My grandma has dementia and I've recently learned I guess the best way is to 'just go with it' or 'change the topic' which I have tried just going along. However, what my gm has isn't just that. She blames me for everything, accuses me, constantly says 'get me ×' when you go in wherever or get up, just straight mean to me. If we go to a store or somewhere she expects me to do everything for her, remember everything on her list for her, pick up stuff. I had been going to her house everyday on a exact schedule for years, then I graduated High school and my granddaddy got sick, I went over everyday as always but would also willingly do other things like sure with him while my grandma basically lived her life because we are supposed to do this stuff for her apparently. He's gone now and for the last couple years my grandma has gotten progressively meaner to me and now has spread to treating others like it. So now I've just finally stopped going to her house altogether except to take her mail and if she goes somewhere and hope she's not mean to me. I am 25 and I want to help, I had no problem when it was my granddaddy, but I just can't take this anymore. I live with my parents, I can't drive due to seizures. However, despite various things, I don't think my mother really believes her mother is treating me this way and goes straight to the were you yelling or something similar so I don't really feel I have her support because she just says that oh she's just getting old when we all know it's dementia as well as just my grandmother's character of caring only for herself. Any words of advice?
Where does gram live? With you, nearby? Who is doing to hands on work? Your mom? Outside caregivers?
Do you work? Do you have other sources of "validation" in your life, other than your mom and your gram?
Many folks with dementia (I like to think of dementia as "broken brain syndrome" become nasty and demanding. Some do not. In those that do, it's often a manifestation of depression/anxiety/agitation and can be helped by psychiatric meds.
Has gram been to the doctor recently? Is anyone talking to the doctor about her behavior?
I applaud the fact that you have the fortitude to cut down on your contact with her when she becomes toxic. No one should have to endure verbal abuse.
Perhaps the next time you walk into her area, turn on your cell phone to record the entire interaction. Let your mom have a look at it. Present it to her, not in an accusatory fashion, rather, "we need to help gram with this, she must be feeling so bad to be acting this way".
Move into town if you need to to be able access jobs/school especially as you don't drive - time to get on with YOUR life not being a general dogsbody for your family - I bet some people in your family are quick to volenteer you for things without asking you with 'oh I'll get Mary do that for you' ... sound familiar?
I don't work unfortunately. My plan was I think to chill the summer then start taking a class or 2 at tcc in the fall, however by then my granddaddy had already gotten so I felt being with him was my sole priority (I loved him so much as well as felt like it was my duty because he'd done so much for me in my life) so no college and no job.
As for validation my mom's cousin came over 2, 3 times a week at that time (she just lives 5 min away) even if just a few minutes on her way to work so she did see how my grandma treated me as well as now so she has recently talked with my parents about this, which my dad I think understands (he doesn't really like her attitude anyway) however my mother still doesn't believe and believes my grandma's lies about me, even when I tell her the real story. I understand my mom wasn't there nor has she experienced her mother acting this way, but I need her support instead of treating her mother like a child and I'm an older sibling who's being mean to her
Grandmother no longer can hop in the car and go shopping, or meet the girls for lunch. Her bones ache. Her hearing and eyesight is failing. Even food doesn't have the same taste as one does loose their taste buds as they age.
I see that your Grandmother had Alzheimer's/dementia, as per your profile. Not easy. Forgetting things can become quite scary for an elder, so they lash out at whomever is the closest, and that would be you.
So hopefully you will understand where your Grandmother's mind is, and why she is mistreating you. I agree with the other writers above, time to seek out a future for yourself. And time for your Mom and other family members to start doing some of the heavy lifting when it comes to this type of caregiving. It will only get worse.
Oh, those with Alzheimer's/Dementia will make up stories. They will see something on TV and believe it also happened to them. It's all part of this exhausting journey. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm