She’s been having since being in facilities all year. She’s had 2 falls at home since January, with significant injuries, leading to rehabs, & assisted living, which have helped her physically, but have increased her mental decline. She’s having episodes of major paranoid delusions, sundowner syndrome & memory loss. But when I try to interject reason and reality, she won’t believe me. It seemed like she was getting increasingly depressed & paranoid over the summer while in assisted living. I thought it might help if she was at her house, so I planned to stay with her a little while at her house hoping she’d calm down. After the first day, it didn’t help-she insisted people were in the house & wanted to call police. She ended up getting so agitated that she fell again & has been in rehab ever since. She may be able to stay there long term on Medicaid, but seems worse by the day mentally. I am afraid I will be tempted to think taking her out of the facility will improve her mental state-& I know I can’t handle her condition by myself. Looked into getting home care through Medicaid, but the process is slow & not reliable as far as staffing. I wanted to let her stay in her home as long as possible-but it seems like that time has come where it’s impossible. I appreciate any suggestions anyone has!
So accept the fact that your mother now has dementia, and nothing you can say or do is going to change that fact.
I would most certainly NOT take your mother back home as she's only going to get worse, but instead let her get settled in a nice memory care facility, where her doctor can give her some medication for her paranoia, and where hopefully she can live out her days in some kind of peace.
Dementia sucks...that's a fact, and I guess if there's any kind of silver lining here it would be that your mother's dementia started later in her life, as not everyone is so fortunate.
I wish you well in taking this final journey with your mother.
My Mom is 95 and the only thing that helped her was meds for depression and anxiety. I strongly recommend you inquire about this with her doctor. It only took the lowest dose of Lexapro to help my Mom. She still occassionally sundowns and has brief moments of paranoia but it's manageable so far. Make sure to also have her checked for a UTI when she goes in for that exam. I'm hoping you are her PoA for medical and financial, or that she has one at all.
I would look for a reputable, local facility near you that has the full spectrum of care, and accepts Medicaid residents. Your Mom can hopefully private pay for a while and then when her money runs out, you sell her house to continue to pay for it. If she needs LTC then she won't need to sell her house if she qualifies financially, but then Medicaid will put a lien on it for the next owner to pay when it changes hands.
I wish you much success in getting your Mom into a good place. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
She sounds now to suffer from some dementia. What have doctors told you of this, or what have they told other family members regarding dementia?
I would suggest you begin by watching Teepa Snow videos on youtube so that you can educate yourself a bit about dementia.
Your mother will not remain in rehab. She will be placed in an extended care facility. As you have already proven, her dementia doesn't improve at home. She now needs more people caring for her, several shifts of several people on each. She is no longer safe in home care.
You cannot argue with someone with dementia. Your mother's world is as real to her as your own world is real to you, and you cannot convince her that she is wrong. To do so would be very cruel in her current state.
I am very sorry, but this is what aging often looks like, and the longer life leads to an inability to keep one's balance and to frequent falls until the end. It can also lead to dementia and agitation.
Please follow the guidance and the suggestions of those familiar with dementia to help you deal with this; it is very unlikely to now improve no matter your good intention.
but when it comes to taking one out of their home be careful and ask yourself if the situation was reversed is that want you want. I think the best approach is to do outings to a care facility so she can gradually feel more welcome there. Hopefully she can make friends then want to stay. But if you just put her there she will resent you even in her altered state.
* When you learn that you cannot 'change' a brain that has lost brain cells and is losing more, you will change your thinking and approach to caring for her.
* You will realize that you cannot 'interject reason and reality' as you say.
- You never ever (!) argue or try to convince as she doesn't have the brain functioning to understand. It is just an emotional and psychological frustrating circle of tension, distress, even anger for both of you.
LEARN how to communicate with where she is. Be calm, re-direct, acknowledge. This is LEARNED behavior. It is not automatic. So you need to listen to professionals in the field of dementia.
