I need advice from someone more experienced than myself in terms of caring for someone in what may be the last stages of their life.
My mother has been a smoker for forty years. Ever since a not-so-smart friend offered her a cig. No matter how hard I tried she refused to give up smoking. As a child, I stole her cigarettes to hide them from her, as a teen I begged her to quit. To no avail. Mom suffers from depression and anxiety and uses her cigs as life crutches. She has never wanted to see a therapist long-term, and only takes medicine for depression prescribed by her psychiatrist after exchanging a few words with him by phone.
I knew deep down that her life might be cut short, but there was always this stupid hope that she would live to see old age. She is sixty now. Well, in the middle of October she was diagnosed with a pancreatic cyst that may or may not be malignant. Her doctor offers surgery, a very complicated and dangerous one, involving the removal of organ parts. If the cyst contains malignant cancer cells, we all know what happened to Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs. If it doesn't there is still the risk of diabetes and a new cyst might grow anyway.
My mother and I never had the best of relationships. She was raised in an old-school way and, having a reserved mother and father who left to set up a new family, has problems with showing love in a positive way. There will be no Hallmark moment in which she sees the light and apologizes for all the verbal and emotional abuse she subjected me to. That said she did provide me with education and a roof over my head. She was there to take my temperature when I was sick and cook a meal for 40 people because I had an intercultural project at school. Shen hadn't been a friend to me or a shoulder to cry on, that's not how she was raised, but she did teach me right from wrong.
Currently, mom is in a very fragile mental state. She acts like a child, crying at the drop of a hat, saying she won't undergo surgery because there is no point. She started vaping instead of smoking but I don't think she will quit entirely. She is in a very dark place.
My father is not helping, blaming her for her illness. He is a cancer survivor but doesn't understand how the mind of a depressed person works. Shouting won't change a thing at this point. To be fair to him, my mother expects miracles that he simply cannot provide. He was always there to smooth over life problems for her but is powerless now. My elder sister calls her almost every day to take her mind off of things for twenty minutes but she has her own family to take care of. Also, she probably doesn't want to be pulled too deeply into the family mess. She warned her to take better care of herself but was as unsuccessful as me.
Is there anything I can do to help my mother? Is there anything I should say or not say? She refuses therapy outright. She also is unable to focus on distractions like books or TV, moved out of my parent's bedroom, and sleeps in my old room. She has this obsession that she will catch the flu and won't be able to go to the hospital. She is still waiting for her operation.
My husband had a liver transplant in April. At the Mayo Clinic. He had non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver & cancer as well. You know what the top doctor at the Mayo told him & everyone else who was underdoing organ transplants, mostly due to alcoholism? "It makes no difference what brought you here. All that matters is what transpires from today forward." There were no ugly lectures about how their own bad habits brought them to the Mayo, only hope was handed out at the Clinic. My own husband, while he never drank alcohol at all, likely developed fatty liver disease from bad eating habits which morphed into cirrhosis, nobody knows for certain. But the bottom line is, it doesn't matter.
Your mother doesn't need therapy right now, just loving family and friends who support her exactly as she is, and regardless of what choices she makes moving forward. I smoked for many years myself, and vaping actually helped me quit about 10 years ago. So maybe vaping will be the stepping stone your mom needs to quit. Maybe not.
She's seriously anxiety ridden, which is perfectly understandable, so has she been given any medication to help her with that? Like Xanax or Valium or Ativan? Suggest that she ask her doctor for something to help her with the anxiety. "Acting like a child" is par for the course when a person is riddled with anxiety after facing their own mortality with what MAY be a cancer diagnosis. Fear is eating her up alive right now; can you blame her?
Perhaps speak with your father who's NOT helping the poor woman in any way by shouting and blaming. Nobody can pull a miracle out of his bag of tricks now and 'fix' this situation for mom, so she'll have to walk through the steps her doctor outlines to see what happens next. Some anti anxiety meds MAY help her calm down enough to agree to the surgery to have the cyst removed.
Do not jump to conclusions that b/c Patrick Swayze & Steve Jobs died from pancreatic cancer, that your mother's fate is sealed! It's not. My 'uncle' George is almost 102 and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when he was 95. His is a very slow growing form of cancer which will NOT kill him very fast; old age WILL kill him before this tumor ever will. And your mom has a cyst, not even a tumor, which could prove to be benign 100%. But it will be 'malignant' if she does nothing b/c it will kill off her spirit and her soul and leave her waiting to die, thinking she's a ticking time bomb who's going to drop dead at any moment.
And finally, my ex husband was a smoker for 35 years; diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and almost written OFF, that's how bad he was. After 1 year of chemo, he's now 100% cancer FREE for the past 5 years and his PET scans are all perfect. True story. He's being written up in the medical journals b/c his case is nothing short of miraculous.
There is always hope for all human beings when fear is removed from the picture and when cool heads prevail. Get mom some anti anxiety meds (if possible) and be there FOR her w/o casting judgment. Get dad on board to stop being a bully (if possible) and hold her hand throughout. She didn't have to win Mother of the Year Awards to deserve your compassion & empathy at this juncture of her life. We all deserve such treatment in our time of need, that's the truth.
Best of luck to your entire family in this difficult time.
She still smokes, has lost 200# and is still alive. Whatever was on her pancreases is still there and obviously wasn't cancer.
Step down and either support her during this trying time or leave her alone. She doesn't need you and your dad judging her.
Oh, by the way, my granddad smoked for 75 years and died at 89 years old from alcoholic liver or lack of I should say.
Your mom was not abusive from what you have described, sorry, not sorry, get over it good parents are parents and not friends.
For you, you can only support her. Until you know if its a cyst or cancer, its a waiting game. Seems though vaping needs to stop too.
"Cigarette smokers are twice as likely as nonsmokers to develop pancreatic cancer. Using cigars, pipes and smokeless tobacco products also increases your risk."
I had a doctor wanted to remove my gallbladder for a small hernia. Another one wanted to cover my entire abdominal wall with mesh, 6 days in hospital during flu season. Nope. The doctor I finally decided wasn't a quack, went through an existing scar and said one stitch took care of the problem.
Second, third and even fourth opinions should be sought before allowing anyone to cut you open.
As others have said, lay off Mom. She's in the denial/grief part of her illness, and she has every right to. She might be facing her mortality, and that's terrifying to anyone regardless of whether their habit brought it on or not. Being judgmental is not helpful in any way, so make the effort to stop it.
No one's parents are exactly the way they ever expected them to be. You listed the good things your mom did for you, and that made her a good mom, so stop making it about you. If you don't like how she parented, do it differently with your own kids if you have them.