My 78-year-old MIL lives in a rural town about 6 hours from us whether by car or plane (door-to-door). She has no family or support network where she lives. There are no buses or taxis where she lives, and she is rapidly approaching the time when she should stop driving. She is very isolated and suspicious of everyone. She seems to have some normal-for-her-age cognitive decline, but appears to be of sound mind. MIL is not explicitly pressuring us to visit often, but she is clearly unable to continue handling her affairs on her own, a situation which will only continue to worsen.
MIL is an adult and certainly free to stay were she is, but we cannot visit her as often as were able to this past year, especially when we go back to the office in person. We have jobs and our own needs to tend to. But, my wife gets very defensive when I bring up my concerns. She feels that she cannot abandon MIL and must visit often to help her mother, despite the fact that MIL stood by for years and did little to stop FIL's physical and emotional abuse during childhood. (MIL also stopped talking to my wife for years after my wife came out of the closet.) It is hard to accept that my wife and I should now put our professional, physical, emotional, and financial needs on hold to allow her mother to continue living as she pleases. Especially when MIL did little to ensure my wife could live the life she wanted to live.
What can I do? I fear that supporting my wife unconditionally will only enable my MIL to continue to hold us hostage to her desires and will hurt my wife's and my well-being and our marriage. But I also fear that not supporting my wife unconditionally will also hurt our marriage and my wife's well-being. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation or how I can make sure my wife and I communicate productively about this are welcome.
Present options to her that might or might not be acceptable to either of you (actually all 3 of you...not all parties are happy when it comes to compromises)
As I see it the options might be..
1. MIL moves closer to the two of you. (that could be..)
a) Move in with you two.
b) Assisted or Independent Living near you.
2. The two of you look for work closer to your MIL.
3. See what is available in MIL's area and establish a network there that can help her manage day to day. Many things can be done remotely that can help MIL out. Meal delivery, grocery delivery. A caregiver that could come a few days a week to see how she is doing, take her shopping, do laundry and other things around the house. Your wife can manage bill paying and other things on line. Setting up cameras in the house to monitor her. Make a standing visit 1 time a month to check in and see how things are going in person.
One of the difficult things to establish is BOUNDARIES and making MIL understand what they are can be a daunting task.
The suggestions you make in #3 are good ideas. Using technology to help with bill-paying, security monitoring, and other daily activities would help lessen the burden on my wife.
But my MIL refuses any of these solutions. And, my wife feels that she cannot force her mother to do anything she doesn't want to do. But, she is also aware that her mother needs help with these tasks. Help that can only be delivered in person given her mother's inflexibility. (And, traveling to visit her mother once a month is not even remotely a possibility.)
That is the crux of the problem: that my MIL is unwilling to be flexible, and my wife is unable or unwilling to set boundaries. And, I don't want the situation to destroy my wife or my marriage.
Your poor wife has been groomed as a slave to mamma since childhood. There are no boundaries between her mother's wants and your wife's actions. Wife acts as if the world will end if mamma is not happy.
Find a good therapist with whom you can both share your feelings.
Thank you for the idea of going to couple's therapy to sort this out. It seems so obvious, but in my anguish about this it had not even occurred to me. :/
The first thing your wife should do is ask Mom to assign her POA for finances and medical. At her age I would ask that it be immediate. Not so ur wife can take over immediately but so when Mom does show she is declining and needs more help, you don't need a doctor to formally sign off. "Springing" POAs need a doctor/s to say the person is incompetent. If MIL bulks at the idea, then explain if there is no POA assigned the State will take over her care if ever she needs it.
The problem your wife may have is she is still looking for love from someone who has no idea how to give it. Because of this, she will take what her Mom dishes out. There must be boundries and your wife sets them. Her mother will need your wife more than your wife needs her. And you will need to set boundries. You need to get on the same page.
Find out what resources are available to MIL where she lives. If you move her near, take advantage of what is out there. Your future is important. You will be 78 one day and will need the money you have saved to care for yourselves. Do not allow MIL to drain you.
