Hello~I am having a difficult personal inner struggle with moving 85 yr old Alzheimer’s mom into assisted living. She recently scored 5/30 at neurologist’s appointment. Dr said it’s time to move. Mom cried saying, "I can’t believe you are doing this to me." Heels are dug in to stay at home. Have home care Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 10-3 and Tuesday and Thursday from 10-1. She is talking good when I call her and wants her glider put out on her patio. She wants to stay in her home that she built with Dad. Eventually when 24/7 care is needed, staying at home won’t be affordable. I already evaluated 3 assisted living facilities and chose one. How do I do this to her? My heart is aching and I’m in tears.
Yup it is going to hurt.. her and you.
But she no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for her or not.
Find a facility. You can tell her it is for Respite while you go on vacation so that you know she will be safe. When you "return" you can tell her a pipe broke and needs to be fixed and she needs to stay longer.
or
If mom has the funds continue in home care but is should be 24/7 not a few hours here and there.
To answer how do you do this to her....
Is she safe now? Is she safe when she is alone?
Your job is to make sure that she is safe, she is safe and cared for.
Truthfully I hope she just goes in her sleep before that needs to happen. That’s what I always hoped for my parents.
Im trying my best to do what is right by my Mom but she's not making it easy. I try to remember it won't be easy no matter what I do.
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but I think we just have to let them go, into a facility and do the best you can.
I don't know if she will be near your or what, but whatever is safest for her is at the top of the list.
Im at a point that I've run out of time to plan because the plan is upon me.
It's just a very hard thing to do and deal with. I hope you have someone to help with heavy load. It doesn't always mean siblings or friends but reaching out to your local social services for they have many resources they can put you in contact with.
Best to you.
Then emphasize she will not be totally alone, yet still has her privacy. Tell her it's not like the horrible 1950's places in movies, not a prison or asylum. Tell her the family thinks it's a good idea, so they can visit her easier with more spare time!
Sure she's had her house for years. We all have. But getting old happens to everyone. She would be protected 24/7 by a professional staff, and know she is not alone. Her late Husband would be pleased she is safe and will have an easier life without chores.
it definitely beats sitting in front of the tv (which many residents do,)most if not all day mostly watching tv shows, some of which can be over 40yrs old with actors and actresses that have passed on.
Example, isn't it sad to watch say the Golden Girls knowing all the main characters have passed?
My mom's doctors also suggested AL long before we finally moved her. I suggest you don't let the score dictate. Also MC is very low functioning and maybe not the right choice even if there is cognitive impairment. If your mom can still tend to her personal needs it would probably be overly restrictive.
We did not bring my mom to look at different facilities. Two of my sisters toured and we chose the one we thought she would like best. We tricked her and told her it was a hotel--that was last year and she still thinks it is a hotel and occassionally asks about checkout.
It has made our lives easier in many ways and lifted a lot of worry since we know ahe is safe and well cared for. But it has been a tradeoff, make no mistake. AL is one thing for elders with full cognitive abilities who can amuse themselves but another for people with dementia. It can be cliquey and not as comforting as being at home. Another thing to consider is how is she socializing? My mom's world had become very small as her friends died and moved away. She didn't seem to mind but she spent more time inside and seemed a little depressed. It would have been different if she had a vibrant social situation, but you can't expect people who are fully with it to want to spend all their time with friends with ALZ. We later learned that her friends were relieved we had placed her and later told us that they were always worried she would wander away whenever they met up to go to a play or out to dinner.
Sorry this reply is so disorganized. I have never read a post that said my loved one with ALZ asked to go to assisted living. Many facilities have a one or two month respite program. You could try getting her into one of them and see how it goes. It might surprise you.
Who provides support to your mother on the days that she is not receiving home care services? Would it be possible to enlist the support of family members, community members, friends, and etc to help on a frequent basis to free up finances if/when more in home support is needed? Would a yard sale help to free up funds to finance home care? Is it possible that you could move in with your mother on a temporary basis until you can reach a decision? That way you could save money and have a better view of your mother’s needs. Consult with your county’s aging council. They may be able to provide helpful resources.
Possibly, consider taking your mother with you as you tour these facilities. See if you can help her focus on the beauty of the place, the events they have, the dining room, beauty salon, and other amenities. Mom might be on board if she feels like she will be staying at a resort rather than an “old folks home”. Also, let Mom know that she can bring photo albums, portraits, mementos, and other cherished items to make her room feel as close as possible to the home she built with her husband.
Keep Mom informed and included in the conversation as much as she can understand. Also, let Mom know that the best and safest options have to be made for her care and you will work with her on that, but also decide accordingly due to her circumstances. I hope this helps.
Don't let her self pity discourage you from where she needs to be in order to be safe.
Assisted Living means no cooking, housecleaning or laundry, for starters. It's not a prison or asylum. She still has her own place, privacy and professional medical staff working there. Get her on the Wait List, since it will be much harder as she gets worse.
My mother lived in AL for 5 years and loved it, then segued into Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life where her girls treated her beautifully.
Best of luck to you.
For the most part I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be in AL but in Memory Care. At least when it gets to the point where you are worried about whether or not she is safe to remain at home alone.
In an ideal world we could all remain in our homes until we die.
And 50 years ago that was possible in most cases. "Mom" was home, not working. Most of the time 1 or 2 sets of grandparents lived near by and could help with the kids or the "senile" one, the would keep tabs on the one that would wander, might expose himself, might shoplift, or try walking into a neighbors house. (and even if that happened the neighbor would probably offer coffee and call "mom" and tell her "I got grandpa Joe"
Well now "Mom" works, the kids have all sorts of activities, both sets of grandparents are 1500 miles away or dead and no one knows their neighbor and if you happened to wander into a neighbors house you may be shot or cops would be called and you would be charged maybe with trespassing or worse breaking and entering.
Long way to say your mom can't stay in her home.
Now if she listens to her doctor would she accept that she has to move to a place where she is safe and has 24/7 care?
The other side of this is with dementia she no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for herself.
I do hope that you have POA for Health and Finances so that you can make these decisions for her. If not it might be to late but you can try to get an attorney that will determine that she knows what documents she is signing. They will interview her alone to make that determination so make the appointment for her "best" time of day.
On another point - you mention having found assisted living facilities but if your mom that dementia those may not be appropriate for very long, you need to be sure they will provide dementia related care or you will find yourself moving her again.