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My mother makes choices in her daily life that could affect me. Some now and some in the future after she dies. She is in her right mind so she can make her own decisions. But they are bad decisions a lot of the time. And I have to get involved because of her decisions sometimes. And dealing with her is very difficult. Or she might end up in the hospital because of a decision. That hasn't happened yet. But it could have. It's very stressful dealing with her. Even though I try to keep my distance emotionally. She is co-dependent with my brother that has a personality disorder that complicates things even more. My father died six years ago. There is no one else. She would not listen to anyone anyway. She is rigid. I just wish she would die or just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She is 88 years old and can't walk without a walker. But lives in her house alone. Brother stays over three or four days a week. But won't help her much. So I can't just go no contact. Actually I hardly visit and mostly use the phone to communicate with her. Still wish she would just go away. My life would be much less stressful.

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I think you really wish that you and your mother had better communications, and that she would respect you as an adult when you make suggestions.

Time to keep your distance but be there when your Mom really needs you. If she makes bad decision, she has to own up to those decisions and fix them on her own.

I remember someone had said that why worry about something that might never happen... if you do worry, and later it does happen... you are worrying twice.

Both my parents are in their mid-90's, Dad uses a walker and Mom uses a cane, and they still live alone under their own roof. They do fine. It's their decision to keep living on their own for as long as their minds are still somewhat sharp.
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Hadnuff, you are not alone. All you can do is make sure you do you duty to her, to make sure that ultimately she is as safe as can be. But modern life has truly messed up the natural order of things to where people live longer than they can take care of themselves. The stress and feelings you have are shared by many.
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My Dad has frontaltemperal dimentia and makes very bad decisions. He has been doing this for years, but had his legal matters taken care of until my sybling got to him and, suddenly he revoked the POA that allows me to protect his from himself. The doctor is working on papers to help me approach the courts, but in the meantime his revocation must be contested. If he were to injure himself and be put in the hospital I cannot prevent the medical folks from placing him in assisted living. He wants to live at home and I've told him this could happen. His answer is to tell me he has to consult his attorney, who knows he is not right in the head. There are times I feel it would be less stressful for him to just go away, but then God helps me get ahold of my thoughts and realize he is still a person and needs my help. Parents, like children, are not disposable when they become problems. We must remember it is our nature to want it easy, but our duty to help those who cannot help themself. I recommend you get her tested for various sorts of brain problems. A CT scan showed my Dad's has this frontaltemperal dimentia and that explains a great deal about his behavior and actions. God help you in dealing with both your mom and that brother. I got one of those too and he is the problem that moves Dad in a very poor direction.
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Hadnuff, just hearing you say that with such determination and such forcefulness, makes me feel sad. I know that you are looking for support, and the support I will give you is this, I acknowledge that your life right now feels unbearable because of the unbearable situation with your mother. I hope that somehow there is a miracle between you and your mother, but I also never have wanted someone to die, so I respect how you feel, even though I have never been in your shoes ever before.

God Bless
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Hello, I know the frustration you feel and it's obvious you just can't make your mother understand that some of the decisions she is making can potentially be really bad ones. You didn't mention what those are but, if they are putting her health and/or safety in jeopardy, you must intervene regardless of what she thinks or says. You said she is 88 so maybe she is showing signs of Dementia or Alzheimer's decease. I assume she has a doctor so, maybe it would be a good idea to take her to see him/her so she can be evaluated and you know what you are facing.
For what you mentioned in your note, you can't or wont detach from this situation, it's hard, no matter what, it's hard to just walk away. Wishing she would just go away is a sign that you are getting burned out by this, specially because your brother doesn't help at all, he probably makes the situation worse. Do you think you can talk to him about it? explain to him he needs to plug in and help with your mother's care? I know how difficult it is to get your siblings to help, I have 4 and neither one communicate with me, our mother has been living with my husband and me for 3 years and we haven't gotten a phone call, a letter or dime. You need to start thinking about what is going to happen in regards to your mother's situation, you might have to place her in a nursing home or hire in home help soon so, get all the information you can possibly gather so you can be ready when that time comes. I can tell you are fed up and you are not even living with her and caring for her 24/7 so, if you don't think you could do that in the near future, please start thinking of the other options.
BoodaGazelle is correct, in the case of the elderly, modern medicine and technology has indeed disturbed the natural order of life for this people. Living a long life is not always a good thing if the quality of your life sucks big time. What good does it do to live to be this old if you can't take care of your most basic needs yourself anymore, when your mind is so irreparably gone that you can't enjoy a good book or beautiful music or a good stake, the sunrise, the sun set, your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, when you soil yourself and need someone to clean you up. Most of the time this task falls with your adult children, who have families and jobs of their own and might have to give that up, believe me, it's not pretty, it's awful, no matter which way you see it, other times, it falls onto the hands of strangers in a nursing home. It's obvious you worry about your mother but please, get ready for what's coming, it might get worse before it gets better.
Good luck to you!!
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It is only me and I could of wrote this myself. I feel this way every day of my life. The docs are no help anymore. She does what she wants and takes all the anger about her sad no life out on me. I will always hate her.
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The one thing that has helped me in extremely challenging situation is to agree on 'shared expectations'. Then see what the other person wants to do about it.

