
How strange it feels right now, almost 2 weeks ago since my husband passed away and it seems everybody just simply abandoned me.Not one person came to my door with comforting words, a hug, I really did not expected much like bringing meals or sending me cards or flowers, sometimes simply showing up would be enough.Truly you find out who your friend are in time of need for some kindness.But I have to do it for my husband and tomorrow is his memorial service and I have to face those people whom I don’t wish to see again, not to mention I organized celebration of life at the very good restaurant and cannot imagine sitting for hours with them. Any suggestions?
What I do know is that we all feel awkward and at a loss for what to say when someone close to us dies. But we suck it up and say words of comfort anyway. And we get a meal train going, and flowers ordered, and take turns sitting with the widow(er). We've somehow devolved as a society into uncaring creatures who just "don't know what to say or do" so we back off and say or do nothing, as if that's okay. Even the strongest among us need friends at times like this. I know I did when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given 2 months to live in 2023. And my good friend and neighbor completely ignored me 100% and to this day, has not once picked up the phone or knocked on my door. She's no friend of mine, that's for sure, so I feel empathy for you Eva.
Wishing you the best of luck with the memorial service tomorrow. Your husband will be there supporting and loving you every step of the way, even if nobody else is.
I remember when you wrote about your diagnosis and how sad it was so I know you completely understand.
And so true how we become more uncaring, devoid of any empathy, so self centred.
My late husband and I were helpful even to some who lost parent we did not know, at least we sent flowers or offered to take them out
Very good advice to say very little to them.
It is for him and him only so I just be present only for that!
Not that those are excuses, but death for some reason tends to make many very uncomfortable, which to me is kind of funny as we're all going to die one day. But it is what it is.
I wouldn't hold it against them, but would instead just hold your head high at your husbands memorial service and know that you're doing all this for him and his memory and not for any other reason.
And after words just talk to who you really want to talk to, and ignore those you don't want to.
You're going to be ok...this I know.
i do understand it is uncomfortable for some but never expected that!
Exactly right.
I am just not feeling very grateful right now but know I do it for my late husband, it is not about me after all.
Yet, it hurts is some friends of 30-40 years cannot spare few minutes.
Trust me on this...most people will be talking to others laughing and enjoying a "free lunch" and will come talk to you only when they plan on leaving.
I think people are "afraid"
Afraid to bring up his name...Like it is going to hurt more.
Afraid that they don't know what to say..
They might say something that will hurt you, or make you feel sad. (Like you aren't already)
It is difficult when your world seems to have stopped and gone cold and everyone else's world still revolves, still has a sun that shines.
I make a point of talking about my Husband to family and friends. I share stories some funny, some not so. I will cook a meal he would have loved, would would have been his 83rd birthday is later this week and I plan on making one of his favorite meals. (His absolute favorite I save for winter cuz who wants to make Rouladen and Spätzle in the middle of summer!)
Be well, take care of the most important person in your life right now...YOU.
it is memorial service at 4pm and full three course meal at 6pm, celebration of life as per my husband wishes. I am guessing many will want to stay late and drink. I have no desire to do so.
Maybe I just end it soon after dinner.
I will definitely need to pull myself together and zip it as I am known for rather strong opinions and not being afraid to express that.
I just have to remember it is for my husband not about me.
You're disappointed and hurt and you have every right to be! But other posters are right that your friends are afraid to "bother" you right now. I wish at least a couple of them would have had the right instinct to comfort you but they didn't. My advice is to give them another chance by expressing, clearly, at your dear husband's memorial service what you need. Fingers crossed at least one person will hear you and show you the real friend they are, but just didn't know how to be.
TBH I have no desire to talk to anybody, I will stay quiet tomorrow.
This was my husband’s wish honouring that is important.
But hurt feelings are still there.
I am not angry at all just disappointed and greeting them and thanking them for coming tomorrow seems unreal.
Again, I will do it because it is not about me.
How unfortunate that old friends aren’t coming through for you now, in your hour of pain. The shock of that hurts, and I am sorry. No excuses.
I am in an extraordinarily difficult period with my DH and expressed as much to a couple of “friends.” Their silence is deafening—and hurtful. Yes, you find out who your true friends are in moments like these.
Let it go, let it all go. Be free and sing with your dear husband’s spirit. You are very much not alone.
Thank you let it go is great advice, feeling free and feeling his spirit near me will keep my stoical tomorrow.
if I just concentrate on being with him then I don’t need anybody.
And I am sorry as you are going thru difficult time but grateful you help others.
They are mostly friends of ours, my husband retired some time ago, some clients remained friends, but mostly my and his friends. I guess I am becoming persona non grata in some sense. I did not expect that as some were friends for life or I was wrong about it.
Wise words from you giving siblings some time, it is all maybe too emotional at the moment.