I am an only child and helped take care of my Mom until her passing at 87 from Parkinson's last year. My Dad (79) was her primary care taker and has suffered 2 small strokes since her passing. He's recovered physically from the strokes and is still independently living in his apartment, but suffers from spinal stenosis, has some memory loss issues (ie: forgetting to take meds) and I know he (as am I) is still grieving. My husband, teen daughter and I have been helping him more and more with things like finances, laundry, ect. He has a few friends locally that he talks to from time to time, but no one on a regular basis and I am his only family nearby. He has strong community ties and before COVID was still asked to participate in community events (ie: as chaplain for the village fire dept and was the village historian). Our plan has always been to move south (SC/FL) once my daughter graduates high school & DH and I retire. We want Dad to live with us but he is insisting on staying put in NY. I'm between a rock and a hard place...my family and I are getting ready to move in the next year (or two) but I do not want to leave Dad behind. I understand how hard it will be to leave the area he is familiar with, but I'm afraid that he will continue to decline and won't be able to care for himself (especially since lately we've been doing more and more for him.) I don't fully trust that he'll be properly taken care of if he doesn't come with us and I feel like the stress will consume me. How can I convince him that being with family is more important than the town he grew up in?
Is an in home caregiver an option for Dad?
As others have suggested, if you're not already POA(financial & medical), you need to start the process.
Also, Dads local Council on Aging is a great resource for questions you may have!
God bless!!
Secondly, perhaps Dad would like to join you as you narrow your choice for your retirement home. Maybe, Dad will begin to consider moving.
I add these thoughts to the many wonderful suggestions already given.
Best wishes to you.
Aybe when he puts his car keys on the dresser he will not find them in the morning. Good luck.
Set up as many resources as you can for him beforehand.
Take care of necessary legal paperwork too. Being further away you won’t be able to run to the rescue quickly any longer.
I am happy to see that you have made your decision based on your own desires.
Please don’t ever consider not moving due to your dad’s health.
Of course, you are concerned about him. You love him. In the end, his decision is his choice as to whether or not he wishes to move along with you.
I wish your family well and hope there is a resolution that suits each of you.
Enjoy Florida!
Talk about your move and the things available in areas you are looking. Something may interest him. If he has money to continue living where he is, and is still healthy enough to live alone, he may decide to hire the help he needs. In fact, you could try that out now by being too busy to drop by to do laundry - have a cleaning lady go in to do some of the things you do. See how it goes. You could still go buy for visits, but the work transferred to someone else. Often when older people see how much something costs these days, they will be more agreeable to another way.
You can also discuss the harsh winters up north as opposed to a southern climate - falling on ice, unable for people to get in/out to help him. Discuss as though these are reasons YOU want to move - don't push on him as reasons he should move.
Is he willing to have in home help with cleaning, with med management, with cooking - is there meals on wheels in your area or something comparable? Get him set up with in home assistance. Leave your contact information with the aide company, friends and Dr.s. It's all you can do at this point.
As his condition changes you revisit what his needs are and go from there. Who knows, after a few moths separation he may wan to join you.
You will have to make him understand that you won't be able to physically help him from another state. Then let him decide. If he doesn't want to go you can't make him.
I wish you the best in this transition.
What support services can he access where he lives now? As he's already expecting - or anyway receiving, whether he *expects* it exactly or not - more and more from you, this is the time to start looking for resources he can then continue to draw on. Do you have any outside support at all with what you're doing for him currently?
My Dad is the same way...hiding memory issues although it’s becoming more apparent to him. Lately if he can’t remember something he just says it’s due to some holes in his brain due to his strokes.
I looked at an Atria Sr living here in NY...it was my favorite. I can’t get over the difference in cost...between $3-5,000 more here than in FL. I will check out their other locations and talk with my Dad about checking them out with me.
Prayer is definitely something I need to remind my self about. Such simple advice that will help my Dad and I a great deal. Thank you.
I do know what it is like to care for the elderly...I helped my Dad take care of my Mom for the last 5 years until she passed at 87 last year from Parkinson’s. I’m still working full time with a family of my own to also take care of and am hoping to retire next year. It was difficult but I wouldn’t trade the time I spent helping take care of my mom for the world. We had hospice in the last few months along with home health aides as my Dad at 79yrs couldn’t lift any longer and we needed someone with mom 24/7.
This experience with mom taught me that the best care he will get is from me until his needs exceed what I can do. And that when aides or AL is needed I need to be close by to monitor and advocate on my Dads behalf.
My Dad is declining...I see the signs...I don’t want to wait for a disaster that will force him to move, although this may be what will happen. If possible I really want to avoid this stress on me and on him so I would like to find a way for him to be comfortable with coming with us. While I love my hometown, In my heart my home is where my family is.
My parents had a condo up here and one in FL. I was surprised that the decision was made to sell the FL place when it became too difficult to travel between them. My mother raved about the FL place all the time. I suspect it was more because most family was up here and many friends as well. I'm glad they did - the 1.5 hours each way to clear, clean and get repairs done on the condo here took almost 2 years for me to finish before we could sell it. I can't imagine how we (make that I - most everything has been done by me, very little help from brothers) could have dealt with one in FL!! Between my mother and my cats, I wouldn't be able to go stay there, and on top of that, I'm not a big fan of FL. Always look on the bright side!
