the ONE option which was a drive by party--she would sit in her wheelchair in the front yard and 'wave' to us as we slowly drove around and around the circle. Pre-packaged snacks/treats would be handed out. That was the best we could do at the time!

Well, she didn't understand COVID and didn't like this plan one bit. She ended up going along with it and all was fine, in the end, although she refused to wear a mask....a lot of people just got out of their cars and came & talked to her. If we'd have had an outbreak of covid we all know who ground zero would have been.

Now it's the holidays and she's already begun the 'well, I guess I'll just stay home, nobody will come get me." Not true, ANY of the sibs would fetch her to our homes, but she wants to stay 1/2 hr and then leave. It kind of ruins the day for whomever hosts her, she doesn't really want to go, she just wants what she wants and damn the torpedoes! Your mom sounds the same. It's a background way to A: get what they want and B: make you feel rotten C: instill plenty of guilt in your relationships.

If she's like my mom, she really DOES want to be a 'burden' and she really 'DOES' want us all to fuss her (the way we did HER mother, who was an absolute delight to have around.)

Let her know that IF she will not help out with some of the b-day planning, then there will be no b-day this year. Then drop it.

If you're a lousy daughter for not falling for the drama, well, then you aren't alone. There's a LOT of us on here.

Passive aggressive people like to hint around at what they want while expecting YOU to know what they want by reading their minds. My mother has been this way her entire life and is continuously unsatisfied with her entire LIFE b/c nobody has EVER been able to read her mind satisfactorily. PA behavior is a communication deficit, in reality, and something that's very hard for their loved ones to deal with. You have to make mother understand that it's up to HER to make her wishes known, otherwise, you don't have time to play games.

Here's an article on the subject & ways to cope/respond:

https://www.bustle.com/articles/131384-8-passive-aggressive-things-moms-say-to-their-daughters-and-how-to-respond

This article even addresses the common PA guilt trip of "Oh I know I'm such burden......" and how to handle it.

My mother would also dole out the Silent Treatment along with her Passive/Aggressive comments & behaviors as a punishment for not getting her way. She's 95 now with advanced dementia, but some of that old behavior is still alive and well in her, believe it or not. Old habits die hard.

So to answer your original question, you have to decide how often to visit your mother; I was visiting once a week before the dementia got bad. Nowadays, the phone calls are dreadful so I've been visiting 2x a week for shorter periods of time. But our situations are different. Do what YOU feel is right and what's tolerable for you. Be sure to set down firm boundaries with your mother which is more for your well being than hers. PA people don't really have any and always want to see how far they can push us.

Recognize that you're never likely to get an HONEST answer from your mother, meaning it will be up to YOU to decide how often to visit, how long to stay, where to go, what parties to set up, etc. Sad but true.

Good luck!

You already call most days. Visit when if works for you. My father was a half hour away. I visited twice a month. Your mom is two hours away. Once a month or twice is good. Depends on your availability and what you can handle

I wouldn't say she's passive/aggressive but rather that she's a typical mom who doesn't put her desires first, even when asked. She likely doesn't have a lot of desires, for that matter.

Visit her because it's the right thing to do. Tell her you're coming on X day, and ask her to put together a list of anything she wants done or wants to do. If she doesn't have anything, then enjoy the visit and go home. Occasionally plan an overnight if you can just to mix it up a bit.

You aren't a bad daughter, but I would advise not wasting your effort assuming what your mother is thinking. If she hasn't said her feelings are hurt, then don't assume they are. Just do what you know is the right thing (not neglecting her), and things will be OK. If you need to remind her you aren't a mind-reader and can't always know what she wants, perhaps that'll help her open up a bit more.

No, she is passive-aggressive. Had a MIL like that only she sulked when she didn't get her way. And when she did get her way, she was sneaky about it. Then throw in she had a personality disorder and her lies, that we really think she eventually believed. I was lucky she moved 2 days away by car.

