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The grandmother that I have talked about here, the knee replacement one, has always been horrifically cheap all of her life. She lives on her own and does her own grocery shopping but buys the cheapest stuff available at Save a lot then complains that the fruits and veggies that she got are rotting a couple days later. My response was maybe you should either quit buying them or maybe take a look at the thermastate on your fridge and turn it down, and naturally, the fridge is fine. But her latest thing is calling me up telling me that I have to buy her a laptop and set up an internet connection. I asked if I could expect a check for buying her a laptop. Her response was that I wasn't going to get a check or any kind of money. I don't have a whole lot of extra money period to spend at the end of the month, I'm lucky if I have $150 breathing room at the end of the month. I told her that she was going to have to get off her butt and go to Best Buy and get herself a laptop. She had a meltdown, which I expected because she calls every day asking me to buy her things but has no intention of paying any one back. Between her pension, Social Security and investments, she has $4,000 a month. She has no house payment, no car payment and her bills total are $1,500 a month. Other than cutting her completely out of my life, how do I deal with it?

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I'm sorry, I can't recall your situation. How old is your gm and how is her overall mental and physical condition- is she
likely to continue living in her house on her own for any length of time?
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I would be curious as to whether she is aware of her income and assets and why she thinks she can't afford to buy things. I think you said before that your grandmother was not bathing as often as she was supposed to. I might explore what might be going on with her just to confirm that she's understanding things properly.

I might question her about her plans for the computer. If she's having issues, it could be risky for her safety and finances. She could fall for any number of scams on the internet. Plus, is she tech savvy? Is it odd for her to suddenly want a computer? I'd try to figure out where that is coming from. I don't think that telling her to go by a major purchase herself if wise. If she does do that, she might get taken advantage of and overpay for something that she doesn't need. In fact, until I figured out why she's saying those things, I would be concerned with her shopping alone.

It seems that your patience has worn with her. Is there someone else who can assist her for now?
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Ah yes, elders who don't want to blow the dust off their wallets... my parents were the same way, but they never asked me to buy them anything. Glad they were frugal as now Dad needs to use the money for his care.

As for your Grandmother, you need to use tough love and say "NO" any time she wants you to pay for something. "Sorry I can't afford this luxury for you". Grandmother might not understand how expensive a laptop is as she probably sees people with them all the time, so they must be a dime a dozen.

By the way, has she ever owned a computer or is this her first try at wanting one? Do you think she would learn how to use it, or would it collect dust after a few weeks. Laptops aren't easy depending on Grandma's age. I can't get a hang of one and am happy to use my desk top computer as I came from the era of manual typewriters. A laptop makes my hands ache because one holds them differently compared to a regular keyboard.
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Your grandmother doesn't have a laptop or an internet connection but somehow she's going to learn how to use a computer and go online all by herself? What is she going to do online? What are you going to do when she starts calling you about the crappy computer because she was too cheap to buy a reliable one? Are you going to become her personal Geek Squad? Can't she go use the computers at the public library or senior center? You seem to have healthy boundaries with her and I urge you to keep it like that.

As for her being cheap, if she gives you money to procure something reasonable for her, then buy it but if she doesn't, then don't.
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If your grandmother asks you to buy her something, you don't have to get really heavy about it. Joking goes a lot further. Tell her she'll have to cross your paws with some bucks before you'll be able to get things. About the laptop -- I would use my own judgment about buying her one. Maybe someone can loan her one for a few days to see how she liked it. Otherwise it would just set until it became obsolete. (Really, laptops are already obsolete with everyone buying tablets now. I still like the big units myself. The screen is easier to see.)
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freqflyer --- have you tried tucking a small portable wireless mouse into your purse to use with the laptop? I've found the new laptop keyboards are made for larger hands than mine. Most of the time I use the wireless mouse, even when I'm away from home.
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"No" is a complete sentence. My husband's parents are both retired with income and got a BIG chunk of money from husband's grandmother. They still want their sons (both with kids in college and wives with cancer survivor issues) to pay for things or provide free services. A lot of narcissists just don't understand why you don't put their needs first. Just. Say. No.
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Realtime, I don't have a laptop but my boss thought I could use one so I tried his laptop for awhile... no thanks... my sig other also didn't like his laptop, so he now uses the laptop as a "tower" to run his separate keyboard, separate mouse, and computer screen.

