Follow
Share

How strange it feels right now, almost 2 weeks ago since my husband passed away and it seems everybody just simply abandoned me.Not one person came to my door with comforting words, a hug, I really did not expected much like bringing meals or sending me cards or flowers, sometimes simply showing up would be enough.Truly you find out who your friend are in time of need for some kindness.But I have to do it for my husband and tomorrow is his memorial service and I have to face those people whom I don’t wish to see again, not to mention I organized celebration of life at the very good restaurant and cannot imagine sitting for hours with them. Any suggestions?

Find Care & Housing
I think it's horrible that you've been ignored by old friends since your husband passed! I can't imagine heaping that hurt on top of the terrible grief you're already feeling. I'd have the memorial service and say the bare minimum to these "friends", leave when YOU are ready to leave, and that's it. Unless of course they all surround you with love and concern and tell you they were waiting till now to shower you with affection. Then you may feel differently, Idk.

What I do know is that we all feel awkward and at a loss for what to say when someone close to us dies. But we suck it up and say words of comfort anyway. And we get a meal train going, and flowers ordered, and take turns sitting with the widow(er). We've somehow devolved as a society into uncaring creatures who just "don't know what to say or do" so we back off and say or do nothing, as if that's okay. Even the strongest among us need friends at times like this. I know I did when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given 2 months to live in 2023. And my good friend and neighbor completely ignored me 100% and to this day, has not once picked up the phone or knocked on my door. She's no friend of mine, that's for sure, so I feel empathy for you Eva.

Wishing you the best of luck with the memorial service tomorrow. Your husband will be there supporting and loving you every step of the way, even if nobody else is.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
Evamar 21 hours ago
Lealonnie,
I remember when you wrote about your diagnosis and how sad it was so I know you completely understand.
And so true how we become more uncaring, devoid of any empathy, so self centred.
My late husband and I were helpful even to some who lost parent we did not know, at least we sent flowers or offered to take them out
Very good advice to say very little to them.
It is for him and him only so I just be present only for that!
(2)
Report
Although you do find out who your true friends are in tough times, sometimes people who haven't lost a close one to death have not a clue as to what to say or do when someone they know loses a loved one. Or maybe they thought you needed time to yourself to process your husbands death. Who knows?
Not that those are excuses, but death for some reason tends to make many very uncomfortable, which to me is kind of funny as we're all going to die one day. But it is what it is.
I wouldn't hold it against them, but would instead just hold your head high at your husbands memorial service and know that you're doing all this for him and his memory and not for any other reason.
And after words just talk to who you really want to talk to, and ignore those you don't want to.
You're going to be ok...this I know.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Evamar Jul 27, 2026
I will definitely hold my head high.
i do understand it is uncomfortable for some but never expected that!
(1)
Report
I’m sorry for your hurt in this. You’re not wrong for your feelings. People can be shockingly insensitive and inadvertently cruel. Many have no idea what to do or say so they just neglect to act at all. Get through the life celebration as well as you can. Guests should understand if you’re quiet or need to leave earlier than expected, and so what if they don’t ?! I very well remember desperately wanting my mother’s funeral to just be over. I wish you continued healing and peace
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
Evamar 19 hours ago
Thank you.
Exactly right.
(0)
Report
E, I agree with FG. Many people are not socially “ept” any more when it comes to grief. They don’t know how to react, and so they do nothing. My mother had a large social network, but many came to the service. BUT Many did not send cards or call right after. Some of the shift in society norms means that how people express condolences is shifting. And there is a selfish component I will agree. What if newly single friend needs something? Or they felt judged for behavior when he was ill, even if you didn’t. Etiquette has changed. Many feel that text or social media are appropriate venue for grief…and if like me you don’t post? Well they don’t reach out. It’s just a weird social space now. Do what brings you comfort and peace, extend grace to others, and remember the good times with your husband. Memories with us are the best way to process grief after all. Many thoughtful wishes from all of us here…whatever else you get. Hugs, Helen
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Guestshopadmin
Report
Evamar Jul 27, 2026
I agree and understand that shift. But so sad we are losing compassion and kindness due to social media.
I am just not feeling very grateful right now but know I do it for my late husband, it is not about me after all.
Yet, it hurts is some friends of 30-40 years cannot spare few minutes.
(2)
Report
For your lunch is there someone that you know well, you trust, that has been by your side this entire time? If so get them to be with you to divert people as needed, Give this person a "code word" when you need to be alone for a bit. They can either pull you aside or call you and you can excuse yourself to take an "emergency" call. People at bars have a "wingman" the same is needed in settings like this.
Trust me on this...most people will be talking to others laughing and enjoying a "free lunch" and will come talk to you only when they plan on leaving.

