How to bring up the subject of assisted living?
As most of the regular posters know by now, My mom with Parkinson’s, 93 has lived with us since 2005. In the beginning she could be left alone for a few hours, not anymore.
She can no longer bathe herself, dress herself, cut up her own food, etc. I am worn out. I catch myself wondering how much further her disease will progress. She has mobility issues and it’s becoming very hard for her to lift her legs over the tub to get to her shower chair. Getting out of tub is hard for her too. I purchased the car cane for her to have help getting in and out of car for doctor appointments and she said it was a help. Now she won’t even try to use it. She now asks me to scoot her walker up close and she struggles very hard to stand up.
Anyway, the nursing homes in Louisiana are not rated well at all. They are at the bottom of the list. I went to visit and they are horrible.
There are nice assisted living facilities. They have inquired about her health and at this point they will accept her. They say hospice will be available when she needs it. They say if I wait until she has another fall that causes severe damage that she will have to do a nursing home which I don’t want.
She has funds in CDs. Not an enormous amount but she has it divided between her children. I have two brothers. I need to convince her to free that money up for her care. She told me years ago if she gets to be too much to handle to place her somewhere. I absolutely know she would hate the nursing home l went to. I hated it. Assisted living is not cheap, will look into veteran funds too. She has social security, so we should come close and my husband and I will have to pay the rest. I guarantee my brothers won’t pay a dime, but that’s another story.
Best suggestions for bringing up topic? Will she freak out when I tell her that I toured them on Saturdays when my husband was able to be with her. I’m counting on your advice, experience and wisdom. Thanks.
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Mom, I'm sorry but I just can't do it anymore, you need more help than I can give you. I've been looking around at the options and I found a nice looking place that I think you will like, but it's expensive. I know you were hoping to leave something behind for the family some day but we're going to have to tap into your savings to make this work.
Any objections can be redirected to how great it will be to have an established place so she won't need to go to a nursing home. Hopefully, if she does need a nursing home in the future, she won't remember this conversation - and if she does, you tell her that the requirements changed. Shrug.
She's not going to like the idea even if she does understand the need. Not knowing your mother I don't know if it will be hurt feelings, tears, disappointment or anger that you are touring Assisted Living Facilities without her consent but she probably won't like it because it means that change is coming. My experience was that "tough love" was the only real option. For three years my father kept making excuses why the move to assisted living was unnecessary, why it was the wrong time, why the available unit was unacceptable, etc. and I struggled to meet his needs. Finally, I had to just tell him that it was no longer his decision and that I had to insist that I also deserved a life and that he was being selfish and that if he actually loved me he'd make the move. (Actually, finally moving to assisted living was the first loving thing he'd done for me in my entire life.) After a year in his assisted living apartment I can honestly say that it has been good for both of us. I can enjoy visiting or taking him to breakfast or out for a haircut without it being just one more chore. He admits that moving when we first discussed it would have been better because now due to more physical and sight limitations he isn't as able to make friends and participate in activities as he would have been earlier.
In the decision making process I was lucky because as an only-child I didn't have any siblings to second guess me or for my dad to appeal to. Make certain that they know that you, as the caregiver, hold all the cards here and that they can't side with your mom if she doesn't want to make the move unless they are willing to take her into their homes for her care.
At my dad's assisted living facility they check your finances to assure that you can afford the first year, just like any apartment lease. They also have someone that will help you look into veteran's benefits.
It's not easy to have the discussion with your parent and have to be the disciplinarian but sometimes we have to make hard, but loving, decisions.
I just hope it’s feasible. Of course I want her to be happy and at peace but seems like some older people become miserable for a variety of reasons. She was not a miserable person earlier in life. She was a warm and loving mom. I miss that person that she once was. I do hold those memories close to my heart.
Its easy for people who aren't doing any of the heavy lifting to think more help isn't needed, but when they are told you can't bear it alone anymore the only reason to discount your pleas for help would be self centred indifference. Tell your brothers to put up or shut up, as simple as that.
As for your mom's reaction - when I first started to help my mom she had something happen that made it impossible for her to get out of bed, and since I was new to caregiving I thought a nursing home was the only option (I worked out a way to keep her home but that came later). I cried, and mom cried and told me she understood, a loving parent should understand if there is no other option.
My mom falls and the doctor was concerned that if she was unable to speak because she was unconscious, it would become a nightmare so she encouraged my mom to allow me to become medical power of attorney.
Plus, I am the only one that brings my mom back and forth to doctors and hospital.
My friend was the caregiver and her brother who lived at a distance had the power of attorney and it was a nightmare getting things organized and signed. Her brother finally acknowledged that the hassle of him having to travel to sign paperwork was just to much to deal with and had their dad change the power of attorney to her.
I only have 2 daughters but if I had sons, I would not view my daughters as not capable of doing what sons can do. Especially if it were my daughter doing everything in the world for me like I do for my mom. Thanks for reaching out. Means a lot to me.
So from your answer I'm assuming your brother has Power of Attorney? If yes, then try to get that changed. If you can't get it moved to you make him attend every event where paperwork might potentially be signed, even the smallest things. That's what my friend had to do. He brother was constantly having to travel from GA to FL to deal with paperwork, insurance, banks, etc. Finally, even he realized this was insane.
Also know that you will get through this. Keep your eye on the prize which is getting your mom into a safe environment where she has the care she needs and you can go back to being a daughter.
I get concerned about her not having any type of relationship with anyone but me. All of her friends are dead. Majority of relatives are dead too. She won’t go to a senior center.
Okay, another question please if you don’t mind. The assisted living facilities said that they encourage socializing with others. Do you feel that is true or just hype?