Do you have a family? If so, their needs come first. Actually, your needs come first too. You work, so you may not want to drive two hours to Moms house. You set a boundary by saying you will not move furniture especially when there is staff that can do it. No, I have other plans, a boundary. If u don't set them now, it will be harder as she ages.

Your Mom is 70 and seems no major health problems. She is not old. She enjoys her community. So you don't need to visit all the time. Me, my husband is wishy washy, so I end up making the decisions. He will say No when he doesn't really want to do something. Do that with Mom. Continue to make your phone calls checking in. Don't ask her anything, tell her. "Mom, I thought about driving up/down on Saturday, is that good for you?" Give her no more than 2 choices for lunch. If she can't make up her mind, you pick. Don't ask about what she wants to do for her birthday. Call her and say "thought we'd do a nice dinner on your birthday at ?. Or "How about I come up/down and we do take out and spend a nice evening together, I'll sleep over" Always take flowers.

People like this I stop asking. You live your life and fit Mom in. If that means an overnight visit once a month, so be it. My brother lived 8 hrs away and saw Mom 1x a year. If it wasn't for my SIL not sure how much my younger brother would have seen Mom and he lived 30min a way. Before my Mom lost her license I didn't see her that much and she was 5 min away. She had her Church, her friends. Me I am 72 and have a 44 yr old and 36yr old. Oldest lives 4 houses down, I wave as I go by if she is sitting on her step. 😊 My youngest I see maybe 1x a week and that's because she does her laundry here. Of course, I have my DH but don't things would change much if I didn't.

Your mom sounds like a typical mom to me. I think she hints around because she is uncomfortable asking directly for what she wants. She’s uncomfortable asking because she knows that you have your own life and she doesn’t want to be a burden. I’ve been in your situation for years. First with my grandmother and now my mother. Here are some things you can consider trying:
* Ask directly if she likes living there, Ask if she’s starting to need or want more help. If she doesn’t give you a direct answer, tell her something like “I’m uncomfortable (or it’s frustrating) when you won’t just tell me straight up. I want you to tell me so I don’t have to guess”.
* Reflect on where you’re at with helping, visiting. Could be that she picks up on your reluctance or your feeling burdened. Neither of you are being direct.
* Is it time for a companion for Mom?
* Set up a regular day or week to be with her and show up consistently. It may help her to know she’s going to see you regularly and when.

You are not a lousy daughter. You need to know what you want, how much time you are willing to spend, and how important it is to you that you support your mom as she ages. Then be direct and honest with her while also letting her know directly that you love and care about her. If you do care and want to support her as she ages, let her know that distance will become difficult. Your Mom has a responsibility to help make it logistically possible for you to support her. She also needs to understand that suggesting someone to move furniture doesn’t mean you don’t want to see or help her. It’s merely practical.
* Any time that you show up for your mom in any way, it’s a gift to her. You are not obligated to do it. You choose to do it. You and she should feel good about that.

Do you have siblings? How often do they visit your mother?

I know this isn't going to help, but you really do have to judge for yourself and please yourself.

I'm approaching sixty, and my children are all in their thirties. I work full time and live nowhere near them. I honestly don't think I am (yet) burdening them with guilt about how much time they have for me.

But the truth is that no one is more important or more interesting to me than they are, and in a fantasy world I would have monitoring systems kept on them at all times. I would also like them to consult me when they want comfort or advice, and I would like their warm support when I am facing difficulties of my own.

So no, they can't do too much calling or visiting to please me, but OF COURSE I don't rationally or seriously expect more time than they can comfortably spare. In a way I don't even want it - being busy in their free time, spending leisure with their spouses and young families, not running to their mother are all signs of a healthy adult, aren't they?

You are not a lousy daughter. Your mother is not being passive-aggressive, or at least I don't think so because I can imagine exactly how she feels; but if you suspect her of it call her out not on the passive-aggression but on the specific issue on hand. E.g. "mother, we're taking you at your word about not wanting a party. How will you spend the day? - because we don't want to think of you sitting there all alone like Eeyore."

