My mother was a decent parent and my childhood wasn't bad but she has always tended to interfere with my relationships and criticize under the guise of advice. This has gotten so much worse as her health has declined and her mobility has decreased. I'm struggling to maintain some life of my own while helping her but often feel punished for going and doing anything. Today was a prime example of that and I'm now sitting in my bathroom crying. All I was going to do was grab a bite to eat with my daughter and she went off. I'm feeling resentful that she is so demanding; expects me to be at her beck and call and twists everything into being my fault. I'm sorry but having to go to the grocery every single day is just ridiculous. I was informed that is because I don't sit down to discuss things with her; she never knows what's going on etc. I have dinner with her nearly every night; if I'm going somewhere I tell her and keep her updated like I did when I was a teenager - is there something I'm missing that I should be doing. I know I'm rambling but I'm so tired and so stressed... I just want to give up.
You are not a child yet you are behaving like one and allowing her to treat you like one. By telling her your every move and action.
You don't have to explain your actions, you don't have to answer to her.
If she throws a fit, walk away, hanger up, whatever, but stop catering to her tantrums. It works right now for her and that just reinforces the unwanted behavior.
Looking at your profile, your mother is only 74. This suggests two things:
1. You're in it for a long haul so the sooner you get the ground rules straight the better.
2. Your mother is too young for the dynamic between you two to be explained by the increasing anxieties of old age.
You *were* going to go [out?] to grab a bite to eat with your daughter [who also lives in the same household as you and your mother?] and your mother, being told about or hearing of this plan, "went off." In what way did your mother "go off"? And did you in fact go out to share some down time and a meal with your daughter?
I have to guess, because you don't say: was it the case that you feared that your mother would object to your going out ("perfectly good food here, why don't you stay in") or would want to come too (but three's a crowd), so you didn't tell her about it, then when you sprang it on her she was annoyed and offended and it all kicked off from there?
And yes we're under one roof. It was mutually supportive once upon a time. I'm struggling me because I guess no matter what choice I make it feels like I did something wrong.
When will we get there?
What will we eat?
Why is grandchild behaving that way?
Why is DIL eating/not eating that?
Will there be anything to drink? I didn't see you buy anything.
Will there be anything to eat (food was ordered ahead).
Why are you wasting money going to a restaurant?
And most memorably "what are you, a garbage pail?" --to my 16 year old daughter, who offered to eat the appetizer that elder daughter's new boyfriend had said he didn't care for before it was served, but she gave it to him anyway.
We have learned to ignore her. Woman has a PhD in linguistics and we love her to death but she could drive you off a cliff if you actually paid attention to her.
Just turn a deaf ear.
As some members here frequently mention, maybe being around people her own age with activities could change her outlook on things.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
By the way, due to some posters coming in here to tear down the 'horrible' managed care facilities, I will tell you that my parents have been living in Independent senior Living since 2011, and Assisted Living since 2014, and now Memory Care AL since 2019 (for my mother) and NONE of them have been 'horrible' or even close to horrible. More like nice hotels with entertainment and on site caregivers. We should all be so fortunate to be able to afford managed care in our old age! #Truth
Please realize what's happening and put your foot down in your own home! You deserve to have your own life, and so does your daughter. Good luck!
You seem to be of the mindset that she somehow has the right to approve or disapprove of your actions. Again, walking on eggshells to make sure she doesn't get upset is ridiculous. Crank a few of those shells and let her know how it is going to be going forward. The more you bow down to her, the more she will demand.
I can not abide someone keeping tabs on me. Instead of learning to cope with criticism why not learn to exercise your independence?
Your daughter is in her 20s. Does she plan to stay living at home with you and mom? For her sake, I hope not.
“changing things is going to be very painful”. Not changing things sounds pretty painful too.
If she says no, then hear that as go.
Stop asking. Leave a note if you want to be polite. Set up a regular time to go out on your own even if it’s around the corner to sit in your car and listen to the radio. Do not apologize for living your life.
If your mother needs medical care, she should get it and stop picking on you.
Don’t ask. Tell. That’s letting someone know what’s going on. I hope you feel better soon.
You're so right about that
If your mother can’t see that something is wrong, you need to tell her, very firmly. If she won’t change, you shouldn’t be living together. This situation will kill your love and respect for each other. Your mother has let hers wither, and yours will die too.
If your mom was an acquaintance who acted like your mom is, would you accept that treatment? I don't think so. So when mom starts on her tirades, walk away. The first time she does it, tell he you aren't going to listen to her when she's acting like that. The second time, and every subsequent time, just walk away without saying a word. Let her stew in her own juice for a while.
As far as feeling guilty, did you cause her ill health and lack of mobility? If you did, then you rightfully should feel guilty. If not, throw that emotion out the door.
You DO NOT have to accept verbal abuse from ANYONE, and "mommy dearest" is being verbally abusive.Sending you a giant hug!
Is your mom's pain being addressed medically?
"It would be easier if we didn't all live together I think. Today I just hit a breaking point."
How long has she lived with you? And how did that come to happen? Do you have siblings?
"And yes we're under one roof. It was mutually supportive once upon a time."
How was it mutually supportive at one time?
"My mother needs more help but adamantly refuses it unfortunately."
What kind of help? Did you bring it up? Why did she say no?
