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How do we describe to non caregiving family members what it's like giving up one's life, friends, dreams for Mom/dad...my life compare it to a 1week vacation over 20 yrs?
Give up. Tried that last night. All I got was, "but I am so busy"! They have no idea. Can't you get help? State sponsored respite care programs are there for you. Call your hospital and ask for Senior Services. They can be a big help.. Ask the DR. to help you get in contact with services. Don't do this alone.
Been there done that too-after 6 years asked brother for help-his answer was to take over the financials-nothing hands on-which now after their death - I have nothing of theirs-he has it all - yes I got my share of the money-very little-but everything else from the house to the furniture to the knick knacks that were mine he has/I have 1/2 ownership of the house but his daughter lives there/I have the memories and knowledge I did all I could but he has everything else-
One sister (of three) sisters I actually was able to guilt into crossing the line to be of a helpful nature. Occasionally an afternoon or evening she'll momsit, perhaps a few days in the future she'll come down. She'll clean the counters, wash the floor and really reach out to Mom. Her emails are full of real concern.
The other two, when I challenged them to pay back the money they stole and stop the passive aggressive bullshit behavior (being 3 hours late constantly, but showing up with mylar balloon that sings opera when you bump it and a 2' high greeting card)...they got back at me by going to the public guardian (who was there only because of their thefts!) to have me removed.
The showdown meeting with the PG was ludicrous, but somewhat gratifying. It went from "they have the right to visit and call their mother." yes they do but they don't. Susan's calls every four months last about 30 seconds. "Well, she has the right to call her mother...and just say HI." What it came down to is that sons and daughters have the legal RIGHT to be deadbeats and the dutiful caregiver has the RIGHT to GIFT their services to the parent.
For me it was a good meeting, cause the PG got to see them in action, hear a lot of stories about them, and she put them both on a short leash. I don't have to be the only one outraged by their behavior. And I have the right to get mad about their behavior about how they treat ME and not get mad for how they treat their mother. It was actually liberating. It didn't get me anything, but it took a load off my shoulders.
Hi, unfortunately there is no way. If they knew they would help whether monetary by letting you hire some help so you could get a break or calling their parent, or sending money for food or something useful. Listening to you when you need a ear and a sholder, my experience is and I was told by one sibling you brought them there you deal with it. I will send you money from time to time (that was four years ago but nothing as of yet) had to call them to tell them if they wanted to see their father one more time before he died now was the time they came he died three weeks later. no help with burial, I paid for their flowers, now I take care of my mother it will be a lot different this time they have the number haven't heard from my brother since we buried my father May was 2 years They will be told when she is in hospital and thats that. what they do is their decision. So you see unless they are really concerned about their parent they won't do anything that disrupts their life. So honey save your breathe, no its not fair but thats okay you can have a clear conscience, can they? Now I can't even talk to my sister about anything so I haven't for the last 3 weeks sure she is wondering why I am so quiet when she does email me something stupid and asks whats new I usually say nothing new here. Have a nice day!
You could enroll them in this newletter but they would only participate if they were interested. Most are only interested in what will be theirs when the parent passes. Sorry but that is the way it is for most of us. I hope it is different for some of you. Have a good one
Bless your heart. Its like so many people have already responded: you are in a sense all alone. Everybody has advice but they don't want to jump in and help you. Unfortunately, caregivers like yourself, are suffering from long-term stress. And that puts you in a much higher risk for many illnesses, even potentially passing before the person you are caring for! Forget understanding...get help.
Dear Mege, I'm afraid there is no way for you to describe your life and the limits in happy freedom with places to go and things to do with friends, to the non caregivers around you. If they cared, they would already know by asking and helping. I learned long ago that compassion is something only a few of us are born with. Early on, I thought we were the lucky ones to have the good and loving hearts while the others just watched from a distance and often didn't watch at all, just being wrapped up in their own lives. It won't change no matter how much you want to cry for help from them. They are, who they are, and nothing will change them. You must find the help you need from all medical sources for daily care and respit care to keep yourself in a possitive and confident mode for your parents and yourself. You CAN do it! Many of us have. You can too, if even just a little. Good luck. Sooz
My brother is clueless. My mother is the cause. I have a daughter, but my question is "Do woman raise their sons differently from daughters?" My mom did and she is reaping the negative benefits!!!!! Do they program them this way or is it just the way they are? I know very few men who have close family ties once they get married. It is almost as if they divorce their parents!!!! I am very perplexed. Linda
Hello dear, It is really sad when children do not recognise or acknowledge the love, affection and caring that their parents gave them. However, that is how life sometimes is. You have sacrificed a lot and believe me, you will reap that reward of caring for your parents. Just try to work out some time for yourself, perhaps after they fall asleep and read a good book or just catch up with your emails or the internet. Take heart that you are the lucky one, for having a caring and loving nature. Believe me, you will see the blessings someday. Do not bother with your siblings, they have a conscience of their own and if they cannot find it in their heart to do right by their parents, hey, they have to deal with it. You should be proud of yourself, I sure am. Congratulations on being a good person, especially, nowadays when everyone is so self-centred. Take care and God bless you.
