My mom is at the stage where she is still mobile, still of sound mind, but very reliant on me for driving her to appointments, store, etc (she no
longer drives) and performing physical tasks she can no longer do. For several years we have lived in a basically good and harmonious arrangement where we contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Lately, though, I noticed we are often engaged in ridiculous dominance battles that center on her insistence on overfeeding wildlife in our back yard and also our cat inside the house. She orders pounds of birdseed a week and lavishly leaves it out in the yard for birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and any other vermin that wants to stop by. Red squirrels (highly territorial) have been attracted by all the food and have systematically chewed their way through our porch screens looking for more. I’m scared that mice will show up next. No amount of reasoning, haranguing, yelling etc will make a dent in her insistence on the lavish spreads each day. I realize old people don’t have much to enjoy, but it’s starting to cause property damage as well as the animals constantly fighting one another which is unpleasant. Also the neighborhood cats have started to see our yard as a prey source.
Second, our cat has diabetes and it’s important she eats well before having her twice daily medication. My mom has been taking this as a cue to get the cat to eat by leaving open bowls full of canned food in every room
of the house. Not just on doors but on sinks, on couch, in windows, in bathrooms. It is disgusting and a massive waste of food, and I am constantly having to clean it up when she forgets. She puts out way more than this cat would ever eat in one meal. Again, I feel this is more tied to a psychological need to overfeed animals than any real practical purpose.
Blew up at her at 3:30 am this morning when I was going to shut a window before a storm and put my hand right in a big bowl of uneaten cat food. A classic “Yes you are going to stop this - no I’m not” argument ensued.
This is more a question for me but how do you cope with these situations where the elderly person is just doing very stupid and possibly damaging (in case of birdseed) thing and they just will not stop? I mean ways to unilaterally defuse the dominance arguments. I would move out but she has no friends and no one near by to look after her. (Did I mention that she has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order, does not need someone to drive her to the store to get it)
How do I cope with this? Would appreciate pointers to articles about this type of elderly behavior
I write from the perspective of the patient. My most recent Nueropsych Exam said I am now somewhere between Moderate to Severe ALZ. I've been reading and commenting on Agingcare since June 2016, when I was first diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ, I have paid particular attention to learning about what happens to patients as they move along on their journey of Dementia.
My gut feeling is that I know when I begin behaviors such as you have mentioned, I want to be institutionalized as soon as I show signs of being flying off in to the wild blue yonder. I believe when a patient begins to exhibit unruly, extreme behavior the patient needs to be institutionalized as soon as possible for their safety and the rest of the family.
The problems that come to mind for me is that I believe the patient has little regard for controlling their finances, which may be needed for future care, I worry she won't continue to have ample funds. The role of the Family Caregiver is to keep an eye out on the way one is handling finances, medical treatment, safety within the home, as well as when the patient is out in public.
Our local ALZ Forgetful Friends Group received some business cards put out by the ALZ organization that one can use to show that the person with them has ALZ disease or other dementia and that is why they are behaving in an unusual way. I scratched out on the stack of cards I received, and wrote in I am a patient with ALZ disease. Yes there have been a couple of occasions where I have broken out my card and showed it the sales people in grocery stores, doctor's offices, where I was not a known patient yet, etc.
Unfortunately, many patients won't acknowledge when the time has arrived for institutional care, give up driving, financial control and legal control. I have told my DW it is time for her to started executing the use of my DPOA for both medical and Financial matters. My DW will ask me to share my thoughts about what I'd like to do, but she and I know, now, she knows best what the right thing to be done is. I also turned over all of my ownership in the house, our savings and Life Insurance Policies. I am the first patient that my Neuro Dr, has that gave up their Drivers License voluntarily. I am blessed to have my DW looking out for me and our finances. They have both gone beyond me. I continue to remain active as a Volunteer in our Parish through Religious Ed programs, and Ushering along with volunteer work in a faith based organization. I am sure I'll pull the plug on the volunteer work when the time comes.
My hope is that other patients in Early Onset Dementias, will look at this and take some action on their own regarding Financial and Medical powers for themselves, and that they continue volunteering and keeping as engaged as you can be until you are no longer able to make contributions like volunteering any longer. I have no reason to ever think my DW will not do what is best for me.
Happy Independence Day,
John
I do hope others on this forum begin thinking about what you have shared about your own situation.
Best wishes to you for your thoughtfully planned future.
She obviously does not retain the information that you give her about the feeding of the wildlife or the cat.
I bet if you step back and review the past year or two in your mind there are lots of little indicators that mom's mental status is on the decline.
I would have her tested, say that it is a part of the annual physical.
If she truly is of sound mind tell her.