The book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud is a good book according to my daughter.
Fortunately my MIL does have a POA. That part is taken care of already. At least.
And thank you for the book recommendation. I will look into it!
It sounds as if you will need more clarity to emerge before you can suggest practical boundaries to your wife. Meanwhile I can only offer one of my mother's favourite sayings: "a closed mouth gathers no feet."
Is your wife proposing any specific and manifestly self-destructive course of action right now?
Thanks for your reply. We already help out MIL with any out-of-the-ordinary financial, legal, etc... transactions. Basically, if it is not something she is used to doing, she seeks out our help. Everything is a bit more complicated because she refuses to create online access for her accounts and because she is so suspicious of everybody.
Another example that better illustrates the problem is that MIL lives in an area where hurricanes are a threat. We finally convinced her this year that the next time a hurricane threatens, she should evacuate. (She has insisted on riding out hurricanes in the past.) She finally agreed to evacuate... If we came down to pick her up. Oh, and, also, she would only agree to leave if we helped her pack up all of her beloved ceramic figures. My wife managed to get her to agree to only pack a handful of them.
Later on when I told my wife I found that objected to spending time and energy packing up ceramic figurines, she replied I needed to understand to her mother feared that her figurines might be destroyed. When I replied, "So what if the figurines are destroyed?" my wife became extremely defensive of her mother and called me heartless. Nevermind that a heartless person would probably not take vacation time to drive 6 hours each way to help someone evacuate.
To be fair to MIL, my wife's poor boundary settings are not my MIL's fault. But I don't know how to best support my wife without letting her caregiving duties become an unbearable burden to her or us.
Could it possibly be that this is how it FEELS?
Try to “catch” your MIL being flexible and your DW being willing to put you first.
A couple of more book suggestions. “Atlas of the Heart, Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” by Brene’ Brown and “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande.
Hurricanes have been a problem in my life for at least 20 years and appear to be getting worse. For the safety of all three of you, I hope you pursue the therapy. It’s hard enough when you are fleeing the hurricane, much less driving to and fro and then back again. You have my sympathy.
May I also suggest that the next visit include a doctor's appointment for MIL to test her for mental competency. This should be a usual part of her annual physicals and whenever she is seen for illness or injury. When she is found to be mentally incompetent, then you and your wife will need plan that you already agree upon for MIL's care with round the clock caregiving.
Please take the time to sit down with your wife for the purpose of having a discussion to outline your concerns, worries, needs for you, your wife, your marriage, your mil. Seek a counselor’s help and support. You will then have a base to work from as decisions are made to help. Good luck these are tough times, but you can get through it.
Many of us have learned...you cannot change someone who does not want to change, so expecting your MIL to become flexible is probably not going to happen. What can happen is how your wife reacts to her. I agree with therapy, your wife is trying to earn her mother's love with tremendous inconvenience to herself so mom can stay nice and comfy. Wait for a calm time and talk to her about your concerns. Ask her why she gets so defensive over her mother not having things exactly the way she wants. Ask her why she seems to think her mother matters more than she does.
My father was only 20 miles away. He was not overly difficult, just needy as heck. I also had a childhood where I was always last on his list. Now that he was elderly and everyone was gone, I was the focal point of his life....and I was not having any of it. I don't forget the past. With that said he was always on my mind. Managing his life weighed on me 24/7 and I remember how bad and anxious I felt all the time. It is not an easy thing to live with.
As a spouse you have the right to express your needs and expectations. Your wife needs to consider a practical plan for her mother’s care, and for the future of your marriage. As this may be new to your wife, it will become more and more of a burden as time goes on. Help your wife by setting some healthy boundaries.
Be patient. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Ask your wife to do the same. Ask for philosophical conversations that aren’t hijacked by emotions. Have Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.
How much involvement can do WE want? Your MIL want? Maybe start with a list of what is needed now and assign time requirements.
What other resources exist? Siblings? Meals on Wheels? County health dept?
