I am a paraplegic since 1979 and a caregiver going on 8 years. My wife of 43 years had a stroke 12/31/2011. She is 80 years old and I am 76 years old. I find the years are taking the toll on me and doing everything to run a home, from cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yardwork. I'm burnt out and my wife's daughters do not see my role relevant let alone see me doing everything in a wheelchair. My wife is strongly against going in a nursing home. I'm seeing her mind slowly but surely slipping away. All I get from her daughters are dejections and my sole responsibility for life to take care of their mother. Any piece of advice will be greatly appreciated.
Your disability has not landed you a victim which is awesome.
I read your message and additional info a couple of times and I guess I get from it that you are running into typical issues with Aging in place and realizing that you have some tough decisions to make if not now, soon. And the daughters are putting in their two cents.
Do you have any impediments to making decisions for your wife like daughters having POA? Has your wife been declared incompetent?
I couldn’t tell if you were wanting to place your wife, wanting help from your daughters they aren’t willing to give or wanting to figure out how you can stay home without their help and/or interference?
Since your wife has Medicaid does she get help in the home through Medicaid? Bathing, etc?
Are you familiar with ADLs (activities of daily living)? Look this up on line to refresh yourself and read them with your wife and yourself in mind. Do this every quarter or so to make sure you know where you are with the abilities of each of you.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask them to do a needs assessment to see what services you or your wife might be eligible for.
Consider all the services like online shopping and delivery and transportation for elders, MOW.
Try not to resist help out of hand when it’s offered.
If your house needs decluttering or a deep clean, get that done.
Each layer of help you get will make a big difference. If your home is not going to work long term then consider alternate housing. Get your names on lists.
The daughters may feel they have to protect their mom at some point from perceived negligence. A clean living environment, a clean mom and a general sense of order will help you keep them in check.
None of us live forever.
So the best defense is a good offense sort of mindset will serve you well. But it can’t be all bluster and no action. Not saying it is just reminding you that their perception is important.
But as you age things will be harder to accomplish so it’s good that you are starting now to consider your options.
With a mom in her 80s the daughters are going to feel a pull to pay attention and eventually you will need their help.
You may not be best friends but truly rotten kids don’t show up unless there’s a big estate.
Take care Bernie and check back in to let us know how things are going.
You seem to have a crystal ball that you can see my situation. The subjects you brought up cannot be anymore closer than what is happening in my situation. I must admit, I been quite forbearing to her daughters only because when my wife's aids don't show up, they have to pick up the slack. They are involve in all her physical needs . . . my wife.
I very grateful of the wisdom you shared with me. You hit the nail in the head. Thank you so much, take care.
As a comparison, I have been married for 19 years to my second husband, who is a competent and caring person. This is longer than I was married to my daughters' father, and in fact longer than each of them has been married themselves. If you scrape away politeness in one of them and impoliteness in the other, they both still view him as 'the new kid on the block'. It seems to go a long way down. You have my sympathy!
I think you should what is best for you and your wife, and politely advise and inform the difficult stepdaughters as necessary but otherwise pay them no mind. They don't have the right to insist you run yourself into the ground.
If it's time for a nursing home, or some other major change in your living arrangements, I say do what you believe is best for both of you with your head held high. You are obviously the sort of kind, loving spouse any person would be lucky to have.