Learn what dementia is and how to interact with a person inflicted with it.
Google TEEPA SNOW, one of the country's leading experts on dementia.
Watch You Tubes
Get books
Watch Teepa's webinars - if you have time.
Google "How to communicate with a person with dementia" or words like this to see what's out there. Watch these You Tubes.
You need to educate yourself to understand how to best care for your mother.
It is difficult. Be self-compassionate.
Learn how to be present with her:
- Just be ... hold her hand, smile, look into her eyes ... agree with her.
Show compassion for where (and who) she is now ...
and
not where you think - wish - or want her to be
...
which is having the brain functioning/cognitive abilities she used to have.
You do not want her at home. It is too much for you to manage.
If she likes animals (or babies), you can get her an automated, battery operated dog or cat, or baby that she can hold and 'take care of.' This may re-direct her attention and feel important, caring for another being.
Finally, ask her MD if medication might help.
Gena / Touch Matters
She can not live at home with only you to assist her. Rehab will keep her only as long as she is "improving." For long-term care on Medicaid she would have to be placed in a long term care facility. You have already let her stay home as long as possible. It is not longer possible.
Place her in the facility & let people who caretake for a living care for her.
I moved back to my home city to help my 80 year old mom, am staying with her & it's been 1 of the worst situations of my life. I can't wait to get out of here.
It's not just, that she keeps the place at a constant 85, 90 degrees all day, turns the oven on & opens the oven door in the mornings & I'm only steps away from it,.. I had to purchase a tower fan ontop of the 1 I already have, because she would lose it with air on... it's, I do NOT want to be around her full time & when she gets to the point where she can't do for herself anymore or the rest of her memory goes, SHE is going into a facility. I'm already trying to figure it out & making calls.
I'm an only child. It's difficult for me now dealing with a super negative, complaining, blaming, argumentative, combative person. There will be absolutely no way I can deal with her when her entire memory goes. I would have absolutely NO life, will not be able to leave the house Ever & handling all of this by myself will be too much!
If her care is covered, place her & go visit! And do not feel guilty about it!
Poor lady.
Sorry to say that your mother is declining.
1. Choose the Right Moment
Find a calm and quiet time when your mother feels relaxed and you can have her undivided attention. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during moments of tension or stress.
2. Express Concern, Not Judgment
Use “I” statements to express your concerns. For example:
“Mom, I’ve noticed you seem a bit more worried and forgetful lately, and I’m concerned about how it’s affecting you.”
3. Listen and Validate Her Feelings
Acknowledge her emotions without dismissing them, even if they stem from paranoia. For example:
“I understand that you feel uneasy about some things. That must be hard for you.”
4. Introduce the Idea of Support
Frame senior living as a supportive environment, not as a loss of independence. Highlight the benefits such as safety, companionship, and tailored care:
“I came across a wonderful place called Anointed Senior Living. They specialize in helping people like you feel safe and comfortable while still enjoying independence. They also have staff who can help if you feel worried or confused.”
5. Emphasize Quality of Life
Share how this could help her enjoy her days more:
“At a place like Anointed Senior Living, you’ll have caring people around, activities to keep your mind engaged, and professionals who know how to make things easier for you.”
6. Involve Her in the Decision
Present it as a partnership rather than a decision made for her. Offer to visit the community together:
“How about we visit together? We can talk to the staff, see what it’s like, and you can decide if it feels right for you.”
7. Seek Professional Input
Consider involving her doctor or a trusted professional. A medical expert can provide a neutral perspective and emphasize the importance of addressing her mental health.
8. Be Patient and Reassuring
Understand that this may take multiple conversations. Reassure her that your goal is to ensure her happiness, safety, and well-being:
“I’ll be with you every step of the way, and we’ll figure this out together.”
Anointed Senior Living Austin, tailored to senior care, can be a nurturing solution that addresses your mother’s unique needs while providing you peace of mind if you are looking for a senior care facility in usa