My House, My Rules
My Way or the Highway.
Is she still insists then block the way that she orders the food. (I would do that in any case) Refuse delivery of any new deliveries.
Keep cans of cat food locked up so that she does not have access to it.
Tell her that if she can not follow the rules then you will go with her to look at Assisted Living facilities. You would still be able to take her to appointments if you wish or most will have transportation available to residents that need to go to the doctor or shopping.
If indeed she is on the decline with her mental status you need to make sure all the paperwork is in order that you will need. A visit to an Elder Care Attorney might be next on your list of "to do's"
And the first thing you learn with any type of dementia is that you never argue, you will never win!
Partition the house? Sell it and divide the proceeds? No dice. Both parties have to agree, and she will NEVER leave the house she has been in since age nine (with interludes of living elsewhere when she was first married). So, that would be a costly and confrontational legalistic solution no one really wants. The only non-persuasive leverage (and persuasion has failed) is this monthly stipend she still gets from me, I'm afraid.
As for her buying me out - she has no resources for that. In fact, part of the reason that kept me from "getting out" to an apartment is knowing that she would be absolutely financially and logistically hapless and would probably want to move in with me - in a tinier space!
(Sorry, I should have warned folks that this was complicated, which is why I'm trying to focus on changing me and not her!)
I do want to go to an attorney to see about my aunt's situation because I think it's getting closer that someone outside has to be brought in to help oversee her general welfare, but that's another story.
1. God bless you that you are trying to do the right thing, If you are not in counseling, please do that for your mental health, and perspective on the problem and ways for you to productively change your patterns of interaction where you can. Pray - a lot - for graces to increase in the virtues needed to get you thru this time.
2. In early stages my Mom was exactly like yours - feeding pets incessantly, doing things and ignoring problems that would logically follows. She just didn’t care. Mom was highly logical but lost all perspective in early stages. I had the most conflict with her regarding pet care - killing with “kindness” to obesity and eminent death according to the vet. I did have to lock down the food (which became problematic because she would take ANYTHING out of the fridge to feed them because they were “starving”). I even left the dog treat box on the counter but filled it with a notes (a reminder that vet says xyz) so when she reached in she got a note instead of treats (ticked her off greatly but it solved the problem. When she asked who did it I said my brother LOL because to her he was golden). You can buy locking refrigerators by the way. Or as to another suggestion already made here - lock the cat in your room where she cannot access - maybe for a while to break the cycle anyway. Lock up the bird food, feed once a day together, and take away her ability to order as per other suggestions.
3. Agreed - with other advice here. Stop arguing - it won’t matter or help. Get your phrase such as “we will agree to disagree” or “thank you for your opinion but this is not open for discussion” and continue to repeat without additional commentary. Walk away if you have to for a short time - walk around the block or whatever. This was a counseling strategy I was given that most helpful to me. They can’t argue back when you give them nothing to argue WITH.
4. Yes, do go see an attorney as mentioned here as well. See what documentation you need to build to get total control in the future so you can care for her and create safe future living conditions.
5. Finally - recognize increasing obstinance also is a way for many to grasp and maintain what little control they have left. Understandable. The more you take control the worse she will get for a while - maybe a long while. You have to live thru that nightmare maybe for a long time. But you can do it. Look for ways to let her control other areas to maintain as much dignity if possible (which birdseed should we put out today? Sunflower or thistle? Which feeders do you think need filling today?)
God bless you!
Keep your cat in your room. Put the cat's food in your room. Move the cat's litter box to your bathroom. Poor kitty but better than being fed to death by your mother.
Your mother "has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order" because of your monthly subsidy. You, basically, are causing your own problem. It's like giving cash to someone with a compulsive gambling problem.
If your mother has "ample funds" why does she *need* your monthly subsidy?
Stop paying the monthly subsidy and use that money to pay for repairs of all the damage your mother's feeding of wildlife has caused on your property.
What about buying bird feeders and telling her that those are the only locations where she can put birdseed?
And at the beginning of dementia, the person often is very defensive about their disturbing behavior.
As for coping with the overfeeding, it may be time to invest in "timed feeders." Timed feeders open or dispense only a certain amount of food that you program into the feeder. Let mom be responsible for filling the feeders and putting out fresh water. If you have too much seed available outside, you will have mice and rats and then snakes.
Your Mom over feeding the animals is not normal. You don't need to leave food all over for a cat. They go to the place they always go when hungry. My cat actually sat next to his bowl when he wanted to be fed. You must have ants galore.
Get Moms PCP to order labs to rule out any physical problems. Watch for signs of Dementia. How is she in late afternoon, early evening? How does she process what is being said to her. Does it seem to take longer?