What honey do’s in your home can be hired out? Cleaning? Yard work? Renovations?
What can be managed remotely for MIL (you can ask USPS to send a digital image of every envelope in MIL’s mailbox)?
What conditions does MIL have that need appointments?
Can MIL manage meals if they are minimal effort? (Had a 90 yo neighbor cook a week of single serve meals for her brother)
How will WE handle the fallout from arguments with stubborn MIL?
What are you willing to sacrifice? Golfing … or maybe there golfing near MIL?
What are toxic signs you need to watch for and manage?
What happens as MIL becomes more needy?
Would MIL be happier in assisted living? (Friend’s MIL moved cross country to live with son & wife. Lasted 4 months. Wife & husband avoided being in their home b/c MIL was demanding. Everyone’s happy with MIL in local assisted living.)
How will WE carve out time for us?
Your MIL could easily live for 10 years. If you can treat it like a business project to be assessed and managed, scheduled and delegated, it might be easier than resorting to the you don’t love me card.
You and your wife need to understand caregiving is going down a rabbit hole and the elder only needs more help as time passes. It’s hard when the elder is sweet and loving and able to handle activities of daily living. From what I’ve seen posted, it’s a horror show when things are toxic and/or the elder can’t manage the basics.
Share your question and the answers. She can’t say we don’t understand because people here have been living it in every degree.
Good luck to all of you.
1) Your wife was not well treated as a child and young adult, and is now trying to get the approval and love that she missed out on then. There are many many stories showing that this rarely works out. She can try and try, and will never get what she needs. Even if her mother changes (which isn’t likely), the reconciliation comes too late to solve the real problem, which is the past. Even if she does every single thing that her mother wants (demands?), it will never be good enough for her mother, based on years of experience.
2) In a marriage, the partner must come first. You didn’t marry her mother. If your marriage comes second to what mother wants (note- wants, not needs), you are better off out of it, painful though it will be. MIL can live for 10 to 20 years. What is left of your marriage after that?
Find some of those old threads, think about how they may be relevant to your situation, and where they fit into any discussion you are going to have with your wife.
I’m thinking some more, and will post again about strategies. Yours, Margaret
Your wife W makes a list starting with what she is prepared to do for M’s benefit, and ending with what she is not prepared to do for M. (On a spreadsheet, you can insert new lines to the list as required!) W’s list may start with ‘whatever she needs’, and that has to be broken down. First, between ‘needs’ and wants’. It may help to start from the bottom up, what she is NOT prepared to do. For W, the sticking points may be more important that the general statements on the top.
You do the same yourself, separately. For you, the top may be as important as the sticking points, in your discussions. Then you compare. This has the advantage of thinking generally in advance, not facing the reasonable number of ceramic figurines to salvage in a crisis, and arguing about trivia.
This might work in a couple of ways:
1) It clarifies the issues and the sticking points for you and W.
2) It could lead to some compromises.
3) It saves a lot of time in presenting the issues if you do both go to a counselor.
When and if you can both come to a balance between you (with counseling if appropriate) that is what you discuss with M as the boundaries. If you can reach an agreement with her too, it’s a win-win-win. It may take more than one discussion with M, because it's a new way to look at things. If she won’t touch it and spits the dummy, then you and W have a clear issue about what takes priority – M or the marriage. You have both already agreed that your joint list is reasonable. You then have something quite different to present to M, for her to accept or reject. If she rejects a reasonable outcome, she needs to be left to manage her life on her own and on her own terms.
Perhaps these suggestions can help you to come up with a variation that might work for you. I hope it helps. Love, Margaret
Work on arranging paid Home Health Care for your MIL. Your wife does not need to be hands on for everything. Her mother will probably strenuously protest outside help. It may take some time to find a private aide or an agency that will be a fit and that your mother can accept. Your wife will have to be very sure a hired senior services person or aide will be professional and honest and reliable. We would all wish for that if we needed help.
You might ask local churches contacts contacts or references. I wish I had a magic answer for finding that person, but I do not.