So for example sit down with your mom and just ask her what she wants to see happen. If she struggles with that you can make some suggestions. For example you can say that you hope that the family grows closer through these challenging times, rather than farther apart. You hope that you and others can learn from your mom how to live life well. You hope that you can learn to show each other love and respect. You will find things that work for your family.

Then see what she has to say. Be silent and let her think and talk.

I did this with my sister and once we agreed about our shared expectations, and I was quiet for a moment, my sister apologized to me for not being the way she wanted to be. She said she would try harder and we always referred back to the conversation we had. I also did this with my mom and it helped us tremendously although I probably did it a little too late.

I hope this tip helps you. The two most important parts of this is to have and talk about 'shared expectations' and for you to be silent so the other person can talk about what they are going to do to play a role in achieving those expectations. Then you can also say how you will try.

I hope that doesn't all sound too complicated. Just thinking back, on some super challenging times with my family and it worked!

Now that my mom has passed away at age 93, I learned that it is very, very final and very, very empty without her.

One of my biggest blessings is the good memories I will always have. So this is the time for you to create good memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

My hope for you is that all your memories are good ones and that you can work together with your family to create plenty of them starting now.

I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a good family member. We have to spend our lives learning how to be better and working with each other to learn together. I believe we can learn new things at any age. :)
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You are not alone. It is not selfish to question how you have found yourself with these responsibilities that you didn't ask to take on. The feelings you have come from feeling that there is no end in sight and that you have no control. All I can offer is that you do what you can to protect other parts of your life so that you have a place of retreat in your life to refuel. Try to take control in the rest of your life so that you have some power over your life. I am in your situation and feel powerless when it comes to my mom and all that caring for her means.
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I agree with the others that you aren't alone in thinking as you do. Please read all of the answers because there's a lot of compassion and some good suggestions on this thread.

It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.

Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.

As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?

I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.

Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
Carol
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What kind of mental issues does your brother have? Is it possible he might hurt your mother? Unintentionally or not.
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Bottom line is, I get it. Even my kids say they wish Grandma would just die. She's 93, almost completely blind and hard of hearing, in an ALF, and projects her anger at me all the time. Has always been a verbally abusive person, and with dementia setting in, she is unbearable. If I make even the slightest mistake, or forget something minor, she says sarcastically "well , you're supposed to be so smart." Always with the putdowns. I will always do my duty to her, and am on antidepressants with Xanax as a backup when needed. There are times I just want to sleep, because there is no way out of this situation, and the only way it'll improve is when she's gone. Doctor reminded me that I need to pull back when she is being so mean and hateful for my own mental health, and to take care of myself first . I don't think it's wrong to wish she would die. Approaching 94, her life is miserable, and I can't help but believe she would be happier on the "other side". Thank God for my children who remind me that I can't make someone else happy, and I have gone over and above, forgiving her over and over for her verbal assaults, but after six years of this, I am tired. Right now I am at a very down point, and have not called her for a week. I know at some point I'll be able to cope better again, but don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wishing this role was over with!!!
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Feeling this way recently also. At Stage 6 and getting to the last stage soon, my husband becomes less of himself and more of the vacant person I am now caring for. It gets harder and harder to deal with it as his personality is really going away. He cannot communicate effectively, because he only uses a few words to talk and they don't make any sense either. But I usually know what he needs by what he is doing at the time. For example looking in the fridge. He usually wants his drink. Or he will stand by the TV. That means he wants be to put in a DVD to watch. Or when he puts his hand by his backside. That means he has to go to the bathroom. That's the signal I really hate. It means I am going to have to clean up another mess in the bathroom, perhaps strip him down and put him in the shower. I have to wash him too. He doesn't remember how! It gets more depressing every day. Yes I know those feelings and I hate myself for even thinking them. I keep hoping he will go quietly in his sleep and I will no longer have to deal with the person I have been with for 38 years. The person I was madly in love with and who loved me so much, and was my best friend. He's gone.
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Before mother's dementia arrived just after she abruptly stopped drinking after 60 years of alcoholism
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You are doing a good job in a very difficult situation. It is very normal to wish that a situation would resolve itself or go away when the pain is great and a loved one is involved. My 90 year old Dad was helpless in bed for two months, and while I did not consciously wish he would die, I knew that would be the ultimate solution and it was. You are doing the best you can do. WInston Churchill said "When you are going through hell, keep going." Try to do more things to take care of yourself. Praying helps me.
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Perhaps you need to see a professional therapist for all your anger issues and stressors. Wishing your mother's demise is neither good for you nor her, and you probably should have very little contact least you really harm her. Mothers will always love sons more, so anything your brother does or does not do is probably okay with your mother. When something is not working for you, just stop and think is this anger toward your mother harming her or you? Be kind to yourself and do not have toxic people in it otherwise you may die before her.
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Been there but with some patients that were mean and nasty.I only wish they had better communication with the world and made their expectations known..instead they would be mean ,physically abusive and verbally abusive.perhaps talking to your mother might help, express your concerns, maybe she is scared about the future..no one wants to die or end up in a nursing home..you are frustrated and need to distance yourself emotionally for your own good..you are basically right now,"beating your head against a wall"..she is not going to change and your brother needs to realize your concerns ..You do not need to wind up in a hospital because of an emotional "breakdown'...reach out to support groups, the staff, even the doctors can recommend alternatives..I have seen family members end up in the hospital because they "broke down"..please seek support ,we need you in this world..good luck
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mother's verbal emotional abuse stayed on course.
we lost my drug addicted brother 6 weeks ago who lived with her for 20 years as her caregiver
roommate best friend. He nearly bankrupted her!
I'm the workaholic financially responsible daughter who now chooses to forgive everything one day at a time, get her medical help with her neglected painful feet, sell her home and move her into my lovely senior community where her best friend also lives.
She refuses a caregiver so I leave her 4 days a week with food, constant phone calls and encouragement. We are both grieving the loss of my brother and are in shock. Thank God for my male friend of 30 years who spent many years caregiving his parents who just past away at 95 of Alzheimer's. He insists I go home 60 miles away on Sundays to swim, walk and keep my much needed job 3 days a week. My lifetime of codependency abruptly ended the sad day my brother passed in his sleep of an overdose. Gifts come in tragic packages
I am grateful I have many years of Alanon and 32 years of AA or I would be relapsing right now.. 12 step program's can fill in where other options miss the mark. Exercise and clean eating saves me!
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I have the same problem, my mom has dementia, that gets worse everyday, she's mean to me or manipulative. The difference is, she wants to die. I started trying to focus on my health and wellbeing and keeping my mom at arms length, but still taking care of her.
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Wow..this hit home .mom has dementia , a colostomy bag. I have been living w her two year my disabled loser brother lives here as well I hate him for many reason but each time I have to clean up after him I build more resentment to my mom because she wants him to stay. He is capable of living on his own just free loader..60 plus years old..I have a full time job and in past 2 yrs living w mom caring for her my income has drop 20000 dollars several weeks I may only work 6 or 8 hrs. Mom can use a walker but I prefer wheelchair its easier on her..I'm baby of 8 kids sister loive hour and half way and its like pulling teeth.. I could ho on and on but I buried my aunt yesterday and I was almost jealous of my cousin who had been taken care of het mom. Then I thought bout it. Death is so final. Its not I want mom to go away it is I want the stress and drama to go away
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You may not like this answer but:

Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.
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I understand this response, but just know Hadnuf, that my mom is in assisted living, but I feel like I do all the assisting!! Its not always the answer and won't make all your problems/issues go away. If you go this route, remember to still set boundaries, take care of yourself and live your life to the fullest. I have to remind myself of this.
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My mother does not have dementia!! She has been like this my whole life. She had a therapist that wanted me to come to a session with her. Mom said it was a waste of time because she was going to do what she wanted anyway. She has GAD, OCD, is negative, and ridged in her thinking. She also has let my brother rule her life for years. He has a personality disorder. A therapist called protective services when he slapped her a few years ago. She was driving him crazy when they were in the car going somewhere. They didn't do anything. A social worker told me they don't do anything unless it's a really bad case. He hasn't touched her since. He actually cares about her at some level. Her doctor asked me to try to talk mom into going into assisted living or nursing home a few years ago. Said she would be safer there. Mom wouldn't listen to her. And she couldn't force her into it. I tried mom wouldn't listen to me. She is managing by herself. But she should would be better off living in assisted living or someone living with her. Never going to happen. Her bad decisions. Her bathroom sink was broken. Of course, brother wanted to research sinks to get best one and install himself. Which takes time. She used plastic gloves going to bathroom and used kitchen sink to brush teeth and sponge bath. I threatened to come with plummer and buy sink and get installed. She begged me to give brother more time before I resorted to that. He did get sink put in six days later? Stove went up, she had toaster/convection oven so I wasn't so upset when she again said brother has to research and buy stove. Brother lives in subsidized apartment. She is afraid of him being kicked out one day and be homeless. Has signed legal papers so he can live in house after she dies. He is on SSI and food stamps. So for years she tries to spend as little money as possible to have enough money for paying house expenses after she dies. She is not rich or even close. My father had a slipcover business. He owned the building and a half house attached. Mom would not sell building after he died. Brother didn't want her to. A few years ago she tired to tell him that people weren't always paying rent and they were a lot of expenses. He said then raise the rent. Well there was a fire in the half house and people who fixed it didn't do it to code. Has to be done again. Not worth suing them. Won't get much and cost a lot. NOW she is trying to sell office building and half house. But no one wants it. They will have to spend lots of money to get house fixed up. I could go on for a long time. But I'll stop for now.
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You need outside help.
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Don't ever feel guilty about your thoughts. Easier said than done. I've been dealing with a dependent mother for almost 12 years. I'm an only child, terrible frustrated, depressed and hopeless. Bottom line is she's too old to change, I can't live with the guilt of abandoning her and I have to make the best of a horrible situation.
We didn't ask to be born or to end up as caregivers but we are. Don't let your mom take more of you or your life then is absolutely necessary. My mother's doctor told me I shouldn't feel ANY guilt at all, that if an elderly person is of sound mind, that they are responsible for their own happiness and life. They should not look to others to be of constant service to them. It's debilitating for the caregiver. The more you do the more she'll expect. Do whatever you need to do keep your guilt in check. I get it I get it I get it. I've made a decision to live with
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She's of sound mind and is responsible for her decisions. You are not. Do what you need to to keep your guilt in check. That's what I do. My mother's has always been deeply dependent on my dad who God love him, passes away nearly 12 years ago. Since then, she's transferred all her need on me. I feel like a walking corpse, drained of all life. Not fair that one person can and/or should do this to another. I don't want regrets so I do my "duty" according to my belief system. No matter how long this goes on for, I'm betting (hoping) that the time I have afterwards will outweigh the burden I feel now. I want that time to be guilt free. So as bizarre as this sounds, I'm doing this selfishly to protect my emotional health after all is said and done. Wish I was doing it out of the kindness of my heart and out of love but I'm not. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I feel for you. There are many of us in the same boat if that helps at all. And many of us share the same feelings. It's normal. Remember we're only human and we're asked to perform to some degree, a superhuman act. Life has changed dramatically, life expectancy has also changed dramatically and no one was prepared for what is happening now with caregiving that can go on and on and on. I stay very busy and work A LOT! Makes me less accessible.