"It may indeed be time for placement. I'm not sure we can keep up anymore."
What are your mother's finances? Can she afford assisted living (sounds like she might need this). Are you her POA/HCPOA?
You DO NOT have to allow this servant/master relationship to continue for one more second. Your mother is the one who is needy and can't get by without you. Not the other way around.
Right now and today is the time for you to lay it all on the table with her. Either she stops the manipulating and disrespectful behavior or she will no longer be allowed to live with you. Tell her very plainly that you are an adult and DO NOT owe her an explanation for where you go, who you see, and what you do. There are parts of your life that do not include her and don't offer any explanations for them.
You will not be her nanny-slave that is at her beck and call 24 hours a day, Nor will you be her scratching post when she's not having a great day and wants to berate someone. Also, you will be bringing in paid help to assist her a few days a week. They will be doing her grocery shopping and other errands whether she likes it or not.
Then let her know that she's on probation. Give her 90 days to reduce the demands, the manipulation, the interference, and the unsolicited 'advice'. If she refuses to improve then what happens next is she moves out and let that be the end of it.
No arguing about it. No drama, guilt, or tears. You must establish these boundaries with her and she must learn to respect them.
If she can't or won't , then find her another place to live and move her out.
For groceries, give her the note pad. Tell her each time you think of something you need to put on the list, but tell HER. Don't write it. If she thinks of something, she can add it. Gradually get back to a weekly shopping trip or order online for delivery.
Continue to tell her you will be going somewhere with someone else, BUT don't tell her too soon. Maybe that same day. Don't give her a lot of time to dwell on it.
My neighbor and I have a little private joke - We see each other in our yards. She says can you come over and I say - Nope, not allowed to get off my sidewalk/porch today. We have just learned to laugh about whatever we can.
This is understandable and acceptable.... to a point. It's always nice to be civil and share information and ideas, but not when it is turned around and used as a weapon against you.
It won't be easy and will take time, but as others said, stand your ground. You don't have to be nasty about it (leading to guilt), but you also don't owe her any explanation for what you do. If she is going to do this with everything you say and do, then she shouldn't be privy to your plans - just go. So long as she can be left alone safely and has her REAL needs met, then make your own plans and just DO IT!
I see your comment about realizing thing could go on and on and on for many years. NOW is the time to nip it in the bud. My mother lived alone, doing for herself, into her early 90s. When dementia crept in, changes needed to be made. She wouldn't allow aides in (after about 2 months, 1 hr/day to get her used to them/sanity check as I live about 1.5 hours from where she was, unable to check every day), so she had to move (not very willingly, but that's a different story!) to a memory care AL. As lealonnie1 notes, there are those on this site who live to bash ANY facility. Don't listen to them. If it comes down to moving your mother, it is up to you to vet the places first, not just read reviews, etc. My mother's place was great (IL/AL/MC.) I've told my kids that if I end up on the dementia train, make sure it stops at the MC place - if not that one, then one like it.
BTW, I'm only a few years younger than your mother. Granted she can have pain and mobility issues, but that is NO excuse to run roughshod over your life, NO excuse to be verbally (includes emotionally, mentally or physically) abusive, NO excuse to blame you for anything you haven't done wrong. NONE. Do I have pain? Sometimes - it fluctuates. Do I live with my kids? Nope. Do I expect them to bow to my every whim and wish? Nope.
If you do share info and she starts her tirade, walk away. You don't even need to respond. Just go. What's she going to do, chase you back home? If she tries the guilt tripping, it's best to work on ignoring her and/or walking away. If she has no cognitive issues, she'll either figure it out, or be spending a lot more time alone while you do your thing. Don't be a schmuck. Don't be a doormat. You can still help and do things for her, but on YOUR terms, not hers. Grocery every day? Lose that! I get to a point where I'm hard pressed to scrabble something together to make do - it is at least 2 weeks between grocery runs, sometimes longer!
Yes, you will find yourself backsliding now and again (aka kowtowing to her whims), but don't let that discourage you!! Hang tight. Regroup and stand your ground.
Always remember, NO is a complete sentence.
The kind of mom she was is one part of your relationship; you are now in a new part. Of course they are related.
From her point of view, it sounds like perhaps she is just fearful of losing control of her life, her mind, and you. People get self-centered when they are fearful.
Best thing you can do is find a therapist, and pronto. You're going to need an advocate on an ongoing basis, someone you know you can go and talk to, vent to, and know that they will be objective and hopefully, helpful. My best and most recent therapist really helped me through a lot of family issues and she was also a great problem solver. I got very lucky. I hope you can find someone who can help you just as much.
In the meantime, stick to your guns. Don't explain everything, don't ask for permission, and imagine that you are wearing some sort of teflon or bullet proof suit. Let that criticism bounce off of your armor. Ignore it, don't respond to it. Tend to yourself, tend to your daughter. I'm sure you are a loving, caring, competent daughter to your mother.
Start using services that don't require you to go to the grocery every day. If she can afford it, let her get it delivered. Do you live with her? Do you have to eat dinner with her every single day? Are there are other family members who can take turns and take some of the pressure off of you? What about her granddaughter? Can she have dinner with her grandmother once a week? Every two weeks?
Take care of yourself. None of this is easy. Find a good therapist.