My boss also had a tablet, but the constant scrolling was making me seasick too quick. Nope, don't want to use a device where I would need Dramamine :P
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My laptop pretty much gathers dust as I don't do much on it anymore - using my smartphone instead. But there are things when it comes to my mothers affairs that I only use the laptop for. I may be kidding myself but it seems more secure to me than my phone. As for gm - based on my own experience- my mom used her computer a lot before her dementia appeared but after a while she was continually doing stuff that locked it up and either my hubby or I would have to run over THAT MINUTE and fix it. Usually it was something simple and she'd get embarrassed/mad so instead she started calling her own computer guy who would charge her $75 - one hour minimum- (sigh). Eventually mom couldn't even delete emails and she'd get tons of spam - over 500 emails on it when my brother removed it from her apartment. Mom was also signing up for "free" stuff that certainly wasn't free. Bottom line - if gm is mentally able to use a laptop and most likely be able to for a while, I'd say - tell her you'll help her pick one out and set up internet as long as she's paying for it.
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P.S. I agree about not letting her shop for one alone. Most likely she only needs a basic computer- probably wants Facebook and email for the most part. A salesman on commission will sell her way more than she'll need or use.
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"I will help you shop for one, but if it is for you - you pay for it" What is the big deal? She gets mad? So................ does lightning strike you? (A little joke- my therapist assured me that lightning would not strike when I set boundaries with my mom. She was right)
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She tells you she wants you to buy a laptop; you explain why you can't. I'm wondering why you feel there's any need to explain at all why you can't afford a laptop for her.

I'm going to take a step back and venture that the friction isn't about the food or the computer or other issues. It's about control and manipulation, and she's literally got you around her finger. She complains, you feel an obligation to respond or explain.

To me, that's the critical issue.
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How do you deal with someone who won't pay for a dang thing? Let her do without.

Just say no.

"I could pick that up for you. Are you paying by cash or a credit card?"

"Maybe you should pay a little more and enjoy the fruit longer."

If grandmother has been firmly attached to her money all her life, don't expect her to change now. But that does NOT obligate you to pay for things she won't buy for herself.

Just say no.
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It's very freeing to tell someone who's been manipulating you, that it's not possible for you to do X. And then move to another topic. I think we get cast in the role of child for life, and we sometimes forget that as adults, we are allowed to tell our elders that no, we can't do that, without any additional explanation.
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So true, Linda. The other day I was thinking about getting another dog. I couldn't shake the feeling I needed to get permission from someone - who, my mom? I finally said to myself "Rainmom, you're an adult. If you want to get a new dog - get the freakin' dog!
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My grandmother knows how to work a computer for the most part since her job was on a computer before she retired. She has been talking about getting a computer or tablet for a couple years on and off but in the past couple months, she really has wanted one. I think part of the reason she is asking is because she doesn't want to get up and take a shower, put on clean clothes and go to the store and get one; along with paying for something. She remodeled her bathroom to make it easier to bathe and still won't bathe. But like I have said, she won't spend her own money but wants everyone else to buy her things without paying them back. As far as we know she doesn't have dementia and is hell bent on staying in her home.
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Evermore - don't kid yourself about the not bathing - it was the first symptom my mom showed and unfortunately I just wrote it off as her being her usual quirky self. As far as the computer goes - since she knows how to use one, tell her - "sure, I'll go pick out one for you but I think you're gonna have to give me cash cause I'm sure the store won't let me use your credit card".
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I agree. Don't overlook symptoms that could be indicating some kind of mental decline. It could be depression or some kind of illness, like dementia, but I wouldn't sush it. Before he diagnosis, my cousin wanted me to go with her for most all purchases. I didn't know why.

I might visit with her and get a good look at how she's functioning. Encouraging a person who may not have good judgment to make their own purchases could be a bad move.

