How to deal with sibling conflict when it comes to making decisions?

I don't think we know all the facts here yet so we cannot make premature judgements. Obviously she's concerned otherwise she wouldn't have posted this question. She did say, "He does not have a job so he is available to take her to appointments and be home with her MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE". I think we need more information here. Maybe she (daughter) is able to help some. Maybe it appears that he's taking advantage of using her car, not paying her bills on time, charging items on her debit card when otherwise shouldn't, etc. We just don't know. @Johnsonsm --can you please give us more details? Just because someone is "taking care" of their mother does not necessarily mean they are doing so in a loving, caring, and respectful manner.

I don't think we know all the facts here yet so we cannot make premature judgements. Obviously she's concerned otherwise she wouldn't have posted this question. She did say, "He does not have a job so he is available to take her to appointments and be home with her MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE". I think we need more information here. Maybe she (daughter) is able to help some. Maybe it appears that he's taking advantage of using her car, not paying her bills on time, charging items on her debit card when otherwise shouldn't, etc. We just don't know. @Johnsonsm --can you please give us more details? Just because someone is "taking care" of their mother does not necessarily mean they are doing so in a loving, caring, and respectful manner.

Probably need to look at this as an outsider with no vested interest. You say mom would not want him involved in her care....yet....he is. Why is that? Maybe when she needed the care and he showed up, her opinion changed. I mean, what would have happened to her had he not been there? Move her to facility?? Maybe him being there is better than what the alternative would have been?

Brother is there 24/7 when no one else is, right? Is the amount he is using on debit card more or less than what a 24/7 caregiver would cost you? Is he using more than comes in each month? Can she afford to let him spend on himself while he is the designated 24/7 caregiver? Is there any chance she will run out of money and need Medicaid to go to a NH later on? Driving the car is the least of any concern.

Whether or not you like him/hate him/angry with him - he's there all the time. He probably IS tired. Anyone would be. Anyway you or other sibs could offer him a little respite on a regular basis. Perhaps from his perspective, he's hanging out to dry all alone while others are now nitpicking what they view as a freebie for him. What if he did have a job??? Who would be there to fill in while he worked?

Does he abuse her? Is he kind to her? Is she neglected? Things to consider.

Regardless, it appears to be time to rethink the dynamics of this situation. Did your brother move there because he needed a place to live due to being unemployed? Or, was he nominated because he seemed to have less of a life? Was it supposed to be a short term situation? I'm sure there are more details that led you/siblings to make this decision. Either way, it does not seem to be working for him, you or your mom. Would paying him make him less exhausted or a better care giver? I would guess not. If you decided to pay him you should also hold him responsible for part of the carrying costs of the home. It's time to reevaluate your mom's care. You might consider contacting your mom's State/City's Commission on Aging. They will be able to direct you to local sources.

johnsonsm: Imho, speak with the social worker at her town's COA to amend this dynamic.

Juse ask your mom if she would rather live at home with her son the way things are or go live in a Senior Home.
Keep in mind, unless he is abusing your mom, she would be happier being able to stay in her own home.

I was interested to see what the responses would be to this one. A lot of us on here are the siblings that have been 'bestowed' the responsibility.
I must say I bristled when I read you thought he would enjoy cooking for her and that he throws a huge pity party over how it is taking a toll on him. I am guessing his pity parties do not result in anyone stepping in to help so he can have a break?
As the sibling who is supposed to be enjoying this, I can tell you it is not easy or enjoyable and it does take a toll. If he has no job and is unable to get a job since he has a 25 hour a day unpaid job, then why is there an issue in him using the car? where does he get money from? Is there a reason it is entirely his responsibility to give the care? and for free??
The best way to help your mum is to step in and help her and help your brother too.
You could also just pay him for his time. A PSW here makes about $20 (more for overnight but for argument's sake we'll just add up the daytime ) so $320 a day x 7. .. $2240 a week (oh and side note : PSW's are horrendously underpaid for what they do)

I suggest you call your Area Agency on Aging to find out what resources might be available to your mother. It sounds like your brother is not the sort of person who seeks out resources, and you could present them as a help to him. My local agency has financial management assistance. It also sounds like your mother might enjoy participating in an adult daycare program to be less isolated.