Just when I think that I can let go of the fact that my sisters just don't give a damn, bitterness steps back in !! I will never understand how they can just ignore the situation. They don't visit Mom-one does e-mail me to ask how she is-the idiot lives 15 miles from the NH. Where's the hope that things will get better?
Nance, You can't change them. They are clueless and insensitive. I know how hard it is since I am still struggling with my idiot brother, but let it go. Send them a bill for your care and tell them that you will deduct it at the end. That may wake them up!!!!
Nance For situations that we cannot control, it is better not to stress ourselves over it. I know it can be very difficult, especially when they are family, howeve, sometimes, it happens and when that happens, we have to remember, why we are doing, what we are doing and what it means to the person, who is receiving our care and let that comfort you and do not let the bitterness cover that. Your siblings will have to deal with their own behaviour, in their own time. You just take comfort in the FACT that you are a good and caring daughter. Take care and congratulations for being a filial child.
I would not answer any e-mails or give any information. That helps them to stay away. Everyone is responsible for themselves and if they want to know, they should visit and see!
I agree with aew2004 - you are doing what is right for you and you are better off for it.
I also agree with lovingdaughter - send bills regularly. It might make a difference. It is beside the point but it might help you feel more in control.
We have to do what we have to do and good for those who are giving care! Hopefully, we can find ways to just see the good about this and not allow others to take the good feeling away.
Elizza is right. Don't include them in the loop. Tell them nothing. Send no emails or phone calls. Sooner or later they will get the message. I tell my brother nothing. I was so angry at him for refusing to help when my husband was in the hospital, I stopped calling. They picked up the phone and called, but I would not call them. I was so much better for not having to deal with them. I still don't call unless I have to. Works great. Out of sight, out of mind works both ways!!!!!
I agree don't tell them anything. If they want to know they have your phone number, email and if all else fails your address, mine are NOT interested so I no longer say anything. When my sister thinks she's helping by sending me some sort of stupid information I just delete it If she persists which she doesn't I tell her it did not pertain to my situation. Its still a little hard not wanting to include her an have her as a little moral support but she never was there so I don't know what I miss LOL Just that she didn't want to hear about it she has enough to deal with LOL ROFL so now when she emails I stick to the point and sometimes they are just one word answers the rest of the time it is delete. It is getting better. Just takes time and practice I never needed anyone before don't know why I think I need someone now just that it would be nice but nice is not part of our family. Do what is right and it will all work out and you will be proud of you and the resr well they either will be indifferent or envious but that is up to them.
My A-hole bunch isn't interested either--I just get bitter about the situation. Guess I have to grin and bare it-I'm sure they will get their just reward. I'm finding out that ya can't change them, I just wanted them to care.
I did to when I first started this adventure but they don't and it's because of the way they were treated as kids. I was to but I have a compassionate heart enough for all of them I guess because I had to take care of them when they were little i am only 4 years older than my sister and 8 years older than my brother but they forgot they don't even remember the bad stands out too much for them I guess and I'm not covering for them either because my childhood and teenage years were hell the first time I tried to commit suicide was 13 and I tried three more times. It has screwed up relationships I carried a lot of baggae for years but I grew myself and am over it for the most part I said if this finger ever gets healed the name of my book will be growing up with a narcissistic mother with a splash of alcohol. I still plan to do that, If I don't sell one copy it will be theraputic for me.
Nance. Do you have POA, finances and health? If not, get it and protect yourself!! Trust me, when my MIL died, my SIL had done all the work, but her older brother kept on bothering her for the money. Even when the funeral home charge us too much and refunded some, he called her for that. Take care of yourself!!
some times its the partners of our siblings that can be the problem, they can hold them back by just a word. mind you i am not making excuses for them, for i have fought the demon of resentment many many times, and i have learn the lesson out of sight out of mind does work both ways, but i can't but think they have a big part in the sibling finding time to visit, now i am a man and when i start going out with same one new, at first it's how nice that i look after my folks but things change, and it's like they get jealous and they start trying to put a wedge in between us, i see it and i refuse to throw my folks aside for anyone it's a hard life, but i am willing to fight for them, because that the right thing to do
Very good for you fernando I am lucky my husband and I both helped our parents many times on my side when they were just lazy but I couldn't see them put out on the street. There were times it put strain on our marriage but we over came it we helped all of our parents during the transition to death and now I am on parent number 4 I do hope hubby and I have some time for our selves before its our turn but you have to stick to your guns and there are so many selfish people in the world, but.. look around you there is us to. God bless you
How my family can be so cruel, i go to the cementary every two wkes to take my parents flowers and sit and talk to them everytime i go they disappear and i can't figure out why last week i order a plaque to put on their resting place its called the BROKING CHAIN i know some you have heard it.. i went yesterday and it was gone i couldn't take it no more i went to the office that sats at the cementary and i ask then had they had any vandalisum here lately and they said no.. he ask me who was visiting and i told him my parents and i gave him the name he said several people had came and it usually after i come and he said he has seen someone there i ask him did any one of them look like me in somewhat and he said yes i called the police there is 11 of us and i gave them all there names and addresses.. to see which one had did it of course my family memebers are liars but i told them each and everyone of them if they touch anything i put out there i will press charges my brother spoke up and said you do not deserve to put anything on there..well he told on hisself i told him if he do it again i won't need the police anymore...why family members half to be so cruel...its all guilt
msdiva, How awful yes its guilt and jealousy. I am so sorry you have to now deal with this. It never seems to stop in some form or fashion. I hope your brother takes heed.
My h usband and I take care of his grandma and been living with her in her home for over 2yrs now. He has a sister but she never offers to come over and give us a break. Instead we have to pay some to come in and give us a much needed break. My husband and I are both durabable poa's and take care of everything. My sil never comes over and when she does it's only cause they want something mind you she only lives 9 miles away before that she only lived less than a mile. Grandma tells us everyday thank-you for what we are doing for her. It does make me mad at the sil but she the type of person out sight out of mind. Sil expects us to take grandma over to her house. Grandma just turned 86 so she's no spring chicken. We don't call the sil unless we want her to know something or to see if they are coming over for the holidays. Sil called about a month and told grandma that she'd come over to pick her up and never showed up. This really ticks me off and to make it worse grandma remembers that. Well, grandma is still waiting and grandma was looking forward to it.
I feel bad for the parent who wonders why their son/daughter doesn't come by to visit or call more often, especially knowing that they are retired & certainly have the time, if they'd stay around. I'm the main caregiver, although Mother (91) is still in her own home with private-pay help and Hospice. This is where she wants to be. And I'm the one she always asks where's your brother? Have you heard from him? Why doesn't he come to see me? I make excuses for him so as not to upset her, but it irks me that he has basicly "disappeared" from her life other than a holiday/birthday card. He was her "first-born", as she puts it.
I have been taking care of my mom for 11 yrs. She had 2 strokes and has had alot of other illnesses as well. I live next door to her and I live with her. My husband and I haven't been together for a long time and it is putting a stress on us both. He is not well himself. He has a illness which causes him to get blood clots. I have 3 brothers that and 1 sister. I'm the youngest and all they say to me is you are an angel sent from heaven, we wouldnt know what to do without you. I am depressed and angry and my daughter had a baby 8 months ago and I can't even spend time with my first grandchild. Mom is depending on me all of the time. We argue alot and thats not healthy. My family doesn't think...They can go on vacations and have a lot of fun while I sit at home and take care of Mom. Sure I have help from DSS and some from Respise, but for me they don't stay long enough. I can't even get my house cleaned. I have decided that if goes into the Hospital I will not call them. They do not come to visit her at all. What wrong with siblings today? I can't enjoy my life and it isn't fair.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Give up. Tried that last night. All I got was, "but I am so busy"! They have no idea. Can't you get help? State sponsored respite care programs are there for you. Call your hospital and ask for Senior Services. They can be a big help.. Ask the DR. to help you get in contact with services. Don't do this alone.