After my cousin was diagnosed with dementia, it then made sense that she had a habit of revealing too much about her money situation when she went shopping. She would tell total strangers how much cash she had and how much in the bank! She was too friendly with people in the Walmart parking lot. It's a miracle she was not robbed or worse.

I'd make sure she's competent and if so, explain what the options are and ask if you can make the purchase for her with her money or if she would like to go with you. I don't see any need to be sarcastic to her about it.
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I just would like to add that if I had known that my cousin was having such mental decline, confusion, fear, etc. I would have been more understanding and attentive. I admit that I thought she was being silly by asking for my help. I mean, who can't go and buy sheets by themselves, right? I am so sorry that I did not see what was happening and that she really did need help with purchases. She was scared to drive and to be in a large store as she got confused. Later, it all made sense.
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I do not think it's a good idea for mentally fragile elders to use computers unsupervised. Computers tend to make people antisocial and older people, some of whom are already difficult to motivate to engage, need to interact with their peers much more than they need to stare at a computer screen. Why won't your grandmother use the computers at I'm sure are available at the senior center or library? Is it because she doesn't want to bathe and get out of the house? That your granny isn't bathing is a much bigger cause for concern than her cheapness and pestering you to buy her a computer.
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Seems to me you just have to stand your ground a few times and she'll learn that you mean it. Go price the items she wants and give her a list with costs and tell her when she gives you a check you'll go pick it up. I don't mean this to sound bad but I know with my mom with Alzhiemers, sometime its like taking to your child. You have to just say this is the way it will be and if she throws a tantrum let her. Believe me she will forgive and forget because she knows you are the one who helps her. don't be ugly about it or fight back, just stand you ground and smile and say sorry gram but I don't have extra money like that so if you want it you ahve to pay for it. She will be fine after a while.
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My Mom (for whom I am the caretaker for and for whom I am totally financially dependant) constantly insists the house smells bad and is insists that we move from the house. In spite of us needing the money for eventual nursing home care (Medicare does not cover this) and the act that she has Alzheimer's that is slowly getting worse, she insists that we leave (sell or just have the bank foreclose. She refuses to pay for electrical or any other repairs that might need to be done.
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I feel for you. My mom is very similar. Cries that she has no money for the basics, but then buys a $600 Iphone....go figure. She fills the house with chaichkis she bought online, but then buys the cheapest garbage bags, toilet paper and aluminum foil which causes her to use more. Then says she does not know how she will afford to pay the utilities (we pay for the mortgage and everything else) but then coughs up $70 for her dog to get groomed. I have just stopped listening to her when she says she has no money and don't jump through any hoops for her when she says she "needs" something for the house.
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It sounds like you have built up many years of frustration with your grandmother and her request for a laptop is kind of the final straw. I'm thinking about her generation. My MIL is in her 90s and so frugal that she's terrified she will run out of money, even though she's fine and lives in a very cheap apartment and gets half her meals from her friends who take her out and cook for her. It might have something to do with living through the Depression. My parents are in their 80s and keep every single leftover in the fridge or freezer, part of it is dementia but the other part is the memory of having it drilled into them as kids -- never throw anything away. She might think a laptop is cheap enough that you can afford to buy her one, or she might think a laptop is too expensive for her to buy it herself, or she might just feel she needs your advice and help with it (although she sounds like a pretty tech savvy granny!) I'd just smile and say "that's a nice idea grandma but you know I can't afford it, otherwise I'd love to buy you a laptop" and leave it at that. She sounds like a character, but you only get one or two grandmas in your lifetime, so find the most loving way you can to let her know you're not her personal cash machine. Then make sure you're taking care of yourself! You do sound like you're strained to the breaking point. If counseling is covered by your insurance, it might be a big help. Good luck and hang in there!
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Seems to me that you're trying to explain too much. You're an adult and as adults we teach people how to treat us. You don't owe any big explanations. I've had to teach this lesson to myself with a demanding relative. Just state what you can do, and that she will need to pay for it with no further trying to explain and/or justify. You have to concentrate and practice this habit. It's not rude or mean, it's being an adult and not being manipulated. God bless.
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