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I had to stop visiting my parents on a regular basis to keep sane. It can bring you down so much. I had to put them in an ALF and they were not happy about it. They both have Alzheimer's. There is no common sense. I get them what they need but cannot have them over or go over to visit. So much has happened that I had to deal with but they cannot understand. It's the disease and I keep telling myself they can't help it in order to continue to do what I must. I have determined to respect them but will also distance myself when it's taking more of a toll on me than I can handle. I pray for strength for them and myself and I am getting through this. This has been going on for four years now so survival of Your Mind is most important if you are to be of help to them (your mom).
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It is my mother who wished she would die. I used to challenge her on it. I moved back 11 years ago from LA. Initially we put her back together. Multiple surgeries. Now she lives with me and has for 5 years. I have some limited help,
she has some money and I cannot place her in a Nursing home for 450$ a day and marginal care. I went part time, but cannot afford to do it any longer. I would be lying if I said, I never wished she would just die. We have taken great care of her and now after 11 years I need to take care of myself. She is finally on an antidepressant and also being treated for her failing thyroid. I am planning on moving south and taking her with me. Life goes on, she may live another 1-10 more years. My compromised life style has ended. So now she will go for a ride with me. I would certainly delay a move if she was unstable. So, now she is kind of excited to move in the next 11 months. She will die when her time is up and no sooner. I have to live my life and set myself up during my pre retirement years. Returning to work full time and living in a city that fills my needs. Her needs have become simple routine and custodial. I think we will be just fine. I am a better care giver for having the courage to unstuck myself. good luck
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I think it's good you are keeping your distance from your mom for now. Sometimes that distance helps in healing a relationship. You remind me when I would complain about my kids, my husband to God in my prayers and then I bought a prayer book from Stormie Omartian. One of the things it spoke in teaching me how to pray was to first look at yourself and pray instead, Lord change me. When our perspective is right and we catch our thoughts in our attitude, making them positive and a bit more empathetic, we will be a better around our parents and others. Try to forgive her and I would suggest praying the Word of God over her.. Who she is in Christ... healing, guidence, direction scriptures over her. You can buy bible promise books that are catagorized for different areas in our life that have appropriate scriptures. You can get them online or any Christian Book Store. I like the one by Joyce Meyer, called "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word." It will do you and her much good. You may also want to look into hiring some in house help for her relieving you and your brother the feeling of the burden of responsibility. You could put an ad in a Christian Newspaper or look for one there. There are agencies too but they generally charge more. There are also adult day care centers you may want to look into. I just watched a special on TV (channel 2) on the benefits of belonging and going to these centers. You can call your county social servies for the elderly to help you in connect with more information. Whats important is for you both to get the support you need. God is there for you too. Bring all your cares to Him and prayer. Speak life...Holy Spirit life in everyones life. Remember Jesus died to give us an abundant life. We can channel that truth into someone elses life with His Word through avenues such as Godly music, church services, television/computer connections such as Day Star and TBN. You are not alone in your frustrations. I'll be sure and pray for you and your mother! Blessings for a good life filled with purpose to you and your mom/family!
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Oh, believe me I totally understand how you feel, I never had a decent relationship with my narcissistic mother....she was constantly mad, critical, envious and verbally abusive to me...then she got dementia (alzheimers) and no longer knows who I am...either I'm her mother, sister (she never had one), doctor or the "nice lady downstairs" who does nice things for her but I'm never her daughter so now she's actually able to be nice to me...now that it just doesn't matter anymore. I also have the problem now of accepting the fact that my sister and I will lose all the money she wouldn't share ($75,000 +-) when we have to put her in a nursing home...Dr. said try to spend it but atty. said it has to be spent on her only and she just doesn't need anything....I could get a new car since I am her transportation but it would have to be titled in her name and I would pay the insurance....sounds good, right ? Not in Michigan, we have the highest auto insurance rates in the country..$176.00 a month (yes, MONTH) for a midsize Ford basic policy...and I have a perfect driving record !! That's actually more than a car payment...she could have done so much just a few years ago just by being nice. Yes, I totally understand how you feel.
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Look you don't want to be bothered. Maybe your mother is a horrible woman, maybe you're also very selfish. Who knows?

Shamir hit the nail on the head.

I had wonderful parents, so I can't relate. Yes it was tough at times, but I would do it again, but if you hate the woman than get social services involved for an evaluation, and make it clear to them you have no intention of helping her.
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