I think people are "afraid"
Afraid to bring up his name...Like it is going to hurt more.
Afraid that they don't know what to say..
They might say something that will hurt you, or make you feel sad. (Like you aren't already)

It is difficult when your world seems to have stopped and gone cold and everyone else's world still revolves, still has a sun that shines.

I make a point of talking about my Husband to family and friends. I share stories some funny, some not so. I will cook a meal he would have loved, would would have been his 83rd birthday is later this week and I plan on making one of his favorite meals. (His absolute favorite I save for winter cuz who wants to make Rouladen and Spätzle in the middle of summer!)

Be well, take care of the most important person in your life right now...YOU.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
Evamar Jul 27, 2026
I wish it was lunch.
it is memorial service at 4pm and full three course meal at 6pm, celebration of life as per my husband wishes. I am guessing many will want to stay late and drink. I have no desire to do so.
Maybe I just end it soon after dinner.
I will definitely need to pull myself together and zip it as I am known for rather strong opinions and not being afraid to express that.
I just have to remember it is for my husband not about me.
(2)
Report
Very respectfully, you're not in your right mind at the moment. You're in the very beginnings of a long grieving process and it's never the best idea to make decisions that can wait until later, and that includes ending long friendships.

You're disappointed and hurt and you have every right to be! But other posters are right that your friends are afraid to "bother" you right now. I wish at least a couple of them would have had the right instinct to comfort you but they didn't. My advice is to give them another chance by expressing, clearly, at your dear husband's memorial service what you need. Fingers crossed at least one person will hear you and show you the real friend they are, but just didn't know how to be.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Slartibartfast
Report
Evamar Jul 27, 2026
Good point however I know my mind is working just fine, I did arrange everything on my own no help whatsoever, checked and checked again every detail. I just know it is not worth continue such relationships.
TBH I have no desire to talk to anybody, I will stay quiet tomorrow.
This was my husband’s wish honouring that is important.
But hurt feelings are still there.
(3)
Report
This is a lot for you to process on your own. Do you have a therapist or a counselor you could talk to about your grief and anger?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rosered6
Report
Evamar 23 hours ago
I have therapist, even if I went today it is not going to be resolved.
I am not angry at all just disappointed and greeting them and thanking them for coming tomorrow seems unreal.
Again, I will do it because it is not about me.
(0)
Report
Eva, do you have a friend or family member to whom you could say, "I don't like these people. Can you help me get through the memorial service?"
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rosered6
Report

Hello Evamar.

How unfortunate that old friends aren’t coming through for you now, in your hour of pain. The shock of that hurts, and I am sorry. No excuses.

I am in an extraordinarily difficult period with my DH and expressed as much to a couple of “friends.” Their silence is deafening—and hurtful. Yes, you find out who your true friends are in moments like these.

Let it go, let it all go. Be free and sing with your dear husband’s spirit. You are very much not alone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to KipIma
Report
Evamar 15 hours ago
Kiplma,
Thank you let it go is great advice, feeling free and feeling his spirit near me will keep my stoical tomorrow.
if I just concentrate on being with him then I don’t need anybody.
And I am sorry as you are going thru difficult time but grateful you help others.
(0)
Report
Evamar, are the people attending the memorial service your husband's friends, your friends, friends of you as a couple, coworkers, or some combination? I think I would expect less from people who were friends or colleagues of the deceased person and not of me, and I'd also find it easier to decide that I didn't owe them anything after the memorial service in the form of a continuing relationship. It would be harder for people who are my friends: I'd expect more from them and feel great disappointment about their not showing up but also be saddened at the prospect of not having a relationship with them going forward. (I'm actually going through this with one of my siblings; we've been supporting each other since our mom died last week, but only a few days before our mom's death, the sibling said some things to me that caused me to think I could not forgive her. I still haven't decided what to do vis-a-vis the relationship. I'm giving it some time.)
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rosered6
Report
Evamar 15 hours ago
Rose,
They are mostly friends of ours, my husband retired some time ago, some clients remained friends, but mostly my and his friends. I guess I am becoming persona non grata in some sense. I did not expect that as some were friends for life or I was wrong about it.
Wise words from you giving siblings some time, it is all maybe too emotional at the moment.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter