My mom has taken a bit of a downturn in her symptoms. I am at a loss as to handling the current issue. She has been in AL (not memory care) for a year and a half. Her major issue to date has been memory. Right around her 92nd birthday this past week, she started behaving more oddly than usual. She called me to declare that while she was out of her room, someone had replaced her mattress with another. Initially I tried to make her see reason by explaining how illogical this was, which of course was the wrong approach. She even went to the ED to report it and the ED did the right thing by agreeing to look into it, got maintenance on speaker phone with my mom in the room and asked if it had happened. Maintenance reported that no, no one went in her room, but they had brought someone else’s mattress through the hallway around the same timeframe and maybe she saw this. I had hoped this would resolve the matter but she then told me that obviously everyone was lying. I can’t seem to move her beyond this, as every time I think all is well (and I pray she’s forgotten), she brings it up again and the upshot of all this is the backlash I receive: I don’t support her, I’m never on her side, I’m a terrible daughter, etc. etc. I can’t even agree with her and say you’re right, that’s exactly what happened because that will open up a whole new can of worms about untrustworthy help, theft, you name it. Now I truly want to avoid her because I can’t handle this constant vitriol. I know there is a bigger issue here, and something will have to change, likely medically, but it’s a long weekend, she keeps calling me, and we are making no progress. I am getting close to taking the phone away and then all hell will break loose. I simply don’t know how to put this fire out. Any advice would be welcome.
If your Mom turns out to not have a UTI, then she may just have progressed in her dementia. Paranoia is a feature behavior. My Mom lately has accused me of stealing 3 of her spoons, a bucket, and her car keys (which she managed to lose all on her own). She kept returning to my house to search because she didn't believe me when I said I didn't have them.
Please learn more about dementia so that you don't get exhausted from trying to reason with people who are no longer able to use reason and logic in their daily lives. Dementia robs them of this, along with empathy for others, their sense of time, their short-term memory, their executive functions (judgment, decision-making) etc. One must never try to reason -- it only makes them more frustrated and paranoid.
I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She also gives very useful tips on how to interact with our LOs with dementia.
Also, here is something I have posted on my refrigerator, since my 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me:
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) and/or POLST
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
Your mother seems to remember things a lot longer than my father did. I agree that she should be checked for a UTI, other than that she needs to bring this up with the administration and let them deal with her. What does she actually expect you to do about it (even if you agreed with her)?
If everything is clear maybe have this conversation....
"Mom, none of us can figure out what happened to the mattress. Is the one you have now comfortable or not? What can we do to make it more comfortable.?"
If she says the mattress is comfortable maybe you can put the issue to rest. (the other one went out for a cleaning. Or This is a newer one and it is a better quality. Something along those lines)
If she says the mattress is not comfortable you could try one of the mattress toppers (only if leaking is not a problem) Or then maybe you are in the market for a new mattress. If she is in a Hospital bed a replacement one should be easy enough and may be covered by insurance.
She was complaining bitterly (as always) about her mattress and how it was sagging in the middle. So my dh and I, at the recommendation of staff at her Memory Care ALF, got her an adjustable bed with part memory foam and part regular mattress, combined, thinking it might solve the complaints about sagging memory foam.
HA!
Well that new bed was nothing but a tremendous headache from the moment it entered my mother's suite! She hated it. She couldn't work it ( of course, the caregivers worked it FOR her), it was too hard, too soft, too this, too that, it wasn't working at all, (unplugged), the instruction book was lost, the remote was lost, the bed was STUCK in an uncomfortable position and would not move, and on and on ad infinitum. It took all my inner strength not to go down there with an AXE and chop the stinking thing to smithereens. Every time we saw her, she'd pull dh aside and say, "do you like my new bed?" Dh would say, "oh yes, it's wonderful!" At thst, she'd say "yeah? You think so? HA" and roll her eyes.
This went on for months, it was ridiculous. I told her she was the only human who could chronically complain about a $1200 brand new mattress and that I wasn't listening to anymore b.s. from her. And I didn't. The subject of the infernal bed was CLOSED.
Your mother, like mine, knows for a fact that her bed was switched out and so it is. Like I was hiding my mother's parents in the closet at her Memory Care ALF, who would be 137 and 157 years old respectively and in skeletal form. You won't talk her out of this idea so tell her the subject is now CLOSED. Leave the room when she brings it back up, as she will, and preserve what's left of YOUR sanity at this point. Jumping down the rabbit hole WITH the demented elders serves no useful purpose but to give US agida and migraine headaches.
Take care of yourself now. Mom's in another world.
Because she is bedridden we don’t have to worry about meds increasing her risk of falls. Trying seroquel to curb the obsessive looping. She is still raging so another med may be tried. Now violent too. Ativan may be next.
I really feel for you. I do. Good luck!
You are not the worst daughter ever. I am. Because I can’t make my mother’s MIL rise from the dead to apologize for her selfish behaviour. Ain’t that ironic?!?
I wish you luck, I know it's difficult!
I’ve followed your advice where possible. We did a home UTI test and the results were inconclusive. I need to do it again; this is a tough test to do w a dementia patient. I called her primary care to move up her Oct appt, but her NP is out til Jul 22 and totally booked thru sept because she’s only in the office one day a week. Barricades at every turn. I’m going to start researching meds because based on the competency level we have dealt with in the past, I may have to just ask for a particular med and let them take it from there.
Thank you all for the caregiving you are doing and the caregiving you have done. Your loved ones are more fortunate than they will ever know to have you in their lives.