Many people think in home care is less expensive... that depends a lot on various factors, including the hourly charge:
*how many hours of care are hired?
*how much does the home/apartment cost?
*how much are all the other expenses (utils, food, insurance, etc)?
Yes, AL is expensive - more so in NY than some other areas. Then there are the no-show and/or quality issues. In AL, there'd always be several working, so a no-show isn't as bad, and often the less qualified aides will be let go.
My mother's MC just eeked over 8k/mo last year. If you break it down by hour (of course people/services/supplies etc don't get paid by the hour, but bear with this), 8k is just over $11/hr. Granted, the residents don't get 24/7 one-to-one care, but most don't really need that much - some more than others, but it all works out. The fee/rent has to cover taxes, possibly mtg, food, utilities, cleaning, maintenance, repairs, admin and the care staff.
Meanwhile, if you have to hire someone just 8hr/day 7 days/week, you're talking $6k PLUS the cost of the home, utils, food, ins, etc. Consider also that the "going rate" increases for nights, overnights, weekends and holidays. BUT, just that 8hr/day at $25/hr plus the cost of the home, etc is MORE than the AL. Just some food for thought.
I understand the concerns. The local AL you found isn't exactly local. You can't really watch over his care if he is alone or in AL in NY. He wants to stay where he's been a long time. I would, like you, be concerned not only with what help he needs, but his isolation. Sure, he has friends, but you say their visits are not very often.
You say the plan to move is a year or two down the road. Would he take a trip with you, when you go house hunting, so he can see what it's like? Arrange tours for some of the AL places there, so he can see for himself. Some will offer a free meal, and you could ask them ahead of time to introduce some of their more gregarious residents to chat with you and your dad. Make him feel welcome. Show him around, etc. Meanwhile, make concessions with him, saying you plan to visit a few times/year yourself to see your friends, so he can check out his old friends and haunts during those trips. He can invite them down to visit him too! They might like that, esp in winter.
Make a list of the tasks he has difficulty with now (not talking about what you do, just the tasks HE can't manage) and show how at AL those are managed for him. Cleaning, laundry, perhaps some meals. Medication management can be part of that, but if he's just forgetting to take meds, I would suggest getting a timed locked dispenser - it will alert him and present the meds for that day/time he should take them. Of course the most you can get from these before refill is a month (if there are meds 2 or more diff times in the day, it will need more frequent refills.) If he stays, someone will need to be hired to fill it - aides are not allowed to handle medications, so it would be a more expensive nurse. If he moves, you can manage that.
If he's still refusing to go, after your move, ask him to come visit for a week or 2. He'd still have his place to go back to, but show him a good time while he's there! Do go overboard and wear him out, but if you can find places to go that he would really like or activities that he enjoys, he might start to like it!
My point is, let your father live his life on his terms until it becomes no longer viable for him to do so. He'll tell you when he can't do it anymore, and then you can make arrangements to move him closer to you. That's my suggestion. You can always see if he'd like a caregiver to come in to help him out a few days a week once you move.
You need your life, and he needs his. Hopefully, you can both accomplish that.
Good luck!
In the meantime, think yourself about how all these questions would be answered if he moved with you as a live-in, or alternatively to AL. When you both discuss it all again, you can raise how it could be done if he moved.
Your Dad is not so old at 79, and clearly he loves his apartment, his home town, and his community. Can you think through with him how he can do return trips occasionally? He shouldn’t have to feel that he is walking away permanently from all the things he cares about.
I think Keeping the discussion open is important but without pressure and as you said giving us time to really think things through as time progresses. Traveling back to NY is a must...I would want to return to this area as well as I have friends here and I do still love this area.
Hire a professional caregiver to help him in NY, if he wants to stay there. Or If you are able to bring him with you, place him In AL there in FL.
If he lives with you, it will be a big burden, and there goes your retirement.
What I suggest is finding him, if he can afford it, a nice Assisted Living where he now lives. They will be in charge of his meds. He will have 3 meals a day, outings and entertainment. Socialization too.
Once you and he have the PoA in place, he should have a medical exam where his doctor discretely does a cognitive/memory exam on him. He needs a baseline measurement in his records. Do not do this before creating the PoA. Only do it after.
If he is already forgetting to take his meds, this is a problem. Short-term memory loss can also make him forget to eat (which happened to my MIL). Your dad has had a huge change in the past year and more is surely to come, and quicker than anyone can imagine. Start with getting the durable, springing PoA. Also, please reconsider having him actually live in the house with you. This is not good for your privacy, your marriage or your stress levels. Try not to romanticize his caregiving in your home. If you think he's stubborn now, just wait until he's in your home and refuses to shower or wear Depends. You can read all about it on this forum from those who have gone before you. He will do much better in a more social environment in a senior community in FL. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.