You gave him the care responsability....back off and let him do it ! When you talk to her...evaluate her functioning. He is doing what he thinks right. This responsability has many details. Unless she is in danger.....Caregivers are like gold and the alternatives are evidently not available in the family.

Even if your brother is not working, he can't be a 24/7 caregiver without any pay or any time off.  Just because someone likes to cook doesn't mean that they want to shop, cook and clean up after 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, etc...  Caregiving is exhausting.  What is your role in your mother's care?  If you were to remove your brother from the situation and pay an agency to come in, you would see what your mom has been getting for free. 

Your brother needs supplemental care to come in to give him a break at certain hours of the day or at least a couple of days per week so that he can have some resemblance of a life.

If this is a dangerous situation, you will need to find another living arrangement for your mother - like NOW. Whether she comes to your home with paid caregivers or is moved into a residential facility, please take action as quickly as possible.

Tell your brother that her health has declined and she needs professional care. If the home is "hers", let him know you will be selling it as well as her car to meet her financial needs. Also report her debit card/credit card/checkbook for theft (through his usage). Have them send new cards to you. Explain to your brother that her accounts have been hacked and that you are fixing that - so mom's debit card/credit cards and checkbook will not work anymore. Suggest that your brother start applying and interviewing for employment as well as finding a new place to live before mom's place sells - which could be as soon as 1 week after posting it for sale.

It's hard to give advice without knowing more of the situation and your Mom's condition and limitations. One way to help is to tell your brother you want to take a bigger role in her care, which will also help bring him some respite. Offer to take care of your Mom for a weekend each month, whether it's in your own place or your Mom's. If you can't do a whole weekend, do an entire 8 hour day. This would be a start to get a clearer picture of what's going on and how your mother really feels. I feel it's essential to her well being that she gets weekly female "peer" company. Keep in mind that it may be uncomfortable for your Mom to require help from any male - especially if she needs help with toileting, washing, dressing. I know both my mom and my brothers shied away from anything to do with personal hygiene when it came to care taking. Is it at all possible to hire a local caretaker for 3-4 hours out of the day or week? This would give your brother the opportunity to do what he wants or needs to do - and give your Mom some female company. I truly hope these suggestions and others posted help bring you some resolution.

Pay the man! He needs time off. A paid vacation to start with. After his vacation, he needs 2 days of off per week. I know i didnt like working 24/7 365....
Caregiving is a thankless job and it is taking advantage of him not to be paid. He has no quality of life, no time to relax, causing his own stress levels to rise... and now siblings are and accusing and complaining. With the added stress of siblings complaints... all i can say if you think you can do it better then hupto.... I've been in your brothers position. Nothing is ever good enough for the siblings that refuse to step in with her daily care. Banking etc is easy.... it only takes a few moments in time. speaking of depression, your brother has it! I don't know the man, but i know the job and stress that comes with it.
The freebie of your mom's care needs to stop, and you all need to step in or hire HIM some help.

Since she is also your mom, what do you contribute? Do you contribute anything to cover some of his basic needs such as car upkeep, or at least a gas and personal stipend?
I have a friend who did caregiving for her mom for a while and her two siblings who didn’t assist with that provided their part w a stipend to her every month for her gas and car needs, ( as a caregiver much of the time you use your car it’s for the seniors needs) just wondering since you didn’t mention anything on your end sounds like perhaps there isn’t anything or you would have mentioned it, what if anything do you contribute/ chip in? It sounds like he’s full time which many siblings choose and want to compensate their sibling for — ( if he left you’d be looking at least 2,000 on the low end a week for live in 24/7 care)

We are caregiving for both my parents . I have 2 other siblings and 1 who does not work and cares for my mom the most . I work less my other sibling so I help my sister care for my parents . We have just assumed wrongly because she wasn’t working , she could make herself available all the time . Caregiving like this leads to burnout , guaranteed . It’s not an easy job , especially if your brothers relationship started out strained to start . Why did he take on this role to begin with ? Is your mom paying for his accommodations? Was he pressured into it or he volunteered? If this is a matter of your mom is covering something for him and he is doing this in exchange for your mom , then this is really a job for him . It should be approached this way to a certain degree. No one , even part time would be expected to work 7 days a week . That leads to burnout as well . We all need 1 day to detach to refresh to be better at our jobs , including caregiving . If your brother is doing this simply from the kindness of his heart or because it’s he felt he wanted to simply
help his mom , maybe burnout is underway. Do you live within a couple hours of your mom ? Can you take her once a week for dinner ? Or have her for an overnight once a week on weekends ?
I realize that it may come with some disruption for you ( that’s part of what makes caregiving tough) and extreme efforts but she is your mom too and the weight of her care needs to be shared in some capacity amongst all of you . Can you drop off a meal once a week? This is where I would start . If your not , figure out how you can help him get a break regularly at least once Week.
If the situation is extreme and your mom’s well fare is in jeopardy that’s different , take her to a safer environment with yourself.
You need to differentiate between is this burnout versus a neglectful attitude ? And don’t just assume .
If your going to sit with him to talk about it , maybe approach it from trying to figure out what your moms current needs are and who is going to do what . Yes , that means all of you involved in some capacity to make her life happen . once you have established all of her needs such as bathing, meals, banking , car maintenance schedule , errand running , shopping, scheduled companionship ship , dr’s appointments to make a few , figure out who is doing what . If this is a job for your brother , set a pay rate per hour and how much it would take to pay for his half of the rent . Or not so formally, what he considereds reasonable task for trade of accommodations. It’s a starting ground snd then you know where the gaps are . We are looking into this and where I am , private help is going for 25 per hour and through a company 35-39 per hour To give you an idea .
Companionship for your mom is something that needs to be addressed and accommodated for . If you had to look outside of your brother for this and you probably do , you may have to pay .
Perhaps the sibling geographically furthest can take on tasks that can be done virtually such as banking if they can’t physically help due to distance . Debit cards can be changed so that they don’t access savings accounts so mis pending can be limited and monthly budgets can be set . Talk to your mom about setting up something like this is protect her finances .
good luck ! It takes a village , never a single person .

I’m not sure if this is a fairly new situation or if it has been going on for some time. At 63 your mom is young for needing this much care so I am guessing the stroke left her with a lot of challenges. Is she still receiving PT, OT and or speech therapy, is there an expectation she will continue to improve making this a more temporary need?

Your profile mentions depression which makes me wonder if this existed before the stroke as well. Either way stroke, heart surgery amongst other medical conditions can easily cause depression and that should be monitored by her doctor. I point this out because you mention isolation as a concern and that may not be initiated by your brother even though it may very well be made easy. In fact it sounds like they may both be in places that often foster isolation and simply feeding off each other which is understandable but probably not healthy for either one. That said I’m not sure if you mean that your brother is isolating your mom from her family or if you mean from the outside world, friends and extended family that want to come by and she would normally welcome the interaction with. They are two diffrent things in my mind and maybe something to consult with the doctor about as part of her recovery concerns.