[I should add, I'm with your mother on the party, too. I love getting cards and flowers but I'd rather lounge around on the sofa eating posh chocolates than spend three hours trying to look thrilled.]

I don't understand needing her input to plan a party. One of you makes plans with mom, ie mom, I am coming for your birthday and I will be there at ?? to take you to lunch. That ensures she makes it to her party.

I would kinda feel like you weren't interested if you couldn't plan a get together without my input.

Could the furniture situation be as simple as she doesn't know how to direct people? Could she be worried about having these people in her home alone? Is her executive function in tact?

I live 9 hours away from my mom and her bitter, hateful, PA attitude with every interaction keeps me away. We talk once a week and I see her periodically. I'm not a bad daughter because I have made sure she is financially stable, has local resources and we do trouble shooting and maintenance on her house, more then she does for herself. So, I do what I can, not what she wants or demands because she is not safe to be around.

You have to decide what you feel fulfills your responsibility to your mom, nobody else can do that.

If my mom didn't shoot arrows with every interaction, I would see her regularly and I would speak to her often but, she set the stage long before I ever had a say in the relationship. If you feel like your mom damages your well-being, start implementing boundaries and know that it is okay to do so.

I am with ITRR here. I think she needs help deciding where things need to be moved, or is uncertain about how to arrange facility help, or if a tip is expected.

She sounds a bit overwhelmed, not passive aggressive.

I wish I had a lousy daughter like you. I have always been a low maintenance mom, wanted my kids to just do their thing. Now getting older, I have trained them that mom does not need them. I have spent many holidays alone, cannot remember the last time there was a birthday celebration. They do call much of the time, not always. Covid has affected my willingness to travel 130 miles each way to see them, since they are all in the same place.

You are doing what I wish my kids would do. There is a very strained relationship with my oldest daughter which is part of the whole equation and she with her career, busy teens and new beau/fiance are all a part of it.

I think parents are always happy to spend time with their children especially when they live far apart.
I think your mom enjoys visits but doesn’t want to appear too needy and is probably too proud to ask.
you should take lead and spend as much time as you can with her….
(sound alittle passive aggressive yourself maybe cause you feel you’re
alittle neglectful looking excuses)
spend time with your mother … you’ll never regret it … once they’re gone … they’re gone)

Stick to your limits. You are going to need them because it's going to get worse. You are not a lousy daughter, you are a grown adult woman with your own life. I would encourage you to start doing some research on "enmeshment" in adult relationships between adult children and parents.

You are not a lousy daughter. I think you are doing exactly the right thing, setting reasonable limits and protecting yourself. Stick to your guns. Your mother sounds a lot like my Mom. When she was 70 she required little but my sisters were fine with helping out as needed, at 80 she needed a bit more but my sisters were accustomed to doing whatever she needed. By the time she was 90, I was also living near her and the 3 of us could not keep up with everything she wanted. Much of what she wanted were things that her children, in their 70's, should not have been doing. I did not do those things, but my 2 sisters felt that they should, simply because they were accustomed to doing everything for her. Case in point: she could have afforded to pay someone to come in once a month to do the heavy cleaning (I did and one of my sisters had done so). However, my sisters would do it for free, so she insisted that they do so, and they did. They would return to their own homes exhausted--and with their own household chores still to do.

I refused to play into that game. In truth, she should have relocated to a senior residence at some point in her 80's as she was not really capable of independent living. My sisters enabled her to remain in her home beyond the time that it was safe or healthy for her to do so. There were numerous falls, issues due to medications not taken properly, etc.

I visited my mother every week, mostly on the same day each week. I took her to lunch, we went to stores (before the pandemic) to shop, and went for scenic drives. We had good times together. I told her flat out that I hired help because I was too old to do heavy cleaning at my own home and would not endanger myself by attempting to do hers. I also told her that if she could not manage her home she should move into a senior residence where help would be available. End of conversation.

Like your mother, she also played the game of coy non-responses. It was a long habit of hers going back as far as I can remember. She would never tell my father what she wanted for her birthday or Christmas, he was supposed to guess. When he got the wrong thing she would pout for weeks. When asked where she wanted to go to lunch for her birthday she would respond, "wherever you want." We all wanted to scream. One year I suggested to my sisters that we simply refuse to play the game. We each told her, "It is your birthday. Pick a place or we won't go anywhere." She didn't, we didn't. A few days after her birthday we met for tea at my house. We said that we would have liked to have gone out for her birthday and we were sorry that she never picked a place to go. After that, either she made a decision or she got nothing. If she suggested something that wouldn't work, we at least had the beginnings of a conversation. We could discuss alternatives and she could pick something that was good for all parties concerned.

In my mother's case her stubborn refusal to discuss what she wanted was simply a manipulative way to remain the center of attention while others tried to tease a response from her. It is a hard habit to break. I wish my father had not reinforced it for so many decades by playing into it. We never really completely broke the habit, but it helped us when we understood that this was Mom's problem, not ours. When she would try to make us guess, we could refuse to guess and put it back on her. If she really wanted a birthday party, or a valentine's luncheon, she needed to say so and say what she wanted. Otherwise, we could go on with our lives and save all the anxious guessing. Over time Mom did improve and we did have a lot of fun planning a number of events in her final years. All were much more to her satisfaction than if we had tried to guess what she wanted.

Good luck. I think that you can make this work. Just don't worry yourself about how you imagine she might feel. You are not responsible for her feelings.

I suggest that you decide what is reasonable given your situation: work, travel, finances... Then, tell your mom that you will visit her in-person _______ (you decide on the frequency). Before going out to see your mom in-person, talk with her about what she would like for you to "help" her with. Let her know which of those tasks you can do and which other people will need to do. The goal is to create clear expectations through clear communication.

She sounds lonely and probably needs your help but doesn’t know how to ask . Most Mothers put their children first and set aside their needs . I would help my Mom if she asked . She is gone - I wish I knew she was struggling . I did not know the signs of dementia. Periodic falls , hoarding , making up stories , sleeping , etc . When I sensed she was dying I did not know how to be there for her . I took care of her the last 8 months . When she was on life support and then brain dead the other family members stepped up but it was way too late . Go see your Mother , help her . Remember that a lot of people do not have mothers anymore . Mom died young 77 . My brother died 10 months after her and another brother at 42 . Do your best she needs your help and doesn’t know how to ask .

I have further evidence from today to support my argument that you must not allow your anxieties to get out of hand. It is not at all what your mother is aiming for or wants.

Last week Daughter 1 mentioned that baby grandson's mittens did nothing to keep his fingers warm. As if by signs, in the supermarket that very afternoon I rubber-necked in passing a pair of army camouflage mittens, size 1-2 years, with 3M Thinsulate lining. The postage cost more than the mittens did.

This morning I was getting a bit worried in case they hadn't arrived safely, but I needn't have. D1 called a) to thank me SOOOOO much for sending the mittens but b) to confess in misery that despite both parents' efforts GS1 had succeeded in losing one on first wearing.

The point is that she's been working up the courage to tell me this for over 48 hours. What did she think I would think? Has anyone ever met a 9 month old baby who hasn't thrown his mittens (and shoes, and hat, and Only Acceptable Comfort Blanket) overboard?

Moral: do not burden yourself with fears about what your mother might be thinking.

Moral 2: always sew a sleeve-cord onto babies' mittens before posting them.

In reading the replies to this post I am seeing how we answer based on our own life experiences.

My former MIL was the queen of Passive Aggression. When I stopped playing her game my life got easier.

Before that she pouted and whined to others.