The other two, when I challenged them to pay back the money they stole and stop the passive aggressive bullshit behavior (being 3 hours late constantly, but showing up with mylar balloon that sings opera when you bump it and a 2' high greeting card)...they got back at me by going to the public guardian (who was there only because of their thefts!) to have me removed.
The showdown meeting with the PG was ludicrous, but somewhat gratifying. It went from "they have the right to visit and call their mother." yes they do but they don't. Susan's calls every four months last about 30 seconds. "Well, she has the right to call her mother...and just say HI." What it came down to is that sons and daughters have the legal RIGHT to be deadbeats and the dutiful caregiver has the RIGHT to GIFT their services to the parent.
For me it was a good meeting, cause the PG got to see them in action, hear a lot of stories about them, and she put them both on a short leash. I don't have to be the only one outraged by their behavior. And I have the right to get mad about their behavior about how they treat ME and not get mad for how they treat their mother. It was actually liberating. It didn't get me anything, but it took a load off my shoulders.
You could enroll them in this newletter but they would only participate if they were interested. Most are only interested in what will be theirs when the parent passes. Sorry but that is the way it is for most of us. I hope it is different for some of you. Have a good one
yours, Donahue Vanderhider, MSG
Gerontologist
Linda
It is really sad when children do not recognise or acknowledge the love, affection and caring that their parents gave them. However, that is how life sometimes is. You have sacrificed a lot and believe me, you will reap that reward of caring for your parents. Just try to work out some time for yourself, perhaps after they fall asleep and read a good book or just catch up with your emails or the internet. Take heart that you are the lucky one, for having a caring and loving nature. Believe me, you will see the blessings someday. Do not bother with your siblings, they have a conscience of their own and if they cannot find it in their heart to do right by their parents, hey, they have to deal with it. You should be proud of yourself, I sure am. Congratulations on being a good person, especially, nowadays when everyone is so self-centred.
Take care and God bless you.
Thanks, I needed that and I am sure did meg,sooz ,neon and all the rest of us on the front line.
I will never understand how they can just ignore the situation.
They don't visit Mom-one does e-mail me to ask how she is-the idiot lives 15 miles from the NH.
Where's the hope that things will get better?
You can't change them. They are clueless and insensitive. I know how hard it is since I am still struggling with my idiot brother, but let it go. Send them a bill for your care and tell them that you will deduct it at the end. That may wake them up!!!!
I just want them to love her like I do, she would never treat them the way they do her.
For situations that we cannot control, it is better not to stress ourselves over it. I know it can be very difficult, especially when they are family, howeve, sometimes, it happens and when that happens, we have to remember, why we are doing, what we are doing and what it means to the person, who is receiving our care and let that comfort you and do not let the bitterness cover that. Your siblings will have to deal with their own behaviour, in their own time. You just take comfort in the FACT that you are a good and caring daughter.
Take care and congratulations for being a filial child.
I agree with aew2004 - you are doing what is right for you and you are better off for it.
I also agree with lovingdaughter - send bills regularly. It might make a difference. It is beside the point but it might help you feel more in control.
We have to do what we have to do and good for those who are giving care! Hopefully, we can find ways to just see the good about this and not allow others to take the good feeling away.
Guess I have to grin and bare it-I'm sure they will get their just reward.
I'm finding out that ya can't change them, I just wanted them to care.
I do have POA.
It does make me mad at the sil but she the type of person out sight out of mind. Sil expects us to take grandma over to her house. Grandma just turned 86 so she's no spring chicken. We don't call the sil unless we want her to know something or to see if they are coming over for the holidays.
Sil called about a month and told grandma that she'd come over to pick her up and never showed up. This really ticks me off and to make it worse grandma remembers that. Well, grandma is still waiting and grandma was looking forward to it.
I am depressed and angry and my daughter had a baby 8 months ago and I can't even spend time with my first grandchild. Mom is depending on me all of the time. We argue alot and thats not healthy. My family doesn't think...They can go on vacations and have a lot of fun while I sit at home and take care of Mom. Sure I have help from DSS and some from Respise, but for me they don't stay long enough. I can't even get my house cleaned.
I have decided that if goes into the Hospital I will not call them. They do not come to visit her at all. What wrong with siblings today?
I can't enjoy my life and it isn't fair.