If one of you has POA and has already been put in a position of trust and authority by your mother that person is going to have to be a big part of the solution here and I hope that person is now very involved. If that person is the brother now living with her…well she placed him in that position of responsibility and your concerns may be harder to get met. If no one has POA or you feel it was somehow coerced, really even if the live in brother has it, Daughterof1930 is right you or you need to have a discussion with Mom, without your brother around, about what her wishes and desires are. I wouldn’t start with your concerns or by bashing your brother, after all he is doing a lot and providing something the rest of you were not able to but giving her multiple openings to express any changes she might want or how it’s really going here with brother, is it nice to have this time to reestablish a relationship… If the idea of establishing these legal authorities feels overwhelming to her and she’s resistant you could tell her that the hospital requested it while she was there and both the staff and her doctor are really pushing to have these things in place just in case, everyone should and as you have learned it makes things much harder when they aren’t. You don’t want decisions taken out of her families hands and therefore her hands. Also there can be more than one design maker, there can be a step down approach and there can be different people for healthcare and finances it doesn’t have to be one cookie cutter way. Then when you know her wishes it’s probably time to have the discussion with all of the players together, not to gang up on brother but to take care of setting up moms wishes. It also could be to take some of the burden off brother, he is doing the lions share of the work, wether it’s because it works out for him now or not and he shouldn’t have to be taking care of all the bills, ordering medication, yard work whatever could be done by others at least some of the time and should be. At 63 the finances become even more important if she won’t be getting back to work and managing them herself because her life expediency is probably longer than my mother at 80 for instance, meaning the money is going to have to last longer and or she will likely need Medicaid and that means being very careful about how appropriately she spends her money.

Your brother has left you the perfect in for all of this by throwing his “pity party” which may be warranted even though he should be looking to his future not just Mom’s. Remember taking these steps means actually contributing to the work, put up or shut up. It does sound like you are more than willing and love your mom very much. Good luck

It is indeed difficult taking care of a parent while the other sibling does nothing but is all of a sudden involved and has a lot to say. And it’s not easy to talk to the other sibling as they are not as committed.

it sounds like you are grateful for some of your brother’s help. Caring for an elderly person can indeed be very difficult.

Paying a caregiver hourly can also be very expensive.

if this relationship is stressful for your mom, why did someone arrange for him to move in? If he is financially irresponsible, why was he given access to the debit card?

These problems are easier to avoid than resolve.

I have a tough answer to this: IF you’re not participating in the caregiving, be careful before you criticize him or the care he’s giving. No one person should have to do this alone without help, and he has a wrong to bitch about. Now right the wrongs together! All siblings should participate in some way.
I’ve been in his shoes and it is no picnic. IF you see something that could truly harm Mom, step in. And get some assistance for you both!

Who has POA for mom in making healthcare and financial decisions in her best interests? If this isn’t in place it should be done pronto. Assuming mom is of sound mind as your profile doesn’t indicate any dementia, talk with mom away from brother and find out her wishes for her living situation. Ask if she’s comfortable with brother driving her car and using her debit card. Find out her thoughts on where this is going and what changes she sees needing to happen. The real issue isn’t your brother, it’s what mom wants to do about him, the power is with her

Some people do not handle finances well and should not have the responsibility, if you know your brother is like this then someone else from your family is going to have to step up and take care of your mom's money. If you don't she won't have any left and could lose her home and then they'll be living with you. Caring for a sick parent is not easy and can be a very isolating experience. If you aren't involved with daily care you don't know what your brother experiences. Even a much loved activity like cooking can become a chore. If you think your mom is in physical danger from your brother the rest of you better come up with a plan. Until you get these issues solved ALL of you are going to have to sacrifice some time out of your personal lives to help your with your mom's needs.

Your profile says your mom is 63. Is that correct? That's very young to need a caregiver, so if that's the case, I assume her stroke was pretty catastrophic.

How is it your brother - with whom you say your mother has a "strained relationship" - become her primary caregiver? Was this because he still lived with her; because he had no employment; other reasons; some combination thereof?

How much care does your mom need? If she needs 24/7 care, I'm not really sure how you expect your brother to get a job WHILE he remains her primary caregiver... is there a care agreement set up between him and mom? Is he being compensated for her care beyond room and board?

If the rest of the siblings feel this is a dangerous situation for mom, then you're going to have to make some tough choices if mom can't live alone anymore - either hire full time care, have her placed in an appropriate facility, or one (or more) of you other family members are going to have to step in to take over her care.

But, it could be your brother is suffering from caregiver burn out, because maybe mom's care needs are just beyond what he is able and willing to do. Has he expressed any need for help or support from you and your other family members?