I've learned a lot about the trajectory of dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. An adult child/caregiver can exhaust themselves by continuing to interact with their LO as if they are still their "prior" selves. The challenge (as you are seeing) is what is still their prior self and what is their new dementia self THAT MOMENT or DAY, since dementia changes them slowly, secretly and steadily but has no real consistency except that it does change them over time. As humans (and loving children) we have an understandably difficult time figuring this out and then adjusting our solutions or reactions because the essence of their personality is still there, yet less and less and so we keep having a knee-jerk reaction to them as their prior selves. Dementia robs them of their ability to reason and also to consider the impact of their behaviors/choices on others who they love.
You've stated that you want to find ways to change your behavior since you have been losing your temper with her (been there, done that). And you say your living situation is complicated. The only real solution is to extricate yourself from her home if you believe (yet cannot prove) that her behaviors are about control and stubbornness. I predict that if you ever do this, it will become abundantly clear that her behaviors are driven by her advancing dementia. If you stay in the current living arrangement and do not see that her irrational behaviors are from dementia, you will be like the little child sticking her fingers in the holes of the dam rather than dealing with the imminent flood.
If you are her PoA then you should check the language in your document to see when your authority becomes activated. If it is durable then you can limit her access to her funds by giving her pre-paid gift or credit cards. She won't like it at all but it prevent your shared home from becoming an unhealthy zoo. With dementia, a lot of what you do your LO will resist and complain about. That's just how it goes. Dementia also has phases, and your mom is currently in one. My aunt (who now has mod/adv dementia) went through a phase where she contributed to every animal welfare fund from the appeals in her one cat magazine. Money she didn't really have. And order all sorts of stupid junk she didn't need. She no longer does that.
I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through solutions and come to grips with your mom's changes.
Does that mean that you expect to pay for your aunt and your mother? In the post above, you state that she has ample funds. Until this issue you write about above, you state you have had a good and harmonious relationship with your mother where you contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Sounds like that harmonius relationship may be coming to an end. What is your plan now, and has anything changed since 2017? Do you expect to live with and be your mother's fulltime caregiver as she further declines? And what about your aunt? What's changed in the past four years there?
We all just play along, in her case, she's not mobile enough to DO anything anymore, which is sad, but keeps her from doing just what your mom is doing--putting out 10xs the amount of birdseed that is necessary. She has a birdfeeder right outside her kitchen window which she can no longer even seen, because her back is so completely bent over. (She used to overfill that thing several times a day!) Now anything over 3-1/2 feet off the ground--she just cannot see. She CAN stand up straight--but won't. You don't get sympathy if you're not hunched over your walker!
She buys tons of junk out of catalogs and keeps it all in boxes. Tons of 'large print books' which she just piles all over her apt. I used to go online and order her the books she wanted to read from the LIBRARY and then they'd go BACK to the library--but she'd rather dump $100's of dollars on books she may or may not read. Same with puzzles. I would imagine she 'wastes' upwards of $500 a month on things she does not need. I feel like she should be paying for a bigger portion of the living expenses at YB's home, where she lives. (Right now she pays for the cable and that's it).
SIL has stepped out of any CG, 100% and mother is furious about that. She thinks SIL should be bringing her meals and cleaning. After 24 years, SIL is burnt to toast. Mother calls her the 'enemy' and I know SIL knows and is hurt by this.
Losing the filter to NOT say what just comes to mind is a good indicator of oncoming dementia. It doesn't have to be full fledged, all day kookiness. Just a slip of reasoning, 'thoughts' that come out in verbiage--when it was probably more prudent to just keep your thoughts to yourself---unkind words or actions--it's a slow slide.
Yeah, mom can balance her checkbook, but she can also comment that your pants make you look fatter than usual.
As far as mom overfeeding the many animals at YB's house-that is his problem. She gives them so many treats, and then they go into the common living room and throw up. Or worse. She doesn't see (or smell) a problem.
And I NEVER talk to her after 5 pm. She can't remember anything and there's not point in trying.
I don't see anything wrong with feeding the birds (I do the same) but not to the excess your Mom does. The neighborhood cats will eat the mice as cats love mice.
As far as the cat, keep the cat in your room and if need be put a lock on the door. I had to keep my cat locked up for 6 months in my room and my cat was fine.
In any case, you need to get POA (medical and financial of your Mom) and take control of her finances so she can't spend the money on bird seed, cat food, etc.
Again, get your Mom tested for dementia / Alzheimer's and then go from there.
I wish you and your Mom the best,
Jenna
Ive washed my hands of the situation. Volunteers help her and I administer most of the household bills on auto pay for her.
Its become too volatile with her rages and narcassistic behavior that she saves for just for me.