OP, your Mum should have said, I would love for you to spend some time with me, can you spend a Friday night? Then you could have said I am available to spend what ever night in a couple weeks. Easy peasy and no hurt feelings.

But your Mum decided to be manipulative and come up with a job that requires you to take a day off work, then pout when you told her you could not move furniture, nor spend the next day. All that is on her, not you.

I would be clear with Mum that if you take a day off work you are losing X number of dollars. Not including the cost of fuel, wear and tear on your vehicle etc. If the task can be done remotely, or by another for less money, then Mum should not expect you to lose pay. If it is something that has to occur on a work day, then you are in charge of choosing which day you take off.

Do exactly what your mother tells you. If she says she's perfectly fine staying home on her birthday, then honor her wishes and don't do anything.
If she tells you that visiting any time you're free is fine by her, then do that.
Your mother is an adult. Treat her like one. Not like a child who has to be coaxed and conjoled into something even if it's what they actually want.
Do not play into her passive-aggressive nonsense. If she really doesn't want to be a burden to her family, she wouldn't make things so complicated for you.

I’m in a similar situation. I’m 44, and my mom is 75. Recently she is living alone as my father is in the hospital.

We had a similar conversation to yours last week.

She knows I’m stretched in every which way direction and doesn’t want to add to my list by being a burden. She said that I don’t need to come down and visit if it will add to my workload. I explained that it’s not a burden, and that right now I am her only source of companionship. I told her forthright that if I didn’t come down, I would only worry about her.

She wants two conflicting things. She wants to see you, but she doesn’t want you to feel obligated to, or to feel stretched by having to take a day off work. You’re frustrated because she’s not being as open and honest with you as you’d like, but if she was, anything she would say she knows would only end in you telling her she’s wrong.

I always try to validate her feelings, but make it obvious that I’m glad to see her every time I come down so that it doesn’t read like “I’m here because I HAVE to be, not because I WANT to be.”

P

Petite1
1 min ago
Edit
I agree with you perfectly KNance72. Very well said. Yes go see your Mom. Help her in any possible way you can. Make her feel loved and important. Have a party for her and enjoy watching her face light up because of the time it took you to make her feel good. You will never regret those things but you may at some point if you dont do them. Please give your Mom a hug from me.

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Agingistough: Imho, it appears that she had a ulterior motive when asking you to review the bank document, e.g. the moving of heavy furniture. I said heavy because ANY furniture moving should be handled by a professional, which she already has.

edit - *an* ulterior motive.

I've been a caregiver for most of my life. Based on years of experience I'd say your Mom is very lonely - friends yes, but that's not family. She might be feeling unloved, no longer needed, nor wanted. She might be thinking she has become "a burden" to you - therefore, "I don't want to be a burden." In my opinion, and her age, she knows her time grows shorter, no matter if she lives to be 100. She doesn't want to die alone - who does,? no matter how much we say otherwise. So she manufactures reasons for you to come see her. People of her generation have a lot of pride,- (sometimes, that's the only thing they had) she was probably raised to not ask for help of any kind, from anyone. Pride...She may be feeling loads of anger over the fact that she's getting older, or about the fact that her child doesn't recognize any of these things going on with her. And she ain't about to broach the subject, no mam! So she lays a guilt trip - the only way she knows to let you know what's happening, cause she ain't about to ask for more time with you. Her pride won't ever let her come right out and say anything. She's lived her entire life being a wife and mother, so now there's no one to tell all this to - except you. I'm willing to bet that if you were to just drop in, broach the subject of her growing up years, get her to talking, sharing, she will become a different Mama. From heartache experience, that's the only Mama you have -treasure what time she has left to want to spend it with you. Let her know, without doubt, that she is loved.

My MIL will also beat around the bush and never just says what she wants directly. Everything is a game like you're supposed to read her mind. So finally I said to her, I can't read your mind, if you want something you're going to have to say it. Then after that I stopped trying to guess what she wants.